My son has just called me a cunt

[Teenagepisstaker]

18 year old son, had a new girlfriend stay here a week running, last night I said it was time she went home to her own house.

I came home from work today (stressful job) and the place was a mess, cooking stuff, bedding on the sofa, dirty glasses and cups everywhere, and they were taking a shower together. I was very angry and told them that she had to go home, that they were disrespecting my home and that they wouldn't be behaving like that around her house. Got called a psycho cunt by my son, I then chucked them out. He has just come home and said he doesn't see the problem, I was being a cunt. I have told him to move out, he has said no. He has not been bought up to swear like that, I think it's disgusting.

I feel bad, but I wish I hadn't had him. He has been nothing but trouble since 12 and I can't remember the joy of parenting. He relentlessly broke my last relationship up until i moved out with just him, I am just starting to realise how manipulative he is. He doesn't pay anything to live here, had an evening NMW job.

Sorry big back story but no energy to go through it all, heartbroken and so upset. I feel like I am being abused by my own son.

You poor thing op.
You sound weary. This must feel overwhelming.

I don't know if he has communication difficulties but tbh that's no longer the point.
Whether what he is doing is caused by a disorder or because he is being a shit doesn't matter, you can't live like this and unless he changes soon he is going to be a dreadful partner or father or husband.

It must feel overwhelming. I have two boys, 22 and 18. The 18 year old has ASD.
To be honest when parenting him I had to be even clearer about where the line was, what was acceptable.

Your son has grown up thinking you are a cat to kick - that your love is so unconditional that it requires literally nothing from him , you will not expect even a minimum standard of respect.

You can't change that overnight. You don't have the strength at the moment because when he feels challenged he will probably get worse before he gets better.

Whilst I would love to recommend a change of locks, an ultimatum, I think that would be unwise because I doubt you could do it. Not because you are weak but because you blame yourself and you feel guilty.

Can you just decide that you will change? Stop worrying about changing him, YOU change.
Stop doing things to make his life easier. Stop buying his food. Stop nagging him to clean his room, stop doing his washing. Spend your money on you. Don't announce it - it will sound like bluster and when you crack you will have lost.
Just recognise properly - really, really understand that you don't deserve this treatment. You deserve better, so much better than this life.
Stop worrying about him. Decide what you want, what works for you. What treats you want to eat, where you want to go, where you want to live.
Then do that. Let him sort his future out .

In short, withdraw from this. It sucks.

Your biggest mistake now would be to back down. He either shapes up or ships out because he's upped the anti and if you don't hold firm then whatever behaviours he's exhibited before will escalate exponentially

His girlfriend is not your responsibility and if you dont want her staying over it is your house

I would save up some money (eg stop buying him food) give him deposit to rent in a house share & tell him to set up with his girlfriend

Start a new rental yourself in a one bedroom flat

There is no need to be unhappy in your own home

It will make him grow up !

As for having "the talk", I guess it probably wont happen, but if you put the above plan into place life should become better

ps
It doesnt matter what happened when he was 12, it ,atters what is happening now

Good luck & be strong

If your tenancy is up in October, this solves a lot of issues.

Personally, I would find a one bedroom place and leave. You could of course also find a house share for your son and pay for a few months.

in the meantime, I would stop buying ready meals (I would be inclined not to tell him) and put a lock on your door to keep food/valuables etc safely away.

Are you and your partner still together? If you are, then could you not move back in with him until the tenancy ends in October?

pag has written a very eloquent post.

You need to change. You need to put yourself first.

Don't announce anything to him I think he make a point of arguing about it to try and grind you down, just stop buying food, washing his clothes etc.

I agree with Pagwatch that you should withdraw doing things for him.

I also think you need to have a short conversation with him. Tell him YOU have choices, you can decide who you live with, that you want to live with and share your home with him but you will not carry on doing that if he continues to behave like he has.

Give him a written list of basic "rules",-- basic manners, no name calling, clearing up after self, girlfriend only over 2/3 times a week etc.

It's his choice in the end. He treats you and the home with respect or he will have to leave.

