Wife's cheating - please help

[DadNeedsAdvice]

Hi,

I'd a dad, married for 5 years and have 2 great kids - a boy aged 3 and a girl of 7 months. I've discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and it feels like my world has fallen apart. I'm looking for some advice and perspective from you if you think you can help me.

Two days ago, I found 100's of phone messages between her and her boss dating back 18 months to Feb 2014. She no longer works there as she is on maternity leave but was intending to go back next month. The messages start off quite friendly and then quickly become sexual in nature - while it's clear that her boss initiated the sexual side of things, my wife went along with it and they sent eachother some pretty graphic text messages - I'm sure you can guess at the content. The boss also sent her a number of sexual pictures and videos, although I didn't find any evidence of her doing the same.

I confronted my wife who initially denied anything was going on but when I said I had all the evidence, she said that they had only kissed a few times and that clothes were kept on at all times - she says they never had sex. However, I do know that they had been on a couple of business trips together and had been in the same hotel .. again, my wife said they only kissed & touched and is pretty insistant about that. In some ways, I do believe her as in some of the messages, she says that she would go further if she wasn't married and that "don't you just wish that there were no consequences sometimes and that people can do what they want and no-one else would get hurt?". One of the messages from her (ex) boss refers to a time they were on a business trip and in a hotel room "kissing passionately and holding eachother very closely".

What really hurts is that much of this was taking place when my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child - she would have been around 5 months pregnant when they were in the same hotel room. On top of that, they had been messaging eachother when my wife & I had been away on holiday, on our recent anniversary and so on. I have to say, that although this all started at around the time my wife fell pregnant, I've no doubt that I'm the father as my daughter looks very like me.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me but I hope you can understand how hard it is for me to forgive. I love my kids more than anything and feel sick at the thought of the family falling apart but at the same time, my wife's cheating (whether there was sex or not) hurts me so badly and I don't know what to do.

When I confronted her, I told her to phone her boss (in front of me) and tell him that she wouldn't be going back as I had found their messages and that he shouldn't contact her again. He didn't really say much, just "yes" and "ok" but that would have been (and here's a crucial point) that he is currently away with HIS wife on holiday, so he couldn't talk alot anyway.

I really don't know what to do and my mind is in turmoil. On one hand, I don't want to lose my family, but on the other, the thought of my wife (as a minimum kissing & touching) another man is playing over in my mind - it has only been 2 days so is still pretty raw but I don't know if it will ever get better to the point I can forgive & trust her. Over the past couple of months, their messages were less sexual in nature, although he was hinting that he's like to keep it going - her responses were more friendly in nature.

The other thing is that I have lots of evidence - messages and explicit pictures (of him only) and am considering telling his wife. Would this be the right thing to do? Of course it would hurt his wife but I think she shoud know. I admit, that there's an element of revenge in my mind as well. How should he be able to do this and just get away with it and be able to do this again?

Just writing this has helped me, but if you have any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

It's completely normal Op. For now the adrenaline will keep you from sleeping .Do ensure you eat properly although I understand you won't have much of an appetite. You really must be extra kind to yourself now.

It is so painful. Just take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time. And you must get some support. If you cant tell anyone get a counsellor.

Does your wife have family she can go to, can you take some time off work to be with your children and tell her to leave?

I doubt she is being honest with you, cheats rarely are honest

Another vote for telling the wife. Just send her all the messages and most definitely tell HR. Very important to do that.

Your wife has behaved disgustingly and will try to minimise what she has done. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't be giving her a second chance but only you can decide what you want to do. Just take your time over it. Cheating is cheating, I assume she wouldn't be okay with you having the same feelings and levels of sexual contact with any other female so regardless of whether there was sex or not, she broke your marriage vows.

Sorry not to add much new. I'd be discussing my options with a lawyerr and letting her family know why.

If it turns out (or I am convinced) that they didn't sleep together, what would be the advice? In a lot of ways, it doesn't make a big difference as it's the cheating behaviour that hurts most but do people find it easier to get over, maybe eventually forgive, if it was just kissing & touching (even over a long period)?

