Friend did something weird and I can't get over it

[ResentfulAndSad]

I have name changed as this is so personal and outing.

I've had a friend for around two years. We began as colleagues (she was senior to me), but stayed friends when I moved on. She's about fifteen years older than me, but it never had an effect on our friendship (not sure if it's even relevant). She has a young daughter who I get on well with.

When I was pregnant she was one of the first people I told and she was a great help to us, sourcing very cheap or sometimes free baby equipment, and I also really appreciated her experiences as a mother as I don't have any other friends who are parents.

On the day I went into labour we were due to meet up, so when I was in hospital I sent her a text to cancel our plans. After that I was too busy having a baby to check my phone, and DH was the same. Neither of us told her which hospital I was at, or which ward etc.

As soon as DC was born, he was taken away to be resuscitated, the reasons for which I still don't quite understand. I was shaking with adrenaline and very confused about where my baby was and whether he was alright. I was also haemorrhaging. A midwife came into the room and said, "your birth partner is here, may she come in?". When I was pregnant I had vaguely discussed with my sister the possibility of her being at the birth to support DH and to advocate for me, but in the end it was too much of a rush for her to be there (she lives a couple of hours drive away). So I assumed they meant my sister was here, which made little sense as she'd have been at work, but I thought perhaps she'd left early due to the Christmas holidays. I think I said something like, "is it [sister's name]?" but don't remember what the reply was. I said yes, let her in, I really want to see my sister. But my friend walked through the door. Bear in mind that I've got my legs apart, there is blood literally gushing out all over the place, I'm shaking and crying, wondering whether my baby is alive or dead - the last person I want in the room is her. But she just stood there in the middle of the room in absolute silence. I'm quite an apologetic, doormat type of person by nature, and I found myself apologising to this woman that I couldn't really chat right now because I'd just given birth and I didn't know whether my baby was okay or not. I'm appalled at myself for that now, and wish I'd stood up for myself and told her to fuck off, and I'm cross at DH and the midwives for not recognising how inappropriate the situation was. It took a long time for her to eventually be led outside to wait.

When I was being stitched up later on, I was still worrying that she was waiting outside for me and I felt bad that I didn't want to see her despite her coming to the hospital (my mental health is fucked, forgive me), and therefore this is my overriding memory of my son's birth. A midwife had to say to me, "it's okay if you don't want her here" before I felt comfortable asking them to get her to leave. I think DH went out and told her to go.

I really resent her for tainting my experience, and I feel that she is the reason I have such black holes in my memory of the rest of the birth.

In the six months since DS was born we've met up a couple of times but I feel very much that there is an elephant in the room between us. She's never mentioned the incident, except to say, "I'm glad I could be there for you" in a text the next day. I've started ignoring her text messages because I can't bear to see her or think about her. I'm so cross that she invaded such a private and personal time for us.
What do I do? Have it out with her? Just keep ignoring her until she gets the message? Get over it and pretend it never happened? I don't know how to proceed. We did have a good friendship before this, so I don't know if I'm being too hasty in writing her off - but I feel physically sick when she texts me.

I'll be away from MN for a while but will catch up later. Thanks so much for responding everyone.

If she has helped you with things, and you have been a bit vulnerable (remembering the 'doormat' and MH comments that you have made) she might have felt very important to you and thought you needed her, like other posters have said. It doesn't mean she meant badly (sounds like she was shocked when she came in), but i think if she doesn't get the boundaries and doesn't seem to be able to make you feel better about it afterwards, I would definitely keep my distance with her in the future. And if/when at any point you are ready for contact with her, make it very clear to her that this went too far, but expect her also not to get it. Some people mistake vulnerability for helplessness and 'jump in', forgetting to respect you as a person, but you need friends that support you when it gets tough (birth, baby), not ones that make you feel worse.

The standing like a lemon in the middle of the room gets me. Two more realistic reactions would have been [a] back out quickly, mumbling profuse apologies, or [b] rush over sympathetically, hold hand, offer help. Clearly she was utterly shocked, meaning she didn't find what she'd imagined and couldn't adjust.

Then the text: "I'm glad I could be there for you." What the hell? She wasn't! This really makes me think she had still failed to adjust to reality - it's the message she should have sent after the less traumatic labour she imagined, during which she mopped your face and counted pushes with you.

I'm extremely wary of people with very rigid thought patterns, who reframe facts to fit their imagined world view. There's nothing wrong with writing to her, imo, particularly as there are a few emotional loose ends you need to finish off regarding the birth. Depending on her responses - not just her reply if any, but also what she does afterwards - you might feel okay about resuming your friendship, but I would incorporate this inflexible aspect of her character into my future dealings with her.

It's great news that you have a therapist, and also that you're getting ready to request a hospital debrief Congratulations on your gorgeous baby!

