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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

321 replies

mrsvindiesel · 25/06/2015 01:08

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

OP posts:
mrsvindiesel · 02/07/2015 15:08

hellowheels....Your ex sounds exactly like him! I'm always being told I'm overreacting/ too sensitive I drive him mad by taking things personally etc it makes you feel like you dont deserve to have feelings
I think you have done so well for leaving him and must be very strong
I dont feel strong at all I just feel so confused and lost still! I really thought it wouldnt bother me so much by now ( or rather id have been able to brush it under the carpet like every other shit thing he does ) x

OP posts:
keepingmum121 · 02/07/2015 15:15

I think the fact that you posted here and had it validated so unanimously has probably added to your strength of feeling. It is horrible to have to face up to the reality: what he did was definitely and categorically WRONG. No wonder you feel shaky and distressed.

It feels crap now but surely in the long run it is better than brushing it under the carpet as you have done in the past when he's treated you badly.

mrsvindiesel · 02/07/2015 15:16

hellowheels....its your 2nd to last paragraph about how he didnt ruin the relationship in 5 min that I really need to keep reminding myself/get through my thick head! that this was always going to happen because of how little he thinks of me Sad that thought is a devastating one
I have pulled out of the house but he thinks its still salvegable as without revealing too much its a friends house we were looking to buy so in his head we can always go back to them in the future as they are not desperate for the sale immediately if that makes sense?
my head feels battered I wish I had a friend like you or the other ladies on here in RL as mine dont really understand
I appreciate you all talking to me so much Thanks

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 02/07/2015 15:46

Not at all surprising that your head (and heart) feel utterly battered. When the ugly truth decides to smash its way in then it's traumatic. Added to the physical trauma of this disgusting attack (with its own emotional backlash) you're unable to dodge seeing what a nasty controlling abusive shit this man is. You can't shut your eyes any longer.

It will hurt but if you can, face the truth that's urging you to get free of this fully and completely. Hiding won't do anything but cause you more harm even if you try it. I suspect most of us have performed amazing psychological acrobatics to re-write the fact that our partners of the time have been appalling abusers. The bastards can be so convincing and beguiling, can't they? And we, for various reasons, so bloody gullible and open to receiving blame and denying our Selves.

Time to change your life yet? Like really, really change it?

mrsvindiesel · 02/07/2015 16:04

I'm scared I don't know why....

OP posts:
Granville72 · 02/07/2015 16:11

Have you spoken to a friend at all? Please try to if you haven't, they may be more understanding and of help than you realise

xx

keepingmum121 · 02/07/2015 16:12

Here is a hand to hold. X

Keep splurging on here if it helps, or in a diary, or call someone (Samaritans?)
It is a scary situation you are in, and through no fault of your own.

foolonthehill · 02/07/2015 16:13

it's ok to feel scared.

he has given you plenty of reasons.

we are also programmed to feel scared of some things.

You will be ok.

Stick with it.
Stick with us

mrsvindiesel · 02/07/2015 16:25

Thank you on scared because I don't want my whole life to change I don't want what I thought was my future to not be and I can't cope with the realisation that he didn't love me at all
I feel so worthless

OP posts:
HelloWheels · 02/07/2015 16:26

I'm scared too. But I was also scared when I was with him. Scared to speak my mind, scared to express my feelings for fear of being ignored or ridiculed.

My fear now is a fear of the unknown, fear of a future different to the one I had pictured having with exP. I will adjust to that. So will you Thanks

Some fear of seeing him as well as I am tied to him for the next 18yrs or so through DS.

HelloWheels · 02/07/2015 16:28

X post! I feel worthless too but it was being with him and how he treated me for three years that made me feel that even more.

I'm scared of being alone. I liked being in a partnership, of pretending to myself that he had my back (when really he was the enemy within). That delusion has gone.

mrsvindiesel · 02/07/2015 16:29

Yes I've spoken to my friend she was disgusted by what he did but doesn't understand why I miss him or love him etc

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/07/2015 16:38

It's understandable that you love him, but if you look at it carefully, you love an idea of him that you have built in your head. An idea where you have buried and excused all the crap he has done to you.

I think your therapy is to refocus on that crap, even if it hurts. But it's not a reflection on you. It's all down to him.
He didn't deserve the love you had to give him.
He didn't deserve you.
He abused your trust and your love.
He is probably not capable of love.
He probably has such low esteem that he needs to step on other people to feel better about himself and be able to even love himself.

