My son has just called me a cunt

[Teenagepisstaker]

18 year old son, had a new girlfriend stay here a week running, last night I said it was time she went home to her own house.

I came home from work today (stressful job) and the place was a mess, cooking stuff, bedding on the sofa, dirty glasses and cups everywhere, and they were taking a shower together. I was very angry and told them that she had to go home, that they were disrespecting my home and that they wouldn't be behaving like that around her house. Got called a psycho cunt by my son, I then chucked them out. He has just come home and said he doesn't see the problem, I was being a cunt. I have told him to move out, he has said no. He has not been bought up to swear like that, I think it's disgusting.

I feel bad, but I wish I hadn't had him. He has been nothing but trouble since 12 and I can't remember the joy of parenting. He relentlessly broke my last relationship up until i moved out with just him, I am just starting to realise how manipulative he is. He doesn't pay anything to live here, had an evening NMW job.

Sorry big back story but no energy to go through it all, heartbroken and so upset. I feel like I am being abused by my own son.

I think I would speak with him tomorrow when things are calmer. Firmly state that there are new ground rules and he can either abide by them or move out.

My rules would be:

1. Girlfriend not allowed to stay over
2. He pays you keep and not a token amount, tough luck he's on min wage, perhaps he'll realise he should have made more of his educational opportunities when he had them
3. He does some chores
4. He does not swear at you

I do realise that this is easier said than done!

Making him homeless could be the best thing you can do for him. Change your locks, pack his stuff and, shortly before he's due home, leave it out with a note telling him to go to the local authority housing department or the YMCA (or Centrepoint if you're in London) so that he can begin to learn what life is like in the real world where you have to earn money to pay your rent/bills and put food on your table.

I was tempted to write a few reams with a view to endeavouring to repair your relationship with your ds, but his use of the C word to you has served to persuade me that you'll be able to communicate with him far better after he's acquired some maturity.

I would urge you to take the necessary action this week otherwise I fear that he may progress to becoming violent towards you - if that should happen, don't hesitate to call the police as your ds is in dire need of a short sharp lesson in treating his dm with the respect she deserves.

Sorry, not avoiding questions just caught up in my own misery.

I do the laundry, clean everywhere but his bedroom which he does when nagged relentlessly.
I don't cook, he doesn't like eating with me - he cooks pizzas and ready meals (bought by me) and eat them at different times to me, ie before I am home from work / before he goes to work.

Goodness - sorry, I wasn't suggesting you were avoiding answering - just that you hadn't said yet.
He does let you do most things then

You don't deserve this op, it is NOT normal behaviour at all.

I'd stop doing anything for him. No washing, no cooking, I'd get rid of or password protect Sky/cable if you have it, I'd change the WiFi password so he can't use it and I wouldn't buy anything for him including specific food/snacks/drinks that he likes.

The hotel luxury he is accustomed to and clearly believes he is entitled to would become a hostel...

And when he queried it I'd simply reply, 'It's because I'm a psycho cunt apparently. Unlucky.' then refuse to engage with any arguments.

i think you should kick him out.
calling you a cunt is despicable.
nothing can excuse that.
he needs to go - you've had 6 years of abuse.

I like the idea of drawing up some rules - not too many, and giving him an ultimatum to stick to them. I have said I don't mind his girlfriend staying once or twice a week if they are going out late, but not every bloody night for a week. He did say he didn't see what difference it made to me if she was here or but as they will stay in his room

I really do think he has some sort of social communication issues and cannot see how inappropriate he is being.

Saymwa, we are not talking about a little boy here, or even very early teenager-hood.

This is a young man of 18, who seems to think that he can use his mother's place as a love nest, who has no work ethic and who thinks it is OK to call her a psycho cunt amongst other things.

You really think that is OK and normal??? Of course it isn't. It is abuse, and he needs to be taught a sharp lesson. He can't just doss there and do that. It sounds to me as though he has already cost the OP quite dearly, as he broke up her last relationship. Nothing normal or acceptable about that.

I can see I need to harden up.
I work with vulnerable children, and it's heartbreaking when I see how little they have, and how much he takes for granted.

The doting grandparents don't help, although I have said to him that if he can't see what id wrong with calling me a cunt, why doesn't he phone his granddad up and ask him why. All I got was "yeah ok then"

He's been called up infront of his girlfriend and as you've belittled him in his eyes he's trying to be the man by insulting you.

Stop buying and providing for him, he can buy his own meals and live in his own mess. Be strong. It will mean you are unhappy for now but you have given him too much by giving up your relationship for him, he is taking this and you for granted, and it's time he learnt how to be the man he thinks he is.

I honestly think there is something wrong with his mh, I repeatedly tried to self refer to camhs over the years unsuccessfully, mainly to do with his lack of empathy and constant lying.

I never get so much as a card on Mother's Day, birthday or Christmas, it is all take take take and I really have had enough of it, I feel bone tired of it all.

If he was going off to university then you'd be happy to send him off and he could have showers with women and suit himself. If he hasn't pulled his finger out thus far then a short dose of reality wouldn't do him any harm.
Maybe tomorrow's the day you lose your keys and change the lock on the front door?

