Wife's cheating - please help

[DadNeedsAdvice]

Hi,

I'd a dad, married for 5 years and have 2 great kids - a boy aged 3 and a girl of 7 months. I've discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and it feels like my world has fallen apart. I'm looking for some advice and perspective from you if you think you can help me.

Two days ago, I found 100's of phone messages between her and her boss dating back 18 months to Feb 2014. She no longer works there as she is on maternity leave but was intending to go back next month. The messages start off quite friendly and then quickly become sexual in nature - while it's clear that her boss initiated the sexual side of things, my wife went along with it and they sent eachother some pretty graphic text messages - I'm sure you can guess at the content. The boss also sent her a number of sexual pictures and videos, although I didn't find any evidence of her doing the same.

I confronted my wife who initially denied anything was going on but when I said I had all the evidence, she said that they had only kissed a few times and that clothes were kept on at all times - she says they never had sex. However, I do know that they had been on a couple of business trips together and had been in the same hotel .. again, my wife said they only kissed & touched and is pretty insistant about that. In some ways, I do believe her as in some of the messages, she says that she would go further if she wasn't married and that "don't you just wish that there were no consequences sometimes and that people can do what they want and no-one else would get hurt?". One of the messages from her (ex) boss refers to a time they were on a business trip and in a hotel room "kissing passionately and holding eachother very closely".

What really hurts is that much of this was taking place when my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child - she would have been around 5 months pregnant when they were in the same hotel room. On top of that, they had been messaging eachother when my wife & I had been away on holiday, on our recent anniversary and so on. I have to say, that although this all started at around the time my wife fell pregnant, I've no doubt that I'm the father as my daughter looks very like me.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me but I hope you can understand how hard it is for me to forgive. I love my kids more than anything and feel sick at the thought of the family falling apart but at the same time, my wife's cheating (whether there was sex or not) hurts me so badly and I don't know what to do.

When I confronted her, I told her to phone her boss (in front of me) and tell him that she wouldn't be going back as I had found their messages and that he shouldn't contact her again. He didn't really say much, just "yes" and "ok" but that would have been (and here's a crucial point) that he is currently away with HIS wife on holiday, so he couldn't talk alot anyway.

I really don't know what to do and my mind is in turmoil. On one hand, I don't want to lose my family, but on the other, the thought of my wife (as a minimum kissing & touching) another man is playing over in my mind - it has only been 2 days so is still pretty raw but I don't know if it will ever get better to the point I can forgive & trust her. Over the past couple of months, their messages were less sexual in nature, although he was hinting that he's like to keep it going - her responses were more friendly in nature.

The other thing is that I have lots of evidence - messages and explicit pictures (of him only) and am considering telling his wife. Would this be the right thing to do? Of course it would hurt his wife but I think she shoud know. I admit, that there's an element of revenge in my mind as well. How should he be able to do this and just get away with it and be able to do this again?

Just writing this has helped me, but if you have any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

I see no sign in this thread that OP wouldn't want his DC provided for

Still take your time if you need it. To take no decision is a perfectly legit decision for the time being.

Make sure you are not isolated and get support.

Your wife has to do serious work on herself before there is ever any marriage counselling. If she doesnt plus huge remorse plus huge discussion and explanation to you there is no point. As you can see in case of other man if she doesnt change and work on herself she will just have another affair in a few years time - her affair when pregnant was especially bad so she is IMHO at high risk in the future. Glad you can stay here and get support

She will get much more than an equal share of the assets. He will end up paying for her to stay in the house - eventually with her new man. His hard work will pay for the new man to sit on the settee he bought and watch the sky tv he can't afford in his new one bedroom flat. Guaranteed.

Well, it's more than a week since I found out and I've lost 10lbs in weight. The OM's wife has chucked him out (at least temporarily) so, and while it might seem vindictive, I'm glad he's suffering. I'm quite sure the touching & kissing, etc. ended a while back but that doesn't make it any easier for me ... it DID happen and my wife knew at the time it was wrong. I still don't know what to do but I feel that the longer I leave a decision, the harder it will be to break away if that's my choice. My wife is incredibly remorseful and is probably in shock herself. I don't think they have/will made contact with eachotehr but I wish there was some way to be sure as that would be a definite deal-breaker for me.

