DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

I think OP should find some support in the real world instead of looking for it here, because fuck me, she didn't get it.

Oh, and isn't OP a journalist? Here you go OP, a great little piece on the support to be found on mumsnet.

How about you show her your support instead of attacking other people who have actually took the trouble of reading through the OP's posts, think about them and offer suggestions.

It's fine if you disagree with most people on this thread, but what are your opinions on what the OP is going through?

MummyKWP has received support. No one has attacked her. She's not ready to hear the advice. And that is her perogative. She doesn't actually have to take it.

But IME those who start a number of threads about individual issues with their partners are just getting started on joining the dots.

And we aren't the only people worried about how she's being treated. Her parents are too. And they are there in RL.

This man is a failure and always will be. He is selfish, lazy and arrogant and not only will he drag you (and your parents) down into poverty, but he will then find himself another insecure, vulnerable woman with a bit of equity or decent life savings and move on to bleed her dry as well.

I think the main lesson being taught here is that the internet does not care about you and is not emotionally invested in making things better in your life. A bunch of strangers do not care if the advice they are giving is terrible and only going to serve to make things 10x worse. It will judge you and hold you to ransom for every word you ever write. I personally am grateful for the reminder no stranger gives a real shit about my personal situation so don't bother giving any detail away, they will write and run because it doesn't affect them on any scale whatsoever.

I almost forgot mumsnet isn't human.

Being "Your own boss" means you are not micro managed by some nit picking twat and in reality you are in control of every aspect of your working life, how much work you do, how long you spend at work and your payment terms...
Owning and running a business however small, is no mean feat and is a great achievement, certainly more satisfying than "A career"..

Certain Mumsnetters seem to have an issue with business start ups and of course men in general, hence the LTB being thrown about for every single issue..

Unfortunately many women who do say LTB (or at least prepare yourself to do it) have been there. Recognise the signs of someone who is all talk and no action. Who thinks of himself rather his family.
Unfortunately, those women are very human and have suffered after years and years of support for those men.

OP, you have got different perspectives, you know what your options are.
We all know that breaking up our families breaks our hearts too. Some of us have done it and know exactly what is involved. But also know what good (and what bad) can result from it. You have had testimonies of people who have started their own businesses.
I'm sure you can make the best choice for you and your children. The main thing is not to let anyone take that choice away from you. Not even your OH.

And certainly get real life support too. From people who know you and your family and have your best interests at heart.

Bollocks, frank. Several posters run their own business or have spouses who do.

I don't think many people here believe in the sanctity of marriage, or traditional vows made to each other during the ceremony. That obviously makes me a stepford wife of any other number of insults thrown my way though.

So she has a marital duty to support him regardless of the implications of his unilateral actions? Really ?

Did he love, honour and cherish her when he threw away the family income without discussion?

I see both view points.

However, I know he did it for the good of our family, not just to follow his dreams.

He was miserable where he was - and that was no good for any of us.

His wage literally only covered rent & bills (despite it being quite a good wage, it was still just one wage for the household), so he sees this as an opportunity to make a better life for his family. Not usually grounds for divorce, as risky & reckless as it might have been.

I'm still not happy about it, and it could leave us in a very vulnerable position, but I know he did it for our family, ultimately. It might fail, it might work out, who knows?

The 8 years prior to my posts have been fantastic - when I worked full time too he did all the cooking & shopping & I did the cleaning (because I'm better at it!)

Someone mentioned he was "lazy". That part isn't true - for the last few months he wakes up at 5am & does work on the business, leaves the house at 7.30am for work, gets back at 6.30pm and then works on the business until around midnight.

OK, I don't agree with his rash behaviour with regards to jacking in a steady wage & pensionable job, and as I've said before, he certainly isn't perfect (nor am I), but I'm not sure he should be hung, drawn & quartered....yet!

Yes frank that is total crap.
I have my a business and so does my husband, I know exactly what starting one (or 2) involved and the stress it causes - even if you have backers and savings to live on, which isn't the case here.
Most people don't have a problem with someone wanted to leave a Job and start a business, it's the total lack of regard for OP's opinions and concerns that are making people criticise her husband.
P

frank your description of running a business is nothing like my DH's experience (and he's been self-employed for 30 years) or my experience of running a business for over 15 years.

