Wife's cheating - please help

[DadNeedsAdvice]

Hi,

I'd a dad, married for 5 years and have 2 great kids - a boy aged 3 and a girl of 7 months. I've discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and it feels like my world has fallen apart. I'm looking for some advice and perspective from you if you think you can help me.

Two days ago, I found 100's of phone messages between her and her boss dating back 18 months to Feb 2014. She no longer works there as she is on maternity leave but was intending to go back next month. The messages start off quite friendly and then quickly become sexual in nature - while it's clear that her boss initiated the sexual side of things, my wife went along with it and they sent eachother some pretty graphic text messages - I'm sure you can guess at the content. The boss also sent her a number of sexual pictures and videos, although I didn't find any evidence of her doing the same.

I confronted my wife who initially denied anything was going on but when I said I had all the evidence, she said that they had only kissed a few times and that clothes were kept on at all times - she says they never had sex. However, I do know that they had been on a couple of business trips together and had been in the same hotel .. again, my wife said they only kissed & touched and is pretty insistant about that. In some ways, I do believe her as in some of the messages, she says that she would go further if she wasn't married and that "don't you just wish that there were no consequences sometimes and that people can do what they want and no-one else would get hurt?". One of the messages from her (ex) boss refers to a time they were on a business trip and in a hotel room "kissing passionately and holding eachother very closely".

What really hurts is that much of this was taking place when my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child - she would have been around 5 months pregnant when they were in the same hotel room. On top of that, they had been messaging eachother when my wife & I had been away on holiday, on our recent anniversary and so on. I have to say, that although this all started at around the time my wife fell pregnant, I've no doubt that I'm the father as my daughter looks very like me.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me but I hope you can understand how hard it is for me to forgive. I love my kids more than anything and feel sick at the thought of the family falling apart but at the same time, my wife's cheating (whether there was sex or not) hurts me so badly and I don't know what to do.

When I confronted her, I told her to phone her boss (in front of me) and tell him that she wouldn't be going back as I had found their messages and that he shouldn't contact her again. He didn't really say much, just "yes" and "ok" but that would have been (and here's a crucial point) that he is currently away with HIS wife on holiday, so he couldn't talk alot anyway.

I really don't know what to do and my mind is in turmoil. On one hand, I don't want to lose my family, but on the other, the thought of my wife (as a minimum kissing & touching) another man is playing over in my mind - it has only been 2 days so is still pretty raw but I don't know if it will ever get better to the point I can forgive & trust her. Over the past couple of months, their messages were less sexual in nature, although he was hinting that he's like to keep it going - her responses were more friendly in nature.

The other thing is that I have lots of evidence - messages and explicit pictures (of him only) and am considering telling his wife. Would this be the right thing to do? Of course it would hurt his wife but I think she shoud know. I admit, that there's an element of revenge in my mind as well. How should he be able to do this and just get away with it and be able to do this again?

Just writing this has helped me, but if you have any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

I think its very unfair on his poor wife not knowing about her unfaithful husband you should tell her. your wife has betrayed you, take plenty of time to think if shes the person you really want to spend the rest of your life with.

And also the wife of the other person situation can wait. Dont worry about it now - its you who is important and looking after yourself. Deciding not to take a decision around that is a legitimate decision at this stage when you have so much going on and to deal with.

Dont take any very quick decisions but think about them and process them over a while.

HI There,

Don't contact the wife, you are very emotional ( understandably) and upset.
Don't do anything in anger. You will only regret it.

If I was in that situation, under no circumstances would I allow my wife to go back to that job, others may well argue with me, but for me it would be a deal breaker.

You wife has behaved very badly, don't listen to the crying and sob stories, right now she is only sorry she was found out. You are in a very difficult situation.

I wouldn't leave the house just yet. I would demand the absolute truth from her. Tell her whats at stake, separation, divorce, broken family. She needs to be very aware of the consequences of her actions.

I hate to say this, but your lives will never be the same again. You need to make that clear to her. I know you probably still love her and want to make it work, also, don't keep all this hidden from family, even if you are going to make a go of it. I don't mean go shouting about it, but talk to family in RL and ask for help. Don't put the pressure on you in keeping her secret to save her face.

Did she plan to leave you? you will have to face the thought may have entered her head, because if all it was , was a sexual affair she has really been playing a very dangerous game.
Don't worry about the OM right now, he is a complete shit. Focus only on you and your family

Take care of yourself.

So bjrce, if your DP was cheating on you would you prefer you weren't told about just because the person telling you might be emotional?

Also, meant to add, the boss sounds like he has no intention of leaving his wife. He was just using your wife for sex, there's absolutely no way a man would be sending those type of text messages if they hadn't already had sex, he was just setting himself up for when your wife went back to work. Your wife is definitely lying.

