Am I wrong to be really upset? tmi!

[mrsvindiesel]

I can't sleep and fighting back tears
my partner is snoring beside me, today for once he was feeling horny it seems as was sending me messages at work about what we should do later
it was nice for once as he never does this! but in reality it was awful
his ideas sounded great, bit porn-y but he is a bloke and I got caught up in the thrill of it I guess
when we actually got to bed it was all about him, god I'm sorry if this is far tmi but I have to be frank unless it doesnt make sense!
he wanted to kneel infront of me and me give him head so he was in control apparently, I let him but he was getting too into it I guess and kept choking me making me heave and like I couldnt breathe I felt panicked and wasnt enjoying it at all
In the end I grabbed him and pushed him off and turned over quietly crying to myself.
he did keep asking if I was upset and I said no I'm fine but it was obvious I wasn't as he said I was making him feel guilty and to stop it.
I dont know what to think or say now, maybe what ive put on here doesnt paint the picture to the full and sounds petty but it was awful
I lay and silently cried till he went to sleep, ive never had a sexual experience especially with someone thats meant to love me like that
please someone say I'm not overreacting I dont even want to look at him at the moment I feel so hurt

Hope you are ok and had a little bit of rest last night.

Right, you don't know how to sort this or where to begin?

1st - Phone the Estate Agents this morning and withdraw from the house purchase.
2nd - Call your conveyance solicitors and tell them the same.
3rd - Call your mortgage advisor and tell them the same.
4th - Text your 'partner' and tell him it's over and you have withdrawn from the house purchase and you don't want to see him ever again.

Personally I wouldn't even bother with NO.4, he's not worth your time.

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM OR MOVE IN WITH HIM. He most certainly does not love you or have any respect for you.

I think you need to talk to someone. If you don't feel it's your friend right now, then how about your doctor - a female one.

I really want to re-iterate that decent men who get "lost in the moment" and unintentionally hurt or panic their sexual partner DO NOT ACT IN THIS WAY. They are IMMEDIATELY full of remorse and regret and direct all their focus on ensuring their partner is comforted and settled. Please do not let him use that excuse.

I hope you have managed to get some sleep and are feeling a little stronger.

morning ladies
I havent made any phonecalls yet I cant face it but I have sent him a msg saying pls dont come tonight I need some space thats about all I'm up to atm

I will sort the rest later I havent slept so even the simplest of tasks feels huge today
thank you so much for your kind words and support

Could you email instead of calling? That might be more faceable.

Have you eaten? Try and eat something, even if it's only something small

Well done on sending him that text! It's a good place to start.

Are you working today? Sorry if you already said. It might be worth checking through your employee benefits to see if you have any counselling or advice services that you can access via work (you wouldn't have to tell anyone at work what has happened.)

Something very traumatic has happened to you, and your reaction - having it constantly running through your mind, feeling sick, being unable to imagine being in anything like that situation again, not wanting to be in the place where it happened - these are all common experiences for survivors of trauma.

I hope that in a way you might find reassurance in that - that you are NOT being a drama queen, or making a fuss of nothing, or moaning on - or any other minimising bullshit he might say to excuse his assault on you.

If you need to take the weekend before dealing with the other stuff, that's okay. Do things at your pace.

You have no legal obligations at this stage with the house move, so don't worry that you're going to be penalised for pulling out. If it's easier, you could email the estate agent and mortgage advisor to let them know you won't be going ahead. You don't have to give a reason.

Treat yourself very gently at the moment. Give yourself good food, have a glass of wine (but not to excess), have a nice bath or shower with some expensive lovely bubble bath or shower cream. I won't mention the smoking

OP, I'm a man so hope you don't mind me posting.

I'm horrified by what happened to you. You are not overreacting or being a "drama queen". What he did to you was a very serious assault that the criminal justice system would take very seriously indeed.

I don't know, but my guess is that this guy is shitting himself because he knows he crossed the line. His first instinct is not to think of your welfare, but his own.

I remember an incident from many years ago with one of my first girlfriends. We were having sex and, without going into too much detail, I was (very gently and affectionately!) twisting her hair in my fingers. She sort of froze. I stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. She burst into tears and, after some time, told me that she had suffered abuse as a child and the hair thing was a trigger for her.

I was mortified and apologetic. We spent half the night talking and the other half with me holding her whilst she slept so she felt safe.

