DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

I would not go back to work and leave him as primary carer, either. As, 1) you say he does nothing in the house 2) he doesn't look after his child 3) he will neglect them in favour of what he wants to do 4) when you finally split from his arse, he will come after you for maintenance.

You need to tell someone and start thinking about splitting from him. He has no respect for you or your kids and you cannot trust him.

They definitely want to talk to him because of the bullying mentioned in his letter.

Someone who can't get into work on time does not sound like a natural entrepreneur, I must say.

Since he seems to have refused to work his notice and has made an allegation of bullying, HR will have no choice but to call him in for a meeting. You can't just walk out of a job when you feel like it Even if a company asks you to take gardening leave, they still have an exit interview with you. However as a PP pointed out, your DH has proven himself to be untrustworthy so God only knows what the interview is about.

Tell people in RL what has happened. Don't cover for him. He needs to face the reality of what he has done and the more people that know, the less he can hide from his rash decision making. Also, it might help drum up some clients for him or/and someone may offer you some PT work. Neither of you can afford to be in denial about this.

Did DH tell anyone there he was unhappy before he resigned?

Are they perhaps going to offer a severance payment in return for his agreementnot to pursue any claims in a tribunal or court? .

Have you seen the letter he wrote? Tbh I would suspect there is more to his decision, if he was casual about timekeeping for example he may well be on a disciplinary process already. Agree with pp that he seems completely selfish in this decision and over optimistic about his chances of success with the business. It may even be that he isn't permitted contractually to use certain business information or contacts from his role and the company are expecting confirmation of this from his.

I really feel for you OP.

Please don't keep this to yourself though. Its not a secret, and it will help you. Don't accept any criticism - say "yes I agree I think its a bad idea too" and send all the criticism your DH's way. Why should you protect him from other people's opinions of his actions?

By the way, if my DH ever told me we were "over", we would be.

Actually, thinking about it, I would tell DH that unless he mends relations with his employer and gets his job back, you will be looking for temp work, and that once you find temp work he will be in charge of child-care. He can start up his business in any odd bits of free-time he might find during naps/DVDs etc.

I know that doesn't solve anything once the baby's here. But it might bring home to him some of the consequences of his choice.

The employer may well treat the letter as a technical request to start a grievance process. They will want to ascertain the truth of the bullying accusations.

If his employers are offering him a straw he should grab it with both hands clutch it.

It's time for him to grow up climb off his high horse, divest himself of grandiose ideas which won't pay the bills in the here and now, and work WITH you to plan the best possible future for both of you and your dc.

This may mean he continues to be an employee for the foreseeable future, but that scenario offers scope for change when/if you go back to work and doesn't mean that he can't continue to develop his business plan in his spare time.

In other words, you will support him when he puts his/your marriage and the needs of your dc before his ambition to become self-employed.

If he's not willing to do this Sylvanians has provided a script the most apt advice and you'll be considerably better off on benefits if you leave him than you will be if you stay with him.

It's to be hoped that somewhere in the above consideration is given to repaying your dps at the earliest opportunity.

'He told me we were over last night. I think my "lack of support" pushed him to say it.

I don't think he means it though - he's live in a pig sty if I wasn't here & he would have to actually look after DD on his own a night or two a week - that's be a foreign concept to him' Time to show him what his action mean. Stop doing anything for him, washing/cooking put his junk in his office so it's not lying around.

'you will be looking for temp work, and that once you find temp work he will be in charge of child-care. He can start up his business in any odd bits of free-time he might find during naps/DVDs etc.'

The man does nothing in the home and does not look after his children at all. What will happen is this woman will go out and work, he will plonk the toddler in front of CBeebies and she will also be expected to do everything else because he needs time to focus on his business.

She has already stated she has been doing everything to accommodate his needs.

Best to tell him to leave and claim benefit until she is able to go back to work after the baby is born.

His choosing to live in a pig sty is his lookout.

Expat is right.

