Wife's cheating - please help

[DadNeedsAdvice]

Hi,

I'd a dad, married for 5 years and have 2 great kids - a boy aged 3 and a girl of 7 months. I've discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and it feels like my world has fallen apart. I'm looking for some advice and perspective from you if you think you can help me.

Two days ago, I found 100's of phone messages between her and her boss dating back 18 months to Feb 2014. She no longer works there as she is on maternity leave but was intending to go back next month. The messages start off quite friendly and then quickly become sexual in nature - while it's clear that her boss initiated the sexual side of things, my wife went along with it and they sent eachother some pretty graphic text messages - I'm sure you can guess at the content. The boss also sent her a number of sexual pictures and videos, although I didn't find any evidence of her doing the same.

I confronted my wife who initially denied anything was going on but when I said I had all the evidence, she said that they had only kissed a few times and that clothes were kept on at all times - she says they never had sex. However, I do know that they had been on a couple of business trips together and had been in the same hotel .. again, my wife said they only kissed & touched and is pretty insistant about that. In some ways, I do believe her as in some of the messages, she says that she would go further if she wasn't married and that "don't you just wish that there were no consequences sometimes and that people can do what they want and no-one else would get hurt?". One of the messages from her (ex) boss refers to a time they were on a business trip and in a hotel room "kissing passionately and holding eachother very closely".

What really hurts is that much of this was taking place when my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child - she would have been around 5 months pregnant when they were in the same hotel room. On top of that, they had been messaging eachother when my wife & I had been away on holiday, on our recent anniversary and so on. I have to say, that although this all started at around the time my wife fell pregnant, I've no doubt that I'm the father as my daughter looks very like me.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me but I hope you can understand how hard it is for me to forgive. I love my kids more than anything and feel sick at the thought of the family falling apart but at the same time, my wife's cheating (whether there was sex or not) hurts me so badly and I don't know what to do.

When I confronted her, I told her to phone her boss (in front of me) and tell him that she wouldn't be going back as I had found their messages and that he shouldn't contact her again. He didn't really say much, just "yes" and "ok" but that would have been (and here's a crucial point) that he is currently away with HIS wife on holiday, so he couldn't talk alot anyway.

I really don't know what to do and my mind is in turmoil. On one hand, I don't want to lose my family, but on the other, the thought of my wife (as a minimum kissing & touching) another man is playing over in my mind - it has only been 2 days so is still pretty raw but I don't know if it will ever get better to the point I can forgive & trust her. Over the past couple of months, their messages were less sexual in nature, although he was hinting that he's like to keep it going - her responses were more friendly in nature.

The other thing is that I have lots of evidence - messages and explicit pictures (of him only) and am considering telling his wife. Would this be the right thing to do? Of course it would hurt his wife but I think she shoud know. I admit, that there's an element of revenge in my mind as well. How should he be able to do this and just get away with it and be able to do this again?

Just writing this has helped me, but if you have any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

Exactly what I was thinking Dora.

OP it doesn't matter if you knew they had sex or not. She's cheated on you - end of. Kissing and touching is not acceptable. And whilst pregnant too..

I'd never get over this and would never be able to trust this person again.

And you won't be breaking up the family, she has done it by doing what she's done.

OP I am sorry to hear this and haven't had time to read the whole thread. From a legal point of view I suggest you go and see a solicitor before you spend a night away from the house. If, and I know you can't say at this stage, the marriage is irreparable you may affect your rights regarding the home and access to children if you have already left the property. Make a call and get a free hour's initial advice. I would recommend seeing marriage guidance as you need to be able to talk this through whether you stay together or not. Good luck.

That is absolutely not true Dora! Can you back that up? No point trying to gender reverse anything here. Betrayal is betrayal, and most posters can see each situation separate to other scenarios, in its own context.

I am sorry to ask this, but are you sure the baby is yours?

I would ask for DNA test, STI check for yourself, and possibly a divorce in your shoes. Do you have other children or is this the first?

The only reason I would NOT tell his wife (yet) in your situation, is that I would want to see commitment on the part of your wife to stay away from this job on her own accord, rather than being forced to resign/given notice for whatever other reason they can cook up.

Sorry, just saw you have two children.

Quint it really is like it. Exactly how Dora said. It's always be the bigger person, don't stoop, it'll be enjoyable for a second then you'll regret it, don't wreck their lives too, blah blah. It's the first thing I thought of when I read this thread. Just look through other relationship threads where a woman has found out their partner's cheating. You'll find the general consensus is always to not say anything to the other innocent party.

