Mrsvindeisel - I missed sawyers posts, thankfully.
I have just read the full thread. I want to tell you that I know almost exactly what you are going through.
I had a very similar situation with my now ExP. It was a year ago, I wasn't brave enough to leave him. I stayed and he got worse. I only finally dumped him last week.
I know exactly what you mean about missing him and being sad etc. I miss my ExP too, but as a pp said, I miss my idealised version of him, not the reality.
He made me feel like shit at times, but he would dismiss my feelings, make me feel like I was overreacting, call me neurotic etc. Like you I never told anyone everything because I knew that they would be horrified and tell me to leave him. I was so embarrassed by the way he treated me, the way he spoke to me. I told myself that it wasn't too bad, he wasn't directly abusive, just "inexperienced in relationships".
Two weeks ago he name called me and then minimised it when I told him I was upset. The name calling wasn't too bad "snob" so not "bitch" or anything obviously abusive but I'm sure it would have got worse if I hadn't binned him.
The incident last year that was similar to yours also involved deep throating and gagging. He minimised my upset and distress. It took me four days to react, four days to find my anger and kick him out. Like you I was in shock.
Unfortunately I took him back and suffered more. I stayed with him for too long because we have child. I am so glad that you have had the strength to cancel your house purchase. We have both done the right thing.
We miss our exPs because we excused them every time, "he's upset because of x" etc, we tried to see the good in them. We wanted them to be good partners, wanted them to love us. They chipped away and chipped away and chipped away at our confidence until we needed people on here (thank god!) to highlight it as abuse to us.
He didn't ruin the relationship in five minutes. He ruined the relationship by his attitude to you that underpinned every interaction - you can hopefully see that more clearly now, as can I. His attitude that led to his abuse. His belief that you were there for him to use. His pure selfishness that meant he couldn't comfort you when he had hurt you and caused you distress.
I am still crying about my particular bastard every day, missing the physicality of him, but I know it will get easier. Stay strong, we are both doing really well and we will look back and be proud one day.