My son has just called me a cunt

[Teenagepisstaker]

18 year old son, had a new girlfriend stay here a week running, last night I said it was time she went home to her own house.

I came home from work today (stressful job) and the place was a mess, cooking stuff, bedding on the sofa, dirty glasses and cups everywhere, and they were taking a shower together. I was very angry and told them that she had to go home, that they were disrespecting my home and that they wouldn't be behaving like that around her house. Got called a psycho cunt by my son, I then chucked them out. He has just come home and said he doesn't see the problem, I was being a cunt. I have told him to move out, he has said no. He has not been bought up to swear like that, I think it's disgusting.

I feel bad, but I wish I hadn't had him. He has been nothing but trouble since 12 and I can't remember the joy of parenting. He relentlessly broke my last relationship up until i moved out with just him, I am just starting to realise how manipulative he is. He doesn't pay anything to live here, had an evening NMW job.

Sorry big back story but no energy to go through it all, heartbroken and so upset. I feel like I am being abused by my own son.

Did you stop breastfeeding him at 12? Is that what changed? . Bitty indeed

OP, this is so sad.

There's really only one thing to say, though. If you love him, if you EVER want him to stand a chance of turning his life around - then it really is tough love time.

REALLY tough love. Not 'rules - not too many...'. No. Throw him out. Now.

He is only young, and already he has become a nasty, abusive piece of work. So far, he's seen not a single real consequence for all the real, huge, horrible damage he's done, to you especially - lying to SS, destroying your relationship, treating you like a piece of shit.

The way you've reacted to all this has taught him only that he can act like this and it will be tolerated. Pity his girlfriend - if they stay together, he'll abuse her too. Does he take after his dad? Who knows what causes it. But the only thing that MIGHT cure it is him realising, NOW, that if he goes on like this he will lose out. Because he should lose out.

Even if it doesn't help him, it will help YOU. You can't live like this. This person has taken so much from you, and because it's your child, it's a double whammy. He needs to go because you need not to have to have a person like this corroding your life and your health. If he doesn't go, then one day he's going to lose out through losing you anyway. This stress will kill you eventually. If he doesn't graduate before that to throwing punches and gets lucky, that is.

So, if you love him, throw him out. Let him go wherever - leave him to it. If you don't, then he will be a lost cause. He really will.

Yes tsonlyme, I stopped nipping into the secondary school for lunchtime bitty it IS my fault!

Sylvanians - the lying to social care was a big thing for me, I work in the child protection/looked after child arena, the assessment was done by a social worker I often sit across the table from at meetings, social care resources were wasted on assessing him He is intelligent enough and has listened to me talking about social care procedures to my ex enough to know exactly what to do to get an assessment, and knew the embarrassment it would cause to me at work.

Do you have the opportunity through your work to get some counselling or can you afford some private counselling?
It sounds as though some of the things you see at work are clouding how you see your DS which is perfectly understandable i.e. you can picture him as a vulnerable child and your job shows you how to protect vulnerable children so you fear for him and the consequences of his life choices up to now.
Honestly, as many people have said, the best thing you can do for him is to teach him to stand on his own two feet now. You deserve a life free from this kind of shit. He will either sink or swim (eventually). Now that he is 18, it is up to him what he does with the rest of his life.
My ex sounds just like your DS and his DM continues to forgive, support and enable his behaviour. He called me a c* and from his DM's reaction I worked out that she was used to it.

At one stage at his worse behaviour towards my partner I was signed off work for 6 weeks with stress, and work paid for private cbt which was useful at the time. I guess I do think if he is homeless then the worse case scenario will happen, probablu for to experiences from my job. When i see resilient children who have absolutely nothing, parents who genuinely don't care, and a horrendous background, turning out better that my own son, who is privileged by comparison, I wonder what's gone wrong and do blame myself. I have always been the talk it out type and listened to his grievances but I can see now he has just seen me as a soft touch.

Sounds like you could do with some perspective through counselling - someone to think through your outlook and reactions with. Without having to support him, buy his food or pay rent for two, you would have some spare cash to use for this very purpose.
He has had 12 good years of parenting and a happy, successful childhood to thank you for so when he grows up and learns what a good mother you have been he will have that to look back on fondly.

