DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

Or is trying to justify staying in a not too dissimilar marriage. :(

Reproducing Lweji's response here for the benefit of latecomers:

Lweji Wed 24-Jun-15 23:41:11

For context:

"This morning he went to the gym early before work, but came home after the gym instead of going straight to work. He got back into bed (the bed I'd just made) instead of spending a bit of time with DD."
"He went to work late & didn't make the bed after himself. I feel like I have to follow him around tidying up his mess. Or he follows me around messing up my tidying!!"
"He definitely wanted a family (probably him more than me initially)"
Nov 2014

Your parents:
"decided he's controlling"
"my mum text me saying "I gather your boss is back"... My dad talks about "other people" being controlling & always thinking they're right (I know he's referring to my hubby)."
"It just annoys me how they can be so wrong but think they are right." (are they wrong, really?)
May 2014

"Then he handed me £50 & said "that's for your birthday"."
"I make a huge effort for his birthday, with cards & presents from our daughter & me, etc. I plan it for months."
April 2014

"DH has sourced two tickets to see Man Utd. I hate football. He said the tickets can be his Christmas present from me to hi. Fine. However, he wants me to go with him (also fine-ish), but I personally can't think of anything worse... but I'd go & would make it look like I was enjoying it, for his sake. I can put on a good act.
However, I know him very well (& have been in similar situations with him before)...I just know he will try & claim this is MY Christmas present too!confused he'll call it a "trip away for the two of us"."
Dec 2014

Indeed a great husband. Not controlling. Great dad too.

I'd listen to your parents.

-------

That would be the same parents the OP's dh has borrowed a considerable sum from.

It seems to me Jabbsy and the OP should put rings through the noses of their prize specimens and exhibit them to the similarly deluded easily impressed.

Oh dear Lweji. That's a familiar pattern.

OP, I know a story with some similarities to yours; including the very small children, and the over optimistic husband who suddenly decided to start a business. Except that the wife didn't ask advice, and she hung on in there.

The business failed badly. The marriage broke up. He blamed everyone else, for everything. Including his ex, whom he claimed never supported him ( she did; and she also exhausted herself trying to bring up the little ones single handedly. While he crashed and burned his business, and lost them their home).

He did worse to his ex, of course, because he was a controlling bully, but I won't bore you with that. Suffice to say he soon found someone else to buy his story, follow him onto his next doomed venture, and produce more children with him. And he owed plenty of money, to all manner of people, which would never be repaid.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, OP. I am saying that if any of this starts to happen to you, or if any of it starts to look familiar, please do not be that woman. Look out for yourself and your children - don't wait for things to improve.

Oh dear.

Honestly do not buy straighteners although am not convinced you'll be getting compliments on your natural glow unless your friends are on whatever Jabbsy is

You will need all the money you have for food and bills. I know I keep saying it but honestly cashflow is the killer.

We sold a house and used our equity for the first few years of our business - it is risky and incredibly hard work. And my DH had clients/work set up before he left his job and I was still working in a well paid job.

Seeing the posts upthread though I now see why you're not rushing to tell people/family - you know they'll all be thinking if not saying 'told you so'.

I really hope it works out for you but you need to be realistic.

50% go under within the first twelve months, usually due to cash flow, the banks are very strict these days, not like pre recession where you could ring up speak to the business manager and walk out the door with a figure overdraft...
It may work , it may not, I encouraged my wife to work as a full time contractor to the NHS, we had two young babies, a shed load of debt and she jumped in feet first got herself established and now every thing is ok and stable.. My neighbour left a management position to set up a rival medical supplies company, when the recession came and the banks pulled their funding he had a tough time, loosing nearly everything, now he has a warehouse with 50 staff and drives around in either an AMG or an ASTON MARTIN.. My business was dormant for 2 yrs, but since April work is flooding in, just need to speed up the invoicing and payment process..

Businesses are like a fruit machine, you need to put money in to get money out and maybe he wants the autonomy to do things his own way...

Where is his capital coming from? To hold a conference you need to put down deposits on venues etc - with no guarantee of tickets being sold.

Please talk to your parents, you need support.

