Husband's affair - Tom is moving on

[tomatoplantproject]

I took a break from mumsnet for a little while. It has been an eventful little while. Mumsnet keeps breaking and I'm sorry but I can't link my previous threads.

My husband had an affair with an Italian, I found out over 2 months ago. I kicked him out and since then have been trying to rebuild my life whilst keeping things stable for my little girl. I have an amazing family and friends who have been looking out for me.

We have had various discussions since I found out and have been seeing a Relate counsellor. Various posters have been warning me to be wary given how he has been behaving.

He was due to go to Spain last week on his own for a holiday - he cancelled at the very last minute after I asked him not to go and has been spending time with dd and I. Things were starting to thaw between us and we were building at least a friendship.

I had a job interview this evening and he did dd's bedtime routine for me. When I came home he sat me down and told me he was going to be honest with me. He has been in touch with the Italian Job since I found out, and they were due to go to Spain to see if they had a long term future. He pulled out on the Sunday after I asked him not to go.

I won't ever trust him ever again, and he hasn't put me first or respected my wishes that he is not in touch with her. So I am done. Once and for all. I can now move on.

You were all right. I just wasn't ready to believe you.

I never thought if it being the same skillset blood.

Sinking to a new low of moving her to London has actually helped with the 'story'. He has kept her and their relationship secret from everyone else, and so I hope others can now start to see him for what he is.

Yes, absolutely, it's right there in front of them. He'll have some bullshit about it being a coincedence and how they then got together. It'll be nonsense.

Yes, the thing is, making a good impression on someone when you meet them briefly is a lot about being able to compartmentalise the moment and have strong 'theory of mind' (be able to predict how someone will react and how you can best fool them, quickly.) Both these traits make people excellent liars and cheaters too. They care a lot about what other people think of them and take pleasure in controlling it. Actually, someone with a strong moral centre who is naturally honest and kind may initially make a very bad impression since they might be in a terrible mood and just unable to hide it in a particular social setting. But they are just being honest to their experience of that moment and not trying to manipulate others and be liked.

I'm not saying this is always true. Of course there are many people pleasers who are the opposite of entitled or duplicitous. It's a combination of factors.

I think he was hoping he would get away with being able to introduce her in due course.

How on earth do you know all of this? It makes utter sense. Xx

Also, and I don't know if this is helpful. But it is highly likely his desperate pleading to you a few months ago was tied to this move before it was tied to his commitment to the marriage. He will likely have been having to 'sign off' on their plan to be together properly, and, knowing you would discover her relocation, wanted to give you 'one last chance' before that inevitable clusterfuck swung into action. Again, behaving as if he were the prize that you could fight for at that point, or else. There would never have been any 'over' with the OW, just a point whereby she would have got fed up with his coming back to you or not. He would never have the strength to choose and lose. Since she was prepared to move country, she 'won' and yet he still hid it and wanted to keep you on the side as a possibility too. He wants this to be the case for as long as possible, hopefully forever.

Just a lot of life, a lot of shit. xx

I cant write like blood but she is saying what Im trying to when I write of my own experiences - its easier for me to do it that way.

Me and my lot kept quiet for a long time but that all changed when my husband rode into town a few months ago and did what he did. So recently I picked 4 people from my life here, people I consider to be brothers, and I went and told them what was going on. I felt I had to because I knew my husband is considered to be the best thing since sliced bread by many, he could charm the birds off the trees. He's a local hero. You name it. He's it. Anyway I went to see a few people who had been important in my life and told them of the goings on and I did it so that the next time my husband is in town and he's talking about how life has worked out for him, and yes we are separated, and how its all hunky dory - that someone can stand there and not say a thing, but just know in their mind that he may think he's fooling everyone all of the time but he's not!

People were shocked, these were all people who'd served with my husband, but one of them did say to me ah I did wonder about his wonderful life and if its so wonderful why does he start drinking at 12 on the days he's here before staggering back to his room at 8 in the evening.

Its enough for me because the reality is you can never 'out' these people completely. They are just to good at what they do. So all you can really hope for is that some of those around you eventually get it.

Hells bells you must have gone through something bad to be this wise xx

So, so, so... He was playing happy families unwittingly trying to get me to do the pick me dance. I never did, and I laid it on the line and told him if he wanted it to work he had to commit 100% because I was ambivalent at best. That was the last conversation we had about the relationship before I found out. It was in response to feeling him pull away again.

She can have him. As san once said, he's the booby prize. Yuck.

trying to get me to do the pick me dance.

Wait until he tries to get you to be the OW.

I kid you not!