I feel that the longer I leave a decision, the harder it will be to break away if that's my choice

And you're absolutely right. There's always another way to rationalize what's happening and to persuade yourself that it wasn't so bad because such-and-such didn't happen (or you try to tell yourself it didn't happen) and in the meantime you're slowly eaten away by the doubt and mistrust

As I said before only you can decide if you'll be happy with this long-term, but please know that, while some manage to rebuild things, whatever you had before has now gone; she chose to throw it away, and not just for a brief crazy spell but a sustained period

OP.
Try not to make any big decisions for the time being. I know everyone is giving great advice, but you need to allow yourself to slow down, you are under a great deal of stress right now, 10lbs is an awful lot of weight to lose through stress in one week.
I know your W is remorseful and the OW has been kicked out, but right now all all your w wants to do is forget about this and move on, she needs to understand things will never be the same again. Trust can take years to build up. I think a big factor here is if you hadn't found out, would it still be going on, she needs to be v honest about this and why did she feel it was OK to treat you and you DC like this. Crying and being remorseful is not enough right now, you need more.
Do you have a friend in RL that you can go to and really talk to them, you need someone you can trust and can rant and rave and let it all out. Is there any thing you enjoy doing that you can meet up with a friend and completely forget about whats going on, you need a release right now.
I am very sorry for what you are going through, no one deserves to be treated like that.

If she's remorseful and nothing to hide, then she'll have no issue with you checking her phone at random times will she.

Even if she's deleted the history, get an itemized bill and see whether they've made contact with each other.

bjrce, the texting (more friendly in nature rather than sexual) wouold have still been going on if I hadn't discovered the messages but as my wife was due to go back to work last Monday, it may have started up again, who knows? I see what you are saying about telling someone but that's a big step for me at the moment

Granville, I was checking her phone randomly until a few days ago - I'm thinking that if I do that all the time, she would be wary about hiding things if anything was going on ... I'm leaving it a while before checking again in case something is going on and she becomes complacent (I'm also using some useful software I found which shows all texts/whatsapp messages, calls, etc. whether deletd or not.

The issue for me, at least at this moment, is partly whether there's still contact, but mainly that it happened in the first place.

I think checking the phone from now on is a waste of time. The DW has been caught, she will not get caught again unless he wants to.

OP, focus on yourself and taking care of yourself. I know its hard, but you are probably never going to find out the full extent of what happened. Why would she tell you??? Ironically there is currently another thread on here. The injured party has been asking for the truth for a couple of months (in order to move on and possibly reconcile). Finally the DP admits the "full truth", now the injured party is heart broken and cannot forgive.

Of course your DW is incredibly remorseful she has been caught. However I am not sure about probably in shock herself she's had over a year to reconcile her actions.

The question to ask yourself is, do you have the capacity to forgive? Everytime your DW goes for a night out, will you be wondering what she's up to? Everytime she buys new underwear, will you be wondering, everytime she mentions work, what will you think of, even watching TV and infidelity comes up, what will you be thinking? Reminders will seem to be everywhere.

I was checking her phone randomly until a few days ago - I'm thinking that if I do that all the time, she would be wary about hiding things if anything was going on ... I'm leaving it a while before checking again in case something is going on and she becomes complacent (I'm also using some useful software I found which shows all texts/whatsapp messages, calls, etc. whether deletd or not.

This is no way to live, for either of you.

Checking phones, social media accounts and email is par for course in the short term.

OP, I think you really need to speak to someone in real life. Yes you feel ashamed at the moment but bottling it up isn't good for your physical and mental health. One day its going to explode at the wrong person.

Has she told her family?

I do agree with mynewpassion, you do need to speak to someone in RL, someone who is not too emotional or judgmental. Someone who you trust and can speak in a calm, positive, frank manner. Who will, if you need keep it in confidence.
From reading your thread, I do get the feeling you don't want to break up your family, but you are very hurt. It doesn't always have to be a case of LTB, I do get the feeling the OW wasn't really interested in your wife long term, based on what his wife told you, he obviously had form. He is a total creep, but not for you to worry about.
Does you wife realize he had an affair before, she wasn't so special to him after all.

Do speak to someone, it will help you.

