DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

You know what's worse than a job you hate?

Being bankrupt, losing your home and not being able to feed your family.

And he doesn't sound like e hates it, he sounds like someone who was overlooked for promotion but doesn't understand it's his attitude holding him back. (the comment about demanding respect...)

He needs to be a grown up. He has borrowed money from your parents. He has no plan - where is next weeks groceries coming from? How long before he can make money? Why not take a few months to save and have the baby first? Why not cut down to part time while building the business first?

ExH did this when I was a SAHM with two DC under 2, but it wasn't to start a business. He got a new job that required him to live away from home and only come back every other weekend. He didn't discuss the resignation or the new job with me at all note: that wasn't why we split up but it didn't help!

If he really has quit, pp suggestion of getting his business plan analysed by different people is a good one. That, and implicating yourself in the business.

Maybe try trusting him and then if it works out, he won't be able to say told you so. If it doesn't work out, he will find another job to avoid you saying told you so. Although stressful, is better to do it pre-baby than after, otherwise he'd feel the need to wait 5 years so he can provide. I can understand wanting to get out now rather than becoming miserable, a person he doesn't like himself, then a person you don't like and down that road... no. Just for the sake of a wage? Shame you couldn't discuss it together and have a bit of faith and trust cos it might make for some resentment both sides whatever happens now.

I'm 6m pregnant and up until a few weeks was main bread winner with him only doing contract work and not regularly. Was worried what would happen after baby born but I've taken the stance of trusting him and having some faith and believe all will be ok because it's not good for me or baby to be stressing right now and so long as we have nappies, what will be Will be. I'm stockpiling nappies with my last few months wages before maternity! I don't know what will happen later, I might have to return to work but am really hopeful something great Will happen and I can be closer to home/part time or even stay home. We both want that together. That's our aim. He knows I have stood by him and in return he will stand by me. Together it will work out.

Maybe try trusting him

I'd find it very hard to trust a partner who makes decisions that affect the family without my agreement.

This would be a serious breach of trust to me.

I can understand you being angry with him but I don't think you get to decide if he stays in his job or not. it is HIS job, he has to go and do it every day and deal with the pressure of it every day - not you. if he wants to leave I think he should be able to. yes it will have an impact on the family but you all need to deal with that.

What choice is there but trust? OP has been in fortunate position to be sahm all this time and has trusted him then. Now he's miserable and trying to make his own life better for the benefit of all his family long term, I would continue to trust that. If he makes a mistake, I'm sure he will do all he can to correct it, Basing it on what he's done previously in your life together op? Has he ever let you down???

sorry pressed post too soon. if you feel sick about leaving think about what he feels whilst he stays - why does your feeling sick trump his feeling sick?

yes you agreed to be a SAHM but things change on a daily basis - that's life, people deal with these kinds of changes on a daily basis. I think instead of heaping more pressure onto him you need to think about what you can do to help - I certainly wouldn't relish the thought of being the sole earner in a family.

it is HIS job (...) but you all need to deal with that.

It's the last part that bothers me.
His job, his decision, but everyone else has to live with it and deal with it with no input. WTAF?

Drew64, your post made me sad for you. So long with so much responsibility and the feeling of being stuck. Don't know how you've coped without breaking down. I'm sure the love of a good family has kept you going. Have you checked with local agencies to see if they could find you something else? Or added yourself to LinkedIn?

OP, this is where business mentors come in. Mentors are, as the name suggests, experts who work pro bono (free) with your DH to help set up the business. They will also tell him if it has no mileage in it.

Whether or not he listens to them is up to him, but he won't get funding if he takes on a mentor and then bins them or they leave.

You will be able to find a mentor quite easily. Depending on what sector - ie say, tech or catering - I could advise. PM me if you want ways to find one.

You can also get a loan from the DWP and benefits while he's doing it, if that applies.

And an equally important thing: stop, stop doubting yourself and almost apologising for your reaction. You're being perfectly sensible and bursting into tears and being sick is all normal, although I wish you weren't going through it.

