Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

[mrsvindiesel]

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

no shes not big or scary lol
I will say it myself when I have the strength I hope tomorrow I'm still trying to process everything ....
I still feel like did that really happen which is debilitating me a bit and making me unable to do anything more than just ignore him totally till ive got my head straight
I hope this isnt seen as weak I don't know what else to do I'm so confused, hurt, ashamed ( wrongly I know but still am ) and shocked
the sort out the house practicalities are taking over and that's making me feel even more lost
I just need a day or so to get my head around this first my head cant cope with everything at once

Have you made yourself a nice mug of hot chocolate or Horlicks or something you like?
Please give yourself something nice and comforting. You are worth so much more than he's been showing you for so long.

wannabee....I'm not sure that's the sad thing ive spent 3 years spending every waking moment trying to please him if its not sending nice messages etc its planning what I will cook him do for him when he is here etc i think the real me got lost maybe as little as a month into the relationship
I'm not sure how to get that back

keepingmum no not yet....Not as healthy but I have taken up smoking again tonight something he made me quit! Not sure that's the kind of thing you meant but has got me through the night so far nonetheless

I am going to sleep on the sofa tonight I don't want to sleep in my bed and the tv playing quietly can hopefully drown out my thoughts

the problem it would solve existed in his life long before we even met

I thought that might be the case. To quote the classics: I think I'll have a heart attack and die from not-surprise.

OK then, you can walk away. Please do so with a clear conscience. He showed himself in his true colours last night: someone who is not suitable to share your life with. Horrible though it was, he's done you a favour in a strange twisted way. You do not owe him anything and he is not your project to save. You need that money to make a future for yourself, hopefully with someone nice who loves and respects you as a human being, not a blow-up doll with purse attached.

Vin you are not worthless and you do not owe this guy anything. The house purchase solves things for him but it just gets you in deeper. House offers get cancelled all the time for a variety of reasons. I am not the sort to say LTB, I am really not, I usually see everything half full not empty and think, oh yes, have a chat, work things out etc BUT this is like watching a car crash in slow mo. Had it been out of character and he was full of remorse I might have thought you could salvage something but you have had no foreplay in three years, woman! Get out of this relationship then concentate on what YOU want for dinner.

I bought this book www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260 and it really helped me take control of my sex life to get the kind of sex that was truly mutually enjoyable (mindblowing!).

I had one inexperienced lover read it, sometimes with me trying things suggested in the book out together. He turned from one of the worst lovers I'd had to the best. Not that this would have worked with your p, mine was loving and giving to start with, just sexually inexperienced.

Sorry, seems I cross-posted with about a pageful of discussion... sleep well.

Thank you all I'm going to try and get some sleep my eyes hurt from crying but I feel scared to shut them incase I dream about it

he is a shit yes he is hugely selfish and inconsiderate but ( maybe naively ) I NEVER thought id be having this conversation about him
I feel broken and lost I hope he is panicking too like I felt last night but I'm sure hes sleeping soundly thinking ill be over "my mood" tomorrow
I will be back in the morning if theres anyone around to chat to
your replies really mean alot so thank you

Thank you all I'm going to try and get some sleep my eyes hurt from crying but I feel scared to shut them incase I dream about it

he is a shit yes he is hugely selfish and inconsiderate but ( maybe naively ) I NEVER thought id be having this conversation about him
I feel broken and lost I hope he is panicking too like I felt last night but I'm sure hes sleeping soundly thinking ill be over "my mood" tomorrow
I will be back in the morning if theres anyone around to chat to
your replies really mean alot so thank you

Thank you all I'm going to try and get some sleep my eyes hurt from crying but I feel scared to shut them incase I dream about it

he is a shit yes he is hugely selfish and inconsiderate but ( maybe naively ) I NEVER thought id be having this conversation about him
I feel broken and lost I hope he is panicking too like I felt last night but I'm sure hes sleeping soundly thinking ill be over "my mood" tomorrow
I will be back in the morning if theres anyone around to chat to
your replies really mean alot so thank you

oops my Internet connection was dodgy and kept saying cant connect to mumsnet but obv it was hence the 3 of the same posts
sorry

sorry internet connection was dodgy and kept saying can't connect to mumsnet when clearly I was hence the 3 of the same posts

Hope you get some sleep. I'm currently in San francisco so 8 hours behind the UK and will be here if you can't sleep.

I just wanted to respond to this; he would NEVER in a million years see this as bad as people have said on here. he would say he got caught up in the moment, thought I wanted it, and then after I was overreacting/trying to make him feel bad/being oversensitive

This is what he would say to you but I guarantee it is not what he would say to a policeman because it is a basic admission of guilt for the crime of rape. See effective consent requires he take action to ensure you were consenting.

