My son has just called me a cunt

[Teenagepisstaker]

18 year old son, had a new girlfriend stay here a week running, last night I said it was time she went home to her own house.

I came home from work today (stressful job) and the place was a mess, cooking stuff, bedding on the sofa, dirty glasses and cups everywhere, and they were taking a shower together. I was very angry and told them that she had to go home, that they were disrespecting my home and that they wouldn't be behaving like that around her house. Got called a psycho cunt by my son, I then chucked them out. He has just come home and said he doesn't see the problem, I was being a cunt. I have told him to move out, he has said no. He has not been bought up to swear like that, I think it's disgusting.

I feel bad, but I wish I hadn't had him. He has been nothing but trouble since 12 and I can't remember the joy of parenting. He relentlessly broke my last relationship up until i moved out with just him, I am just starting to realise how manipulative he is. He doesn't pay anything to live here, had an evening NMW job.

Sorry big back story but no energy to go through it all, heartbroken and so upset. I feel like I am being abused by my own son.

Don't play to his tactics.
Stop worrying about him and start thinking about you. If you had a functional DS who had taken the educational and training chances he was given, this would be the time when you'd be looking at the next chapter in your adult life - the bit where you once again get to live for yourself and on your own terms as the parent of a fully-fledged, independent child.
Make your choices for you and then go about fulfilling them. Kick this deadweight to the curb. What he does next or doesn't is really not your problem anymore.
When DCs have done the last bit of growing up, independently and away from their parents then the best thing to come back is a close friendship between people who like and respect one another as adults.

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do, I could lock the door tonight from inside so he has to wake me to get in, but this could be early hours and I have work tomorrow - he is not going to mess that up for me too.

I am planning to play it by ear, but I am still vvvvv angry, so if he thinks it will blow over he is very much mistaken.

Teenage.

Just remember...
You do not deserve to be treated like that.
You do not have to put up with bullying behaviour, whomever it comes from.
You deserve a life free from nastiness, intimidation and abuse.
You will be doing him a favour in the long run if youmteach him now that he won't get far in life treating people as he's treated you. You may well save another woman from your fate in the future, if you show him now how unacceptable his behaviour is.

There's no point in losing any more sleep over him but I would suggest you resist any temptation to go down the road of telling him that if he 'does anything like it again etc' you'll throw him out.

When you do catch up with him, you're best advised to calmly tell him that when he called you a psychocunt he caused you to realise that you can no longer tolerate his abusive behaviour and if he isn't gone from your home within the next 48 hours you will ask the police to remove him.

Give him the address of the CAB, your local council housing office, nearest YMCA (or Centrepoint if you're in London), and any other local services for young people which may provide housing, and KEEP TO YOUR WORD.

It won't be easy for you but it is THE ONLY WAY you might get to see a son you can be proud of at some point in the future.

How would he wake you?
Leave a note on the door saying he must not disturb you. Go to bed with phones on silent and cotton wool in your ears.
Up to you whether you lock the door.
You could lock it, leave a change of pants and his toothbrush on the doorstep. He missed curfew. Surely you told him

Coming from a Man, he needs to get a huge slap in the face and be forcebly moved out. Then it is up to him to find out how tough life really is, even if you feel bad about it!
Calling your own Mother that is wrong and should be dealt with in the most serious way! If necessary, get the Police involved, for more advice.

Could you lock your front door from inside (and bolt it etc) and go out of the back door, taking the back door key with you? I would try that tomorrow to put a stop to this sneaking in when you're not there.

Tendon he isn't sneaking in, it is where he lives. He would probably just break a window to get in and then that is even more grief for TPT.

OP while disengaging sounds a very good idea, will you be able to relax while he is still in the house? He sounds like he could explode at you at any time. It is time for him to move on and find a place of his own. I would give him notice that he must be gone within 3 months. Independence could well be the making of him.

You sound so tired and have been through so much, I hope all this is resolved soon.

Not to put too finer point on it, 3 more months of this may see you in your grave.

