Wife's cheating - please help

[DadNeedsAdvice]

Hi,

I'd a dad, married for 5 years and have 2 great kids - a boy aged 3 and a girl of 7 months. I've discovered that my wife has been cheating on me and it feels like my world has fallen apart. I'm looking for some advice and perspective from you if you think you can help me.

Two days ago, I found 100's of phone messages between her and her boss dating back 18 months to Feb 2014. She no longer works there as she is on maternity leave but was intending to go back next month. The messages start off quite friendly and then quickly become sexual in nature - while it's clear that her boss initiated the sexual side of things, my wife went along with it and they sent eachother some pretty graphic text messages - I'm sure you can guess at the content. The boss also sent her a number of sexual pictures and videos, although I didn't find any evidence of her doing the same.

I confronted my wife who initially denied anything was going on but when I said I had all the evidence, she said that they had only kissed a few times and that clothes were kept on at all times - she says they never had sex. However, I do know that they had been on a couple of business trips together and had been in the same hotel .. again, my wife said they only kissed & touched and is pretty insistant about that. In some ways, I do believe her as in some of the messages, she says that she would go further if she wasn't married and that "don't you just wish that there were no consequences sometimes and that people can do what they want and no-one else would get hurt?". One of the messages from her (ex) boss refers to a time they were on a business trip and in a hotel room "kissing passionately and holding eachother very closely".

What really hurts is that much of this was taking place when my wife was pregnant with our 2nd child - she would have been around 5 months pregnant when they were in the same hotel room. On top of that, they had been messaging eachother when my wife & I had been away on holiday, on our recent anniversary and so on. I have to say, that although this all started at around the time my wife fell pregnant, I've no doubt that I'm the father as my daughter looks very like me.

My wife has been crying alot since this all came out and repeatedly says she's sorry and that it meant nothing and that she loves me but I hope you can understand how hard it is for me to forgive. I love my kids more than anything and feel sick at the thought of the family falling apart but at the same time, my wife's cheating (whether there was sex or not) hurts me so badly and I don't know what to do.

When I confronted her, I told her to phone her boss (in front of me) and tell him that she wouldn't be going back as I had found their messages and that he shouldn't contact her again. He didn't really say much, just "yes" and "ok" but that would have been (and here's a crucial point) that he is currently away with HIS wife on holiday, so he couldn't talk alot anyway.

I really don't know what to do and my mind is in turmoil. On one hand, I don't want to lose my family, but on the other, the thought of my wife (as a minimum kissing & touching) another man is playing over in my mind - it has only been 2 days so is still pretty raw but I don't know if it will ever get better to the point I can forgive & trust her. Over the past couple of months, their messages were less sexual in nature, although he was hinting that he's like to keep it going - her responses were more friendly in nature.

The other thing is that I have lots of evidence - messages and explicit pictures (of him only) and am considering telling his wife. Would this be the right thing to do? Of course it would hurt his wife but I think she shoud know. I admit, that there's an element of revenge in my mind as well. How should he be able to do this and just get away with it and be able to do this again?

Just writing this has helped me, but if you have any advice to offer, I'd appreciate it.

Thanks

I'm not saying you should tell OM's wife now. You are still in shock and grief, trying to make sense of it all. But I was the boss's wife and OW's husband told me. He rang my STBXH's phone, his wife was going to end the relationship and employment.

But he got me, STBXH was elsewhere in the house. He blurted it out. He'd found out the evening before and spent the whole night begging his wife not to walk out on her family and their 3 children.

I vividly remember the shock and pain, but I'm so very glad he told me. I was the last to know, such a cliche. Why didn't anyone else say anything over all those months? I understand his other employees could hardly say anything, but his family members?

Anyway, OW did me a great favour and so did her husband. STBXH and OW were running circles round me, I suspected something, but not her. Shagging in her car while I was safely otherwise engaged, sitting at the cot side of our GC who was in ICU. Bastards.