OP, it seems as if you are leaning towards the cheating stopping short of DTD. Next steps would be:
Can you live with this/truley deal with this?
Next step is how wife deals with this going forward. You'd need to accept that she does hold all the power here. She'd have to commit to attending to your insecurities as and when they arise. Even when you don't make it obvious, she'd need to be incredibly mindful of her conduct to build trust again. She'd have to be willing to do this.
Next step for you would be to show some actual trust in her - her making it up to you / proving herself can't go on for ever.
Very few relationships can survive this without some outside help. Perhaps they survive but not harmoniously.
If you don't want to give up on this marriage, try to fix it in a smart way from the beginning and set up marriage counselling. Neither of you have dealt with this before and you have children in the mix while you work this out. You both need to be heard, perhaps not by each other initially and you both need advice on to go forward and deal with issues as they arise because this is just the beginning of it.

Cheating is cheating I'm afraid. It's not the physical act that is necessarily the problem but the fact that your partner has at some point chosen to leave the relationship psychologically. You see if there are no consequences then she will cheat again. She cheated during pregnancy which is pretty unimaginable to most people to be honest. So I would say her moral thresholds are extremely low at the best of times.

My husband cheated from the moment I got pregnant the first time. I never knew. But, he had been unfaithful in every relationship he had ever had, so really why did I imagine it would be different with me. Because we had "true" love! More fool me.

A lot of people do try again with their relationships, but they are never the same again. I spent another 6 years with one partner, but I never really got over the pain and betrayal. I wanted him to hurt too, and I wasn't really someone I liked after that. And a lot of people, months or years down the line, discover that they really cannot put it behind them and they have wasted years trying. A clean break has a lot to recommend it and doing it when the kids are really small is also highly recommended in my experience.

I take the point about 'actual' sex not being the main issue and I guess I'm still trying to work things out in my mind. However, if I knew for sure it happened that would be a deal breaker. Any thoughts on what my best chance of finding out would be. As I see it, I have 3 options...
1- ask my wife: I've already done this and she's adamant that they only kissed etc and she decided right at the start she wouldn't have sex with him. I know all about minimising however so I can't class that as the truth
2- when I inform the mans wife about the cheating, see if she will find out the truth when/if she confronts him
3- text the man telling him to tell me how many times they had sex (not whether they did or not) and threaten to tell his wife if he is not honest - I also have a lot of his photos etc.

On the last point, do you think I should tell him about the photos as leverage or keep that powder dry for now? As far as I know he only knows I have messages not photos!

Ps. I managed to eat breakfast this morning so a small improvement!

I'm sorry you are going through this op .

Excellent advice on here.

Take one day at a time, you don't have to rush into making any decisions.

I would second the advice of going to see the doctor and maybe getting some counselling for yourself- not as a couple.

Sometimes it's good just to be able to speak to a complete outsider. Remember thst no matter how well meaning, relatives and friends often have a subconscious agenda.for example your parents may encourage you to forgive and forget because deep down they are afraid that they won't see their grandchildren if you divorce.

Divorce is not the end of everything, in fact it can be the beginning of a new, happier life, although I understand at the time you won't see that.

I divorced my cheating husband and at the beginning believed my life was true,y over. Now I am much happier. In fact the only time I feel down is when he trys to contact me talking bollocks as usual.

I have no advice as to whether you tell the om wife.
No doubt we all do things in temper/anger and whatever you do people will understand.

Take care op.

I think option 3 is a good one.

I do think you are focusing on sex as a way to try and ease the pain but it's not really going to make any difference to your suffering. Your trust and respect have been compromised.

I do understand why you are focusing on it but I think in a few months you will realise how it wasn't that crucial.

Surely a one night stand would be less hurtful to you than this sordid affair that has carried on for so long.

Op I really don't think you are going to find out the truth.

They will both lie, you know they are both liars don't you. You wife has managed to deceive you for nearly 2 years, of course she can deceive you again.

I know you want to know but don't torture yourself over this. She has cheated already . Both her and the om have every reason to lie, they both have a partner at home whom I presume they both want to keep.

You can ask her of course but will you accept what she tells you?
If she says they did not have sex will everything go back to how it was? Likewise what if she tells you they have had sex?