Your wife has been very foolish and has completely let you down.
Let the OM think what he likes, right now all he is worried about is his wife finding out. She couldn't care less about your wife or your family.

No MLP,

I would want to be told, but right now the OP is so upset, he needs to focus on himself and his family, I wouldn't let the OM away with what he did, I would let the wife know, but right now that's not his priority. IYKWIM.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Maybe take a few screen shots of the messages and if, in a few days, you want to you can tell the wife and have evidence that he was a winning participant. I would want to know if it were my husband. Any physical act would be a deal breaker for me.
As for your wife, I can't help but feel that the tears are regret at being caught out rather than remorse for what she has done. It's a very difficult situation but you need some space to think about things. Then, maybe after a few days you can giv her a "one and only" opportunity to tell the whole truth. Then you may be able to decide where you would like things to go.
Again, I'm so sorry OP

Op, many peoplectellibgvyou your wife is lying, that she has slept with her boss. No one knows for certain.

I would base your decisions on what you do know.

My ex husband started a thread on here about me (we were still together at the time) and every single poster suggested to him that I was a prostitute! Sometimes they get it wrong.

I am so sorry to hear this. I am going through similar (have own thread about husband and escorts/ massage while we were going through a 'dry' period and I had my head in the sand. But I decided not to add to the thread for a while until this sinks in). You do not have to do anything hasty. I am getting legal advice next week and am going from emotional/ clingy to cold with my husband. It is a nasty shock and you need time. Get some real life support. I wish you all the best

So sorry to hear you are having to go through all this. Do at the very least tell your close family what is going on so that they can try and support you during this difficult time, as you will need support in RL to help you get through this.
I do think that you should let the OM wife know what has been going on. She has a right to know what a twat she's married! Also she may find more evidence about what was going on(though by now they both may be trying to get their stories straight and covering their tracks...).
Like a PP mentioned he should be reported to HR as he is her boss and she'll now have to leave because of him. Also the fact that he was clearly trying to start things up again now that she's recovered from giving birth and coming back to work shows to me that he's after only one thing....making it likely that she's just using the old minimizing tactic and they probably have been sleeping together. He sounds like a sick man to be honest, having an affair with a pregnant woman! I really don't want to say this and will probably be flamed for saying it.... but I'm going to since you're sure the baby is definitely yours since she looks like you.... but have you considered that maybe she herself wasn't sure about paternity during the pregnancy and hence the txt about consequences? If that was the case then it shows you more about they're characters, and the level of deceit.....
Going to a hotel for a few days will probably do you some good so you can think about things and perhaps also get a plan in place if you decide to separate from her. I don't think it fair at all for you to lose access to your kids because of her terrible behavior! If you do plan on leaving her you could maybe talk to a lawyer about getting 50:50 custody though have no idea how this works for men..
Please do take care of yourself during this awful time however hard it may be . Once again am so sorry that this happened to you.

I would definitely tell his wife, but be prepared for it to make you feel a bit shit/guilty even though you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I told the OW's partner via a Facebook message which he didn't find until 10 months after I'd sent it as it went into his 'others' folder, so try and make sure that you can tell her by a method that will get to her straight away. Him contacting me just re awoke all the visceral pain from those first few days after I had discovered the messages.

Don't worry too much about making decisions about the future for a few days, just take care of yourself, this is a shitty time.

Sorry to hear you are going through this, its literally sickening especially when such a small child is involved.

I do think they have slept together, I reckon that is when she has cooled it off as 1) it wasn't as great as she thought it would be and changed things 2) she realised how wrong it was and the guilt set in. Thats why he has been pushing for more and talking about being 'naughty' and she has been only friendly. I'd take it as a good sign that she has cooled it off with him on her own accord before you'd even found out as it means she's over him and ready to move on sorting things with you.

I agree you need some time on your own. Whatever you decide try not to be swayed by guilt of breaking up the family because you decide you can't stay together anymore. If that's what you decide it wasn't you breaking up the family. If you decide to stay and make a go of it, it will be hard work and could take years to get over it or you may find later down the line that you can't do it anymore and haven't managed to get over it.

You need your wife to be 100% transparent about everything that really happened between them so you can begin to move on from it.

I'd also contact the boss' wife, if I were her I'd want to know!

The other usual piece of advice would be as she is probably minimising (lying) would be to get an STD check. Cheaters are not prone to worrying about a partners physical health when they already have no respect for their partner/ family/ self etc.

Also. I fall on the side of telling the woman.

