confused over work

[FishingRod]

Hi, Im getting really confused feelings about a woman at work and do not know what to do. I am a married man, with children, I do not see much of my wife due to work commitments and her working shifts. Lately a new woman joined our company and I have taken a real liking to her, she is pretty, we connect so easy, she makes me laugh and is completely on my level, her sense of humour, her personality, I just find her so easy to get on with and have never come across a woman like this ever. Sometimes we can chat in the office for ages and we can get really really close when we are looking at something say on her screen, she flirts alot and i flirt back and can talk sometimes flirting dropping sexual references. I just feel so much chemistry, like I have never felt before. and I believe she does too. Sometimes we touch accidentally and that electric feeling runs through me, and i believe she feels it. But she mentions her boyfriend quite regularly which I just ignore, but that really confuses me because of the relationship we seem to have developed. I also think if anything did happen she would blame me because of the frequency she mentions her boyfriend. I think she knows she cannot cross the line and she knows I am married and that makes it difficult for me because I dont want to rock the relationship with my wife, so I have to resist crossing the line. Maybe she mentions her boyfriend because she knows I like her. I would love to tell the woman at work how i feel, but would that ruin the working relationship, we have to work close together? we do have deep conversations and sometimes I get really sexual thoughts towards her. I would love to find out what she thinks without asking her, so we can be open more if she feels the same. One of my friends said i will have a fling and then i will know where my feelings are but that is high risk. So confused as i feel i pay so much more attention to the woman at work. Should I offer to take her out for a drink and see how we feel? so its outside of work.
Regards and please reply with thoughts.
C1

Ok, so go ahead & ruin your life then, hurt the people you love & make a fool of yourself. Join the happy 46%.

That woman does not want to sleep with you by the way. I've been a young woman & you haven't. Mentioning a boyfriend is a clear signal.

'But mum, everyone else is doing it, too!'

Spot the logical fallacy: argumentum ad populum or argument from popularity.

I give up, OP, you're clearly either a winder-upper or a complete arsewipe!

Good luck with your divorce proceedings and employment tribunal! No, wait! Actually I'll save the good wishes for someone more deserving!

FishingRod

You are indeed not as bad as she is,

YOUR WORSE!! you are married, you have children!! children who lives may be completely upturned and whose mother's heart may be shattered into a million pieces because you couldn't control yourself enough to continue to keep it in your pants!!!

I am starting to wonder if your some kind of narcissist, because your so infatuated with this other woman....and with yourself from the sounds of it...that I sense zero emotion for any possible impact all of this may have on your wife and children!! In fact rather than feeling those emotions you seem to be giving yourself a pat on the back for doing your wife the proud honour of resisting. Though the way your posts have read, I doubt its out of any respect for your wife and more to do with keeping this poor girl hanging on a thread!! I think in your head you have the idea that if you keep her hanging on that she will get so desperate for it that she will come on to you! Then that way you think it will totally justifiably and somehow not be your fault because she seduced you, she came on to you, she started it!!! Like a 2 year old being left unattended with an open box of candy....how can you resist....after all your only a man!!! Well just like a 2 year old that gets found with the empty box and chocolate all round its mouth, your probably going to get found with trousers round your ankles as reading your posts I don't think you have the capacity it would take to keep an affair secret from your wife!

I have read other threads and posts with this similar theme of getting to close to someone at work, and all of those posters were absolutely distraught at the thought their wives/husbands might be hurt. Most of these posts are about thoughts, feelings....nothing physical has even happened and yet the posters are torn up with guilt from thoughts alone! I don't see any guilt from you at all!!

I don't think that any of us on here who have posted responses seem to able to get through to you how serious this is!!! An attraction to another person when you are married with children is not like an itch....you don't just scratch it because you feel like it!!!

Yeah go on, do it. All the big boys are. It will be all right, honest. Just go and put your fishing rod in her ice hole.

This is the funniest thread I have read in a long time. Look, Fishing, in all seriousness, you can't possibly think you would ever get away with letting something happen with this woman? You're a married man and you have kids. She might like you,she may not. Office crushes are normal, but they are never to be acted on. I would use this experience as a warning that your marriage needs some serious work

Wow. It's not every day you see someone with absolutely no sense of how selfish/idiotic he's being.