It's quite possible that your friend was shocked at being let in in such circumstances- but just supposing she had your best interests when she came I would think hard before throwing her friendship away. As far as she is concerned you were asked if she should come in and you have said yes . She doesn't know there is a communication breakdown and you think she's your sister.she seems to have been a good friend before this traumatic event and there's no evidence she wasn't just trying to help. some people may have been grateful for a friend in a crisis. she couldn't know what she would find or how you would feel.

Feel for you OP, sounds like an awful experience. I think your friend was completely stupid and out of order. But I also think your feelings about it are probably a combination of justifiable anger and the channelling of other emotions related to your birth trauma.

There seem to be lots of people who, while otherwise reasonable, seem to be completely unable to stay away from labouring women. I worried about this throughout my first pregnancy. DH and I agreed noone would know I was in labour until the baby was actually born, and no birth announcements to anyone until we were actually ready to accept any visitors. With my first, we had a peaceful 24 hours after a traumatic forceps delivery before any announcement, with my second we only waited a few hours as it was so straightforward. There were a few miffed messages "already, we didn't even know you were in labour!" etc but all forgotten quickly with first photos, visits and cuddles with the baby.

I think you should ask her what happened.

You were supposed to meet her that day. You couldn't at short notice maybe she thought to drop into the hospital and check you were ok or if you needed anything? She might have thought you were in early stages of labour.

Or the nurse made a mistake and thought you had already had the baby and were ready for visitors.

If she has not violated boundaries before, I'd at least afford her the chance to explain how she ended up in that room. She might be feeling just as awkward about it as you are.

Understandable if you no longer want to be friends, and you don't owe her an explanation.

"I really resent her for tainting my experience, and I feel that she is the reason I have such black holes in my memory of the rest of the birth". It sounds like what happened immediately after the birth was very hard, in addition to what happened with her, and you also mention that you still don't understand what happened with your DS. Counselling about the whole experience and perhaps also a "debrief" with a midwife if that's offered in your area might be useful.

My only concern about asking the friend for an explanation, is that she may well try to twist events to minimise her lack of boundaries / possible lying.

It may then be harder for the OP to make a decision to back away from the friendship. If you want to end the friendship, that is your right, whether or not you decide to ask for an explanation.

OP I had a traumatic first birth - blood spraying everywhere, emergency manual extraction of the placenta as the placental artery ruptured. I can't even imagine the anger and invasion I would feel if someone had blagged their way in to that scene.

I suspect it might be better to have the birth debrief before talking to the friend. It might aid clarity with what your friend did, eg, did she outright lie to say she was the birth partner, or did the midwife make assumptions?

First thing on Monday I will phone up for the debrief appointment. I know now that this is absolutely necessary to my moving forward in all aspects of this situation.

Momagain1, actually, some people do not have close relationships with parents, siblings etc and their support network is actually made up of friends. It would be far more likely in my own circle that a friend would turn up than a family member. Sometimes people get it wrong. It doesn't make them bad, uncaring people.

Resentful - you said earlier that you got the impression she wanted to be there at the birth. After your debrief, think about why you think that. It sounds like your friend isn't someone who is genuinely socially challenged and messed up by mistake. It sounds like, yes, she did do something seriously weird. In that case, you owe her nothing. Feel free just to move on as you find best.

I hope that you get some support for getting over this. I found MN really helped me, as in RL people don't tend to listen much if you found birth traumatic, and just say get over it, or that most women go through it. The truth is that it really is a very big and scary ordeal for many women, and more needs to be done to be honest about this, and give women the support they need.

Even if she did have good intentions and there was some kind of mix up (although it seems unlikely) you can still end the friendship if you want to. For example if you think she will always remind you of a traumatic time, then that's reason enough not to see her. You don't need to justify it. Friendships end all the time for all sorts of reasons.

Very important point, Hobbes - nobody owes any adult a relationship. Some are fleeting.

I agree with prepperpig, why can you not see the positive to this, this woman heard her friend was in hospital giving birth, so dropped everything to come and support you, the up Proffessional hospital people did not manage appropriate access bearing in mind the situation.

Now you blame her?genuine friends who see you through thick and thin are hard to find. Talk about it offer a coffee. Please speak to your GP about your feelings.

Another thing, what does your husband remember?

Does he remember what the nurse said when she came in and asked if friend could come in? Did she say friend by name or "birth partner"?

DH doesn't remember. He has a bad memory at the best of times. We discussed it at the time and he agreed it was fucking weird.

It was fucking weird. A really good friend knows when to give you space as much as when to rescue you. Especially as your partner was there already.

Resentful I had a debrief about a year after my first (and because I was having my second) and I found it very helpful. They didn't tell me anything I didn't know, but I just found having a midwife (in my case the head of midwifery) listen and just be sympathetic while I cried about my first birth very helpful indeed and did allow me to move on. I would strongly encourage you to go if you can, also take DH along as it does stir up emotions but for me it was in a good way which allowed me to look back at something I was avoiding thinking about, in a controlled way rather than just hiding it and feeling sick and odd when I thought about it.

