My son has just called me a cunt

[Teenagepisstaker]

18 year old son, had a new girlfriend stay here a week running, last night I said it was time she went home to her own house.

I came home from work today (stressful job) and the place was a mess, cooking stuff, bedding on the sofa, dirty glasses and cups everywhere, and they were taking a shower together. I was very angry and told them that she had to go home, that they were disrespecting my home and that they wouldn't be behaving like that around her house. Got called a psycho cunt by my son, I then chucked them out. He has just come home and said he doesn't see the problem, I was being a cunt. I have told him to move out, he has said no. He has not been bought up to swear like that, I think it's disgusting.

I feel bad, but I wish I hadn't had him. He has been nothing but trouble since 12 and I can't remember the joy of parenting. He relentlessly broke my last relationship up until i moved out with just him, I am just starting to realise how manipulative he is. He doesn't pay anything to live here, had an evening NMW job.

Sorry big back story but no energy to go through it all, heartbroken and so upset. I feel like I am being abused by my own son.

I would put the month's money in the landlord's hand (or bank account) so you know it's been paid. You can't carry on living under the same roof.

My DM did the same for me at 15, I soon got a job and sorted my shit out.

Time for tough love, if you can find the strength. Get him out.

Sit him down and put him on one warning. Tell him that to stay he has to do the following or leave. He only has one warning and this is it.

A) meaningfully apologise for calling you a cunt. And never be so rude to you again

B) do a list of weekly chores - then provide the list

It is interesting how in some cases you give your kids everything but all that does it lead them to have no respect for you.

The best thing you can do is kick him out, force him to be independent. He will never have a good job, become a decent member of society if he stays a freeloader. Dr Phil show looked at grown kids behaving in this way, you should look it up on YouTube.

I don't think you have to kick him out, unless you want to of course. I do feel that you and he need to reaffirm that he is now an adult, therefore the rules and responsibilities change. Calling you a cunt, not nice but forgivable with time IMO

In his eyes why should he go to work - he has a nice little set up, home, food, car and freedom to do as he pleases and sex with his GF 24/7.

Where does he get his money for petrol? I would tell him that you are no longer paying for his car or insurance. I would also explain that you are charging board and if he wants to find alternative accommodation he is free to. I am sure he is more than capable of doing his own laundry and he certainly has the time so stop doing that. It's your home, you pay the bills and mortgage its like it or lump it time. Put the boundaries in and stick to them.

Although it is lovely as a parent to be able to help and support our children wherever we can, but its time to stop treating as a child and start treating him as an adult

You have given him every chance, OP.

I agree with everyone advocating the hard line: money for a month, change locks, OUT

When is your tenancy due for renewal? Tell him he has till then to sharpen up or I would consider moving out to a nice one bed house & let him find his own love nest.

He is truly taking the piss out of you and you would be a total mug if you don't get him out asap.

You have done all the parenting you can, it's time for him to be independent.

What happened when he was 12?. Anything specific or did it really start to all go wrong then?.

Tough love time indeed. You need to act and act decisively and now before this gets a lot worse which it will given time. Its a given that he has to move out now; where he goes is not your concern.

His doting grandparents have not helped any either with their enabling behaviours; that has also made things a lot worse too. He feels entitled to do this and he does this as well because he can.

And what Hesterton wrote as well:-
"His refusal to move out shows he has no regard for you as a parent. He quite literally thinks he is alpha in your home and you are subservient to him. You need to somehow assert your own autonomy in your own home".

My BIL lives with and freeloads off his now widowed mother and this is exactly what he thinks of her.

Cunt?

"Thanks for the compliment, son. I do indeed have warmth and depth. I have brought you up to have decent boundaries. Until you remember what they are, you are not welcome to stay in my house. I am not asking you, I don't need your permission. You are not a child any more, find somewhere else to live. I'd love to see you when you remember how a mother and a home should be treated."

OP nothing more to add but just wanted to send . I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. Is there any way you could access some counselling during this time too, it might help you get through what will be a tough time. Agree with others that he's an adult and please don't best yourself up over making him stand on his own two feet.

Beat, not best!

for you op. This must have been a very upsetting experience.
I'm honestly not sure what I'd do, but I know I'd feel very scared if an adult spoke to me in that way.

All the very best.

