Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

[mrsvindiesel]

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

I'm sorry this happened to you, early on in our relationship my DH tried to push my head down when I was giving him oral. I told him to stop as I didn't like it and he never did it again. How long have you been together? We have been together a long time now (18 years) and if he suddenly came out with brand new stuff to do out of the blue I'd question why. Does he watch porn a lot?
To be honest if I had this reaction I would be jumping ship, it sounds awful

No it's not an overreaction. Make sure you don't end up under reacting to it though, as you do appear to already be on that path. Perhaps some counselling would help you to come to terms with what you should do for the best, by yourself that is as it's you who needs to work out where you go from here. He should just be sweating it out while you sort out your feelings. That he sleeps at night, commands your silence and passes the blame to you is continuing proof of his lack of respect for you.

Op, any decent man would be mortified at the thought of having done something which reduced their partner to tears. It is one thing having a fantasy, but sometimes the reality doesn't live up to that fantasy, and anyone wanting to live out what they have seen on screen needs to realise that.

You are an individual in your own right, and you have the right to feel safe and loved and secure in your own relationship. Sex is one of those areas where we can often be most vulnerable, because we open ourselves up to our partners and allow them to be with us in ways which others are not, iyswim. IMO this is the area where we should feel safest, and most respected by our partners, because it is where we are potentially most vulnerable.

My dp would be devastated if he thought that something he did reduced me to tears, and most men would feel the same. The fact your dp has acted in the way he has says everything about him, about the respect he has for you and your personal space, and about the sense of entitlement he feels to what is yours. He has no entitlements here, and if he can't even see that you were upset and acknowledge that he shouldn't have done what he did, then he isn't worth reasoning with.

You deserve to feel safe, and you deserve to not feel violated. If he already didn't treat you well then you know the answer.

You are not over-reacting OP. You've had a very frightening experience and it's kind of almost worse that his reaction is clearly that he's annoyed with you for being upset about it.

pre tonight I loved him so much even if he didnt treat me great

Do you want to tell us a bit more about this? Everyone in a relationship deserves to be treated well.

We have been together 3 years, no kids yet but in the process of buying a house together so not living with each other permenantly atm as hes looking after his ill mum and just stays a few nights a week until we can move into a new house
hes not meant to be staying tonight and I'm glad I do need some time to get this all straight in my head and see how he behaves
I'll keep coming on here and talking If no one minds as it really helps

Please don't buy a house with him. This is your opportunity to get away. His behaviour is unlikely to change.

You poor woman :(

Stop the process of buying a house with him. You can't go ahead with that now. You're in a really strong position since you don't live together and you have your own space. Don't give that up!

He assaulted you, ignored you whilst you were in pain and crying, and then messaged you the next day to ask if you were out of your mood because he couldn't cope with your moaning

That is horrendous. So he can hurt you and you're not allowed to mention it? Why is that? Why is your pain not important to him?

Please distance yourself. Tell him you need space to think after he hurt you. If he respects you at all he will leave you alone. But I suspect that won't be the case :(

Keep posting

he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
has called when I got to work to ask am I out of my mood yet?! And that he cant deal with me moaning at him

Please dump his sorry ass.

If I understand it correctly you were fucked with him on top in your mouth. Not on. You should have been in control of oral, not him.

It sounds like you do feel violated and I'm not surprised.

This is the time to let go.

Do not buy a house with this sexually abusive bastard.

It is such good news that you have no ties to him.

Start investigating how you can get out of buying a house with him. Talk to solicitors ASAP - if just to say can they put a stop on things as you are reconsidering. So you don't run up more costs than you need to.

Do keep coming here.

You need to think: what does he give you? Why are you still in this relationship?

Being in shock is not a bad thing! It is your mind's way of trying to cope with a trauma.

Often as you get more emeshed with a person the more the real them slips out. So one a first date they are very very polite. By date x they will fart near you. As you are getting close to "living together" he is letting his mask slip a bit more.

And how much porn does he use? Is this part of the reason he doesn't often want sex?

It's a huge red flag and it looks like he is already felling "safe" to abuse you.

Don't let him.

Start investigating how you can get out of buying a house with him.

That is easy.

Just tell him, the solicitors, the bank and the estate agents that you are pulling out.

Very seriously, do not buy a house with this man. Don't marry him. Don't live with him. Don't be in a relationship with him.

I wouldn't even be friends, tbh.

I would also speak to Rape Crisis - some RL support would be grand for you right now. I don't care how angry he is, he did something you didn't want and weren't happy with. Him being horrid after makes it so very much worse.

My DP has accidently made me gag a few times but the difference is he was sorry and more careful once he realised. Even I get a bit carried away sometimes with things but in a sexual relationship you have to feel safe. The fact he is now trying to silence you I'd a red flag imo, I think he knows that you lack confidence been assertive so rather then care about you he's shutting you up as it's easier.

You should have told him as soon as he got off you that it upset you and felt way out of control. Don't fear communicating or hope that if you act sad enough he will feel bad. I'd send him packing whiles you think things over and if you can try improve your self esteem so you can be assertive

My love, in the gentlest possible way: this was a rape. He raped you. And now he is trying to do damage limitation by making you feel like you're to blame.

It's not your fault.

It's his fault because he is a vile rapist.

Do give rape crisis a call and have a chat with them.

You do not need to make him feel okay about what he did.

You are with a porn addicted misogynist.

Do not buy the house.
Do not have children.

Do dump from a great height.

There's nothing good to come from a relationship with him. Not one thing.

In view of your last answer, break up with him. Do it now, and leave him in no doubt why.

"You hurt me"
"It wasn't my fault"
"You hurt me"

"I'm sorry, I won't do it again" (unlikely, but just in case"). HE WILL.

Bag up his stuff. Drop it at his mums and hope never to see him again.

And, it doesn't matter what he says, or how nice he is the rest of the time ( not very, by the sound of it) get him gone.

Read the sticky at the top of the relationships board, and be very very kind to yourself

All you have to say is that you don't want to be with him anymore. End of discussion.

thank you ladies I am definitely still in shock I think have been heaving in the toilets at work which just makes my throat even more sore!
I keep thinking about my boyfriend before him ( not because I want him back ) just as a comparison really.
We had a great sex life but it wasn't dirty it was nice loving I felt incredible just lying next to him even if he was only stroking my skin.
this current relationship the sex life is awful its very rare we even have sex but when we do its all about him, NEVER any foreplay unless its me giving him oral, no kissing and always his decision where/what way he wants me etc
I know it sounds stupid but this has made me realise I guess just how bad that side of our relationship is.
the realisation that he honestly couldnt care less about my pleasure or pain is a really tough pill to take....I always thought he was just a bit sexually selfish but maybe it's more than that.
he HAS to be dominant I have to be submissive I think that gives him a power trip and poss thats why he likes me as I am so submissive and eager to please him.
I feel sick

Don't buy a house with this man. I spent 2 years under-reacting to incidents just like the one you described and it obly gets worse. Please please, put yourself first. His reaction to it at the time and later on tell you everything you need to know...he isn't a good person.

KILL HIM

OR RUN NOW V V FAST