I wonder how you would feel about going no contact atm and either having the locks changed or going somewhere where he can't contact you? I think this really is a priority - he is not someone who respects your boundaries and one of the most basic things people need after any kind of sexual assault is safety and control over their boundaries.

Also agree with others that you don't owe him or need to give him any explanation. Whether he knows what he has done or not (and I suspect he does - 'making me feel guilty' 'can't deal with your moaning')

This has been a massive shock to your system and you need to be very kind to yourself in the coming days/weeks.

Wrap yourself up in fluffy blankets and make yourself a warm milky drink if you can't sleep. Although you may find you're off your food for a few days, try to eat little and often and consider buying a Bach's flower remedy either online shop.crystalherbs.com/Category.aspx?CategoryID=71&CPGR=0&PPGR=0&L=1 or from a local pharmacy which stocks the range - Larch and Star of Bethlehem are particularly apt for you at the present time.

Now that you're not going to commit to buying a house with an abusive and controlling twunt who has been blatantly using you for his own ends, you'll be able bin the linen that was in use on Wednesday night and give your bed a fresh new look with minimum 500 thread count sheets/duvet cover from the White Company or similar - yes, you are worth it and you'll feel a million dollars when you're luxuriating in it

And don't worry about putting on your friend. It is hard to see how her needs could be greater than yours just now. Could you stay with her? I can see why you wouldn't be able to sleep in the bedroom, staying with her or in a hotel tomorrow evening would help by giving you space, control and also some time.

Not that you need that book right now. But, you mentioned above not feeling like you'll be able to be intimate with someone again in the future. But, there is hope. If you can envision a partner who cares about you, how you are feeling, what you are feeling, learns with you to both be in tune with each others bodies, you can then safely explore what you feel comfortable doing sexually which with the right man could build up to being what you're looking for- comfort and closeness as well as the penetration sex act.

Work on getting rid of this man now. The advice to cancel house purchase asap is important. Take control of your communication with him, do it on your own terms. Breaking up with him in a way that you feel like you are regaining control will help your self-esteem and hopefully your future ability to accept a genuine loving partner in to your life.

I nearly cried reading what he did to you, and how he has reacted since. B kind to yourself and get rid of this poisonous man. We're all rooting for you

If you don't have any strong ties to where you live, can you move?

Also, are you able to go somewhere for a few days? I'm worried that he will pester/stalk you or turn up and threaten violence. This is him starting to show his true colors, and abusive men always get worse.

If possible, just text him that he shouldn't come over and that you don't want to see him again, then just don't be at your home, don't answer the phone, just be invisible. If he follows you, you can contact the police. You know that you could go to them anyway, if you want. You've done nothing wrong and you owe him nothing, so just cut him loose with no guilt.

Good morning OP. Just checking in with you. I hope you managed to get some sleep. Today is a new day and we are all here to give you any support you need and the strength to take steps to freedom.

What are your main thoughts this morning? Is there anything specific you'd like fron us?
If not then I'll just send hugs and kindness.

Hope you managed to sleep some last night.
Try to text him as soon as poss today, so it gets one stress off your mind. Tell him not to come round tonight. Say you felt abused the other night and he mustn't keep pestering. You need some time to get your mind straight and he mustn't contact you until you get in touch with him.
He'll possibly call round though? Is there anywhere you could go to stay for the weekend?

I hope you are feeling better and decisive. :)

Regarding the house, the important for now is to withdraw the offer on your part. It's not too far along the line. In fact, many sales falter at this stage and the damage is not that great.

This IS the time to stop it.

Regarding the mortgage you can still probably email the advisor, or leave a message at the bank. They should have someone covering for him/her.

Good morning OP. Just wanted to add my voice of support and encouragement for you and express my disgust at this man. Not ony did he rape and sexually assault you, he is also emotionally abusing you now. He is an utter arse and I despise him - you can tell him that from me

So, your list for today

1. make a big mug of tea / coffee and some toast
2. Phone the estate agent and tell them the sale is off
3. Phone solicitor and tell them you are pulling out
4. Leave a message for the mortgage advisor
5. take yourself out for a walk / run / cake / whatever will make you feel free and loved

You have proved all through this thread that you ae a strong, kind, lovely woman - and to add to that you have the support of many many women here who all believe and support you

Great list bitoutofpractice.

House sales are regularly stopped at all stages. You don't have to give them a reason but to avoid extra questioning just be clear that personal circumstances have changed and that you simply won't go ahead.

Things will be tough for a little but will feel great when you start to put yourself first.

I hope nobody thinks I believe this can all be solved with cake and toast btw. I just want the OP to be kind to herself and look after herself today

Number 6 on the list btw: text your arse of a STBexBF to tell him not to come tonight. He doesn't need or deserve a call. That's all he needs today if you don't feel up to actually finishing it today.

Could you be out tonight? Maybe at your friends? Just in case he turns up