Sorry, bit of anger crept in there. But I really don't agree with those who say "Don't tell the wife, it's not your business". It's her business and who else will tell.

My life's great now, I'm the happiest I've ever been. 2 years post discovery.
STBXH lives alone and constantly contacts me with his misery and regrets. Too bad. OW? Lost her home, family, marriage and eventually, job. And STBXH. Shame, they deserved each other.

You'll get there, you really will.

Rozalia.

I found out years and years after the fact. After already divorcing, and nearly two decades of happy remarriage.

If someone had told me, I could have left on my terms, not been abandoned.

I could have been proactive, and made decisions suitable to my expectation of becoming a single parent by choice.

I would have avoided a period of gaslighting that played with my head for years after, clouding decisions about employment and education.

I would have made better informed decisions regarding access to my DD, possibly preventing older DD from going through a period of self-harm and figuring out how to be a 14 year old drunk in a home that offered little access to alcohol.

As adults, my DD would also have been able to avoid, or at least expect, the mess of his cheating on their stepmother, a situation which eventually resulted in NC with him.

Someone said above that you dont know their set up as if you need to be concerned about that. Inform her, and if their "set up" is that she knows he fucks his employees and chooses to look the other way, she can carry on doing so. But if their set up is more normal, she will want to know.

Mumsnet should laminate your post Momagain1 and roll it out, in full, every time anyone advices "not to tell".

^yes^ the gaslighting, screws up your thinking and trust in your own perceptions. Yes to being able to be proactive and better informed. Yes to reducing harm to children.

Good post momagain.

I agree entirely with what you have posted.

There must be a vast difference in going through a chosen separation rather than the shit that happened to me.

I was the last to know too. I don't blame anyone for not telling me, who the hell wants to be the bearer of bad news.

If my ex had been honest it would have saved me a lot of heartache.
Instead the deceit and lies were devastating.

I have absolutely nothing to say to him now and refuse point blanc for him to have access to my number.

If the children were older then I would move much further away and not disclose my whereabouts to him. As it is they have suffered enough heartache without the pain of loosing all their friends too.

Please bare in mind that divorce will be kinder to very young children. However painful it seems.

Hope you've been able to get your head a little straighter today.

I'm so sorry to hear this. We're all here for you.

Hello Dad,
You have had lots of advise and I have nothing to add.
I just wanted to add something into this complex mix.
A male Manager (boss) having an intimate relationship with a female employee is a very serious matter. Potentially very explosive. You have in your hands evidence of this relationship and in addition (on the surface) the manager continuing to chase the employee.

There is a fourth way possibly.

If you are really determined to find about the sex.

I'd go into the house (once you know he is definitely back his holiday) and say so I've been to see (other man) and we had a very good chat and he has admitted the truth that you did have sex. I gave you the chance to tell the truth and if you had from the beginning maybe we could of moved on but you lied and have ruined everything. She may just confess if it's true. If its not then the chances are you'll be able to tell as she'll vehemently deny it and be horrified and I'm sure you'll be able to tell whether she's being truthful.

www.chumplady.com - in case those who have pm'd you haven't linked it already.

Im really sorry this has happened to you OP. It happened to me - my XH's affair started while we were engaged and carried on for several
years of marriage until I found out. Wish someone had told me earlier it would have saved me a lot of pain, humiliation, trouble and money. Please tell the wife, as soon as you feel able. If you stay with your wife, tell her you want a post nup, stating that you get equal custody of the children if she plays away from home ever again. Better still LTB and get a SHL.

They definitely had sex. As pp have said, grown adults don't chastely hug and kiss in hotel rooms with people who send them dirty text messages. Not that it matters really the betrayal is the same.

Well I made more revelations last night and without going into details, I'm certain they didn't have sex ... well not full/penetrative sex anyway as there are a number of messages saying that he'd like to but my wife saying she couldn't. Also some recent-ish ones from him saying that maybe one day they would.

You're right, cheating is still cheating and it hurts just the same.