No-one here is anti-business. And the points about planning; cashflow; funding, etc, are not only valid but essential to running a successful business (especially in events).

No hanging and drawing. Only a recommendation that you don't close your eyes and hope for the best - and you sound too sensible for that. You wouldn't be on here asking advice if that was your attitude.

You are in a high risk situation financially and personally though. Your DH is a novice entrepreneur. You have debts, which your DH is not concerned about: and 'securing funding' is just a friendly term for more debts. It isn't a team decision either: it's been made unilaterally, while you have a young family.

So it would be irresponsible for us to just say, hang in there, it'll all be fine. Keep your wits about you. Some of us have been where you are, in various ways.

Good luck

Hang in there, it might be fine. In sickness and in health for richer for poorer... to love honour and cherish by moving to your country, being bullied in a job for two years... oops, sorry I can't keep it up being miserable knowing we have another child on the way and I want to be happier, provide more for all of us, essentially make things better, sorry I was rash but you might have talked me out of it and another year of this, I might have quit life with you all together cos I'd have had a mental breakdown. Please stick with me... it'll be ok, I promise. And if it's not, I will find another way to fix it.

The worst thing he's done is not said it like that. But he's a man. They keep a lot of panic inside.

Jabbsy, funnily enough, he has said it like that since!

Trackrbird, thank you for putting it like that. You've made a good point, but it was nicely put! And I will take it on board. You didn't make me feel like a fool of a doormat who needs to get rid of the horrendously evil DH asap!
I'll be cautious, like you suggest.
But perhaps cautiously optimistic (as jabbsy suggests), as that's my only real choice for the good of our whole family.

It's unfortunate the way it was approached, but it's done now. My negativity is only going to hinder any chances he might have of making a success of it.

Good for you.

As I said before, I did the same 20 years ago when I was the main breadwinner (although not to set up in business) my DP (as he was at the time) understood it's not in my nature to do that and I had to or I'd snap.

The the result may be the same, but the motivation is vital. I'd rather go bankrupt than ever see my DH break.

Clearly the majority on here have had their views coloured by their own cocklodgers or reading about others.

All the best for you future

For richer or poorer - yes but usually this doesn't include using up parent's savings as well.

It seems to me that most people would prioritise paying back their ILs before jacking in their jobs and setting up their own businesses.

Hope it all works out OP.

But he's a man

The moment this is a supporting post in your argument, you lose all credibility IMO.

im sure they dont need a bunch of STRANGERS on the internet fighting their battle for them

Oh, did I miss something? Are you not a stranger on the internet who appears to be fighting for the OP? Hmmm....

oh bore off!

My, aren't you eloquent....

The OP will do what she wants. She asked for opinions, she got them. Loads of different people on MN, with loads of different opinions. You, jabbsy on the other hand, seem to be far too invested in this. The OP is, after all, a stranger on the internet.

parents wouldnt have lent money if they couldnt afford it

Unless you know the parents, you are in no position to make such a claim.

People often lend money they can't really afford to lend. Often because they feel guilted or browbeaten into it.

They also lent money to a man with a job. Now their debtor has given up his only income, so they might not get paid back at all, and even if they do it is likely to be far later than they thought when they made the loan.

These are not wealthy people. They might be seriously inconvenienced by this "loan" to a man whose own wife says he doesn't see paying them back as a priority.

You have constantly been on the attack on this thread, jabbsy.
Quite abusive to other pps and bordering on personnal attacks.
People here are offering their opinion and putting forward different arguments and points of view.

Are you ok?
Maybe a cup of camomile tea? Or some counselling for whatever is troubling you?

As I often say, one of the best things about Mumsnet is the number of women it has collectively helped to dump inadequate or abusive partners. Most of the rest of the world tells women to 'work on the relationship' ie placate, indulge and obey the man - and however awful he is, being more submissive, losing weight, opening your legs and doing all the housework and never ever questioning or criticising your lord and master is a worthwhile price to pay just so you are not single.
So the fact that women can post on MN and not just be told that it's OK to get rid of an unsatisfactory man but also to be given practical advice on how to move on, is a brilliant resource.
OP: when you're ready to get rid, MN will be here for you. Good luck.