I feel so sorry for you op, you do not deserve to he treated like this in your own home.

I would think about what my minimum requirements are for him living there and spell them out to him. If he is not willing to meet those requirements then tell (not ask) him to leave. The local authority will house him in a hostel or the like. Spell out his options. Either he stays and treats you and your home with respect and follows your rules or he is on his own. don't put up with this anymore op.

Just to say, there is usually a no overnight guest rule in hostels, so he's going to screw himself over if he can't stick to your rules. He will soon learn that there are rules everywhere and consequences if you break them.

Thanks for all your messages, I am about to go to work, he is in bed - when I get home he will have gone to work, so I am going to have to wait up until he gets home to talk to him about this.

Nothing happened when he was 12 other than he had moved from a small primary to secondary school, and immediately gravitated to a group of boys who, for want of a better word, were the "bad boys".

My rental is up in October, I do own a house I had prior to living with my partner which has tenants in, this is some distance away and not convenient for my work, else I would move back there.

I am feeling really down, I feel sucked dry, living with someone who doesn't even respect me and just wants to leech off me. I've now got to go to work and work with people who have high needs, I just feel weary of life to be honest.

He has an established pattern of abusive behaviour to you and one of minimum effort in life. He isn't going to change unless he has to.
Time for tough love . Time for him to see what RL is like ad just how far his attitude takes him.

Poor gf has gone from. A shitty home to a shitty bf happy to call his mother a cunt. You don't need a crystal ball to see what will probably happen there.

Stop wasting your hard earned money on pizza and ready meals. If you don't charge rent consider that saving his contribution. From now on if he wants them he buys them.

Stop doing his cleaning etc. Shove it all in his room and close the door.

Keeps some clean stuff in your room and make sure he can't get in there.

Change the locks, let your landlord know you'll be leaving and move back in with your partner. If he causes a fuss call the police. He might spend a few nights sofa surfing or at the gf's awful place, but that's not your problem.

Maybe you don't need to wait up to talk to him about this. That's not what you want just before bed. Perhaps instead you can decide where your line is and leave him a note outlining how things will be from now on.

Dear son, due to your recent abusive behaviour, I now need to establish some ground rules if you want to continue living here. Gf can stay two nights a week. I will no longer provide your food or do your washing etc. and you will treat me and our home with respect. If you will not agree and stick to these then you will have to find yourself alternative living arrangements. Please let me know your decision in the morning.

I'm sorry your son thinks he's entitled to behave in this way, very grim for you. But he must stop. Or he has to go.

I feel for you op but the truth is that he isn't going to change whilst he has such an easy life with you feeding him, washing his clothes and providing a rent free roof over his head. Those are the things that need to change.

Being honest I was that teenager. I started slightly younger, but I was awful all the same. My mum ended up kicking me out and I had a really tough couple of years to start with. I then found my feet got a decent job (amazing in itself as I didn't sit exams) and now have a wonderful relationship with my mum. The point is I had to hit rock bottom before I got any better. I had to got back to my mum cap in hand a few years later when I got into a pickle. But doing it on my own made me see how much she had been doing for me and how hard she had had to work to bring me and my sister up.

Even after calling you a cunt you are still trying to make it easy for him.

You need to decide whether calling you a cunt was your line that he crossed. If so, new set of locks for you and start treating him like an adult which means standing on his own two feet.

Incidentally, by that age I had left home and was working.

Time for him to move out. He's trying to be independent in a mad kind of way by throwing his weight around. You need him to either contribute or go. Tell him if he's old enough to think he owns the place he can pay rent, wash his own stuff, do his own cleaning and buy and cook his own food. Then stop doing all these things for him. And the GF can come round once or twice a week tops. And you'll have to stick to your guns. It is non-negotiable. If he doesn't, you will change the locks whilst he is at work/out.

Next time he is threatening or abusive, call a male relative. After that, tell him it will be the police. Hopefully he'll move out and then you can change the locks.

Or if it becomes unbearable before that just change the locks anyway when he's out at work and he can move in with the GF. He won't be homeless, because he can sleep in her bedroom or on a friend's couch.

Sounds like he got jealous in his teens perhaps of the relationship with step dad and his children. This is a possible reason for his spiralling aggressive behaviour, but not an excuse now he is 18 and an adult. Where is his dad?