It looks to me as he is probably an awful controlling bully, but as you OP have been playing nicely along, he hasn't had to act on it too much.
He has given you strong hints, though.

Talk to your parents and friends. They will probably be more concerned about you and the children than about "being right". (unlike your OH)

Well Lweji, imagine my surprise.

OP I also think TheCraic has made some very good points about the work he will expect you to do when he's working from home .

My dad talks about "other people" being controlling & always thinking they're right (I know he's referring to my hubby)."
"It just annoys me how they can be so wrong but think they are right." (are they wrong, really?)

They are right.

MummyKWP, do come back and let us know how you get on won't you? I hope everything's all right. (I also would pay no attention to a bar set this low!!)

Thanks Butterly, I will let you know how everything goes. Thank you.

Yeah listen to Jabbsy. When a guy treats you with zero respect and deliberately leaves your family up shit creek without a paddle when you're 5 months pregnant, you should definitely support him more.

Getting angry at him for treating you like shit might hurt his feelings and make him feel bad about himself.

You should put this on your walls.

It seems to be going well at the minute (I hesitate to say). He's set up meetings with leaders in their field & is at one of those meetings today. This guy he's meeting today runs a multi national company & may be interested in becoming title sponsors. Negotiations are underway as we speak. The person he's meeting today has also offered him work separately (details to be finalised, but we might know more by the end of the day).

DH has already arranged the venue (free of charge due to the publicity they'd get), he's arranged the accommodation for the attendees (part of the fee to go to the hotel, the rest to DH's business), and he's put out a number of requests for funding.

Attendees are confirmed, speakers are confirmed. Website is imminent.

My worry is that I haven't seen any evidence of a steady income yet & as many of you have said it could be months before that happens (IF it happens)

Things do seem to be moving very quickly & moving in the right direction, thankfully.

^ MummyKWP, so money has already been paid in? That would be good.

Have you seen any of this or has he told you?
he's arranged the accommodation for the attendees (part of the fee to go to the hotel, the rest to DH's business) that'd be very impressive, if true. It's far more usual to offer the rooms at a discounted rate - might have to try that one out.

So you are still living on air, or off your parents' backs? Yeah, that sounds great.

Fantastic - sounds as though he's off to a great start and is really motivated to get this to work.

Best of luck to you!

DH has already arranged the venue (free of charge due to the publicity they'd get), he's arranged the accommodation for the attendees (part of the fee to go to the hotel, the rest to DH's business), and he's put out a number of requests for funding.

Which begs the question of why he needed to borrow a considerable sum from your dps - and why not from his own parents?

Lweji, I'm so glad you took the time to trawl through endless history looking for evidence to back up your opinion and prove me wrong. Thanks. I hate taking posts in a thread at face value without being bothered to stalk all their history like some kind of elderflower lemonade control freak husband.

And now I'm the one in the wrong and being criticised for having a great, normal, relationship that's nothing to do with anyone else unless I want it to be or feel like a whinge at some point. You've made a fucking brilliant point as to why it's never a good idea to say something on a public forum unless you want judging and to have a bad mood thrown in your face at a later date. So thanks for the heads up. Good job. Love your work. Pat yourself on the back and cheers.

I'm routing for your fella to become a millionaire now Mummykwp, just so you know.

That would be lovely jabbsy and hopefully compensate the OP somewhat for the lack of equality in their relationship and his idleness around the home (she'll be able to hire a cleaner at least).

IF what your DH is telling you is true OP then I am cautiously optimistic for you.
I really hope it works out but even if it doesn't it's not your financial problems solved rather than the other ones.

Lweji, I'm so glad you took the time to trawl through endless history looking for evidence to back up your opinion and prove me wrong.

There aren't many posts by MummyKWP, actually, and iirc all the threads she has started are complaining about her OH.

I have no interest in proving you wrong. The thread is not about you.

I think it's important to have a context in which to place this thread to give proper advice.
and I thought you might be the OP's sockpuppet and wanted to check it out before reporting to MN. Still not 100% sure...

Yeah, hun, stand by ur man no matter wot. He's a diamond cuz he doesnt beat u or cheat. Hope u win the lottery. LOL. Hugz, hun.