Tbh he's probably realising how much he's messed up his teenage years. Would he consider going back to college and getting his GCSEs?

Browser I hope you will let us know how it goes.

You could give him a choice if you were feeling generous. Sit him and hs girlfriend down, and lay out some ground rules. He pays X amount board, he clears up after himself and her. He doesn't use foul language towards you etc. Then he can stay.

If he doesn't abide by your rules in the house that you pay for, he can move out. And stick to it. Make the rules clear and simple, don't argue over them.

Or, kick him out and let him have a reality check. You could let him back (with the rules) but it sounds to me like he needs to find out what life is like as an adult.

Acton for children might be able to help with mediation. They aim to help families who are close to breaking point work pit the best living arrangements and start communication.

You've been given some good advice here, OP - I don't have much to add except support.

My only concern is that if you do as PPs have suggested and find/pay for a rental for him, do NOT under any circumstances agree to be his guarantor. If he earns v. little, he will need one. But if it's you, he simply won't pay his rent, will he? And you'll be liable for it.

Let him sofa surf with friends for a while if needs be - they might be able to get through to him where you can't.

And try to go easy on yourself.

Brilliant post Peace.
OP how awful for you.
Just ensure you are in no physical danger from your son.
I'll be flamed for this - Could he be on the spectrum and hasn't got the supports needed?

Great post Pagwatch

This is one of the saddest posts I've read.

Its been quite triggering .i brought up two difficult sons. Idid tell one to leave and he found a flat share the next day . I was heartbroken but he left amicably and we helped him set up his new place.

I was overjoyed when he came back 6 months later and things were much much improved. Even though I had to accept his two water dragons and the food they ate dead baby mice and live crickets. ( oh the cats had a field day with those)

Anyway another 6 months went by and he was off againafter then back again briefly before buying a lovely detached house with his girlfriend.

Thing is, it's not right for grown men to live with their parents. They need their own place and the way society has gone its just ridiculously hard to do this.

My sons were never abusive to me and we only argued over daft niggly things and I always told them how much I loved them. Even after an argument, sometimes through gritted teeth.

I would wait until you've had a good nights sleep and feel calmer and sit down with him and tell him that as much as you love him, he's over stepped a line, you've been dreadfully hurt and it's obvious you can no longer carry on like this. He needs his own place as he obviously wants Tobe in a relationship with his girlfriend, so he has until October to find somewhere as you will be moving to a one bedroom flat as you want to free up some money to go travelling or whatever.

Do it calmly and pleasantly. Let him know that you love and care for him as much as ever and you are not throwing him out merely you are moving on with your own life as its now time for you.

Withdraw all services and like another poster said concentrate on what you want to do.

I'm so sad that you had to give up onyour relationship. Heartbreaking. Your son is not going to suck anymore life blood out of you.

Really shocked at another poster saying about meeting older mums with abusive sons who are in their thirties.

I have a friend who is not quite there yet. Her bit of joy is only in his twenties but very worrying all the same. No job, no prospects. List is endless.

My boys came good. It's all to play for. He didn't cross a line that day, he crossed a huge chasm!

I'm only up to page 2, but you say his girlfriend has a horrible home life and your son is verbally, abusive, manipulative. I worry for you, but I also worry for his girlfriend. She sounds potentially vulnerable and he's getting plenty of practice being an abusive, disrespectful cock-lodger with you. He is 18. Time for him to move out and earn his own living. Why are you putting up with it?

OMG if my child called my a cunt I'd rip their fucking head off.
Get angry and change the locks. Chuck all his stuff out and earn some respect.

The first time my child started with the attitude bitching about what's for dinner. I told her to shut up or she'll get a shit sandwich.

Sorry I sound so uncouth, really I'm a well spoken professional woman, but with teenagers you need to nip things in the bud.

I am not sure he will change or realise what he has until he is out. It sounds like he is controlling your life. You have done loads for him. It is hard time you get your life back.

