Wife's cheating - please help

[DadNeedsAdvice]

Hi,

I'd a dad, married for 5 years and have 2 great kids - a boy aged 3 and a girl of 7 months. I've discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and it feels like my world has fallen apart. I'm looking for some advice and perspective from you if you think you can help me.

Two days ago, I found 100's of phone messages between her and her boss dating back 18 months to Feb 2014. She no longer works there as she is on maternity leave but was intending to go back next month. The messages start off quite friendly and then quickly become sexual in nature - while it's clear that her boss initiated the sexual side of things, my wife went along with it and they sent eachother some pretty graphic text messages - I'm sure you can guess at the content. The boss also sent her a number of sexual pictures and videos, although I didn't find any evidence of her doing the same.

I confronted my wife who initially denied anything was going on but when I said I had all the evidence, she said that they had only kissed a few times and that clothes were kept on at all times - she says they never had sex. However, I do know that they had been on a couple of business trips together and had been in the same hotel .. again, my wife said they only kissed & touched and is pretty insistant about that. In some ways, I do believe her as in some of the messages, she says that she would go further if she wasn't married and that "don't you just wish that there were no consequences sometimes and that people can do what they want and no-one else would get hurt?". One of the messages from her (ex) boss refers to a time they were on a business trip and in a hotel room "kissing passionately and holding eachother very closely".

What really hurts is that much of this was taking place when my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child - she would have been around 5 months pregnant when they were in the same hotel room. On top of that, they had been messaging eachother when my wife & I had been away on holiday, on our recent anniversary and so on. I have to say, that although this all started at around the time my wife fell pregnant, I've no doubt that I'm the father as my daughter looks very like me.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me but I hope you can understand how hard it is for me to forgive. I love my kids more than anything and feel sick at the thought of the family falling apart but at the same time, my wife's cheating (whether there was sex or not) hurts me so badly and I don't know what to do.

When I confronted her, I told her to phone her boss (in front of me) and tell him that she wouldn't be going back as I had found their messages and that he shouldn't contact her again. He didn't really say much, just "yes" and "ok" but that would have been (and here's a crucial point) that he is currently away with HIS wife on holiday, so he couldn't talk alot anyway.

I really don't know what to do and my mind is in turmoil. On one hand, I don't want to lose my family, but on the other, the thought of my wife (as a minimum kissing & touching) another man is playing over in my mind - it has only been 2 days so is still pretty raw but I don't know if it will ever get better to the point I can forgive & trust her. Over the past couple of months, their messages were less sexual in nature, although he was hinting that he's like to keep it going - her responses were more friendly in nature.

The other thing is that I have lots of evidence - messages and explicit pictures (of him only) and am considering telling his wife. Would this be the right thing to do? Of course it would hurt his wife but I think she shoud know. I admit, that there's an element of revenge in my mind as well. How should he be able to do this and just get away with it and be able to do this again?

Just writing this has helped me, but if you have any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

I would actually find kissing and touching more intimate than actual sex. I'm not sure how one is potentially forgiveable when the other is a deal breaker.

textfan - While I agree people in a happy marriage don't cheat, - people cheat in happy, sad and everything in between marriages.

Mygarden- the texts continued right up until I discovered them BUT there was nothing sexual in my wife's messages for a few months or longer (there's a gap for which I don't have anything). My wife's messages were more just friendly in nature. Then man's however, continued to reference what had happened before and were asking if that might happen again ... My wife didn't really respond to those questions. As far as I can tell for now, the last physical contact was last year although obviously I can't be certain. My wife admits she was stupid, selfish etc and is remorseful saying she wants her family back and will do anything to help me trust her, including telling her family what she has done. Wish things were more black & white but I suppose these things rarely are....

Yup. That's the cheater's script still.
Sadly, until she stops minimising and tells you the truth about what happened, you can't even put a first step on the path towards regaining any trust.