48 hours is more than enough for him to get his belongings together and ship out to the YMCA or similar hostel if his gf can't accomodate him.

OP, your son sounds like my brother. My poor mother is still being treated the same by my brother and there is nothing any of us can do as she won't deal with him or throw him out. He is 30 and has always been like this. How would you feel if this carries on for another 10, 20 years. You don't need to be treated like this not now not ever.

We live in an apartment so no back door, and he would just bang the door / ring the buzzer till I answered. He is in his bed (just checked), no girlfriend, I could wake him but the last thing I want before work is a scene - it can wait until the weekend.

You sound scared of him.
He causes conflict and then avoids the fallout.
Your DS is manipulating you.
Decide what you want and then take steps to implement it. But be realistic.
A pattern of worsening behaviour over six years is not going to change over a period of weeks.
Your DS needs to take responsibility fur his actions. The only thing you can do to help him become a decent person is to show him how unacceptable is to give him the freedom he is craving to do whatever he wants in his own place, on his own two feet.
And that will also give you freedom.

Maybe a way of doing it is having a 'it's time you moved out' chat without discussing the specifics of what he did. More that it is time he learnt how to be independent, pay his way in life and that he could spend more time with his gf etc. That way you can help him move out (don't be a guarantor initially tho - get him to house share)

But if he is resistant, then you can say 'your behaviour has been totally unreasonable and you must move out, because you are calling me names, not paying rent and demanding I cook especially for you. That is not going to happen anymore.'

If he keeps avoiding you would you consider sending him an email/private fb message like we did? I know it's impersonal but we tried a face to face talk and she stormed out after about 10 seconds (pretty normal for her at the time). She didn't once acknowledge the message either but it was the turning point. It also has the advantage that she can re-read it if necessary so it sinks in properly and we have a point of reference if necessary.

I'm glad to read that you're not going to let it blow over, I know how easy it is to do that when the consequences to you of ringing changes are possibly explosive. I can't tell you how many times I let things go because I was scared of her reaction (threats, damage, hurting herself) but I do think that was part of the problem for us and that she played on our fear and used it to manipulate us. She needed to know that we were serious, she had a couple of friends living in young people hostels so she had a good idea of the reality of that situation, in fact one of them was with her when she read the message which was partly engineered by us. This friend is a lovely girl who has been handed a very difficult lot in life who we knew would be straight talking with dd about how good she had it if only she would behave in a civilised way.

Anyway I don't want to go on too much about my experience because what happened for us won't necessary work for you but there does seem to be a consensus across this thread that forcing his hand is the way to go and you have taken that on board

Please let us know how you get on so that we can support you if things get tricky.

I am not scared of him, but I don't want to start my day stressed out, as my job is stressful anyway, likewise if I wait up for him I don't want to be tired all day. I am off tomorrow so have decided to wait until then so if I do feel upset I don't have to then go to work and be expected to support others.

I could send an FB message, I could see then if he had read it.

Tbh I would advise against putting anything in writing as he could then use it against you in the future.
You may not think you are scared of hi, but you've posted here for advice and haven't done anything about the situation. Please, I'm not criticising you at all but it does come across as being scared to act, being scared of his reaction. Which is totally understandable. He's still your don and you still love him even if you hate what he is doing to you.
But at the moment he thinks he's got away with it, that he can do and say whTever he wants.
Best of luck in dealing with him

I really am not putting things off as I am scared of him, this will be discussed as it was unacceptable.
When I get home from work, he has left half an hour before for his work. He hasn't had a day off since Tuesday. He can finish up until 2am, getting back around 2.30/3.00am so I am asleep when he gets back. If I wake him at 7am it's not going to be productive as he will likely be tired and will either just agree with everything so he can go back to sleep, or react angrily. I have to leave for work by 8am so I would get to work feeling like crap, I would rather wait until I have time to sort it out properly. My job is the type that I have appointments booked weeks in advance, if I went off suddenly for the day it would let people down and put my colleagues under huge pressure. I am not going to let his behaviour impact on others, so am biding my time, not putting things off.