Yed. They have both been in this and they will both minimise. The only true evidence is what you have seen.
Glad you are getting some appetite back OP.

Yes :)

Thanks again, it's great to have perspective from others. I still want to try to find out though... I think option 3 is the way forward although 2 is always a possibility

OP, if you are going to heal and feel better, the most important conversation has to be with your DW and not with the OM.

No matter what he or he says, you will always wonder if there was more, until (if) you get to the point where you can trust your DW again.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry She might mean it. If she does, I would recommend this book

Chapter 1 explains that it is important for her to answer your questions honestly.

However, if I knew for sure it happened that would be a deal breaker

Believe me I understand ... but I also know the danger is that, having convinced yourself there was no PIV, you may well find out at some point in the future that there was

The trouble then is that it's all too easy to rationalise it as "well, I've stayed so far and after all the PIV was in the past." Meanwhile the cheater goes right on cheating, free of all consequences and not really believing you'll ever do anything about it, but being a bit cleverer at keeping it secret in future

Please forgive me sounding bleak; I realise this probably isn't what you want to hear, but it's also important to be honest with you about what can very easily happen

Sorry - I should have added that another consequence of the turmoil is that the "did they/didn't they" can assume an importance it doesn't always deserve. What you'll really wish is for the whole thing never to have happened, but since it has, it's tempting to seek out "certainties" which aren't really there in an attempt to halt the chaos

In the end the only thing that really matters is whether you feel able to go on with someone capable of this

Hi puzzled. Thanks for your words. There's no chance that I'd think 'if stayed this far' - real evidence of sex would be the end

OP - Do you think you may be using the PIV as the safety net to keep your relationship going? It almost seems like you believe that there was no PIV and so you have made that your "deal breaker".

You can try your plan 3, but will the answer really satisfy you?? Is PIV really the "deal breaker". If the OM replies "we had no PIV, but lots of oral" (for example) would you be OK with that? (sorry to be blunt). Frankly (as others have said) she carried on with another bloke for over a year. To some degree the sex aspect (how, when, where) is irrelevant.

That said, as have I posted earlier; relationships develop and have a natural build-up of energy or they fail. Do you really believe "she decided right at the start she wouldn't have sex with him" and yet they carried on for over a year txting and meeting. Do you really believe the other bloke invested so much energy for so long with no reciprocation?

As a PP said - you need to look at your focus on sex as a decider. A 1-night stand with lots of PIV and a long, initimate emotionally-connected affair are both cheating.

And there are lots of other variations along the way. I'm going to be blunt here and I'm sorry. I know it's painful.
Where is your line in the sand if you're saying 'real evidence of sex would be the end'? Is 'sex' touching above the waist? Hands in pants? Mutual masturbation? Fingering? Where's the line?

What I'm trying to say is that I think you're trying to fend off having to make the decision yourself by saying 'if' and 'evidence'. The woman has cheated on you. It hurts. Where the bloke's dick was at the time and whether or not you can have evidence of that shouldn't be the decider here. YOU should be the decider.

It's shit. It hurts like hell. It's also time to get your Big Boy pants on and stand up for yourself. Take control. Even if that means saying Ok - wherever the dick was, I'm going to see if we can make this marriage work/get a divorce/start working through stuff. You need to accept it. It's a bit like when a person is first bereaved and they can't get their head around it - that's you now with the 'evidence' thinking.

Once you have come to a position of accepting that your wife cheated on you - end of, you can start to move forward.

x-post with WildDays

OP

Only you can decide of you want to try to save your marriage. Please don't automatically think this had to be the end, and consider the future of your DC in all of this. If a marriage can be saved in general I think there should be a responsibility to try.

What your Wife has done is of course very wrong but from what you have said she has not been continuing the sexual type messages for some time. People do become tempted, make mistakes etc even when they are married, and they can be genuinely sorry and want to work on the marriage.

She is the one in the wrong her but there much have been a weakness in the marriage to give this man an opportunity to make his move.

Op when did the text messages stop?

Was the affair finished or was it still ongoing in what I'm asking.

I think this is vital when deciding if there is hope for your marriage.