As to the friend, there is no excuse in the world for her behaviour. I can't believe anyone is trying to tell you about misunderstandings etc. They only occurred as she turned up univited to your labour when you hadn't told her which hospital you were at- presumably deliberately as you didn't want to invite her or have here there! I have many good friends, but even my best friend I didn't see til 2 weeks after her birth when I was explicitly invited to go. I'm sorry, labour isn't a party, friends don't just turn up! It's inexplicable she should think that appropriate, none of my friends just rocked up at the hospital when I was giving birth because most people understand that it is all about the husband, possibly mother and just don't come.

I don't even think many people have friends visit at the hospital these days unless they are in for a few days. Most go home, and then consider if and when to invite people.

She shouldn't have been there, she wasn't invited and she didn't check with anyone it was ok to have invited herself along (e.g. with DH asking if it was ok to see you). She may have seen Friends (!) but so what?

If you want to save the friendship, then you could talk to her about it, but I wouldn't personally, because you don't have an honest basis to be friends.

As for giving you things, passing on old stuff, being a nice friend, this is fairly typical colleague behaviour, I had older female colleagues give me advice and old things from their kids- but it is inconceivable any would then take this as a green light to come- and your text was clear, I'm in labour so am busy, won't be meeting up. She ignored that and that's deeply inappropriate behaviour, I would avoid her and leave it.

Can you find out where someone's location is,via text message, if you have GPS, or whatever it's called, on?

I know that it's a long shot, op, but p'haps she could have found you that way.

Oabiti, she's not tech-savvy enough for that.
I could have gone to three hospitals, but the one I chose was the closest to her (I'm just about in the middle of all three) so makes sense that she would try that one first.
I'm pretty much decided that she did something weird and pissed all over my boundaries, but that I need to find a way to get over it myself. I will write her a letter but I might not send it. Perhaps it will be cathartic enough to write down what I want to say to her about what happened. Tomorrow morning I will steel myself and I will phone the birth debrief people and make an appointment. Part of my anxiety over making the appointment is not having anyone handy to look after the baby, but he'll just have to come with us if all else fails because I see now how important the appointment will be for me to move past whatever happened - especially if I ever want to have a second child (SO many explicit privacy points going in my birth plan next time ).

So thank you very much for contributing your points of view (whether you think she's a weirdo or think there were crossed wires) and for helping me understand what went on. I am glad I bit the bullet and posted about it.

Perhaps I'll come back and update after I've had the debrief and discussed the security breach with the hospital.

I think if you bring this up in your debrief they will probably be shocked and suggest what you should do next anyway e.g. whether any protocols were breached. It is worth asking as well as a debrief for a chat with the head of midwifery about this. I think they can do it offsite too if coming to the hospital is reliving the trauma.

I hope you go for the debrief, op, and, yes, with your second child, you need to be writing your birth plan in red & in CAPITALS!!

Good luck for tomorrow, op, & I hope you get some sort of resolution soon x

Yes, op, please update

Hello

I wanted to reply to this as I had a traumatic birth and I feel for you. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's great you're doing a debrief. Take a list of questions and try and write down the answers as you will be very emotional and forget what was said and what you wanted to ask. It doesn't matter if you forget anything, you can do another debrief/have another meeting with the head of midwifery whenever you like if you want to (I had to have one before I could face getting pregnant again with my second child!). If you have any trouble organising it (though doesn't sound like you have had, but just in case), contact PALS, the patient relations bit in any hospital. They are always really nice and helpful. Try and get your husband to come with you for emotional support, and don't worry about bringing the baby, they will be entirely used to it and it won't matter if the baby cries at all. Very good luck to you for the debrief.

Can I also recommend to you the Birth Trauma Association, www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk. They have many stories on their website, which you may find very triggering, but will also help you see you are not alone. They also have tips of what to ask in a debrief and what to do if you wish to complain. Their Facebook group is also worth joining. They have recommendations for counsellors which might be worth looking into if you are still ruminating about everything. I ended up with post natal depression and what helped most was talking to a counsellor as well as friends. I think the more you tell your birth story the better it's cathartic and helps you get things straight and work out what still puzzles you. I had lots of 'black holes' in my memory of my first birth too I think that's quite common -- and the debrief helped fill some of those in.

The other issue is your friend's behaviour. For her to get admitted by the midwives in that situation, she must have insisted to them she was your birth partner (rather than just a friend), and been quite forceful about it. Anyone can tell you hospitals are really tricky even about letting husbands/mothers/sisters into the birth room sometimes, let alone a random birth partner. For lying about that alone, she is no longer your friend. That is properly mad. I suspect her helpfulness before the birth was a bit OTT and escalated into this. I have no idea what kind of issues she is dealing with, but you are in no position now to unravel them. Please don't let her prey on you any longer. I think her behaviour has been vampiric. You are at such a vulnerable time; when you've had a baby it feels like all your skin has been scraped off. Even more so if you have also been through a traumatic physical experience too. You need to cocoon yourself and surround yourself with nice people and things as much as possible. Don't let this woman mess with your precious head. Good luck. You can do it! We are all rooting for you.