DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

Your hair is probably beautiful in its natural just washed glowing state... You just can't see it. Leave it au naturel tomorrow. Bet you get a compliment.

....although if you've been pulling it out with stress these past few days, you might just look more like a haggard witch but know, no-one will SAY that to you!!! :)

I really hear where you're coming from, it's awful... but you know. We are women. We are strength personified. Boys are idiots lets face it... but encourage them to perform instead of accusing them of failing and you can pretty much guarantee they will beat their chests, build fire and bring home a huge great stag!!!

I'm playing of course, but there is a truth to men are from mars, women from Venus. I don't care what anyone says about my outdated viewpoint. Support works better than anger in every situation.

Am I correct in assuming that at a time when your dh had good reason to be dissatisfied with his current employers and when you could have returned to work with a view to supporting him in a business venture that would have enabled him to have left a clearly stressful working environment, you chose to have another child?

Boys are idiots lets face it...

I have a better opinion of men.

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/red-Mini-Ceramic-Hair-Curl-Straightener-Flat-Iron-Perm-Splint-Tourmaline-one-/271911016484?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item3f4f28d824

When it comes down to it, there's often no such thing as men. They all act like boys at some point or over some subject or other. I think until the time that become granddads.

I'm often of the same school of thought - i.e. If there's nothing you can do about it now then just make the best of the situation.

Making the best of this situation probably doesn't involve throwing your (and your children's) lot in with a man who you can't trust and who doesn't respect you.

Deciding you have no option but to accept this kind of treatment and "get on board" with the idea that you are his appendage and exist purely to "support" him (similar to your own parents and their cash) seems more of a counsel of despair than making your own choices about the kind of life you want to provide for your children.

You wouldn't have to worry about basic grooming if you separated from the man who currently runs your life.

Your options are not

a) passive depression
b) passive acceptance

You could actually stick up for yourself and your children against Mr Ego.

Are you channelling the 1950s or do you live in Stepford, jabby?

Goddessofsmallthings - no, that's not correct.
I have told him time & time again that I am MORE than happy to go back to work. I am ANYTHING BUT work shy.
He has always maintained that he doesn't want me to do that, as it was our JOINT decision for me to bring up our DD. It was also a JOINT decision for US to get pregnant (obviously!) In fact, he was more up for it than me! He'd like 3 kids! I'm drawing the line at 2, after this.

Thank you for the eBay link jabbsy! You're too good

Support works better than anger in every situation.

Except when it's such a monumentally stupid and selfish decision that you need a bit of anger to realise, "fuck this shit, you can't treat me and my parents' money as an afterthought".

Real world goddess, where a partnership means more than ego. Where if you're there for them when they need you, they will be there for you... not evident this last week in this case, but surely evident in their last ten years together. Thick and thin. Have each other's backs. Forget the hard done by attitude over materialism and concentrate on the reality of having and being a best friend. He hasn't beaten her. He hasn't cheated on her. He's reached the end of a tether and done something drastic and possibly stupid but with the best of intentions I'm sure.

Two choices, run away when the going gets tough or pull it together and come out stronger than ever. Together. In tact. Life is never easy. But it's easier to share the burden than double it.

Ahh yes, stand by your man OP. It doesn't matter what he has done. Support him .

If only he was pulling together, supporting her and had her back...

Oh, I forgot that's just the women's job. a man can have his pride and ego and behave like a boy no matter what it costs those around him .

Talk about minimising his actions. There just aren't enough rolling eyes.

So you can just as easily dismiss their last ten years together and throw it all away?

There really aren't enough rolling eyes, you definitely got that right at least.

You deserve better than to be treated like this by him MummyKWP.

Why???

Because he's a great dad, great husband, been there for ten years, not cheated, not beaten her, faced a tough situation and tried to do his best to make it better but so far failed, but willing to try still....

Mummykwp.... It's your life. Your decision. Only you know what's right or wrong for you. I'll step out the thread now. Good luck and best wishes though. And hope the hairs ok tomorrow! :)

Thanks for your support jabbsy. It's really appreciated.

Thanks for all the other feedback too - I'm grateful people are taking the time to try & help with advice etc. Whatever it may be

This seems to have become one of those threads that should have gone to nethuns.

been there for ten years, not cheated, not beaten her

Is this the benchmark for a great dad and husband?

Because he's a great dad, great husband

"He already doesn't do a hell of a lot with regards to childcare or looking after the house (regardless of it being a weekend etc)"
"There doesn't seem to be a lot of teamwork to be honest. He thinks there is, but really he's the one making the decisions & if I air my concerns then I'm "not supporting him" or "don't have faith in him"."

Sounds just great.