Thank you everyone so far for the advice and thoughts. I have no concerns about having evidence if the need arises as I have every message in a spreadsheet, date/time stamped and everything, togerther with a few of the man's 'photos' - should be quite convincing if I choose to tell his wife (which I am planning to do, probably in person). This is such a hard time but I'm quite resillient - the decision I need to make is whether to stay or go and that's a tough choice, especially with kids involved. If I knew for a FACT that there had been sex then that would be different. I guess the next few days will help me see things a bit more clearly.

Imo you are best advised to take yourself off to a hotel or similar for a couple of days.

You don't need to tell your wife how long you'll be gone but do tell her that you need time and space to consider your options and make it clear that one of those is to divorce her for adultery and name her boss as co-respondent.

Also say that you will be seeking DNA testing to determine that you are the father of your dd as this may further serve to convince her that this isn't simply a case where she can turn on the tears, beg forgiveness, and everything will be as it was.

Forgiving is one thing; forgetting is entirely another and no-one here can predict whether or not your marriage can survive your wife's despicable betrayal of your trust in her.

Nevertheless, if you keep posting you'll receive all the support you need to get you through what may appear to be the worst thing that could happen to you, but which may prove to be a blessing in disguise.

I don't mean my last sentence (above) to sound trite but many marriages survive adultery and, while the sexual infideliy of a partner may seem to be an event of cataclysmic proportions, it is by no means the worst blow that life may have in store for us.

It's pretty shocking that she did this whilst pregnant. It would be this that I would not be able to really come to terms with TBH and even without PIV sex (the 'without' being very unlikely I would say), the messaging even continuing when you were on holiday/ anniversary etc. it's a level of betrayal way too far for me to consider coming back from. She could have knocked this on the head at any point but....didn't. Only upset at being caught as a PP has said illustrates the situation perfectly. She was, after all, planning to return to work and no doubt continuing in her piss poor behaviour. I would also tell the managers wife. I would want to know and want to know the full detail too. Sorry you have this crap in your life.

I feel for you. I have been through a similar thing and know how it feels

If he initiated things knowing she was married to you, you should perhaps confront him, tell him you know and let him stew for a bit. Let him know you're considering telling his wife

Why do you think this happened? I echo what jabbsy24 says in terms of trying to figure out why it happened in the first place so you can fix it, if you decide to

My ex said the same though, that they didn't sleep together and was very convincing. It transpired that they did - a lot! I could never cheat on someone though so maybe she is telling the truth. My ex is an ex though because I couldn't get over it, even though he ended it completely with the ow and was crushed when I found out and ended it with him. I don't think the trust can ever be regained after something like this.

I'm sorry for what you're going through - focus on yourself for a bit and clear your head!

Sorry this has happened.

You need to be kind to yourself as you have had a massive shock.

Give yourself some space between you and your wife and confide in someone (it's no good bottling your emotions inside).

In regards to the 'has she had sex or not'....who knows. However, I would be inclined to think it was a little more than kissing.

sorry OP its time to address your situation and not to allow your hope for a good outcome to cloud your thinking. People having a relationship (whether its a fling, a proper relationship or any other form), usually "build up" to things. The relationship starts by holding hands, then a kiss, then physical contact and so on. You know how this works.

Do you really think this relationship was any different? Enablers like staying in a hotel, just up the ante. Here is the key - if the "tone" of the OM's txts, did not change, then in all probability the relationship followed the usual course (from hand holding to piv sex). I am sure if at some point your DW would have stopped the progress (i.e. did not sleep with him), the tone of his txts would have changed. He would have been trying to persuade her.

The other point is the fact that they maintained the relationship via txt (even while you were on holiday FFS) would make me think that they intended to carry it on after the baby was born.

Its for you to decide you tollerance for your DW's "unfaithfulness", but even though highly unlikely that PIV did not take place. Do you really think they didn't cover the range of non PIV options? Will you be able to put that behind you?

Lastly very sorry to say OP, this but please have a paternity test, you can not tell the parentage of a 7 month old baby by looks.

I'm finding it fascinating how many people are encouraging the OP to tell the OMs wife!

When the OP is a woman whose DH has strayed, nine posts out of ten will be along the lines of "Don't tell the OWs husband/be the bigger person/revenge is a bad idea" etc etc.

Not saying either is right or wrong (I'd always recommend telling regardless of scenario) - I just find the differences in response striking.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.
Shagging another bloke while pregnant? Repulsive. Get rid of her, make sure everyone knows why and tell the OMs wife.

I would always say to tell the unsuspecting partner, be they male or female. Not for revenge, but so they have all the info needed to make decisions about how they want to proceed and maybe to protect themselves, sti etc. If you were the unsuspecting partner wouldn't you want to know?

What a vile human she is.

If this was a woman saying this about her husband you would be told to start divorce proceedings. I'm not sure I agree but what she's done is unforgivable. Fucking about whilst pregnant? That's so low. I'm so sorry.

I'd ask her to leave :(