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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

We're both still married and it's really complicated / stressing me out…

367 replies

nappyrat · 07/07/2015 15:26

I am separated (living apart for some time, but not yet divorced) from my husband and have a DS. I recently met a guy who I really like. He invited me out for a drink, and I was under the impression he was separated, but it became clear during the drink that he wasn't, and I told him that I wasn't interested unless that situation changed.

We kept talking, and went out a few more times, and to be honest, it genuinely seems that he has been waiting for years to separate from his wife. He has now finally done it. Partly I am sure, because he knew we had no future unless he did, but not totally because of this, I think he suddenly saw what life could be by meeting me.

He has 3 children who live with his wife in Los Angeles. He goes back there once a month or so (his job is UK based) to see them for around a week.

This guy has been incredibly honest with me so far, and he has now told his wife he wants to separate. But - and there is a big but here for me - he says he is planning to remain living in the martial home (in a separate, downstairs room, it's a v large house apparently) so that he can maximise his time with his children when he is back visiting them.

So, what is the issue!?!?
He has split up with her, and has no intention of backtracking - I believe this
It is completely understandable that he wants to spend as much time with his kids whilst he is there (and I would think less of a man who didn't want to do this)
But I have a really uncomfortable feeling about this. And I don't know why or how to articulate it or if it is even rational.

I would really appreciate some advice. Pls be kind, I am trying to do the right thing. It's just that the 'right thing' seems extremely complicated. The right thing in my mind is to be completely separated (i.e. moved out) before getting involved, but I can see his argument re. his kids, who he sees little enough of anyway.

OP posts:
viridus · 09/07/2015 22:29

He has said he wanted "headspace", yet he contacts you in a short space of time. He knows all about you, you know very little about him.
He holds all the power.
What these men do is to start draining you of energy, as they manipulate, and the pattern of on and off begins. They attract, and then discard. They check that you don't "tell", on them. They check if you are thinking about them. They find out how much you think of them.
It's a game. You feel confused, even desperate.
It devalues the woman, and you become a plaything.

A loving relationship is not like this is it?

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 22:37

Hi everyone. Thanks for the messages. I’m back at home on my own (been out briefly), and feeling much calmer not having him contact me right now.

Someone asked and yes I am still speaking to RL girlfriends about him. Bizarrely, two of them (including the mutual friend) seem to think I shouldn’t write it off just yet. Which I am finding another head-f*ck to be completely honest, because these are intelligent, professional, capable, clever women, and they basically think that although I should be wary, I should tentatively see if things can work out.

All I can assume is that they just don’t ‘fall’ as quickly (read stupidly) as me and can stay detached for longer than me, and therefore protect themselves better.

The other friend – my best friend – thinks he is a sh*t bag and I should run for the hills.

This is the situation as I see it now:
I feel better that things have not been left on a horrible / angry note
I am now much more relaxed about not hearing from him for a while, and would quite like the space for a few days TBH.
I am clearer than ever before that it would be a bad idea to think of a future with this guy. In fact, no, let me be clearer – I do not want a long term future with this guy, I don’t want the lack of trust, I don’t want the possibility of him treating me like sht and fckign up my life like he did his poor wife.
I like his company v much, I like spending time with him, because the above ‘sh*t bag qualities’ don’t come through when we are together.
Should I consider using him for a great time, refuse to get emotionally involved and move on to the next (much better) guy as soon as?
;)

OP posts:
ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 22:37

That's right..sorry but you are his plaything.
Does that sit comfortably with you?
There are millions of lovely genuine men out there..why waste your time with this silver tongued Lothario.?
He's probably got his pat down to a fine art.
You know he's not for real don't you OP ?

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 22:42

I am open to the possibility I have been fed some lies...it is completely possible, in fact the burden of proof would suggest it is likely. But I just don't think this is the case. He told me some stuff no-one would actively choose to tell someone they were looking at getting into a relationship with. Stuff he's done in his life that he is ashamed of - and bloody well should be ashamed of, don't want to go into details.

Also, as for sayign he's an experienced silver-tongued lathario(sp?), he just isn't. He's had v little 'experience'. And yes, this is based on stuff he has told me, but I believe it is true, my gut tells me it is true. I almost would prefer not to believe it, but I think it is the truth.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 22:50

Should I consider using him for a great time, refuse to get emotionally involved and move on to the next (much better) guy as soon as?

Is that a sick joke ? Hmm

Offred · 09/07/2015 22:51

He told me some stuff no-one would actively choose to tell someone they were looking at getting into a relationship with. Stuff he's done in his life that he is ashamed of - and bloody well should be

All you know is he has told you stuff about himself that isn't great. This can be done to manipulate you into thinking "oh, wow! What an incredibly self aware and honest guy! He must really care about me to make himself so vulnerable" and has the added factor of being a declaration of intentions that when it's gone wrong you'll think or he'll tell you to think "he told me he was a twat right at the start, what a mug"

You would not believe how often this kind of manipulative honesty is deployed by abusive people.

It'd be interesting wouldn't it if the stuff he's told you goes along the lines of; "my wife and I married young and have never really been happy, I know it's awful but I have had a (very) few affairs (honest miss) over the years because I've just been so lonely. I know it's wrong but I was trying to do right by my wife, I was just too weak to do the right thing BUT now I have met you...."

Stitchintime1 · 09/07/2015 22:52

Haven't you dumped him yet?

Sloughcooker · 09/07/2015 22:55

I know you're winking, but...

No. Don't do that. Because you will get emotionally involved, his wife will find out and when she files for divorce with the full weight of everyone's sympathy behind her, you will find yourself at the eye of the storm being blamed for breaking up his family, not him. And then, worst case scenario, you're really stuck with him.

