Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

Sure you would have been cross whatever, but he could have said:

'I'm shocked, I'm sorry it's come to this' and just made it less about him.

Ah well. Its just another reason to despise him.

The cat's not in the least bit bothered. There will be no battling over custody for him, thats for sure.

I think your cat has always been a very good judge of character, he had him sussed

I agree. I was going to say he is wise, but he isn't. He's a great dozy lump of a cat who was being poked and prodded by various small people over the weekend.

How are you feeling now that the final step has become real?

I don't know. I don't want to examine my feelings too much because I just know I can't ever take him back.

I have just done my form e and quite frankly the money side is frightening. Its doable but only just.

I feel like I have to put my head into gear because if my emotions get involved I'm going to fall apart.

Tom, for some women the love goes very quickly once they find out whats been going on but others can still have feelings for the person and have to constantly fight with their head that knows 'this is the best thing for me'.

xxx

There's no love anymore. Its actually the thing I struggled with before I found out the latest revelation - that I would have to learn to love him again. Or perhaps I recognised somehow he was only going through the motions with me.

To be honest , I think he checked out some time ago, that's why it was so cruel of him to mess with your head by pretending he was still trying to save the marriage

You are so right. I had to go through all my texts and emails last night to have my calendar of how much contact he has had up to date, and there were texts from him saying how he would do anything to have me back, that his actions would speak louder than words. Its all just words and they mean nothing now but at the time my head was a right old mess.

Looking back I knew I didn't trust him and nothing felt right but I also felt that in time perhaps we could capture what we had. He kept giving me that false hope and thats one of the things I am now so angry about. It was utterly cruel and its why I cannot stand to even be near him. Yuck.

The cruelest hope he gave you was trying for a baby while having an affair and attending counseling to see if he wanted to stay in the marriage

One of the most galling things for a narcissist will be the loss of your good opinion.

You don't love him any more, you don't like him, you don't respect him and you certainly can't trust him. He's become a snivelling little liar and a cheat.

All the time he was stringing you along with false hope - so chuffed to have 2 women who wanted him - that's what lost him your esteem for good.

He's going to have to live with that.

And of course the divorce settlement. Ha.

You're both so right.

He is going to have to live with it. I honestly don't think I could live with myself if I treated someone I once loved and respected the way he has treated me. And also what he has done to dd.

I know I shouldn't but right now I want him to be miserable and angry and unhappy for the rest of his life.

I know I shouldn't but right now I want him to be miserable and angry and unhappy for the rest of his life.

I think there's a very good chance he will be and a lot of it will be tied up with 'having to live with it' the rest of his life. But, and this is the rub, do not expect to ever see any sign of how it would normally present in person because it more than likely won't.

Im speaking from experience here and if I hadn't started hearing odd snippets of 'information' this past couple of months I'd think my husband was living in clover. But he's not, he's actually drinking very heavily to the extent that his 'old guard' from his military days are now talking about him to each other. And I know for a fact he makes more and more visits alone to his childhood home a 5 hour flight from where he now lives, he now goes roughly every 6 weeks and its obvious he needs the time out from what he's created.

Your husband will more than likely also need an escape from himself whatever life he creates next but these men being who they are - I'd put money on him being able to make it look as if he's living the life of riley and thats what you have to be prepared for.

Ive only come across the information I now have by accident but I'd still never wish ill on him - because being him must be awful.

I haven't always felt like this though

Thanks san - its right he will always have to live with himself. He's drinking loads, getting smellier and putting on weight at the moment, not that I have seen him since this last revelation. Not much of a prize eh? In the meantime I'm doing my best to look after myself and surround myself with good and positive people.

SHL and I now have a plan with dad in the know. If he gets silly we have tactics and strategies. I feel a ton better talking to her and having her on my side.

Remember tom, success is the best form of revenge!
Live well! Take care of yourself and your dd. You will be happy!

Stop wasting your time in wishing him unhappiness. Soon enough he won't be your problem any more. Don't kid yourself he eill have a future happiness with the ow, people like him are never happy with what they've got. No matter how good it looks from the outside.
He cheated on you, he'll cheat on her!