DH is not the first and he won't be the last person to jack their job in at a rubbish time. Don't worry sweetheart, it will all come out in the wash.

Could you ask him to stay until you've had the baby & then you could work & he could be the SAHP?

Lweji, you sound like a spoilt brat of a wife.... so it's ok for everyone else to be miserable so long as sahm gets her own way and feathers remain unruffled? Fuck any reeal life feelings or needs or happiness.... Just your way or high way?

I think you are confusing me with the OP's husband here jabbsy

As for spoilt brat of a wife, I have always been the main earner, I took a job change that involved moving country and I told husband (at the time) that I would only move if he also agreed, as I was not going to split the family. It was a joint decision, after much discussion. Unlike the OP's husband.
I supported exH through long term sick leave, depression, social anxiety.
Having recently obtained a PhD, I took a part-time job in a shoe shop (which I loved, obviously) to keep earning money before I got an Academic job.

It's not about ruffling feathers. It's about being in a partnership and supporting your family.

I personally would be mortified if I'd borrowed money from my spouse's parents and wasn't doing everything in my power to pay it back as soon as possible.

Including sticking it out in a job I hated.

And let's face it. Loads of people hate their job. It's just a means to pay the bills.
I'd hate it a lot more if I had to live under a bridge....

That's a very unfair attack on Lweji , Jabbsy.

'Just your way or high way' ....

.... errr no, that's not what Lweji was suggesting at all. And it's a bit rich to accuse someone of that attitude when it's exactly the attitude the OP's husband has adopted.

At no point has the OP herself said anything along the lines of refusing to look at alternative ways forward, or demanded that she remain a SAHM for life. Her understandable objections have been in response to the way her DH has handled this .... by making unilateral decisions that affect them ALL.

So far he has no concrete plans ..... nothing in which the OP can pin her trust. Is she supposed to 'trust' thin air ? Her DH may try very hard to make a go of his business and/or to look for other work if it fails but what if he can't find any ? He'll have got rid of a guaranteed (as much as it ever can be) income for a pipe dream which, if there is any substance to it, he hasn't yet shared with his wife.

In a so-called partnership both parties are supposed to have equal input, both parties are supposed to discuss their future plans and how to realise those, both parties are supposed to confide in each other if they find themselves increasingly unhappy in the here and now so they can both work out what to do for the best.

In this partnership, just one of the parties concerned is making far reaching important decisions all on his own. It's irresponsible and bloody contemptuous - as if his wife's feelings and opinions come in a very poor second place to his.

No-one is suggesting that 'her way' must remain THE way forever. The pair of them may well have to compromise quite considerably in order to reach a place they can both live with .... maybe neither of them will be 100% happy but being part way there is a hell of a lot better than one person being 100% happy with the decision they've made all on their own and the other person being 100% Unhappy because their so-called partner has just dumped all over them.

One person's happiness shouldn't trump the other yet this is exactly what the OP's DH has done to her when she justifiably feels very vulnerable.

OP - I'm very sorry he's done what he's done ..... the financial irresponsibility is bad enough but it must also be quite a shock for you to realise he holds your opinion in such small regard.

I run my own business....

When we set it up it took approximately £50,000 of our money in the first year - so without too much give away we had to invest in stuff to make the business go (stock, a website, etc etc but it is still the same if it is premises) Even stuff like a better PC as our home one didn't cut the mustard. We did it relatively cheaply.

In year 2 when we started selling stuff, we made no money as all of it had to be reinvested into the business to increase the turnover. This was the year I resigned and worked full time on it, DH was still employed

In year 3, all the money was reinvested to help it grow (although if we were happy to grow slower we could have taken some out at this stage)

In year 4, we started to be able to take salary an Dh joined the business full time

In year 5 we made loads of money and really were happy!

In year 6 we made a loss of £25k and had NO SALARY for an entire year, but had some saved from the year before. Mostly we were reinvesting for growth again

Year 7 made small profit which we have used

Year 8 (this year) lots of money again!