DNA I split up with my partner over two years ago because he cheated and he still insists there was no PIV, even though I have spoken to one of the women he cheated on me with and she says there was.
My ex has no reason to lie to me I wouldn't take him back if he came with free diamonds but this lying toe-rag still continues to lie.
Ask yourself this if your wife can kiss and touch another man while the life you and her created is growing inside her. How much respect do you think she has for you and do you really think lying is beneath her.
I'm sorry but I've a zero tolerance for bullshit and I were you she would have to "kick rocks"

We use our grey matter to determine black, white, and all the varied hues in between

If the issue of whether your wife engaged in sexual intercourse wth her boss of vital importance to you, I would suggest you forget texting or communicating by any means which does not allow you to see his reaction to your words.

To this end, I suggest you call on him at his place of work or wait for him to leave the building and say that, after many tears of denial, your wife has told you she had sex with him on two occasions when they were staying in a hotel on business and you are seeking his confirmation that this is the truth of the matter, or whether there were other occasions on which they committed adultery.

The element of surprise coupled with the bluff should enable you to determine whether his response to your questions is truthful but, of course, you cannot discount the possibility that he and your wife have been touch since your discovery and have concocted a story which they will both stick to come hell or high water.

However, if you get the feeling this may be the case, you can play the ace up your sleeve which is the incriminating evidence you will put before his wife unless he tells you plain unvarnished truth about his liaisons with your wife.

If it transpires that he readily admits to 2 occasions, tell him you've got him by the short & curlies because your wife has told you there were many more than that and watch his reaction.

Regardless of whether or not you obtain confirmation of your wife's adultery, your final words to him should be that you intend to divorce her for adultery and as you will be naming him as co-respondent the pix of himself he sent to her will form part of the evidence which will be appended to your petition.

It should be noted that the above requires you to speak in a cool, calm, and collected manner - no raised voices and definitely no fisticuffs! Act as if you are completely detached from their despicable actions and are merely engaged in an academic exercise to tie up loose ends.

So whatever was happening they were still conducting something.

It is all very vague. I'm trying to imagine an innocent party still texting a married man.

Could it just be as work colleagues?
Was work mentioned?

Of course you only know what you have seen, you have no idea if they continued to meet in person. You also won't know what they have said to each other.
Is there anyway you can get hold of her call log? Perhaps ring the phone company.

Is she on face book, can you see who she is friends with?

I think if there is more to this than your wife is telling you, she will have warned the om by now.

Stay at the hotel, see your children and keep things as normal as possible.

Do not go back to your wife as yet, no matter how much she begs.
confide in a rl friend too, not a relative if possible, let them know everything.

Oh and as for confessing if your wife isn't honest then there is no hope that your marriage will ever be happy.

My best friends ex maintained innocence right upto the point where he was outside court.
Upon having a bible placed in his hands and having to swear an oath on it he suddenly regained the memory of shagging around behind his wife's back.

I don't think cheating is caused by an unhappy marriage , depression , or anything else. Otherwise everyone would be doing it. Cheating happens because there is something wrong with the cheater. I really do understand your need to know whether full sex occurred, but it's unlikely you'll ever get the truth. Even if om admits it your wife will say he's lying. My experience is the same as awadebumbos. They will lie and lie even when there's no point anymore.

I also think focusing on this is normal and that most people do it. People can only cope with so much pain at any one time. Placing your attention on the piv issue means you don't have to look at the bigger picture for now.

Sorry to be crude
What's the difference between his cock in her mouth & in her vagina.
Horny adults in a hotel room don't just cuddle.

Stop making excuses for her.

Focus on you and your children and your relationship, the wife will find out they always do. Not your concern. Stay or go whatever feels right and gives you a chance to decide if it's a marriage breaker or not. Won't speculate on what is actual situation as I have no way of knowing but she has checked out of your marriage. If can ever trust her again try if not end it before you hate each other.

Sorry that you're all going through this OP.

I wouldn't be hasty at all in your position.

I wouldn't tell his wife as you don't have all the facts and it sounds like revenge.

You need to go to cousin selling to see if you and your DW can work through this or split.

I'm not apologising for her, but during my pregnancies my libido went through the the roof, so that may be a factor in her behaviour, and something to think about.