The chances of this marriage lasting are not high.

Turning yourself into the secondary carer and creating a precedent that you support him financially would be madness at this point.

Only look for work after you've kicked him out.

Mummykwp.... I really honestly think you need to get off this website with its poisonous thoughts interrupting your insecure and terrified feelings right now and go listen to your husband and support him and try and see things from his side. Forgive what he has done and let him talk to you. If he feels bullied at work enough to quit, you really think you listening to opinions on here and letting them do the thinking for you when you're vulnerable is the best course of action in sickness and in health for richer for poorer????

Fine he's a moron, fine he's done a stupid thing.... but you really hate him and your life together so much you're gonna add to the pile of shit he's going through??? Sounds like the guy is about to have a goddam breakdown.

What will be Will be, stop trying to map it all out and just be there today. You're a team. Whatever mistakes have been made. Nothing is perfect, what's done is done.... this place is venomous to your current situation.

'this place is venomous to your current situation.'

Yep, he's a really terrific addition to the team, not a shit giving about the money you owe, his obligation to his children, to his family, to the homelife.

All that is the situation as it stands, giving him a hard time over something he probably knows and can see for himself quite clearly is only going to add to the pressure cooker.

It's up to OP but I think it's entirely useless being here instead of there. They've been together over ten years. Still obviously get along enough for OP to be pregnant. What's more important, this place and its destructive opinions or home, life and a partnership that's in trouble and needs attention.

Pregnancy can affect men as much as it can women, let's not forget that.

Pregnancy can affect men as much as it can women

Er... no it can't.

FFS

Let's see, OP has stated he has issues with his supervisors, feels he doesn't get the respect he thinks he is due as he had to take a lower-level job, he doesn't show up on time or do what he is told at work, he does no house work or childcare, he threatens to leave the OP over her wanting to know what the hell is going on or how they will pay for food and rent, her role is to go along with whatever he wants, but the poor darling, it's just his pregnancy hormones.

Thank you all - I appreciate all your feedback. I'm flipping between the two trains of thought being offered on here to be honest.

I'm in a better state of mind today than I was yesterday. It's possibly down to the call he got from work.

He's a trustworthy person in general (as in he doesn't lie/cheat etc), but I know his actions recently haven't been trustworthy (i.e. Leaving his job so abruptly & apparently without any thought for his family or my opinion on the matter).

He's a very charitable man & will do anything for anyone to help them out & doesn't expect anything in return (except doing housework or childcare for us!) I know I've made him out to be a shit & I suppose his recent actions have supported that theory! But he's always trying to do things for the greater good (the business idea reflects that - I'm afraid I can't go into too much detail about it as I don't want to jeopardise it now that I've ruined his fan base)

I'm not trying to defend his actions as I know what he's done is highly irresponsible & the way he spoke to me (his pregnant wife) last night is close to unforgivable, but I feel like it may have come from a place of deep stress & anxiety on his part. It'll take me a while to push it to the back of my mind, but his words & actions since have been much more "sane".

He's open to talking to his employer, as they've requested, and he's open to negotiating with them if that's what they want. He'd like to come to an arrangement that means he can get even a part time wage from them & work on the business the rest of the time, or be appointed at a level more relevant to his experience (he was promised a promotion, but they pulled out & denied promising him the role - that manager has since left)

Some more background (sorry for drip feeding!) - he already took out a grievance against his employer due to the bullying, but nothing much came of it as it was an internal investigation & was flawed. On appeal, it was discovered they didn't follow due process with regards to the investigation so it was totally flawed. The process went on for close to a year so, to avoid any further stresses (ironic now!) he decided to just leave it if they offered a letter of apology, which he got. He was seconded out of the "toxic" environment, but was moved to a location a long commute away, so that has added to his stress & of course means less time to put into the business. And he's still bitter about not being at the level he should have been appointed at. The "bullying" claims did all start from not being given that role & then his time keeping being monitored (he felt the two things were linked - I'm not sure)

He's already made good in-roads into the business - has built strong contacts, potential clients, is on the steering group of a business forum that meet monthly etc.

