My son has just called me a cunt

[Teenagepisstaker]

18 year old son, had a new girlfriend stay here a week running, last night I said it was time she went home to her own house.

I came home from work today (stressful job) and the place was a mess, cooking stuff, bedding on the sofa, dirty glasses and cups everywhere, and they were taking a shower together. I was very angry and told them that she had to go home, that they were disrespecting my home and that they wouldn't be behaving like that around her house. Got called a psycho cunt by my son, I then chucked them out. He has just come home and said he doesn't see the problem, I was being a cunt. I have told him to move out, he has said no. He has not been bought up to swear like that, I think it's disgusting.

I feel bad, but I wish I hadn't had him. He has been nothing but trouble since 12 and I can't remember the joy of parenting. He relentlessly broke my last relationship up until i moved out with just him, I am just starting to realise how manipulative he is. He doesn't pay anything to live here, had an evening NMW job.

Sorry big back story but no energy to go through it all, heartbroken and so upset. I feel like I am being abused by my own son.

Thanks for your messages, just got home from a difficult day at work on an almost sleepless night, he is at his work, I am just so tired I am going to lie on my bed and hopefully nod off. I haven't done/said anything yet as I had a full day of appointments and didn't want to start feeling upset.

Re my partner, there is no chance of getting back together, he has moved on and quite frankly He was so glad to see the back of my son I shouldn't imagine he wants to go back!

Son's dad, hasn't seen him except once in maternity about 2 days old. He punched me in the face at 5 month pg and broke my jaw, I had to spend my last trimester in pain with it as they wouldn't surgically fix it whilst pregnant, then I had emcs and cancellations, finally had it fixed when he was 8 months old. Maybe he takes after his dad, nature vs nurture? After that happened I finished with his dad completely, and he had never sought access, remembered birthdays, paid maintenance - my son has played on this - I used to think he was genuinely upset about having no dad, but now I think it was a manipulative guilt trip.

Op I'm so sorry to hear this. You don't deserve this treatment from your own son. I'd be heartbroken. Splitting up with your partner in a situation where your partner wasn't in the wrong was a mistake. It isolated you and left you with no support. Please evict your son. The police will attend to support you if you don't feel safe.Dedicate your life and money to being good to yourself and to having fun and making new friends. It's the only way he'll learn and change.

I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to post to let you know I'm thinking of you and feel for you in your very difficult situation.

I was a difficult teenager, my mum and I had almighty rows. I ended up moving out at 17 (on my own accord) which was best for everyone concerned.

I have a toddler son and cannot imagine how painful this is for you after all you've done for your son and all you've been through.

I can't imagine it's easy to think of throwing your son out but you need to do something. Perhaps helping him get set up elsewhere is the way to go, not throwing him out exactly but helping him to stand on his own two feet. I'm not sure you should have to move to a one bedroom if you don't want to just so there's no room for him.

Good luck and best wishes.

Thinking of you,too. My ds2 was a nightmare and didn't have any of the 'excuses' your ds has. He was just a rude, messy nightmare and said some fairly unforgivable things. Moving out, albeit for uni was our lifesaver and now at 23 he has become a very caring and fairly housetrained person. A wonderful girlfriend has helped, no doubt.

I think you need to talk. He crossed a line and this stops right now. He's an adult and has no right to even live with you unless you chose to have him. I'm afraid it's time for tough love. He needs to move and he needs a deadline. One single further episode of abuse will speed this process up to the time it takes to call the Police and have him escorted from the premesis. By all means give him a certain amount of assistance if he asks nicely, but not money and as above, definitely do not act as gaurrantor. If all else fails he will end up in B&B or the YMCA which will help him to appreciate your home. Of course he will hate you and resent you and blame you in the short term. Be consistent, offer love and support but state calmly that his behaviour has led to this (and clearly much more). He's not too old to turn things around but let's face it, he hasn't whilst under your roof so if he doesn't turn things around it isn't because you made him leave.

Please don't despair, he may well gain maturity and change. However, he needs to leave. I fully agree with moving to a smaller property or even telling him you are and forcing the issue because as things stand you are both unhappy.

Good luck. If there is any risk of aggression please ensure you are safe when yon have this conversation, but have it you must.