So in summary, a) we wouldn't have survived in the early days if we didn't have a salary coming in from a normal job
b) We both really really underestimated how much would need investing "to get it going"
c) its been bloody hard work an stressful - much more so than employment
d) we hadn't anticipated the many many problems you get from being an employer!
e) Money is a big issue, you never know from month to month how much you have or can take. Cash flow dictates when you can take profit out.

I am an investor. Funders rarely invest just on an idea. They want some traction, some proof it might work, some customer interest. I would also be very wary of investing in someone with two very young children and a spouse who wasn't bought in, as the entrepreneurial life affects the whole family.

If he hasn't yet resigned, he could request dropping to 4 days per week and spending the fifth day on his business. He should also wait at least until after paternity leave.

Sorry lweji, my apologies. Not fair to attack you.

I would show your Dh my post - I know many many people who own businesses (it's like a club!) and their stories are all different but all similar.

Money issues and stress figure bigtime.

I have a friend who is about to go bankrupt due to their business going under.
I have a friend who had to put their business into administration and now has a second going. (wife works and supports family)
I have a relative who is about to close his business as it just didn't "take off" like he expected (wife works and supports family)
I have a friend who runs a shop which does steady trade, but had to close his second shop as it was too much to manege
I have an accountant friend who is doing very nicely and has done for a while

etc etc - I could go on!

Dropping this avoidable bomb whilst your pregnant, is inexcusable. How the fuck are you supposed to trust him if he doesn't respect you enough to listen and compromise?

Where's the planning in this venture if resigning is done on a whim? Why the haste, are these clients queueing up just waiting for him to quit his job? What were the terms of the loan? I'm presuming he chose your parents because a bank would have been more critical of his 'plan'.

I'm beginning to fear something else is going on here, are you sure he isn't jumping before being pushed and his haste is a cover?

This is not how major decisions are reached within a partnership and this kind of selfish stunt doesn't bode well for the future. Call him back and demand that he show you the courtesy of a discussion before he resigns.

Does he not have to work a notice period? I am just wondering whether he has been fired (or is about to be) and this is an excuse to cover up. Sorry - I may be doing him a disservice.

If DH did this to me I think I would leave. It is very selfish and irresponsible. DH started a business many years ago but he started it as a small thing while he was still working then left that job when he could earn enough to get by. It was still a crap amount and we struggled for ages. Whoever said he should still work 9-5, sorry but you can't do that if you want to be successful in a new business IMO. DH worked all the time and it nearly drove me insane. Luckily he always gets my agreement before making big decisions so when he got a contract that offered him a full time position I said please take it. I couldn't handle the anxiety over whether he would make enough each month. I need stability and if you are not a risk taker I assume you are the same.

The OP took pains to start by saying that it was a joint decision for her to be a SAHP not just her deciding to stay home on a whim. She has said she has worked at jobs that weren't her dream jobs and knows all about the "work sucks but we need the bucks" slog.

MummyKWP you have already let him off the hook regarding taking the lion's share of childcare and domestic stuff. He probably feels plenty of support to the extent he has now gone a step further.

Think of the old saying "How do you eat an elephant? A bite at a time" - yes setting up a business takes time, it's tough setting up meetings and getting it off the ground, that's tricky fitting it around the job you have. But the job brings in regular money in the meantime.

DH has exited from a secure job with no consultation and the reassurance he is on the case and it will be all right when the business gets going. In the meantime what do you live off? That comment about him feeling superior made my heart sink for you. Respect has to be earned. The world is full of brighter more ambitous types competing in the same milieu. A big FO gesture to leave and make a fresh start is something that you do when you are young and single not with a family.

Faith and trust - how about responsible democratic decision making, how about balancing ambition and drive with some thought of what's reasonable risk and how to safeguard the family's home.

It was good of your parents to bail you all out OP and if they are not particularly flush themselves I understand why you are anxious about the money.

None of these concerns imo make you selfish or demanding or a dead weight round his neck like some posters imply.