This is devastating OP and I feel so sorry for you.
I don't think the speculation about whether or not they had full sex serves any purpose. Your wife has been unfaithful to you.
I also disagree that you should automatically leave her. You obviously love your children and their future happiness must play a big part in your consideration. You may decide to accept what your wife has done for their sake. But somehow she must be able to convince you that it will never happen again.
Agree with others that you need real life relationship support.

OP, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. It is absolutely devastating to find out that your partner has been cheating. Everything you though and believed in is has been brought into question. I agree that you need some space. You don’t have to make any decisions yet; just try to look after yourself whilst you try to take in what has happened
At the moment she is probably in self-preservation mode and will do everything she possibly can to try and minimise the damage she has caused and won’t comprehend that lying will be making it worse. I would wait until you are both in a calmer state before you try and get the full truth. You might want to point out at that you need to know in order to have a STI screen.

There are lots of on line resources and self-help books. One I found useful is Andrew G Marshall – How can I ever trust you again, particularly in the first few days/weeks when I was trying to make sense of it all. If you decide you do think the relationship is worth salvaging you could try counselling, I found it helpful. The main thing to remember is that this is no reflection on you. An affair is fantasy and cannot be compared to real life relationships, it sounds like your wife has already worked this one out. Your wife chose to be unfaithful, she may have been coerced, she may have been hormonal and there may have been relationship issues. None of this excuses what she has done, but may have a bearing on whether you feel you can forgive and move forward.

Whether you tell his wife is up to you, their relationship and family are not your responsibility, however I would want to know.

There are (sadly) lots of us who have been in your situation so don’t bottle it up. There will always be someone on here offer you a virtual ear to listen and shoulder to cry on.

They were in an intimate relationship even if they didn't actually sleep together so I'm afraid she has betrayed you no matter how she tries to excuse her behaviour. Only you can decide if you can rebuild trust between you but personally I think once somebody has cheated on you there will never be 100% trust ever again.

One point is that if you decide you would like to start again in our marriage, your wife must do 3 things 1) As previous poster said be totally transparent. Answer every question from you honestly. Be prepared in future to have phone and all media totally open and no hiding anything 2) Must be totally remorseful and totally sorry about what she has done 3) Must work really hard at starting again and be totally supportive of you as you work through the pain and difficulty that she caused. Do anything within reason to make you feel safe.

I think it a really bad idea for you to go to a hotel. You've done nothing wrong. Tell your wife to go somewhere for a few days.

I know I've done nothing wrong Doris but it's best the kids are at home. Mumfum - I understand your point about her being transparent but how can I tell?

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me

She would say that, wouldn't she? As old a chestnut as 'we only kissed', etc. She has been deceiving you long term by telling you whatever oils the wheels for her affair, and now she's been caught. There is no chance that they did not have sex, otherwise there would have been no point in the intimate talk and subterfuge you discovered in the texts.

The turmoil you feel is shock, let the facts sink in and then develop your strategy to deal with this, in the time-honoured way of men.

OM's other half is materially affected and definitely has a right to know, to get tested for STIs and to decide what to do about her marriage.

OP, it's your choice whether to stay in your own relationship, but bear in mind what a lousy track record your OH now has. She is a person who put her love of DCs and you below that of having a bit on the side. Do you think that sort of mindset would ever fundamentally change?

When cheaters are caught their priority is damage limitation. They will confess only to what you already know. Over time , when they are challenged more and more truth will trickle out. This is known as trickle truth. Each new discovery causes just as much shock and pain as the original discovery.

Cheaters are not unique in any way. They pretty much all do and say the same things, so much so that it's fairly predictable. Much of what you have said is typical cheaters script. Anyone who's been in your shoes will be familiar with the denial and minimizing ie it didn't mean anything. I've sent you a pm with some links you might find useful. Have you anyone in real life you can speak to about this ?

'I think it a really bad idea for you to go to a hotel. You've done nothing wrong. Tell your wife to go somewhere for a few days.'

This. Tell her to pack a bag and spend a few days away

I think its fine to stay in a hotel for a couple of days to sort out your mind.

However, long term, maybe do not leave your home until you decide what you want to do.

I have to say that your wife really is something. Five months pregnant and still cheating. Sometimes a ring isn't visible enough but with a protruding stomach as a more visible and physical reminder that she is married.

I also think that regardless if they had sex or not, you have to ask yourself if you can trust her again and if you can forgive and forget her betrayal. Maybe you can't.

Additionally, I would write a letter to HR and have your wife write a letter of resignation. Make it all formal.

Lastly, inform the OM's wife in person with evidence. Be sincere in your approach rather than vindictiveness or bitter. She doesn't deserve either; just empathy.