I am grateful for the advice, as I would actually feel embarrassed telling my RL friends what he has called me, and fearful of telling my family and upsetting my elderly parents - my dad has never sworn in front of me, so he would find this really hard to deal with. I also grateful for the voices of reason, ie the majority feel this is unacceptable and haven't said its my fault / I shouldn't chuck him out / normal teen / misunderstood etc as sometimes inside a turbulent situation you just can't think straight.

I think some of his behaviour is a bit normal teen in the sense that some teenagers forget that the entire universe doesn't revolve around them and think that their parents don't have feelings. But they should be starting to figure that shit out by 18. My brothers were a bit like this in their late teens, my mum said "my rules or get out", they moved out.

That doesn't mean that his behaviour should be accepted though, he shouldn't ever call you names or disrespect your house and he should be contributing.

I think your idea of messaging him is a good one, but just to say that you need to talk over the weekend to set some ground rules.

If he's not willing to accept those rules, he can find somewhere that has a set of rules he's happier with but it won't be in your home any more.

Good luck.

I can see why you're putting it off until tomorrow, OP - that all makes perfect sense. It also gives you time to formulate your strategy, and him time to stew in his own juices a bit, assuming he realises that he has gone beyond the pale this time.

Calm. Firm. Don't back down. Get him out.

You don't have to repeat what he said to your parents, just tell them he called you something totally unforgiveable. They'll ask if they want to know what (and probably won't).

He sounds a disgrace to be honest. I know that's out of order for me to say. He is your son. You can call him you won't take kindly to me agreeing with you, but that's the truth he is a disgrace, and calling his mum s cunt. and his girl friend is not too far behind him in the disrespectful side of things. She has made the mess as well.
I get you him unconditionally but he needs s taste of the real world, if he is brave enough to call you a cunt show him how much of a Cunt you can be. Tell him firmly his girlfriend is not to stay until they show you the respect you deserve. As a pp said stop treating him like s child. .

He has no right to call you anything. You are putting a roof over his head and food in his stomach. He's legally an adult and if he thinks that it's ok to call women "cunts" and leave the house like a pigsty then he needs to be shown that it's not ok. Stop providing any money to him. Make sure he can't access your purse or your bank card. And tell him damn straight that behaving like that is not going to be tolerated.

Shining through is your resentment at him being the alleged cause of previous relationship bust up. Is that genuinely the case or are you scape goating him? I understand your anger but ateotd cunt is but a word. Don't throw him out over this without trying to have constructive dialogue first as you'll regret it and would be an admission of defeat on your part.

Don't throw him out over this without trying to have constructive dialogue first as you'll regret it and would be an admission of defeat on your part.

What bollocks! It wouldn't be an admission of defeat, it would be the OP taking control back and refusing to be abused in her own home by a lazy, manipulative, entitled young man.

They can repair the relationship (on her terms) after he has moved out and had a dose of reality. It's the only way I can see that will bring him to his senses and realise that his mother is not a cash machine, housekeeper and verbal punch bag.

This is an ongoing issue, not a one off so I wouldn't be opening 'constructive dialogue' other than to say, how's the house hunting going? I meant what I said and you're clearly not prepared to respect me and my home you can behave how you want in your own home.'

The son knows he's crossed a line because he's avoiding the OP, rather than apologising.

Putting this off until tomorrow is not only the best thing for her re her work but also gives him a chance to open dialogue and apologise. Then they might have a chance but if he can't see that's his behaviour is unacceptable then bye bye.

Op sounds like you can't wait to be rid and you've waited til he's 18 to feel less guilty about it. You admit you wish you'd never had him and you think he's not aware of that? I assume he knows his dad assaulted you when carrying him. He's heaving around a toxic burden of guilt and rejection right there only exacerbated by you holding him entirely responsible for the end of your last relationship. Maybe he'd be better off living away from you too.