Some may think I'm defending him here. Some may think I've been unfair to him not mentioning all this before. But as you can see it's a lot of info & I felt it irrelevant at the time of writing my previous posts, because the reality is still the same - he's left us without a wage at a very vulnerable time & there's still no guarantee that the business will make money. There's nobody more driven, passionate & dedicated to making it a success than he is. He's doing all the right things (business wise) so I can't altogether blame him if it does ultimately fail, but I still feel incredibly nervous & untrusting with regards to him leaving us without an income at this time.

Being unable to pay my parents back is also a huge burden for me, but he seems less bothered, which also annoys me. He's almost unappreciative of their loan (a huge amount to them)

I guess charity doesn't begin at home then.

He'll perform his "I'll do anything for anyone" act in public, but he treats you like shit and thinks he's entitled to your elderly parents' money.

Mummykwp... I bet you he feels more about the loan than he lets on. He's a man. They have pride. It's kind of embarrassing for them!! But also, if your parents really couldn't afford it, I'm sure they wouldn't have offered, and I'm sure they are more than confident they will get it back... It's done now so let it go and concentrate on getting yourselves into a position where you can get back on your feet together.

It sounds like a lot of mistakes have been made and the timing isn't the best. You're in the trimester where everything is panic induced x10. I'm not saying it's your fault or your hormones, please don't get me wrong... but this stress is no good for you or the baby. You are kind of over a barrel and he's a proper moron for putting you in that position, but it's done. It does no good at all to make the situation worse by leaving, arguing, going mental angry at him. You have to give him a chance, against every grain in your body screaming how wrong it is. I'm sure he knows. I'm sure he's hating himself for it. Especially if it's been going on for so long. The pregnancy probably made him panic even more, knowing when baby comes, things are going to be even more intense. Pregnancy does affect men too, only selfish hard bitches would think otherwise.

I'm glad you're defending him. You love him. You should. What's the point in being together if you don't have each other's backs, even when one of you'd does fuck up.

It will all be fine. Take it a little at a time, bigger pictures are not all that when you think about it... You miss the little details.

I've been going through similar recently so don't think I'm just talking crap... my best friend reminded me a partner who loves me and is a best friend to me for better or worse is so much more valuable than one who cheats, lies, steals and material stuff comes and goes, there's no value to it.

I know, my heads screaming but what about bills and food on the table too.... I just have faith that will sort itself and I won't end up on the street. And there's always family and friends who will be there if we get stuck. That's what friends and family do.

He'll perform his "I'll do anything for anyone" act in public, but he treats you like shit and thinks he's entitled to your elderly parents' money.

I agree. And this is a red flag.

Thread very carefully and protect yourself financially.

Thanks jabbsy.
That's a nice way to put it.
I'm often of the same school of thought - i.e. If there's nothing you can do about it now then just make the best of the situation. You can either panic, stress & allow yourself to sink into a depression about the state of your finances & family life & potential marriage breakdown...
Or...
You can be supportive & work hard& help him try to ENSURE this business succeeds by being on board.

It's very difficult not to do the former, I have to admit. But I do believe we're in control of our own happiness - we can choose to be happy or not (despite what life/husbands!) throw at us!
And stressing isn't going to do me, the baby or DD any good.

Although it's difficult not to just walk away & leave him to his own mess

On another less serious note, my hair straighteners broke today & I'm scared to spend the £15 on a new set incase I need that £15 for food for the family! So here's to a frizzy (and therefore even less confident) mother!

I do sincerely hope he deserves your trust and your good will.

You do deserve a good outcome.

I'm only afraid that he will continue to disregard you.
This is the time for clear and strong boundaries, if you are to support him.

You cannot serve two masters at a time, either depressing job,or make a courageous decision to go solo.

I would support second decision any day.