Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

We were a match made in heaven. Me internalising every problem and him projecting every problem. Except once I figured that it wasn't my fault he had behaved as he had I never engaged in that specific dance in the same way.

I don't know about more littlies. I need to sort myself out and make sure dd gets through the next phase ok.

In the meantime I have all my little rebellions. I have for the first time ever bought some uggs - amazingly super comfy - purely because he hates them. I didn't think it through though - I should have bought dd a bright pink pair instead. Christmas is looming....

Ha ha! He hated something that was really comfortable and warm and substantial that didn't look immediately pretty, you're kidding me!

I had never thought about it that way but yep! Dd is defo getting some!!

I am so very sorry Tom. He is really not worthy of you.

I don't know if it's any consolation to you right now but I do find it helpful in some ways not in lots of others getting that confirmation that my ex really wasn't being honest with me. I think, after an affair, if a marriage is going to be repaired there needs to be total honesty and you have not had that from your husband.

If you find out that they are still not being honest with you, even just keeping things from you, then you know that capability for deception is a major part of them and would have still been a part of them if you had reconciled. So it can help, long term, to know that in all likelihood there would have been further lies in the future so you know the relationship would not have worked. At least it would not have been the type of relationship you would have wanted and deserved.

So any doubts as to whether you made the right decision are not really there. Small consolation I know but sometimes it can easier to know for certain than have a horrible situation drag on indefinitely.

Wishing you all the best.

Thinking of you, Tom - have been away quite a lot and only really caught up with this properly today. I believe you said it was on his return from work on Wednesday that he'd open the divorce papers; I'm really hoping all is okay at your end

Yes thinking of you too Tom, hope you're alright.

So my SHL missed my email instructing her to send the paperwork for a couple of days, and should now have landed yesterday. He has gone away for the weekend so a little surprise will be waiting on his return.

It has meant we have been able to sort contact for dd in a way which works in my favour.

I'm fine, surprisingly. I feel like the last few months have been a practice run, and now I have the support and confidence to go it alone for real.

Iwas - you are so right about the honesty. Its just never ever ever ever going to work now I have seen him for who he is.

Dd and I are going to have a social, girly, cozy weekend. I also have a mountain of paperwork to do in preparation for starting to sort out finances next week. Urgh.

Ah well, never mind - a couple of days counts for nothing against a much better future

Hope you have a wonderful weekend with some real relaxation built in; don't want to be a Jonah, but when he receives the paperwork I've a feeling you're going to need it. Lucky, isn't it, that he'll be dealing with you as you are now, as opposed to how things used to be ...

Watch Strictly behind the paperwork!

Thats tomorrow's task blood! I'm going to put frozen on for dd in the afternoon and hopefully crack through most of the paperwork whilst that is on.

In the meantime dd and I are having play dates and social events galore which is keeping us from getting cross with each other and general spirits up.

Seems the delay worked in your favour in a small way.

There will be lots of things along the way which might not seem good at the time, but actually are better in the long term. You're in control here and that is worth everything in your situation.

Also you have your Frozen-loving DD to keep you moving in the right direction. That's the best gift in the world... apart from having to listen to the soundtrack!

So he received the package on Friday, which was apparently "upsetting". I am not engaging so ranting here instead. "Upsetting" is the very least of what I've been going through over the last few months. I have never been as devastated or low and he has continued to trample on my feelings.

And what did he fucking think I would do? Roll over and take him back? Carry on talking despite me having laid it out clear as day time after time what was and was not acceptable (hint lying and deceiving was not ok and nor was being in touch with her and nor was her being in close proximity on a daily basis)? He knew I was close to serving papers in the summer because I told him. He can be as "upset" as he likes but I won't change my mind.

He either:
Is stupid
Doesn't listen to me
Is stupid AND doesn't listen to me

In the meantime I still have a ton of paperwork to do because looking after dd on my own and getting support from my friends doesn't leave much free time to fill in forms.

Of course. 'Upsetting'. He has to be the victim doesn't he. He is both stupid and doesn't listen to you. That much is clear. Thinking of you, Tom.

Upsetting??????? Wtf....if ever there was an understatement.....did you tell him you found it " upsetting" to discover the Italian job was living over here?

What a complete arsehole

'Upsetting' eh? Welcome to the dollhouse.

Okay, can I stick my head over the parapet and say this - is it really so wrong that he said receiving the papers was upsetting? Because it really could be that the man is upset.

I did say I had found it "upsetting" to be in the position of having to start divorce proceedings.

I am not going to give him the satisfaction of actually seeing me upset though. I did write a lot more to him and then delete it.

San - much as I love you, there is soooooooooo so so so so many things he could have done to avoid this situation. Its sheer pig headed arrogance and stupidity that has got him to where he is.

I know Tom, and my post isn't sitting easy with me. Perhaps I should have said it may be cold comfort but perhaps he is upset to have received the papers, knowing it signals the end of the road all to clearly.

Is that any better?

The poor delicate poppet has been upset since it came out he was a cheating sleaze and Tom didn't do the pick me dance etc.

His poor ego took a large pin in it.

He has lost a dignified and strong partner in life.

You are a great role model for your DD.

Of course he's upset Sansoora!

But it's still all about his feelings.

And actually, he's upset because his plan didn't pan out the way he thought.

He tried to keep both options open by manipulating 2 women over a long period. One of them saw the light and called time. That avenue is now closed and he didn't get to choose it himself. Boohoo.

He tried to keep both options open by manipulating 2 women over a long period. One of them saw the light and called time. That avenue is now closed and he didn't get to choose it himself. Boohoo.

I am aware of the concept.

I just think that this is one of those occasions where no matter what a person said or didn't say it would have caused pain/anger etc etc.

Sometimes there is just no correct thing to say and even if a person said sorry I did what I did, sorry I totally blew it, it would still be wrong.

Even silence would be wrong.

It's just such an underwhelming phrase and it seems to imply that something has been done to him. He could have changed the outcome and it's the hypocrisy of saying he is upset while having the ow working in the same building...it just beggars belief, and once again it is all about him and how he feels

I think you're right - no matter what he did I would have been cross. I'm overwhelmingly angry with him still.

Right I need to stop procrastinating. I hate paperwork. I hate him for making me have to do paperwork.

Yes, I think that's because it's his actions that are defining and central here, and no words can cover them or alter them. Whatever words are limp, cock-covering nonsense.

The best thing he could have said would be, 'I am so so sorry we reached this and I'm so so sorry it's entirely my fault.' But even that would just be confusing. The simplicity is probably good, weak as it is. I have no doubt he's upset. Probably momentarily, because he knows that's how he should feel.