Meant to say OM not really interested in your W long term!

Do you have a good friend or a close work colleague you could have a pint with and tell them what has happened?

Sometimes saying it out loud to someone and sharing the burden is the first step in the right direction, being able to have a face to face conversation with someone and get a different perspective on what has happened?

If not, maybe Relate near you, just so you can get this off your chest and understand your feelings, confusion and hurt and make a decision as to how you are going to move forward.

Actually, looking at your thread in detail, would it be the case, as both of you have two DC each, all the DC would be going on holiday with you.
Sorry, don't think I would be tolerating this. I'd go on holiday with my own DC.
Do you both own the house jointly or is it yours, if its yours only, I would be asking him to leave, take his DC with him, and change the locks, see how much the only wants him then. Although as you're together 6 years, you probably own the house together.
I get the feeling you are in such shock at the moment, he doesn't really realize the extend of the hurt he has caused. He seems to be going about his life as normal. I would be asking him to move out for the time being, stop worrying about the holiday, go on it with your own kids. Stop carrying the burden for everyone.

Apologies OP, I posted in the wrong thread.

bjrce was really right in saying you need someone to talk to. In this difficult situation you need to make the best decision for you (and your kids) I dont think you will make the best decision bottling it all up. It really helps to get it out. It preserves your sanity! I had a good friend plus went to counselling plus got support on MN too. Couldnt have survived without it all .

You dont have to tell anyone you dont want to - you can keep it to a select very few.

You are facing a long term situation here. You need some help and support to make your way through this really tough life changing situation

"I was checking her phone randomly until a few days ago - I'm thinking that if I do that all the time, she would be wary about hiding things if anything was going on ... I'm leaving it a while before checking again in case something is going on and she becomes complacent (I'm also using some useful software I found which shows all texts/whatsapp messages, calls, etc. whether deletd or not."

OP thats really sad, sad that this whole situation has resulted in you installing spyware, as Vivica said that's just no way to live. At which point do you uninstall it and/or stop spying?

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Well it has been a while now:

• they didn't have PIV sex, the furthest it went was kissing & touching on multiple occasions and sexting (not that that's not bad enough, I know). Things might of course have been different if she wasn't pregnant
• the OM's wife has thrown him out, marriage over. This being his 2nd affair his wife knows about was the deal breaker
• I'm still living at home and trying to cope 1 day at a time
• I'm managing to eat again, not as before this happened, but still eating
• my wife says she'll do anything it takes to try to regain my trust
• I still don't know what I'm going to do

What a roller coaster ride this has been.

You're doing really well, Dad, but I second other people's advice in finding someone in real life to confide in. At some point, you will have to make some serious decisions and the more talking you do now as part of the thinking process the clearer things might be.

I agree with DrSethHazlittMD - we can offer a little help here, but you really need to get some RL support in whatever form you think would be best for you (talking to a friend, counsellor, family member). You are facing a huge decision which will have serious implications either way, so you need to take some time to work out what is best long term.

I'm going to arrange an appointment for myself with a relationship counsellor. I looked up relate but can't find them here (seems they don't cover Scotland unless I'm mistaken). I guess that will at least help me get it out and help me with options

Your illusions have been cruelly shattered, your ego has been severely dented, and it's unlikely you'll ever be able to fully trust your wife again.

At the moment she is presumably out of a job, but if she returns to work you'll be wondering whether she's similarly taken with another boss/colleague and if she becomes a sahm you'll be wondering if her head has been turned by a sahd or some other guy she's become familiar with.

These are issues you can explore in counselling to see whether you can get your head into a place where you won't be tormenting yourself about what she's up to when she's out of sight, otherwise paranoia and/or bitterness can easily set in and you won't recognise the person you've become.

It's early days and only time will tell if you can overcome her betrayal of your trust, but have to say I don't believe for one minute that there wasn't more going on than kissing, touching, and sexting and would be inclined to ask exactly what they were kissing and whether they were fully dressed at the time.

Dad, try here -
www.relationships-scotland.org.uk/relationship-counselling

Seems they go under a different name. Failing that, call your GP surgery and they will be able to point you in the right direct to something local for you.

Thanks Granville, I've got an appointment for next Wednesday.