"I know he loves the fact I can bring up the kids"
I bet he does.
Because then he gets to make all the decisions, as he is earning, and he has to do nothing at home, because he is working, and he also has a new "business" that takes up his time.
Because he's the "man", even though in fact he is a kid and must be treated like one. But also as a "man".

I have great hopes for your future with him.

Been there for ten years and not beaten her. Wow your bar is low.

And no he isn't a good father. He's just left them without any income. He doesn't do any childcare. How is he a good father? Bar very low there too.

And no he doesn't appear willing to try. He wants to leave them to it.

And he is the one dismissing the last ten years of the OP's support. He can't even have the respect to allow her to be part of a major decision that is going to affect her and the children.

You don't think she deserves better than that?

Dear god!

Mummy, seriously you are showing him quite enough support. He is completely out of order to suggest you aren't. You have every right to question what he is doing. You have every right to be angry. And you have every right to respect in your relationship and an equal partnership.

You can't fix this by yourself and if he is unwilling to engage with you and treat you with respect then the relationship is going to die anyway. Or a part of you will die papering over the cracks, ignoring your needs and wants.

I don't think you can class being worried how you're going to pay your rent and feed your toddler (plus the one on the way) as a "hard done by attitude over materialism" though. Those are 100% legit concerns. The reality of the situation is they're going to use up OP's mum and dads' savings on living costs until the business starts turning over any cash. And that's turnover, not profit. What are you then going to use to actually set up the business? Like kitting out an office? Getting a mobile phone/office line? Monthly charge for a business bank account? IT support? Hire of venues if he's running conference things? Some of these are small costs, but they add up to a couple of hundred quid every single month before you start taking a salary.

I think it's great he has a vision and enthusiasm and all that. But starting up on your own is a long hard slog, you have to put enough by in the good years to survive through the bad ones. And this job, with its salary and pension, those were the good years. He could have used the situation with work to his advantage, left on good terms and negotiated a retainer with the supportive CEO which would allow him to hit the ground running with one firm client. Instead he's sailing close to the wind and risking getting himself a rep as a hot headed princess who didn't like taking instructions -like being on time for work!- from superiors. That's a serious lack of judgement and I'm afraid there's not many that could sit back and say, "I'll leave it to you darling, I trust you", on that basis.

I would tell him I am starting looking for a job this week.
Once I get the job he takes over childcare and after the baby is born he looks after both.

I can't see any alternatives IMHO and he has to understand that there are consequences to his actions.

For context:

"This morning he went to the gym early before work, but came home after the gym instead of going straight to work. He got back into bed (the bed I'd just made) instead of spending a bit of time with DD."
"He went to work late & didn't make the bed after himself. I feel like I have to follow him around tidying up his mess. Or he follows me around messing up my tidying!!"
"He definitely wanted a family (probably him more than me initially)"
Nov 2014

Your parents:
"decided he's controlling"
"my mum text me saying "I gather your boss is back"... My dad talks about "other people" being controlling & always thinking they're right (I know he's referring to my hubby)."
"It just annoys me how they can be so wrong but think they are right." (are they wrong, really?)
May 2014

"Then he handed me £50 & said "that's for your birthday"."
"I make a huge effort for his birthday, with cards & presents from our daughter & me, etc. I plan it for months."
April 2014

"DH has sourced two tickets to see Man Utd. I hate football. He said the tickets can be his Christmas present from me to hi. Fine. However, he wants me to go with him (also fine-ish), but I personally can't think of anything worse... but I'd go & would make it look like I was enjoying it, for his sake. I can put on a good act.
However, I know him very well (& have been in similar situations with him before)...I just know he will try & claim this is MY Christmas present too!confused he'll call it a "trip away for the two of us"."
Dec 2014

Indeed a great husband. Not controlling. Great dad too.

I'd listen to your parents.

Ohhh, controversial Lweji!

Another angle which I don't know if any one has considered is how much actual work you might have to do, on top of the SAHM stuff.

"Do you think you could answer the office phone for me? It just sounds, you know, like we're a bigger set up if there's a receptionist taking messages."

"Darling, just got out of that meeting with those clients; can I dictate an email to you over the handsfree while I drive? I want to follow up immediately."

"Could you bring these cheques to the bank? Oh and could you call X Conference Centre to firm up those details before I go into this meeting?"

From what you've said, he will need a minion as there will be tasks he'll consider beneath his skill set. And as he can't afford to take on anyone those tasks will fall to you. Complain and you'll be cast as the unsupportive witch who won't pull her weight. You won't get to be a full time mother as planned but you won't get a salary or a break from him either. It is literally the worst of both worlds.

I think Jabbsy thinks she's touched down in the Surrendered Wife forum.

Nah poppy, thats where she came from!