You know it's not a great idea, come on. I'm one of the posters on this thread who've been exactly where you are now, and in my experience, the moment I truly realised what a waste of my energy it had all been was when I met someone who didn't play these stupid games, and was free to love me. Then I felt sick at the time I'd thrown away on a man who'd never deserved it. As lots of PPs have said, cheating men don't all come with twiddling moustaches and silk shirts. Some are otherwise nice, normal blokes. I'm sure this guy is perfectly nice and normal too. But it doesn't matter how nice he is, how much of his soul he's bared to you - the bottom line is that he's married to someone else. Who wouldn't want a sympathetic mistress to drink wine and be adored by? The sad thing is that eventually you'll start believing that only having half, or less, of a man's love and attention is normal. When I met a man who wanted a proper, devoted relationship it was like suddenly having an espresso after unwittingly drinking decaff for years - intoxicating and wonderful, and a little bit sad.

It's interesting that you mention "intelligent, professional, capable, clever women" giving you the response you secretly want - I know plenty of smart girls who've made bafflingly crap decisions about cheating men. FFS I'm one of them! It's maybe because smart girls are good at seeing every snag as another project to be fixed and overcome, girls with self esteem strong enough to believe that if a man says he loves them then of course he'll follow through and leave his wife, etc.

If there really is a future for you, he'd say, Look, I respect you enough not to drag you into my divorce. I'm going to get things moving, and when I'm free to date I'll call you. He wouldn't keep phoning you, in the hope that you'll buckle and maybe meet him for 'one more drink' that will end up in a hotel bedroom. Even if he is a nice guy.

viridus · 09/07/2015 22:56

Op, you contradict yourself, "refuse to get emotionally involved", you are already emotionally involved. You are the fish on the end of the line.
You have to be honest with yourself.
There is the old saying "To thine own self be true".

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 22:59

Thanks slough...a lot of that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 23:01

Viridus - I know this...

OP posts:
Sloughcooker · 09/07/2015 23:03

There is a much, much better man out there for you. At least one. Tens, probably, if not hundreds. And you WILL meet him/them. Throw this one back in, with dignity and grace, and start fishing for something bigger and better.

as a wise man once said, This is not the droid you're looking for.

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 23:04

Droid?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 23:05

when he makes a reappearance, you will be like a rat up a drainpipe

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 23:05

Yes I agree, I can do better.

Meeting them is not that straightforward with DS.

But hey - better to be single than with the wrong guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 23:06

Thanks for that AF, really helpful

OP posts:
ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 23:08

FWIW I'm uneducated and probably " thick" but I'm not daft enough to believe a single line he throws at you.
OP you are incredibly naïve and gullible. Wise up and listen to the advise you have asked for.
This is an open forum..the replies and advise you have received have come from a wide spectrum of people from all walks of life butthe fact is that 100% of us have said that this fella is a player/conman/hustler or whatever.
What is so different about this man that you ask for our validation of the situation?
He want's to have his cake and eat it to.
Please don't romanticise the situation because he's a foreigner.

ChilliAndMint · 09/07/2015 23:09

Upsy, never spell checked my post ah well...

Melonfool · 09/07/2015 23:11

Yeah, the 'telling you stuff' is all a ploy - didn't you see that Friends episode where the guy confessed to Monica that he had erectile dysfunction and couldn't have sex and yet she 'cured' him.....then her friend said 'oh yeah, I dated him, before me he had ED and I cured him....' - obviously that was extreme to make a humourous point, but that is what people do.

And, no, you can't 'refuse' to get emotionally involved. Sadly emotions don't work like that. And you're vulnerable. Leave it alone now.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/07/2015 23:11

You seem to be constantly adjusting your moral stance and drawing new lines in the sand to accommodate this man. Why? Is he really that special? Is he really worth you pissing all over your values and self esteem for?

You seem determined to be with him, one way or another, despite everything. I think I'm out

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 23:12

Chilli - I probably am bring gullible here. I'm not normally, but I think I prob have been here.

Sadly for me, he came into my life at a time when I was a bit lacking in confidence, wanted to feel like I might get another man some day. And he is v much my type - v successful blah blah. (Will hastily add that the shit bag elements are not my type.)

But yeah, I think his life abroad could be my saviour because I don't think id be able to wean myself off if he wasn't bu&&ered off abroad right now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/07/2015 23:16

you won't then ?

cozietoesie · 09/07/2015 23:17

nappy

Disclosing something which is apparently hurtful to you or where you've screwed up badly can be a quick way of establishing emotional intimacy because it can pull out a strong caring and sympathetic response from the recipient of the information.

It usually happens not immediately but on the - say - second or third meeting and is gauged to allow the recipient to 'pull out' the information rather than it being dumped on them - with the result that they can feel incredibly privileged and also (I'm afraid) rather good that they are the 'one' that has had the sensitivity to see that the person concerned has a problem.

This doesn't need to be done consciously but it's effective anyway. There are few stronger emotions than sympathy.

Original poster
nappyrat · 09/07/2015 23:24

Cozie- your description tallies exactly with what happened...

:(

What confuses me so much though is that I genuinely don't think he is doing this / saying this stuff in a concerted attempt to be manipulative etc.

I think he genuinely offloaded in an attempt to be honest and then felt pretty shit when had said out loud stuff he done.

OP posts:
viridus · 09/07/2015 23:32

So now is the time to do put in action practical measures. Block/delete/change your phone number.
No contact really works.
Time to focus on your life now.

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