Find a one bed flat for October, yes, and tell him he's homeless as of then. I agree you need to discuss paying the deposit/rent in advance for a houseshare, but that's it (and absolutely, pay it to the agency and NOT to him - nor at all costs agree to be guarantor, as he may well see that as carte blanche to default on rent, as punishment for you). After that, he needs to stand on his own two feet.

If you allow him to abuse you any longer, he'll always do it. I'm afraid I agree that he is bad news for his girlfriend, sadly. You can turn the ship - he is only 18 - but tough love is all that can achieve that now.

Are you still with your partner, or did moving out destroy the relationship?

Agree btw that nothing will change until he is out. The dynamic is too entrenched and a son that calls you a cunt, then says he won't move out, has no respect for or fear of losing you at all, even in terms of withdrawal of money/home/housework. You have to make him understand that actions have consequences. He's earned some serious ones.

You have been a constant in his life which he takes for granted. Now he's bringing his gf round and if she has a troubled home life next thing will be her moving in gradually then you'll have another passenger on board.

Tell him when October comes you are moving by yourself. He can make his own arrangements. It is four months' away. If his attitude changes dramatically you can review the situation but don't say that see if he works it out by himself. You can ease off 'helicoptering' in the next week. By which I mean buying him food to heat up and doing laundry. Do you give him fuel money for the car? Keep any money/cards or cheque book out of temptation's reach. He might resort to abuse or threats in which case you call the police.

I would agree with Pag if the OP hadn't already told him to move out.

I'd not be backtracking on that without evidence that he's changed his tune and apologised.

I'm afraid that empty treat will escalate matters.

Only you can decide what to do OP. For me he would have crossed a major boundary and I would not have him back in the house.

Cunt? "Thanks for the compliment, son. I do indeed have warmth and depth. I have brought you up to have decent boundaries. Until you remember what they are, you are not welcome to stay in my house. I am not asking you, I don't need your permission. You are not a child any more, find somewhere else to live. I'd love to see you when you remember how a mother and a home should be treated."

Brilliant post by Peace - perfectly put.

I'll be flamed for this - Could he be on the spectrum and hasn't got the supports needed?

Being on the spectrum does not turn people into nasty, selfish, abusive fuckwits. FFS.

OP reading your post made me so angry on your behalf. It's sad that you are so ground down and terrorised by him that you are 'weary' instead of fucking raging. You need to throw him out. Now. So that the consequences of such unforgivable behaviour are immediate and unequivocal.

He is abusing you, and it sounds as though he has been for some time. You wouldn't put up with it from a partner (I hope!), so why put up with it from an adult purely because he came out of the cunt he's willing to call you!

He's an adult, and he can find his own way now - he'll soon find that other people don't put up with being treated the way he's treated you. Maybe he can come back in the future, but for now he needs some sharp life lessons.

I really do think he has some sort of social communication issues
Yes, he's a nasty, entitled little shit!

Oh and the poster upthread who said he's a 'pretty normal heterosexual boy'... What fucking planet are you on?

I note you work with people who have had a terrible start in life... Remember your DS has not had a terrible start in life. He has however managed to make you leave your partner. He must feel like he's completely in charge of you. For your - and his - own future happiness, you need to show him the world does not revolve around him. And that bad behaviour has consequences. Because outside of your home, it does - and he'll find himself unemployable, and incapable of a happy relationship, if he does not belatedly learn this.

Personally, what I would do, is fill up black bags with his stuff, leave them at the front door. When he gets home from work, tell him to jog on. No boy or man child should ever EVER call his Mother a cunt. Sickening.

Usually if I'm called a cunt by someone I thank them, because a cunt is something useful after all ;) :)

Sorry OP, I really feel for you, I rarely comment on any threads here but your one really got to me.

I know you probably feel like you cant throw him out on his ear, but I can tell you now, he called you that once and he will do it over and over again now since he thinks he can walk all over you. That's not your fault, he just sounds like an ungrateful bully. Dont ever blame yourself for how he turned out. There's only so much parents can do to steer their child in the right direction. It's up to HIM as an ADULT to behave like normal people do.

Hope you're ok OP. x x x x x