Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

[mrsvindiesel]

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

Sometimes it's easier to see from the outside.
And we tend to "forget" things to keep the relationship going.

She sounds like a great friend. Listen to her.

and yes he criticises his childs mother constantly , she is nuts ive seen this for myself and seems very damaged...maybe hes partly to blame for the behaviour she displays though

Is there any way of putting a stop to your joint house purchase? I know you said it's complicated but it really isn't a good idea to be financial tied to him.

Yes, it becomes more complicated when you buy together.

ATM, I can't see how complicated it can be .

just wanted to add my voice to those sharing their sympathy and support; what he did is insufferable, he sounds like a real bully, sexually and psychologically.

I too think you should end this. What on earth do you get from this man? good luck x

the house buy was a solution to a much bigger problem hard to explain here without outing myself incase anyone knows him
he is meant to be staying over tomorrow night so I will need to cancel that tomorrow morning but I'm not strong enough to even send a msg to him tonight
he has text to say goodnight then! ( no kisses or anything ) this is just a feeler as I havent answered his call he does this all the time to make me reply....I wont this time

Hello Vin
Sorry I wasn't back sooner, big hug to you. As you can tell from my tone at whatever time it was this morning I was blazing for you. Still am. I know it must be really really hard to think about splitting and reneging on the house but in your shoes, I really really would. I cannot stress that enough, love. You do not want kids with this guy. You do not want to waste any more time on him. He will not make you happy in the long run because there is no intimacy there.
You crave affection and equate sex with love (not a criticism, many do) but you should not need to...there ought to be some measure of him cuddling you and cherishing you. There ought to be some level of sex = lovemaking rather than just putting it in. Do not have kids with this man. Do not stay with him as 'settling', you would be better off on your own than with someone who always puts his needs before yours.

hi stupidbloodykindle

thanks for coming back to check on me the kindness even off online strangers on here gives me hope when tonight I feel so worthless
i cannot comprehend how he thought I could have been enjoying that last night I couldnt breathe!! ( crying again now )
must stop playing it and re playing it over and over in my head as I keep feeling that sheer panic feeling I felt last night
I purposely didnt drink when my friend tonight even though a bottle of wine would have gone down a treat but I reckon the less emotional I get atm the better eh! x

The problem that buying a house was supposed to solve... is it your problem, his problem or a genuinely joint problem? Not trying to get you to say anything you don't want to on a forum that anyone can read, but to think about it. Will you personally suffer from pulling out of the purchase - suffer more than you would by living with that horrible man, I mean?

Late to this but sorry this happened
I realise you are still in shock but you do need to get rid, and cancel house purchase. Do you feel up to ringing the solicitor in the morning?
Hugs.

the problem it would solve existed in his life long before we even met...it is not a solution to any problem I have I was just seeing the move as a genuine lets buy a house not to solve a bigger problem but if it killed 2 birds with one stone even better
I would feel so guilty if I pulled the plug on it all as its far bigger than just a house....I know that is so stupid though!!!!
why am I so pathetic!!!

Pull out! It will create a bigger problem for you if you go ahead.

You don't owe it to him to solve his problems. He has treated you appallingly. You are worth so much more.

If you feel bad, have flash backs and can't cope call rape crisis.

Look after yourself.

Op, today is the first day of the rest of your life, and you are in control of what you do with it.

The first step towards moving forward, and onwards is to have realised what position you are in. Now you can gain the strength to walk away and never look back.

How far forward is the house purchase? Have you exchanged contracts yet? If not then you can still pull out, even if there has been money invested in searches and solicitor fees etc. Call the solicitor in the morning and pull out of the purchase before you do anything else. Whatever the reasons are for the move, they won't be insurmountable, they really won't, but do feel free to talk about them on here, and don't be too afraid of outing him. He doesn't deserve to be protected.

And remember that you are in control now. You haven't answered his calls, you haven't returned his messages, you get to decide if and when you will do that, and what you will say. Stay strong.

He's an adult, he will deal with it.
I have to go to sleep now but I hope you start to feel better. Shock will wear off and you will see clearly. Try and eat a little something if you end up being awake all night, or have a comforting hot choc or something like that.

His problem is not your issue. If you go through with the purchase it will cause you a hell of a lot more problems when you decide to dump him. Please do not go through with it.

well, you say he had the problem before you got together? and what did he do about it in the three years you've been together? nothing? Oh well, time he grew up and started taking responsibility for his own problems.

thanks wannabee
I dont feel strong at all tonight even the thought of talking to him / texting him tomorrow to say don't come over scares me
no we havent exchanged contracts our offer has been accepted the house is off the market but now our mortgage advisor is on holiday!
dont know where to start with untangling this....and I'm sad so sad I feel like everything I thought was going to happen now wont I really thought this house might be our happy ending/beginning together after years of shit
ie he must love me to want to buy a house with me
how stupid am I!!

mrsvindiesel I watched a documentary about a young woman who wanted to make it in the porn industry. The film showed her journey - going to the states, meeting her agent, castings etc. Then she was introduced to this big shot porn guy who dabbled in extreme porn.

At one point, she was being filmed in a scene with another guy giving her deep throat. Then, exactly as you describe, she started gagging and started panicking because she was unable to breathe. When she was able to get away, she ran off into another room, crying her eyes out, refusing to go back and continue with filming. She was shaking and obviously terrified.

The point is, even a woman who had starred in porn films, who had purposely set out to be a porn star, was disturbed by the deep throat incident. Let alone by your own boyfriend who is supposed to care about you.

he did nothing about his ( not caused by him as such ) problem....he cant solve it without me thats the point
maybe thats all ive been these 3 yrs a solution to a problem not someone he loves

You don't feel strong right now because at the moment what you can see is what's happened in the past. But think about the here and now, and about the future. Right now you're in your house, and you're safe. He's not there, and he can't hurt you. Think about that for a minute.....

And then picture something which you like doing, just for yourself, and imagine yourself doing that thing, in the future, where there is no fear or resentment or control. Just let yourself drift into that thought process, and once you have done that, take strength and courage from it to know what you have to do tomorrow.

You're at early stages of purchase then which makes it easy. So you ring the estate agent tomorrow and tell them that you've decided not to go through with the purchase, and they will re-market the property. If you've instructed a solicitor you ring them and tell them that you've decided not to go ahead with the purchase and they will cease all activity. And then you ring the mortgage adviser and leave a message saying that you've decided not to go ahead with the purchase and thus not to proceed with the application.

Then, you call him and tell him that because of last night you no longer want to be in a relationship with him and that you've already cancelled the house purchase. This is important, because it shows him you have taken control and he can't control you any more. Then say to him that you don't want to see him again, and that it's best all round that you make a clean break.

Then block his number.

cakedup I was that girl last night so I guess I wasnt overreacting which is comforting in a strange sort of way
I ( used to ) have a really high sex drive maybe confusing his sex for love I cant even bear the thought of doing that again to anyone not just him x

wannabee thank you I am lying here trying to remember what me was like pre him when I did things to make me happy not him when I didnt tread on eggshells or carry my phone about hoping he would call
I'm very lonely where I live I only have 1 proper friend ( the one who was over tonight ) and shes got her own life she cant babysit me
I think that's why ive stayed so long despite feeling so worthless.

What does that memory look like? bring it back up and then place it at a point in your future where you know you can reach for it and it will be there.