I know it won't be a good use of my energy to be bitter about him and what has happened, and I fully intend to build as good a life for dd and I as I can.

Right now though I need to ride this wave of anger and use it productively. It's given me the energy to get me this far.

Anger is good. Anger is healthy. Anger is just in this situation. What he's done deserves anger. Often someone's inability to feel and express anger is what prevents them moving forward. To be stuck in the place of trying to understand someone else's POV before one's own is to be stuck in their POV. In a marriage like this where it seems like his POV was the dominant one, challenging that is hugely hugely important.

In a marriage like this where it seems like his POV was the dominant one, challenging that is hugely hugely important.

Yes, and it's what makes them go on to despise you in the truest sense of the word.

But that is also something to take comfort from because them despising you is a sure sign you're well on your way to a new life and living well.

Well done on making that decision to finally move on once that trust has gone .....

Financially - things work out, thousands of divorced people out there financially worse off but emotionally high.

good luck

Tomato . . .
I'm coming late to this so forgive me if I repeat what others may have said already. I'm appalled that a husband could treat a wife so badly over such a long period. I don't mean the infidelity, though that is bad enough, but just playing with you and your heart. But, what goes round comes round so there may yet be the grim joy of watching him fall apart.
There was something that did disturb me and that was your belief that you could never love/trust again and that meant your dreams of a large and loving family and home had vanished ang with siblings for DD. Don't sell yourself so short. You're clearly a resilient girl who knows her own mind - there's a thousand guys out there searching for a girl like you to love and hold dear. You need time to recover from the emotional beating and abuse your "DH" has heaped on you, but recover you will. And then who can tell what the future holds for you and DD. You might even win the lottery! Hint - buy a ticket! Meanwhile, here's a bunch of from a stranger - not the sort your Mum warned you about. Christmas 2016 - yes, 2016 is just around the corner. You'll be surprised how quickly it'll come around and how great you'll feel.

PS - I don't do political correctness, so please don't offence at my idiosycratic phraseology!

ang = along

Thank you so much everyone.

ThisOldFool - thats really kind of you ti say that. I'm just not interested right now in anyone else. Maybe in a bit, I don't know. I just want to sort myself out.

I've been in a bit of a slump again after the highs and lows of getting through the solicitor. I've got my cousin round shortly with a pot in the oven, and a bottle of wine in the fridge. She knows but I only told her the other week because I knew bombs would go off at home once the wider family knew (which they have).

I've got a drinks thing with my wider friends on saturday, so by the end of the weekend everyone who needs to know will pretty much know.

Hopefully then I won't need to rehash events too much.

I have definitely changed my attitude towards him. It was really obvious to the solicitor I think - before she was saying how even if I file its not always the end, and there was no talk of reconciliation now. Just how to best protect me and dd.

Xx

Tom, You're doing fine, just be kind to yourself and give yourself time. There's plenty here to give good advice - Blood and San among others - but there's also the hand-holders and they're where you can draw strength when you need to. They're just quietly rooting for you, some have trodden the same path you're treading now, so take courage, take a good look at yourself in the bathroom mirror each morning and just realise 'My God, I'm lovely and I'm loved'. Now, where's that glass?

I've come for a rant. I've been really struggling the last few days - back at that teary, exhausted stage and just counting down until we head to my folks for christmas.

And then he sends me a list of things which he wants from the house to make his flat a bit nicer, some was his from before we met, and some we bought together. To be honest most of it I don't particularly want - its either not to my taste or has too many memories attached.

Except for the chairs. He wants to take 4 out of 8 chairs and I have said no, you can have everything on the list except only 2 chairs.

I now know exactly how he is trying to press my buttons. "We don't need to fall out over a couple of chairs" and "come on, be reasonable here".

Just for the record I don't give a shit about falling out with him, otherwise I would have done things like warn him the divorce papers were on the way. I also have been more than reasonable about all sorts of things, such as agreeing access for dd and not ripping apart his stuff. I'm not actually in the mood to just roll over and give in to his demands over everything and if that makes me unreasonable then I don't care.

The chairs stay. I like them.

My problem now is that I'm really angry again. Grrr.