Hey OP just wanted to check in again and echo the support being given by other posters. DO NOT under any circumstances confuse any of the comments along the lines of 'well there's no way I'd put up with any of that from MY dcs' with your own feelings of frustration and hurt arising from your son's behaviour. You are not weak, you are and have been INCREDIBLY strong. All these years. Believe me I know exactly how you feel and how badly you. Just. Want. This. To. Stop. And it will, but you have to make it so. I had a bf when I was younger who had a sob story about turning up at his mum's house after he'd left home to find she'd moved out months previously and the people who answered the door swore blind they had no idea where she had gone. At the time I thought 'Jesus, heartless bitch.' But not now...

When my brother was in his mid/late teens my mum had a lot of trouble with him. He was taking drugs, stealing from her and refused to work or even sign on at the job centre. My mum asked her brother to speak to him about his behaviour as he would never listed to her.

My brother was angry at my mum but I think he also felt embarrassed that other people in the family now knew how he was behaving. My dad had left and I think the fact another man was taking him to task had an affect. Is there anyone you could ask for support? Are you still on good terms with your ex?

My brother is 30 now, working full time, in a relationship with a lovely girl and they are expecting their first baby. There is hope but you need someone to lean on while you are going through it xx

Btw, I agree wholeheartedly that if you decide to confront him and turf him out, you MUST do it safely, ie with several male friends / relatives or the police stood right beside you in case he kicks off.

My son was 18 when I made him leave. The council gave him a flat, and he was, and is fine and we now get on well. He is now in his 40s
No one would call me a c--- without repercussions.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My son has had severe MH issues, starting with his birth mum abandoning him as a child and his dad dying when he was 13, followed by ending up in an abusive house with his birth mum where there was a lot of violence, theft and other criminality.

By the time I managed to get him home with me (I used to be married to his dad) with social services help, he was nearly 15 and carrying huge amounts of anger around. He was apathetic, self-harming, very sullen in speech, he didn't like my partner, and had all the disgusting habits of most teenage boys eg crusty socks left on the settee, plates of food in the hall, etc.

However, no matter how angry he got (and we've had a fair few episodes), he has never called me a cunt. He's never even called me a bitch. And after any episode where he's shouted and/or sworn before stomping off and slamming his bedroom door, he's always come and apologised when he's calmed down.

That was a roundabout way of saying your son's behaviour and attitude are absolutely not normal and in no way to be tolerated.

I do think the time has probably come to put his act on the road. He can get a house share of a bedsit (depending on what area of the country you're in) and if you do "officially" make him homeless by moving yourself then he would qualify for emergency housing help.

Be aware: if you do evict him and you give him a letter saying "The reason I'm kicking you out is because you don't follow my rules" then he would be classed as intentionally making himself homeless and wouldn't be eligible for social housing as a priority. You might therefore want to give him some ground rules now, with the understanding that if he doesn't follow them, he will be gone - but your "eviction notice" will state that you are moving and you won't have room for him/you're moving away/moving in with someone else.

I think there's more to it than what you're telling, OP.

Why is your son so angry with you?
Why didn't he like your ex?
Why do you see yourself as a victim?
Why do you label your own son as an abuser?

I don't like that poor me victim stuff, it always makes me suspicious that someone is trying a bit too hard to present themselves as the innocent one when there's always two sides to it, especially with a parent/child relationship.

Hi OP, I was in your position up until about five months ago with my dd(18) and I took advice from a relative who just happens to be a psychiatrist. He said he'd come across many teens in his career who were out of control and ruling the roost with their awful intolerable behaviour. His advice was that we essentially had to force her to grow up and take responsibility for herself. This meant no more money handouts, no more tipping toeing around in fear of a rage, no more tolerating her and her friends drinking in the house (and worse although she did attempt to hide that drugs were being taken under our roof but we're not stupid!). No more buying her McDs when she refused to eat the evening meal on offer, etc etc.

We wrote her an email outlining that we did not have to tolerate it any longer, we had the legal right to ask her to leave and would if she didn't shape up. We set some fairly simple rules about civility and considerate living. She got herself a job at the same time as we sent this message and I can't say if it were the job or the email but our lives have been transformed after years and years of the sort of hell that took us to the brink. I think the job has given her purpose and some financial independence and the rules have given her something to work with at home. She stopped going to school at 14(!) although she did manage one year in sixth form where she got herself a couple of GCSEs - her job is not high flying but she's happy to do it.