Things do seem to have cooled between them (mutual 'sex' texts ran from Feb 14 to about Sept 14) although the man was trying to start that up again after then but my wife didn't enter into it.

I still don't to know what to do and it still hurts more than I thought it would. I've been through the full range of emotions many times.

I'm thinking about informing the other wife this week. My wife says she'll tell her family if I want her to and I know this would be extremely difficult for her to do- she has 4 sisters and I know they'd all be disgusted.
I don't know if this is normal for someone in my position or not but I feel ashamed. If I need to tell my friends and family it will devastate them.

Have you managed to get away for a few days / a week for some space? It's quite important you do this, get some time to yourself away from the source of the problem - ie your wife.

It will be very difficult to get clear thoughts if you're still under the same roof and seeing / speaking to her.

There are quite a few of us on here that have been in the same boat as you, so we understand what is going through your head and all the emotions.

Granville - I went away for a few days and am home now, not that its easy but I want to be with my kids. My wife want to go to marriage counselling, renew vows and so on but I'm not ready to make a decision either way yet - I think I need more time to process all of this.

I still don't to know what to do

Whether you want to separate or stay, you need time and space to think and she needs to realise what she has risked losing. Can she go to stay with one of her sisters? She needs to stop crying because she got caught and start realising that actually you and the children are the injured parties here.

The shame is hers, not yours, but it is a very common and natural reaction to feel it regardless.

Feeling ashamed is normal. It's worth remembering that even if there were things wrong with your marriage and even if those things were your fault, it was her responsibility to say she was unhappy instead of carrying on as normal and seeing someone else. The shame belongs to her because she didn't behave in a decent and responsible adult way when faced with difficulties.

Renew vows? I hope you pointed out that yours are doing fine, thank you very much, and hers are broken, so what's to renew?

Don't let her bamboozle you in to anything.

She can want things all she likes, but actually she lost a say in what she wants from you in this relationship when she wrapped her lips around that man's penis.

Have you read up on "hysterical bonding"?

And don't be in a rush to either tell people what she's done or to forgive her.
If you decide to try to build a new marriage with her (the old one is gone for good after cheating) then other people who love you might find it very difficult to forgive her. If you ever reach a time when you've worked through it all, that might bring unwanted reminders.
Forgiveness is waaaay off yet if it's ever possible. And the stuff about renewing vows just indicates that she doesn't yet grasp the full impact of what she's done. She really doesn't get it.

Obviously tell someone who cansupport you though. But that iisn't always family.

Well perhaps she realised - very belatedly - that PIV with another man, whilst carrying her husband's child, was one of the most vile and risky things she could do. Maybe that's what she meant by saying she couldn't, and him saying maybe one day, whilst continuing to do all the many other things which would still constitute a huge betrayal of your marriage.

You deserve better DNA...and so do your children.

And don't be in a rush to either tell people what she's done or to forgive her. If you decide to try to build a new marriage with her (the old one is gone for good after cheating) then other people who love you might find it very difficult to forgive her.

I wouldn't advise broadcasting it to the world, but the problem with keeping it a secret from close family is that it can make the innocent party very isolated. And people will be perplexed at their behaviour (at best) and say tactless comments or take the other person's side at worst because they don't know what's really going on in the relationship. Very isolating.

Maybe that's what she meant by saying she couldn't, and him saying maybe one day, whilst continuing to do all the many other things which would still constitute a huge betrayal of your marriage.

Yes. I don't see how great it was that she stopped the sexting whilst he continued. Why the hell was she still in contact with him? Why did she still want him in her life, risking her marriage yet further because she couldn't live without the frisson?

I think it's possible to explain to close family that there are difficulties between you and you are working on them without having to say what they are but that depends on the family I suppose, and whether they will respect the couple's privacy. I think confiding in a close friend is better as they aren't as invested in the couple as a couple iyswim. I suppose each situation is different.

I'm horrified at the suggestion of renewing vows. She couldn't commit to the original ones. This is about her trying to secure MORE commitment from you. Her ego is astounding.