For transparency this explains it: www.emotionalaffair.org/transparency-can-cant-after-an-emotional-affair/

And I found this questions and answers very useful but didnt use the site overall: www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

And this is the site for a classic book - the site provides a lot of good information for free: www.shirleyglass.com/introduction.htm

Thanks to each & every one of you for your thoughts, advice & wisdom, much of which will have come from going through something similar yourselves.

It has only been a few days since I discovered the cheating but it has been a real rollercoaster - one that's still going. I've hardly eaten or slept and had no idea I could be hit so hard. I've been through all the emotions, the anger, the fear, the hatred - you name it, I've been feeling it. At the moment, it's 50/50 as to whether I try to make a go of it or cut my losses ... one hand, it would be devastating for the kids - on the other, I feel so hurt. I've made the decision to contact the other man's wife, although I'm not sure how to go about it ... if I look up her home number and call her out of the blue with it, she might just think I'm a nutter ... if I call her and ask to meet her somewhere public, I'm worried about how she might react when I tell her. However I do it, I WILL do it - partly out of fairness to her and partly as revenge on the husband/cheat. I have a number of graphic images he sent my wife together with 100's of text messages and I'm wondering if I should put any of that to use.

Does anyone have experience of contacting the cheat's spouse? How should i do it? I know some of you will say to focus on my family and not his but I can't see myself letting him off with it.

I'm afraid have no advice on how to contact her in the first place, as I said before my FB message took rather a while to be seen!

However you do go about it I would save the photos only for if she needs absolute proof, don't go straight in with them, I know from experience that photos will burn their way into her brain and torment her. (something which you are unfortunately also aware)

I'd post a note to her address. A fairly formal and unemotional note.

Just briefly saying that you have very lately discovered texts etc that revealed a long term affair has been conducted between them. That you regret being the bearer of such devastating news but you strongly believed she had a moral right to know. Your phone number is xxxxxx should she wish to contact you for further information, at any time.

But be aware that she might not contact you. If I received a letter like that, I may react with total paralysis. Not wanting to know etc. Head in the sand in pure panic.

Thats why I suggested putting "at any time" Cos it may take her weeks to call you back, and indeed she may never call you back.

You have to realise your priority should be telling her, and once told, she owes you nothing.

Despite the turmoil I'm actually in awe of your strength, OP. Remember that there's no particular timeline for your decision - trust me that when you're ready you'll know - but also remember that this wasn't a quick drunken fumble or even a bitterly regretted one night stand; it was protracted, deliberate and especially unpleasant deceit

Unfortunately you'll almost certainly never know the whole of it since your OH - provably a practiced liar - won't see any advantage in admitting any more than you can prove. From experience I'd say it's this constant doubt which can destroy you in the end, even if you decide to try again; the constant wondering where they are and what they're really doing is utterly corrosive and only you know if you could live like that

Obviously the children will be upset if you split, but then again you could stagger on in a toxic atmosphere which would also damage them, only for the result to be the same in the end. No matter what happens always remember this wasn't your doing, isn't your fault and certainly won't be your loss in the end

Like a lot of people on here, I understand what you are going through. I discovered my DH's affair on Mother's Day (nice). We've not had a temporary separation but DH is doing his best to show he is remorseful.

It is crucial that your wife knows it is all down to her now - if she wants to keep you, she MUST do everything she can to show she is sorry. It sounds as though she has started this by saying she won't be returning to her old job (if I read that right?).

I was recommended a couple of books on here: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and Not Just Friends. We both read them and they helped us to understand how it happened and gave advice on what to do next.

I wouldn't give him and his wife's relationship a second thought. Concentrate on your marriage.

I've had the unfortunate experience of informing two separate men their wives were involved with my ex husband. The first time I simply phoned him. He was incredibly shocked. He called me back after a couple of days as he had found evidence himself .He wanted to know how long I had known for , who else knew ect. The second time I didn't have a number so sent a message on Facebook. I never heard from him.

I would phone her. Tell her you have evidence if she wants to see it. He may have already warned her ie , my employees husband is crazy and thinks we've been having an affair . Doing this is often not a popular view but it does ensure the affair is definitely finished and that the cheaters have consequences. I also think it's important your wife sees you being assertive about this. After you have spoken to his wife I would call om in front of your wife and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay away.

am surprised theres not more advice on this thread, there seems to be so much more when its man has cheated.

hows it going tonight DNA, how are you feeling?

I haven't looked at other threads but I'm thankful for the advice offered so far. Not feeling great, can't eat or sleep and still pretty raw