Home is a much happier place now, she pretty much can come and go as she pleases, she is an adult after all, but she's respectful of us and our house and she become quite good company which is one of the more surprising elements!

Although you might not get the startling results we did so instantaneously the key factor here is the taking responsibility for themselves and their actions, with very real consequences if they don't. Some kids will walk out (hurrah! ), some kids will fight you (police if they're a threat to you, ambulance if they're a threat to themselves - we had both out on numerous occasions) and some kids will sort themselves out.

I wish you the very best of luck, I fully understand how bloody terrifying it is to live under these circumstances day after day, it wears you down and is utterly exhausting. You need to be strong because as others say, if he doesn't take responsibility for his behaviour you're going to be living under his cloud for god knows how many years. X

Thunderbum, if someone is abusive they are an abuser, it's as simple as that. My dd was an abuser and now she isn't. I think it's quite common for teen boys to rail against a mother's relationship, it's some kind of primal top dog thing, although that isn't something I've had to cope with myself thankfully.

Thunderbum I really disagree there has to be some enormous fault by the OP to make this explicable. I'm sure she'd be the first to agree she's not perfect as a parent and isn't innocent in that sense, but it is simply extremely common to have aggressive difficult teens, and when they are large men (18 years old) it can be very scary. I know one family, two lovely polite charming children and one child who is now in their forties and still as angry, rude, abusive and just awful behaving as ever. If the family did anything 'wrong' it was that they were too nice about it, too forgiving when called a 'cunt' or screamed at or letting their drug dealer partner around to stay. Some teens like that are just immature, and some have issues (mh, personality problems) and some just act like that because their parents let them.

The OP doesn't have to live with her adult child if she doesn't want to. I have met lots of very entitled children and the only thing that works is a good shove out of the nest. Otherwise they really do end up there in their thirties and forties, still depending on their parents for money, accommodation, I actually know several children like this except they are not children any more.

I agree with the person that said sometimes going away and living apart re-sets the parent/child relationship, that's why university is good for this, and it's a shame there's no natural break of this type for the OP.

I don't see any reason to doubt the OP's account though, if you are a mum and you have an adult male shouting you are a 'cunt', that's intimidating- and I don't think it's a poor me victim thing a lot of women especially on their own (single mums) do find it extremely hard to handle their teen sons in particular, as well as stroppy daughters, it's easier if there's two of you to make decisions, keep firm and lay out what won't be tolerated.

I don't really know anything about this, my dc aren't teenagers yet but the behaviour the op is describing sounds like an angry teen, not an abuser. There is a lot of indignation from some posters and it seems to me (with my no experience) that it's the communication that needs working on, not pompous notes about who is top dog. I expect the op and her son are both having a really hard time and the portrayal of the son as an abusive manipulator doesn't sit well with me.

thenapoleonofcrime x-post. maybe you're right.

Why do you label your own son as an abuser?

Because he called his mother a "psycho cunt".

That is abuse. It is not "labelling him" - it is merely being accurate.

OP split up with her partner because her son didn't like him. She is feeling vulnerable and isolated. Don't you think she deserves a little support and understanding rather than trying to make out she is the one at fault here? Some children do abuse their parents - because parents put up with their behaviour and are frightened to do anything about it - because they love their children and try to do the best for them.

OP has the right not to be subjected to her son's behaviour in her own home.

I think what is clear, whether you call it abuse or not, is extreme entitlement. Most people, if caught in the shower with a partner (oh god, just trying to imagine if my dad had caught me doing that aged 18, I would have been out on my ear as it was always made very clear to me- not under our roof) would be a bit embarrassed, say sorry, slink away perhaps and so on. It sounds like the Op's son is just very entitled, he thinks of the house as his, the food as his, the shower as his, and probably his mum's time and energy as his. In fact he's said he won't move out, he doesn't need to in his eyes as it is his house.

I agree that building up communication is the way forward, but I am not sure that can happen while he's under her roof. He needs his own place to kick about, have showers with his girlfriend, work out how much it costs to run a home.