He really is a very damaged individual and I can't help but breath a sigh of relief that you are out of it. In one of your first posts you talked about how you now felt able to come into the light, I always thought that said a lot about the relationship

Even is we disregard the numerous despicable actions, the very small and subtle behaviours were worrying and I think deep down you always knew that

It's been the thought of losing your dreams that has upset you, I'm not sure you have the same level of grief for him

Exactly. If you had done the pick me dance he probably would have come back. And probably kept up contact with OW on the side. And not have changed anything about himself or done the hard work, but expected you to keep dancing. Then that would have had its own consequences in a few years. Your feet would get tired and his itchy. We see that return here ALL THE TIME. Many many threads of desperate women secretly checking emails late at night as men who are strangers to consequence sleep soundly.

As it is, OW will go through the same thing when he does the same to her. And he will. Not because I don't believe people can't change, but because every single one of his actions have shown that he hasn't and he doesn't see the need to. His choice is to be where his reflection is best, and move on when it becomes ugly. Rather than alter the ugliness about himself.

San, you need to write a book, it sounds as if he needs a good skelp in the erse

Christina, its a good joab meh mithers no here tae see this. It would be mair thin he's erse that got belted.

Re the book - people would think I was making it up and say this is a novel, its on the wrong shelf.

It's a good job you can laugh mrs

I couldn't laugh for a very long time and was at one stage 'no affy weel' but Im great now though it still does hurt at times. Like today for instance. Its National Day where I am and I had a wee greet this morning because never in a million years did I think this is how things would have panned out for me. Well I tell a lie, Ive cried most of the day, cried at my grandchildren's assembly because I was happy and it was so lovely, cried because of the Army parachute team and a formation they did, cried when I got a ticket for a traffic offence, cried because Jonah Lomu died, cried when I knew my husband was in town and its National Day and who knew all those years ago we would have ended up like this - we've been together almost as long as when the country was re-born. Cried because I think I live in the most wonderful of countries with the most wonderful of people, and cried again because its a good job I love it here or I'd be up queer street. I do like a good laugh.

Sometimes it's the overwhelming sadness, all the dreams, all the plans.. Gone. Sometimes I think we also grieve for ourselves, you can never be the same person again as you were the day before discovery.

Im sorry if thats hijacking a thread. I was just having a bit of a natter.

Don't be daft ya eejit

I'm sure tom won't mind

Letting go of my dreams is far harder than letting go of him. I have far less to do around the house and can focus on dd far more without his presence. I never realised until he was gone how much time and energy I spent trying to make him happy. It became far worse when he was having the affair but I think it went way back and I just didn't clock it. I think it was all very subtle which is why I didn't notice it.

I feel like my old self again.

I really do have to let go now of another child. My friend I saw today is an ebay queen and is going to show me how to sell most of dd's outgrown clothes and toys which I think will be a January project. Maybe we could go on a little adventure with the money. I feel like I need to face it sooner rather than later so I can start building some new dreams.

San, you really should write a book!

I love a bit of a natter. I can't keep up cos of dd. will be back when she's snoring in half an hour

Let it go time!

Let it go time!

Don't you mean God give me strength time?

It puts a whole new meaning on bedtime prayers.

I took Ds to see that movie before I knew what it was about... He was not best pleased!

I bet he wasn't

Jeez louise I've just got that bleddy song out of my head. Its been a proper ear worm for days now... Dd and I have a whole weekend together so are going to have a cinema afternoon at home and watch it together for the first time.

San - have you got shares in kleenex my lovely one?!

Its such a relief not having to struggle with all of this toing and froing any longer. I was despairing why he wasn't engaging more with the introspection he needed to do. It was pissing me off hence me telling him he had to properly commit. I was throwing my hands up in despair and starting to feel trapped and uneasy - perhaps thats why I subconsciously felt the need to google her.

I popped in to see the estate agent earlier (who is a wise old owl - who'd have thunk it but he's not a typical estate agent) and he told me he sees it happen all the time. He says he has seen many times over where the man has moved on to the other woman and he said they were never happy, and the grass was never greener.

Glad it's a relief, Tom. And happy National Day Sansoora! Yes, likely the reason he was never prepared to question himself is because he was waiting for you to fight tooth and claw and offer him a life of endless sandwich and blowjobs so you could make it worth his while telling OW that he was having another go with you. Likely even then he would have said it was 'to see how it goes'. It would never have occurred to him he was the problem, or to look inwards. Only to maybe talk as if he would consider it down the line.

Also, and this is a massive massive question that it's way too early to think about. But.... are you absolutely sure you wouldn't consider having another child on your own? I think it's way too much to think about right now, but you know, babies don't just come from men being around(!) I know there is financial stuff and fertility issues, but there are adoption options. You see in a way you've told us over and over what you want, and never once has it been him. I mean, if you have a large supportive network there's no reason down the line why you couldn't consider it. Anyway, for right now, let it go. But what you want in your life is wholly separate from him. That's worth remembering.