The thing is, I WANT him to make something of himself, he took a maths GCSE at 13 and passed (the only one he had), he had all 5s in SATs and top for maths in his primary school. It just all went to shit at secondary. He was 8 when I met my partner and they used to get on really well, my partner never treated him any different to his own kids, he just turned on him when he was 14/15 and made home life unbearable, I left in the end for my partner and his kids sakes.

Good lord. I had issues with my dad and never used that word. The thought of saying cunt to any of my grandparents makes me feel really uncomfy. And a bit ill. I've maybe got ASD.

I really do think he has some sort of social communication issues and cannot see how inappropriate he is being

I doubt he doesn't realize. Seriously, who uses that kind of terminology without knowing what they're saying? Really?

You need to grow a pair OP and he needs to find out that you mean what you say. You're doing him (or yourself) absolutely no favours by indulging him.

Can he not go and stay with his doting grandparents for a bit? Maybe then they'll see you have a point. You shouldn't be treated like this.
At the very least, do what coola said and stop doing his laundry or buying meals for him. I understand why you feel sad about all his potential - I feel sad for you. But it is best for both of you to toughen up on him now.

He would not stay with grandparents as they live in an extremely rural area, and I wouldn't put them through that, they are in 70/80s and one has cardiac issues - I'd never forgive myself if he ran them ragged and caused them to be ill.

It is horrible to think that your own son could say that isn't it.
I would
Phone the grandparents and tell them yourself
Sit with him and draw up the house rules together with the first two or three already done eg
girlfriend welcome to stay two three times a week
No swearing at you
Keep communal areas tidy
Fends for themselves with regards food and washing etc.

Perhaps involve the girlfriend in this talk

Slight areas of negotiations for you both put a timeline to see how it works

It all sounds so simple - let's sit down and draw up a short list of rules which he'll adhere to and everything will be rosy again.

Except it won''t, will it? He's got form for breaking rules and wrecking the stability of any household he's in and he's already had far too many chances to mend his ways with no consequences when he fails to do so.

As Giddy says, you wouldn't think twice about sending him off to a seat of learning so change your locks and send him to the university of life - it's time for him to enrol in the real world of housing where he'll have to engage with flatmates/landlords etc in a respectful manner or he'll be out on his ear.

I'm afraid I agree with goddess. You can certainly draw up rules and he may even agree to them (or he may not) but I doubt very much if he will become a reformed character just because you've drawn up house rules. I bet you've tried that before in fact.

I also would worry about this escalating (in the same way I would if an 18 year old woman told me her 18 year old boyfriend called her a psycho cunt and hours later he still thought it wasn't something he needed to apologise for). I would worry, OP, that soon it will be a mug thrown against the wall and after that who knows?

It is obvious from your post that calling you a cunt was, in your family, a serious breach of norms and something that felt abusive to you. I think you need to draw your line in the sand now - not later when things have gotten even worse.

I think you should consider changing the locks and letting him fend for himself. But I also think you should talk to someone with some expertise about this before you do so, if possible - so you are prepared for what you will do if he begs to come back or breaks a window and comes back or threatens you or goes to his grandparents etc. I think you probably need someone to talk to about all the emotions/disappointment/worry you are feeling.

There was a thread on here a while back about when you left home. so many many people were pushed out of home at 15/16/17 by inadequate/bad parents. I felt for them. I don't think anyone came on with a sad story of having to leave home and become an adult at 18. yes lots of young adults stay home (my own 18 year old son will be with us on and off through uni) but lots become independent at that age. It isn't like you are abandoning a child here.

All a lot easier said than done. I've been terrified of my ds since he was about 14 and generally hid behind my ex-rugby playing OH or just left the house when the little sod started smashing the place up. He once threw a can of beans at me so hard I had a lump the size of a grapefruit on my leg for a month. Thankfully (for now) he has moved in with friends/ gf and is working but nothing much has changed when I dare to make what seems to me to be a perfectly reasonable request such as that he should wear a suit to my Father's funeral recently. That resulted in a full 24 hour tirade with all the language under the sun, at full blast, including on the morning of the funeral while we were getting in the car to drive to my Mother's house, and him going in clothes that were hanging off him and muddy trainers.

It's all about 'respect' (by which they actually mean territory) as pp have said, very difficult to deal for a woman to deal with on her own and very intimidating, which many young 'men' are only too aware of.

OP do you have any male friends / siblings who could help you?

Otherwise I'd advise you to do what I wished I'd had the balls to do which is tell him you're through with him, change the locks the next time he goes out and have him prosecuted for if he breaks anything while he's coming to terms with your decision.

He could get a room, house share......

He could if he got off his bum and got his act together, Lady, but why would he do that when he's got his dm and her home to use and abuse?

He needs to be accomodated in a hostel with other young men who would give their eye teeth to have what he's had as this may serve to make him realise how fortunate he's been to have had a dm who didn't wash her hands of him years ago. .

If the OP adopts a policy of tough love, she may yet see the young man she hoped he would become when she first held him in her arms, but if not she will have nothing to reproach herself for as she will have done everything humanly possible to save him from himself.

Yes, it has gone too far and he is being abusive and disrespectful to you and your home.

I like the idea of giving him enough for a month somewhere else and making him leave and changing the locks. He needs a taste of the real world and it would straighten him out quickly.