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Original poster

Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

321 replies

mrsvindiesel · 25/06/2015 01:08

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/07/2015 00:28

It's normal to miss someone you are used to be with.

But, as it often happens, what you miss is probably the idealised version of him. Your idea of him, that has maintained you with him for so long, instead of the real him, which you have learnt over the years to bury deep.
Now your brain has to unlearn that pattern.
It can help to have one single thing that you recall on every time you feel missing him, or minimising his behaviour. It can be the thought of what he did to you and lead to this thread. It could be something else. It may help to make a list of reasons to be apart that you can read any time.

MrsGrahamCoxon · 01/07/2015 00:42

Even if that was his thing and you might be up for it... You discuss beforehand the limits / safe words that are acceptable on both sides. That doesn't need to be boring. It can in itself be very exciting. The key word is complicity in the situation.

If he did that with a prostitute without agreeing and obtaining consent and a price for that service, it would be considered rape

Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 01/07/2015 01:55

That's how I felt like I was a prostitute NOT his girlfriend and someone he claims to love!
I thought I'd start feeing better about it by now like I'd be 'over it' or that just to write it off as crap sex but I don't feel better I feel a mess and used/degraded

OP posts:
Offred · 01/07/2015 02:10

I think it will likely take a while to get over but really if you did get over it quickly I don't think you'd have really worked through it, just pushed it to the back of your mind, and it would likely cause you more problems later. Have you contacted rape crisis? I think it would be really good, when you are ready, to get some support right from the off in dealing with this.

I'm glad you haven't seen him. I'm sorry you have been getting hassle from him though. You could report it to the police (the hassle) if you have told him to leave you alone and he won't. You don't have to mention anything else or why you asked to be left alone if you don't want to.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 01/07/2015 02:24

Hey mrsvindiesel, I'm up late and have just read through your thread.

He's behaved abominably, truly disgusting. What he did to you, and his actions since. from the sound of it. Its just, I don't know - is evil too strong a word? Possibly not.

You are going through the mill I can see, processing it all - but already sound stronger. Keep going, you will get there.

I hope you can get out of the house purchase cleanly (I'm guessing he needed you as he's unable to buy one by himself due to his divorce). Whatever his problem is, it's HIS problem. Do not feel guilty for a single second. And be prepared for him all of a sudden seeing the light, and saying sorry. But as soon as he thinks hes got you back under control, will start minimising like mad, until he eventually starts blaming you. Don't let him, please.

All this. Everything. Is a result of his actions. NOT yours. Remember that.

MrsGrahamCoxon · 01/07/2015 02:25

It doesn't have to define you as a person....either now or in the future. There is a part of you that may always feel like as if you're vulnerable to being used / degraded....but believe me, it happens to the best of us and is no reflection on you at all.

You can, with time, detach yourself from his actions. Maybe through some counselling, but maybe you just need to see him for what he is. A selfish and sad man. And maybe it will make your shield go up as far as future relationships go....I hope not too much, because there is a much happier life for you in the future.

Jux · 01/07/2015 08:59

Glad you're back and that it was just equipment breakdown!

Of course you miss him, it's all very recent, but you know that will change with time.

He will make promises (which he won't keep). He will cajole and flatter. He may buy expensive presents. The next phase is anger and threats. Then quite likely he'll develop a serious illness......

If you keep strong, block him, no communication, then he may just leave you alone.

Have you stopped the house purchase?

Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 01/07/2015 10:52

yes ive stopped the house purchase and told him I need time to think as hes ruined everything I thought we had
he still thinks I'm overreacting

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 01/07/2015 10:55

You are not overreacting. (Or everyone on Mumsnet would be "overreacting" too, and we're not.)

FeckTheMagicDragon · 01/07/2015 16:27

Of course you are not over reacting. And in any case it is not for him to decide how you react. He does not get to control how you feel.

Your feelings are valid (extremely so in this case)

Joysmum · 01/07/2015 16:39

He's minimising your hurt, pain and fears.

It what he did wasn't enough to end it then lack of concern for you certainly is. I'd be mortified if I'd done something to upset my DH so badly, I certainly wouldn't be looking to minimise myself out of it.

ouryve · 01/07/2015 16:54

Glad you're using that anger in useful ways, OP (apart from breaking your phone!)

Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 01/07/2015 17:04

thanks all Smile I probably sound like I'm doing better than I am I still feel so angry inside not so much about what happened more that what hes took away from me the last bit of self worth or shred of hope that someone cared about me Sad

not having a good day at all today I'm sorry x

OP posts:
Janette123 · 01/07/2015 17:12

mrsvindiesal,
Never, ever, let anyone else define your self-worth.