Your wife deserves better. And I'm not 'bullying' you, I'm just telling the truth.

No guilt or remorse at all for how you're feeling or acting - 'it's not your fault' - ha! All these beautiful women MAKING you want to cheat on your wife. How dare they!

Just wow.

she is not the type to sleep around, she is not that type of gir - she would just make a special exception for you??

maybe sometimes im as bad, but i cant help that - really. And when this thing plays out will it also not be your fault the your tongue found itsway into your mouth, or that you tripped and your dick accidentally fell into her? Get real! Take responsibility for your actions. You are, after all, a grown up (apparently).

As for your 46.1% stat - doesn't make it right you know. Just would mean that you are one of a huge number of sleazy bastards out there cheating on their wife.

I once got caught staring at my boss's bulge in a meeting, except I wasn't actually staring at his bulge, I was wondeting if I jumped out the first floor window to escape the boredom, how many bones would I break?

Maybe this is what she is thinking when she is talking to you?

Also... That statistic is a poll of people who have accounts on AshleyMadison.com - a dating site for married people looking to cheat.

So basically it's like polling people on a porn site and asking if they watch porn.

A useless statistic.

People seem to be jumping to conclusions, here is the fact:

I do not feel guilt because i have not committed anything whatsoever, the worst thing I have done is this, "Flirt" of which i would say 90% is initiated by my female colleague.
I am only seeking advice because of this, I thought this site would give advice. Fact i have been happily married for 8 years and have NEVER cheated on my wife. But and here is the big but, I connect with my colleague in such away, the chemistry is unreal and is so so tempting sometimes, she is a real sexy girl, I know we both feel the same way, does that make me a bad person, no. If i can find one persons advice and look back on it and say they were right, i would be glad. At this moment in time i do not know what will happen and If lust does take over and it happens and i do come on here, fire all you want at me, but at this moment in time i am a faithful man, so deserve respect.

So in a poll of users of a site specifically set up for married persons to cheat with other married persons, they still reckon less than half of them actually do it? Not really the majority then is it?

And btw who do you think they have the office affairs with? Nice young juniors who have never done this kind of thing before, honest gov.

Do you know why people are mocking you on here? Because what you are saying is eminently mockable. You're like an alcoholic trying to make excuses to grab a shandy, thinking it doesn't count if nobody who knows you sees you drink it. You already realise your colleagues are not blind or deaf and they certainly aren't dumb. Mumsnet is just a tiny taste of how much you will be mocked in your workplace. Presumably shagging someone you're supposed to be managing is also a disciplinary offence? Try explaining that one at home.

This site did give advice. Advice was, don't go there. But here you are talking about it as though saying no to temptation only happens to other people. That's not the sort of attitude I, for one, can respect one iota. You don't get respect for not having shagged her yet because the opportunity hasn't arisen

I gave you the best advise I could give already, OP. But here's a summary one more time:

Office crushed are normal - hell, I must be on my tenth at least!

The way you deal with them is by acknowledging they exist, accepting that for a variety of reasons they must not be acted on and then behaving like the husband and professional your supposed to be!

It's not really more complex than that!

One thing does make me wonder having heard a few comments on here:
If i was not her Manager, would she still be coming on to me?

I am not sure she is coming onto you at all, Manager or not tbh

You don't deserve any respect, because you are giving all your headspace, heartspace and dickspace to someone who is not your wife. It does not matter that at this point you haven't put your tiddly in her wink. You are having - as I said about a year ago, it feels - an emotional affair. All your energy, good and bad, is being channelled into this situation and what might happen and how you can't help it and she's so sexy and you've never felt anything like it (oh please).

Have some respect for your wife, and your marriage vows. Your poor wife. Your poor, poor wife. And I don't give a fuck about chemistry.

Recently I had chemistry with someone who is unavailable. It got as far as some very drunken snogging and immediate plans to do more. Then we both realised it was utterly, completely wrong, and stopped it. Dead. Because that's what grown ups do - they take responsibility for their actions. There's your advice.