I don't say all of this to make out how wonderful I am. I'm not. I'm just ordinary and there are hundreds of thousands of men like me. I just wanted to reassure you that there are good men out there who wouldn't dream of treating you the way that this guy has and who will be completely understanding of your need to take things slowly/avoid certain actions etc in the future.

I wish you well.

bitoutofpractice I tried to have some toast this morning it made me gag!
seems I have an overactive gag reflex now I will try again later but thanks

I havent sent any emails yet or made any phonecalls I just feel drained
I think I will take a day or so not dealing with the practicalities and trying to get my head straight nothing will change with the house situation over the weekend anyway

pocketsaviour thank you

I'm just going to spend today trying to relax and deal with the practicalities monday as everywheres shut anyway for the weekend
it does help to know I'm not being a drama queen

pompodd....I was hoping a man would post too at somw point with thier views just to see if you saw it differently but clearly you dont ....
I wish my partner had acted as considerately as you did when you unintentionally freaked that girl out
I dont know if hes panicking now hes probably licking his wounds that I'm ignoring him and bitching about me to his mates bet he wont tell them why I am eh!
thank you your post helped me see its not a bloke thing acting like that its a HIM thing

How about a smoothie or some juice? (yes, I am your mother! )

It's not you OP. It's not "all men". It's him (and some other abusive twats) but not all men no.

it is actually good to have something in your system to help when you're stressed - something to do with anxiety hormones - apologies for lack of proper scientific explanation! I have general anxiety and I learned that when I can't eat, it's good to have a hot choc or fruit smoothie to help settle the nerves, from a scientific perspective not just an emotional one!

good day for ice cream where I am, hopefully for you too.

I would send emails about formal things as they might ask for it in writing anyway.

Good for you for sending the text.

Keep taking as long as you need.

I assume there will be some of his stuff at your place. If so, you can arrange for a friend to take it to him, or to drop somewhere public, even leave it at his work, or his neighbour.

You won't have to meet him at all, and certainly not allow him at your place.

The rest can be very simple, and you can do it by text.
I'd tell him I'm pulling out of the house purchase just in case he'd want to buy it himself.
And I'd do it asap, mostly in consideration for the house owners.

Of course he's not panicking and, as I very much doubt he'll take much notice of your text, you should be prepared for him to call you or turn up on your doorstep, in which case you can tell him in person that your relationship is at an end and you don't want to see him again - keep it short and call the police if you feel threatened by him.

With regard to his allegedly unstable ex, it's possible that she suffered from low self-esteem before she met him and it's probable that being with him caused whatever condition she may have had to become infinitely worse.

This could have applied to you too but, now you've seen him for what he really is rather than your rosy-hued notion of what he could be, you'll no longer have his toxic presence blighting your life.

Be kind to yourself and try to eat - or have milkshakes/smoothies/juices - little and often until your appetite returns and keep posting here for ol support.

Thank you all...his ex was raped as a teenager which has caused all kinds of psychological issues I'm pretty sure his influence hasnt helped!
I'm going to stay at my friends tonight incase he decides to turn up!

It seems a bit like a pattern.
A vulnerable woman, and you do seem to have low boundaries in relation to him too.

Very glad to read you are staying at your friend's! You are being so strong.

Well done sending the text, and very wise move to stay at your friend's place tonight - could you stay for the whole weekend?

You are doing well, you've had a massive shock, been abused horrifically, and discovered that the man you've spent 3 years with is not who you thought he was.

You're a star, you are

well done you

Keep away, stay strong.

He will probably not be concerned for himself....he probably thinks he is completely in the right. he will reinvent the scenario until it fits his view of how wonderful he is...that does not mean he is even nearly right.

Truth is not bendable and what he did is despicable.

Love to you

Hope you are OK and safe OP. We all believe you and are right behind you

Hope you are ok OP xxx

hi ladies I'm back!
I broke my phone as threw it when he was hassling me bit of an overreaction but didnt exoect it to break! anyways got it fixed now
this weekend ive avoided all conversation ive been to the cab yesterday who gave me some good advice so I guess things are moving on the right direction but tbh I still feel so headfucked.....
sorry for the few days silence I've been totally lost without my phone and hope people still are willing to talk youre advice has really helped

How are things with him? You say he was hassling you - by phone? Have you seen him? Xx

hi thanks for replying....no I haven't seen him at all
I miss him though is that crazy?