Just because you won't agree to his selfish, entitled, sex demands does not make you a lesser person. Nor does it make you a prude or silly or anything else.

Trust me, there is a nice guy out there who can love and respect you and your boundaries.

But you won't find him while you are still with this POS.

Flowers
Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 01/07/2015 20:51

thank you...I wish I could feel stronger and hate him or not care

OP posts:
Offred · 01/07/2015 21:30

See it as a sign that you are a normal, loving and caring human being, because it is. You are comparing yourself to his standards which you know are the standards of an abusive, selfish prick.

And of course he is extremely invested in telling you you are overreacting because he knows what he has done is against the law and the only thing preventing him feeling the weight of that is what you do now. His only chance is if he can convince you he did nothing wrong and anything you may have felt about it is wrong.

That doesn't mean he believes he was wrong, he most likely believes something along the lines of 'the law is an ass but I know I could still get in shit for it'.

Original poster
mrsvindiesel · 01/07/2015 21:43

I hope he realises what he did was wrong and the impact its had on me...of course he will never admit that though

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 01/07/2015 21:48

hes took away from me the last bit of self worth or shred of hope that someone cared about me

I know this is just a message board on the Interwebs, but I care about you, OP, and I think most of these lovely ladies here would say the same. And I'm also sure your friend who came round last week cares about you too!

I know it's not the same as having a partner. But this horrible loser was not worthy of you. There will be someone out there, someone amazing and caring and decent who will see you for the lovely person you are, who will love and cherish you as you deserve. Flowers

About feeling horrible and degraded: that will pass, in time. I'm a rape survivor, and it was my then partner. I would say it will be easier the more support and validation you have. Unfortunately when it happened to me (back in the 90s) I didn't really get much support. (If only MN had been around then!) These days I don't really think about it at all. And my sex life is just fine :)

Treat yourself well, be gentle with yourself, and if you start having a "maybe I am over-reacting" wobble, come back here and read the thread. Not one single person thinks you are over-reacting.

Jux · 01/07/2015 22:06

I care about you too. He was not the last person to care about you. There will be a very special person who will care about you and who will cherish you as you deserve. That person is not your ex.

Look after yourself.

Lweji · 01/07/2015 22:25

I hope he realises what he did was wrong and the impact its had on me

Why?
If he turns around and apologises will you go back to him?

keepingmum121 · 01/07/2015 22:44

It is impossible to get into the minds of people like that. I suppose you can't know whether he really believes he did wrong or if he's doing a great job of justifying it in his mind.

I understand why you care what he thinks. I think I understand so I'm sorry if I'm wrong. Is it because you feel self doubt when he's minimising what happened? Do you start wondering if you even remember properly what he did or waver in your conviction that he knew perfectly well he was violating you?

I hope you can manage to remind yourself over and over that HE WAS WRONG and you DO remember correctly and your distress is real because what he did was real and evil.

I wish I could say something encouraging but I don't know what. But I'm thinking of you. Hugs.

Offred · 01/07/2015 22:55

I think I understand, I would guess it is less because you might go back to him and more because at the moment you feel like you need validation from him for closure. In the same way you needed to talk to us and ask if it was wrong what he did. He was the only other person who was there and so I would guess it feels like his view is important.

If it is that, that feeling should fade in time. You can give yourself closure by trusting your own view of things and understanding that he knows what he did, as do you, but that he doesn't see it as wrong because he is a broken human being with an entirely damaging and damaged view of sex.

Offred · 01/07/2015 22:56

I.e it's a good thing you don't share his view because it means you aren't damaged like he is.

Offred · 01/07/2015 22:59

That's my outside interpretation anyway. He knows that he had to be pinched and that you were upset. He doesn't think that is wrong. You do not need his validation, not validation from anyone who thinks the way he does because by shared social standards, which are behind the development of criminal law, what he did was morally and socially wrong and a serious criminal offence - his opinion does not and can never trump any of that.

IonaNE · 01/07/2015 23:03

OP, I have just read the whole thread - so sorry you went through that. :(
Just want to say you've done brilliantly, dealing with him, and very importantly: with the house-purchase. I would just like to say this: he raped you that time. You don't want to purchase a house with a rapist. Please keep asking for RL support (friend, CAB) and if you can, keep posting. Flowers

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