I think that sometimes kids that come from the underprivileged difficult backgrounds where life is tough both financially & emotionally can turn out well because they don't expect the world to owe them much and know that it's up to them to sort themselves out but your son (& my daughter) have had it relatively easy which can with the right combination of personality & circumstance result in awful entitled aggressive behaviour as their way of maintaining the status quo because they don't want to have to put in the necessary effort to take responsibility for themselves.

Which is exactly why forcing him to take responsibility by whichever tough love method you choose is essential. We now have a policy of three monthly reviews, we've only had one so far with another due in a month - so far it's just a quick chat about how we and she feels things are going (because things have been good), this was mapped out in the email we sent her back in February, as was our intention to give her one weeks notice to ship out if there were any major incidents which made the living situation untenable. Or arrest if she were violent. Or a police section 135 to a place of safety (again) if she were to attempt suicide.

It all makes perfect sense to me now that we have a working (for now) solution but I can painfully remember how confusing it is when you're caught in the middle floundering all over the place not knowing what the best thing would be to do, what is the safest thing to do or what it likely to have the best outcome.

Sounds like you are going through a horrible time Teen. I don't suppose it's much comfort, but my daughter went through a nightmare phase - it is so difficult when you have an angry teen who is bigger than you and physically intimidating, even if they are only verbally aggressive - and she has turned into a lovely young woman. You do need to be firm, but be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself too much. I'm sure you're not perfect - who is - but you sound to be a great mum.

I do want to say however that if you do throw him out the LA will not have to do any more than offer him advice and assistance. Depending on where you live they may offer him a hostel or something, but I wouldn't bet on it. At 18 he will no longer be in priority need (unless he has been in care at some time over the last couple of years) and the likelihood is that, if you kick him out because he is violent, they are very likely to consider him intentionally homeless. At 18 he won't get much in the way of Housing Benefit either, single room rate for PRS only. Doesn't mean you shouldn't show him the door, but just wanted to correct the misapprehension some other posters are labouring under.

Best of luck

Haven't read the whole thread (unforgivable, I agree) but yes I'd say your son is abusing you. He is also masterfully manipulating your entirely misplaced guilt. If you think he's bad now then carry on as you are and you won't believe the bottomless monster he will become.

It's rather tiresome to read posts that assume he must be a sweet ickle fing underneath - he clearly isn't; or at least has no intention of being even halfway decent. Why should he, things are going precisely the way he wants as they are.

Op I have a friend who went to prison for child abuse and lost custody of and contact (forever) with her younger children because of the allegations her 18yo child made about her. All lies - though the majority of people reading that will assume there must be something in it bcs ALL children are innocent underneath, or at least troubled and don't mean to cause harm. I beg to differ. Please, let's not assume all young people are sweet ickle fings underneath given the right circs.

I also work for an org that houses homeless young people - there's plenty of support out there. More's the pity in your son's case (and I meet many like him in my work)- a few unpleasant consequences wouldn't go amiss. Truly, it is his only hope.

Joshua, for every parent who reports a miraculous turnaround in later years, there are many who don't report the longed-for miracle. We can't assume behaviour like this is going to go away, a phase; especially if it is longstanding, entrenched, progressive.

I feel for you OP as I went through similar with DD two years ago. In all honesty I was a soft touch and done everything to keep the peace despite her rude/abusive behaviour. One day though she took it too far and I flipped. I put some of her stuff in black bags and told her to take her attitude somewhere else - she was 18. She went to stay at her aunts and was the model guest as she knew her aunt would not put up with any of her nonsense.

Although I secretly spoke to my sister to make sure DD was ok, I deliberately did not contact DD as it had to be up to her to make amends. It was not easy and I had sleepless nights wondering why I was such a bad mother but I had to stand my ground.

After a few days DD got in touch and said that she knew she had been unreasonable and could we talk. After a long chat we set some rules and she came home. She has occasional moans but to the most part she had really matured, got herself a job and is now a joy to have around.

I would advise kicking him out and hopefully it may make him realise that you are not a doormat and that the grass is not greener.

Hope it all works out for you whatever you decide

OP I feel for you, it is awful. Brilliant advice from Pag which is am gratefully taking. Viv thanks very much for the flowers, that was lovely.

I sat down with my DD the other day and told her that when she returns from her stay in France that she wasn't coming home to my house. She can live with her father or rent a room in a shared house. She actually said she understood. We will see what happens though. I don't think she fully understands. She didn't apologise for her behaviour and was pretty surly throughout the conversation.