I wouldn't disbelieve her regarding not having PIV sex either- it's not that comfortable for pregnant women!

You need to take time for yourself, and not be hasty, vengeful or act out of anger. It helps no one and just burns bridges.

The relationship between this man and his wife for example, is absolutely none of your business, and I suggest you don't contact his wife for vengence or out of 'moral outrage'.
You have no real proof of anything except a flirtation, and some pictures sent via text.

Concentrate on your own feelings and make decisions that affect your own family- leave this other family out of it- you don't know what happened, and you do t know their set up.

Counselling, not cousin selling, sorry autocorrect.

Also you don't know their set up is my last line.

Ffs. So what if she had a high libido ?

I wouldn't tell his wife. What would you gain from hurting her?
I would definitely confront him though.

What would you gain from hurting her?

It's not the OP hurting her. The unfaithful husband has created the hurt and she's bound to find out sooner rather than later.

Let me ask you the question, dementedma. If your DH was being unfaithful, would you rather not know and carry on in ignorance?

Can I ask, what made you look at her phone?

A gut feeling something was / may have been going on?

I'm afraid if it were me in your shoes, it would be the end of the road. Being unfaithful is one thing and a deal breaker, being unfaithful whilst pregnant with your husbands child is something else.

And yes, there was more than kissing / touching going on. No man would carry on for two years without getting some form of sexual satisfaction.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I had the same done to me (though thankfully no children involved in it all).

And well done for taking a few days away to think and get some space. It's a wise and very valuable thing to do and be away from the situation.

Granville, I saw a message come though briefly and just Noticed it ended with a lot of xxxx's. I thought that's odd so set about seeing what I could find. I did have only a tiny suspicion but didn't think much of it at the time

DAD, it's still very early days & you're still in shock.
I think that your wife's behaviour is absolutely despicable; not just in her behaviour towards you, but also her total lack of regard for her unborn baby.
Keep all the text messages & photos somewhere very safe, away from the family home; you might need the evidence later. Get copies of any joint investments or monies that your wife might have hidden away. Make sure that you know where your children's passports are, if they have them.
Just have the ammunition ready to protect yourself and your children, should you need it.
You don't have to make any decisions now, give yourself time to come to terms with things. Get some counselling, see a solicitor.
Get all your ducks in a row, ready. If you decide that you need them, then you're ready, of not, well, they are useful to put together & will allow you to calmly have the evidence & decide your own future.
Best wishes

DAD, sorry to double-post, but I've just been discussing this with my DH.
(My DH is a wonderful, loyal, loving man. His love for me has never wavered & he's stuck with me through miscarriage, 2 healthy pregnancies, babies, toddlers & now gobby teenagers, breast cancer, mastectomy, being wheelchair-bound for 3 years & putting on loads of weight.I'm all better now!)
Anyway, we were discussing your situation because I can't get my head round how a pregnant woman could get intimate with another man, even if she's been seeing him before the pregnancy. Also, how could a bloke, continue an intimate relationship with a woman who was pregnant? It's just so despicable.
DH' s response,"Because the other bloke thinks the baby is his."
I think that your wife is a lying , that you should apply for custody of the children she clearly doesn't put their needs first & LTB.
Not what you're thinking & I don't write it lightly, but going forward, you & your kids deserve better.

That would make sense op. Do you think she thought there was a chance the baby was his?

Obviously now you say you are certain it's yours because of looks.

I agree horney adults don't just fall asleep in a hotel room

Thanks Frances for your words - the messages I found (which quite clearly show the timeline of the relationship) show that sex, if it did happenn, would not have been before conception

Dad - Sorry to say this (and it's a shame because you didn't create this situation and you clearly want it to go away) but you need to wake up.

The texts are merely messages between two people having an affair. You yourself stated that your DW doesn't reciprocate on many. they are NOT a factual diary of events. Hence your logic that the sex was prior to conception (based on the txt timeline) is misguided (at best).
Whether you forgive your DW or not, you need to have paternity and STD checks done immediately.