All about him.

You deserve love. And you deserve to be treated well.

HelloWheels · 02/07/2015 16:39

For me, it feels like I've been dumped by him, because he gave me no choice. Instead of one big lump of rejection, I was fed a spoonful a day for three years.

SylvaniansAtEase · 02/07/2015 16:40

why de he ruin everything for 5 min where he thought he was in a porn film or something its just such a waste

He didn't though, that's not what this is, as others have said, it isn't the case that he was a good guy, you were all happy and in love with a generous, upstanding, supportive, loving, kind man and then BAM he goes 'mad'. It wasn't like that at all.

Quite simply, your posts throughout have shown that this guy is a nasty piece of work through and through. Abusive, bullying, sneering, selfish, aggressive, NASTY. You could see it, sort of, but didn't want to believe it... plus he's conditioned you over time to accept poorer and poorer treatment until you just don't see most of the bad treatment any more (to the frustration of your friend). And that's how it happens, that's how women end up in abusive relationships - because they are nice generous people, they give the nasty shits the 'benefit of the doubt' and get steamrollered by the abuser until they don't know which way is up.

For example, you cite him wanting to buy a house with you as evidence that he 'does love you'... or why would he want to buy with you - err, sounds more like taking advantage of you to me! Why WOULDN'T he want to buy a house with someone he can completely bully and dominate? He gets the benefit of your financial contribution, the benefit of you no doubt getting to do all the housework/shitwork, and he's confident that when it comes to decisions re anything to do with the house, he can bully you into anything - so basically, it's HIS house that you get to help pay for.

As for him 'loving' you - well, again - that's simply the wrong way to look at it. He's an abuser. So it's different. He doesn't understand the first thing about love - that's exactly the problem. He'd stand there, tell you of course he loves you, AND BELIEVE IT HIMSELF, and then promptly treat you worse than a dog. And to him, that makes perfect sense. In his world, love is taking for granted. The one closest to you... is the one you kick first. The one who depends on you... is the one you know you can fuck over and they'll come back. That's love to an abuser. It's about using and abusing. So, does he love you? Pointless question - he means something different, something warped, when he uses that word, and has no conception of what YOU - and all normal people - mean by it.

So, all that happened the other night is that he finally did something so bad that you opened your eyes. As we've said above, of course to him it's nothing, because he is an abuser. Thankfully, it has shocked you into action.

Get as far away from him as you can. Abuser, bully, RAPIST.

Jux · 02/07/2015 16:40

At least she isn't trying to get you back with him. Just tell her that emotions don't switch on and off like taps. You are used to having him around and you feel the gap his absence has left. You will get used to the new way of things, and you will stop feeling the love for him; indeed you will wonder how you could possibly have done so. It really is more habit than anything else, and that will fade. It's still a bit soon after the fact yet.

Granville72 · 02/07/2015 18:42

But your life will change for the better.

In time you will realise (if you haven't already) that he was a waste of time and the relationship was based on deceit and lies. You cannot have a healthy loving relationship with someone who does not love you or respect you. You're still in shock, the anger, hatred and hurt will soon surface.

And do you know what? You will go on to have a lovely life, you will meet someone who genuinely loves and respects you. You will have that life that you want, a home, a loving partner, a family. REPSECT.

But not with this man. If you haven't already, then end the relationship. You say you've called off the house purchase, but didn't say you'd finished with him.

Shrivelleddate · 02/07/2015 18:43

Sending you strength & love. You had some great advice already. Thinking about making a break is much worse than doing it. Xxx

Flowers
tipsytrifle · 02/07/2015 19:18

Maybe listen to your friend in RL and ask her more about her responses? She doesn't get how you might be clinging on, doesn't understand why you still love/need him. If you're brave enough, your RL friend will show you more truth. Listen to her. Please.

Love and dependent attachments are different emotional landscapes. Nothing to do with each other.

amarmai · 03/07/2015 03:00

You are doing great, Mrs.Vin. Huge congrats! Keep on communicating with MN and your friend and cab and any other resources that can support you thru this. btw- did you change your locks and ensure that your finances are protected?

worldgonecrazy · 03/07/2015 08:38

You are not worthless. You may FEEL worthless at this moment in time, but I guarantee you that in a few months, when you have rid yourself of this millstone that is dragging you down, you will wake up one morning, or catch sight of your reflection and give yourself a great big grin and a huge thumbs up for saving yourself.

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