She is going in a few days and I am looking forward to the peace and quiet. When she leaves I am packing up her stuff. I will update when she gets back in about 6 weeks but I am 100% committed to my decision.

If she comes back to live here it will invariably end up with her assaulting me or causing damage to the house . She tried breaking a window recently in one of her trantrums. The window was double glazed so luckily didn't break. If she had broken it it would have cost a fortune. I would have rung the police if she had. I should have rung them anyway. I worry about her getting a criminal conviction but have to throw that worry away because I will ring the police next time.

I have completely had it. I think that there is a chance that she will wise up at some stage. I am not prepared to end up 6 feet under over the head of it. She is 18 and as far as I am concerned she is an adult.

At least your son is eighteen. My dd went through a difficult couple of years between 12 and 14, OP, and as you know yourself, kicking them out is not an option at that age. She came out of it, fortunately enough and one day when she was about 18 asked me what I would do if she behaved like that again, I instantly told her that I would kick her out. IMHO, once they are eighteen our job is done and we don't have to have them living with us if they don't bring anything positive to the experience.

Add message | Report | Message poster Thenapoleonofcrime Wed 24-Jun-15 20:47:50
tsonlyme I have seen that in my own family. I love your username, by the way, that's what I say when I phone someone!

And I say it to my friends Rottweiler to stop it lunging at my throat .

I've copied your post ts only me as I think you gave excellent advice.

OP as you have a work background in social care would it help to lift yourself up away from the situation and apply the same advice/ process you would use if this was happening in someone else's family, rather than between you and your son? If a mother came to you saying she was being terrorised and was at the end of her tether or a young lad said he had been turfed out because his mother was a 'psycho bitch' with the temerity to expect him to contribute, how would you respond to those people?

TP,
"I feel like I am being abused by my own son."

That's because you are being abused.

It's time for tough love and setting some boundaries with consequences.

You need to tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and if he can't show respect then he needs to leave.

Your son is an adult. He is responsible for his own actions. He is responsible for not going to college, messing up his apprenticeship etc.

You don't say if you have any other children there?

If he won't move out, then tell him you're moving and he's not coming with you. Then do it.

If you want to save your sanity, you'll need to be tough.

What an sad situation. OP, do you have anyone in real life who can help you? Is there anyone apart from your parents who your son has any bond with?

This might be helpful

www.loveandlogic.com/t-Time-for-Them-to-Get-a-Life.aspx

My eldest son is 16. He also has done terrible things and almost destroyed my relationship. I really really feel for you and I agree that you should , if you possibly can, kick him out. It's a joke that he freeloads off you, does nothing and calls you foul names. You would not accept that from anyone else - I know how hard it is when it is your beloved child - but actually, in the end, this is HIS choice.

You sound like a wonderful mother and a strong, thoughtful, intelligent woman. I know what you mean about wondering if it is "nature" coming out - heartbreaking but true. I see my ex in my son, right down to the ability to lie through his teeth - and he has never seen his father.

So and shed loads of empathy from me. You have done nothing wrong .

Call him something right back. Homeless.

All you have done "wrong" OP is just to love him and to have done the best you can with what life has chucked at you.

Do not feel guilty (but you will, you,re only human and a loving mother)

You need to warn him, and then follow through by changing the locks (because he won,t believe you)

Its going to be really hard, but I think its a case of you or him now and I think he feels like he is the boss of you and can control you.

Maybe in the future you may work out some sort of relationship between you but he does what he chooses, and gets away with it , he needs a dose of reality and you need to reclaim your space.

Good Luck

I haven't seen him yet, I think he is probably lying low and hoping things will blow over. Undoubtedly he is coming home when I go to work and leaving again before I get home. I can't deadlock the door from outside. Oh well it will soon be the weekend so interested to see what he does then.

Olddear that made me !

Teenage please don't let it 'blow over'! What are you going to do, do you think?

Do you think he will apologise ?

One of the reasons he was probably angry is because you ruined "his happy love nest with his girlfriend"

However it is your house, so your rules

If the girlfriend "loves him" she will still stick around, but not if she heard the insults !
I believe that there is a saying look how a man treats his; mother, animals, waitresses etc..when starting a new relationship

For your own sanity and future happiness

I would continue to look for one bedroom accomadation