So you don't feel guilty for feeling this way (and not trying to change that) about another woman? Or thinking about cheating? You don't think that's "doing anything wrong"?

Maybe I'm just being ridiculous but I think an emotional affair is nearly as bad as a physical one. I would be devastated if my husband was thinking about cheating every day. It would pretty much be worth ending the relationship for, I'd say.

Does it fucking matter. If you were really happy in your marriage, this wouldn't be an issue in the slightest. Let your wife go. Have RESPECT for her.

FishingRod do tell, how would you feel if your DW was flirting with another person when she was on nights and even admiring their bulge?

Oh gawd.....here I go again!

She might be coming on to you because your her manager, she might be coming on to you because your married, she might be coming on to you because your an older man....there could be a myriad of reasons for why she might be doing it! As I said in an earlier post, you say she is an attractive sexy girl, 10 years your junior.....what does she want with a married man with a wife and children!!! God only knows as it beats the crap out of me!! However you don't seem to really believe that she could genuinely be into you either!

The thing is she might not really be coming on to you at all....some people are just a bit brazen in how they behave, some people like to toy with others, some people are attention whores....and it sounds like your giving her plenty of attention.

Here is some advice for you (though I doubt you will take it) freeze her out for a while. Don't stop speaking to her all together, be cool and start treating her in a professional manner, a manner befitting of a manager. See how she reacts, see if she just acts completely normal in return (minus the flirting of course and this reaction means she is not really into you like you thought) or perhaps she will shift her attentions elsewhere...one would hope to a singe man in the office (this reaction is that of an attention whore), or maybe she is all hurt and makes a big deal of it and is hurt and upset that you are treating her differently than before (this reaction in you fatal attraction bunny boiler alert). As you can see none of these reactions are good for you, but no reaction is going to be good because what you are contemplating or fantasising about is not good either. Either way if you do this you will at least have some answers and have some idea of what you may be getting yourself into.

But she is soooo sexxxxyyyyy...walks awkwardly, weighed down with super-bulge.

Plus I suspect your friend is encouraging you to get stuck in so he's got at least one more person to point to and say "there you see, everyone's doing it" in order to excuse his own straying. Which makes him not a very good friend.

Powems Wot I Av Writ

I am a man,
I am wot I am.
I like burgers,
Sausage and ham.

My dinners, of course,
Are cooked by my wife.
Married to me,
An honour in life.

Whilst all day, when I diligently travail,
With my Rod, I'd readily you impale.
An innocent junior employee,
I flirt and impress, masterfully.

My wife, of course,
Despite my male right,
Slaves for me,
Drudges, all through the night.

Oh how I'd love so much to divulge,
The secrets of my ersatz bulge.
I am the man, manager, main mogul,
You in your low-cut top I ogle.

Oh wife, of course,
You augment our assets.
But I'll sordidly cheat you,
Yet demand your respects.

Your breasts like fragrant oranges bloom,
You let me speed-grope in the printing room.
My mid-aged manliness in a whirl,
Not using me; not that type of a girl.

Wife absent, of course,
At work again.
Loyal love and trust,
I treat with disdain.

My mates have affairs, they give it a go,
Real blokes - they screw, but wives don't know.
You tantilise, titilate, I go all slobbery,
You say, "You almost made me feel horny."

Wife absent, again,
Working through the night.
You're giving me, "signals,"
I think I just might.

Office junior, oh how you flirt,
Oh my lurve bulge, how I would squirt.
Science and chemistry, all will unfurl.
Corrr, darlin' you're one sexy girl.

You mention your boyfriend,
I view him with rancour.
Could it be, I'm just a sad, stereotypical,
Male, middle-aged, manly man who doesn't listen to the good advice from the ladies and chaps on Mumsnet.

Tosser

OP came back? Very surprised.

OP I have a question for you. Why on earth would you come to a site like Mumsnet to discuss this? I CBA reading the thread again but I'm sure you said something about wanting opinions from like minded people. You really think MN is full of cheating bastard married older managers who are going to flag wave for you?