This isn't about regaining who is top dog, it's setting minimum standards for behaviour in the home. I suspect actually the Op has been setting them very low for a long time which has led to this situation, and it is then harder to reset them, particularly with an adult male who can blow up and seem quite aggressive.

Thunderbum I have to chip in here again, as you say you have no experience of this type of behaviour (yet) and I hope you never do however, I'm willing to bet that nobody else here (particularly those who HAVE experienced these behaviours at the hands of their once darling children) shares your opinion. For instance I never went into parenting thinking 'well, when he puts me up against the wall at 15 because it's time for him to go to school and he has decided he can't be arsed because I have failed to accept that all his teachers are dickheads, I'll just play the victim and go on a forum so everyone can tell me they feel sorry for me'. Please tell me I've misread your post...

I wonder if you misunderstood what I was saying about top dog? I meant that it's common for a teen boy to fight for top dog position with a mother's partner not that the OP should be vying for top dog position with her own son?

tsonlyme I have seen that in my own family. I love your username, by the way, that's what I say when I phone someone!

Thank you, it's what I say when I come through the front door

I'm so sorry for you OP, you sound like a good person who has been shit on for far too long.
In your position I would say nothing to him at all and make it very clear I was very pissed off with him for a day or so until I got everything together to get him out of his pit in the morning to find you with a bag of his clothes and a letter for him to give to the LA housing team that you are making him homeless due to a breakdown in the relationship and he is not to return to your home and the offer of a lift to the local homeless office (This done in the morning so he isn't left with nowhere to go iyswim). If he doesn't leave you will call the police and ask for them to remove him.
If you're not ready for that step, I'd do the above, bag, letter etc and tell him he has one week. In which he will respect you, apologise for calling you a cunt, keep the house and his room tidy and contribute X amount. Girlfriend overnight once a week for x weeks. Otherwise housing office and police if he refuses.
The LA has to find a space for him if he presents as homeless and your letter will prove that. They cannot let him sleep rough for even one night.
I say leave it a day or so so you can look into making him homeless and his options then and also to get a morning/ day off work if you can to see this through, whichever option you took.
That's what I'd do anyway!

I have just woken up, had a super long nap, feel better.

Thunderbums questions are valid and have made me look to myself.

I hope her children don't turn out as my son when teens, as up until 12 my son was the most loving, well behaved child, achieving well at school and excelling at a sport he did. He hit 12 and it was like Jekyll and Hyde - whether it was peer influence from secondary school or puberty I don't know, but nothing at all had changed at home.

Why is your son so angry with you?
I have no idea why he is angry with me, he is fine until challenged when he loses it, shouts, swears, slams doors, breaks things - once went outside and kicked a dent in my car. The anger comes when he is challenged.

Why didn't he like your ex?
Between 9 and 12 he thought my ex was the best thing since sliced bread, he used to enjoy my ex showing him stuff like "man stuff" such as bike maintenance, how to mend things, we enjoyed family holidays, cinema trips, meals out, bike rides etc. come 12 and the bad behaviour my ex would back me up, and come into school with me to the meetings and support me. Son didn't like this, the high point (or rather low) was him accusing my ex of punching him (never happened) and the whole family underwent a police investigation and social care Assessment - no further action was taken. He would steal mine and my exes things and sell them, then look us in the eye and deny it when he was the only possible culprit. He threatened my ex with a knife. He took my exes youngest son and got him so drunk he needed hospitalising when he was 14 and my exes child was 12, with alcohol he stole from us. Who knows why he hates my partner - I think my partner had every reason to hate him.

Why do you see yourself as a victim?
I don't, which is why my relationship with his dad ended the instant he punched me. Which is why I didn't just leave them to their shower and go and hide myself in my bedroom. I am not a victim which is why I am not willing to put up with this. Actually that statement is offensive, there but for the grace of God goes you Thunderbum in ten/fifteen years time.

Why do you label your own son as an abuser?
Because he has verbally abused me and intimidated me. He is much bigger and taller than me. He had a history of threatening my partner with a knife and accusing him falsely. He is abusive. Not physically YET.

I guess I could come across as blaming him and feeling sorry for myself - it is the horrible juxtaposition of your much loved child, with all the cherished memories since bitty, behaving in a way you would not tolerate from anybody else.

Bitty lol the most awful auto correct!!
Birth!!!
At least something has made me laugh today