DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

Unless there's a great deal more detail we don't know about then I'm inclined to agree with Sylvanians ....

Did you talk about how you will eat?

If he's resigned he might not be eligible for JSA for a while.

I liked number 5 Sylvanian's! Actually made me smile on a day where I don't feel much like smiling!

You're right though.

We had a big row last night which just made everything worse. He even said things like "who brings all the money into this house?!"
To which I replied "well, no one now"

You mentioned "unless there's something we don't know..."
The only info I haven't shared is he thinks he can get bits & bobs of work here & there through some of his new contacts, to see us through the next few months.
That's his response when I ask how we're going to eat or pay the rent

You might be better off financially without him, tbh.

Neither of us had even considered JSA or benefits.
We've never claimed anything & wouldn't even know how to start.
But I suppose needs must.

He told me we were over last night. I think my "lack of support" pushed him to say it.

I don't think he means it though - he's live in a pig sty if I wasn't here & he would have to actually look after DD on his own a night or two a week - that's be a foreign concept to him

'The only info I haven't shared is he thinks he can get bits & bobs of work here & there through some of his new contacts, to see us through the next few months.
That's his response when I ask how we're going to eat or pay the rent'

He is living in cloud cuckoo land. Someone has already pointed out that you don't get paid straightaway when self-employed.

Sadly, I think you need a reality check here.

I wouldn't bother working to support his stupid ideas, either, because he doesn't give a shit about his family.

If he's quit his job it's unlikely he'll get dole for about 6 months. This is why it's better he's been sacked.

I would take him at his word that you are over and claim in your own right tbh.

And also if he gets JSA, he will need to comply with their rules about being available for work.

This guy royally fucked his family over and is now burying his head in the sand.

How will you buy food? Now.

CAB will be able to advise on benefits. You should make an appointment with them. Your DH is making it clear that he doesn't want to discuss the practicalities so IMO you need to deal with this on your own. Otherwise you're going to waste time rehashing the same argument and getting more and more stressed.

You need to put you and your DC first, and I think taking practical steps to allay your financial worries is probably the best way to do thàt.

Once you feel more confident about that, you can address the relationship.

Right.

You know now what you are married to.

And it's not good. It's not good at all, and as PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE, it is always very probably going to be NOT GOOD.

He does not respect you. He does not have your back. He thinks of himself first, and what he wants to do, even if it's bad news for your family, your children's security, because he thinks he is MORE IMPORTANT and the big man, and your role is to be meek and mild and 'support him' ie sit there like a lemon and accept anything he wants to do with his life, even if it affects you negatively.

You don't have an opinion, you don't have equality, he does not have to consider you, you have no rights to have your views heard in your own family.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

Right now. Not necessarily permanently, but right now, if you EVER want to have a cat in hell's chance of being respected in your own family and having any agency in your own life, you need to draw a boundary right here and walk out.

How fucking DARE he do what he has done and then tell YOU it's over because 'you don't support him' - WTF? This is 100% clear. He has no respect for you at all. Stay and you are choosing to be his doormat.

'Too fucking RIGHT I am not supporting you. I am not a doormat with no agency in my own home. We are either a team, and we make decisions TOGETHER, or too fucking right it is over. We are done. If you want to think this through, think how YOU would feel if I made a massive decision like this that would utterly affect your life and told you to put up and shut up. It's NOT OK, it's NEVER going to be ok for you to act like this. We're over - thanks to YOU. We were over the minute you thought 'No, this is MY decision and not a family one. I am never going to 'support' you in acting like an arrogant prick who thinks he gets to make all family decisions alone. You don't.'

Financially you will absolutely be better off without him right now. He's resigned: no benefits. You will be able to claim as a single parent and get help. How are you with family - are they far, could you stay with them? As you say, it will also bring home to him exactly what it is that you do. Because that comment 'Who brings home the money' says it all. That's where twats like this are coming from. They see the wage packet and think 'I'm doing it all'. They aren't... because without the other part of the team life would look very different. Let him sit in shit realising that there's going to be no dinner unless he not only cooks, but shops in advance. That actually having a child isn't all about coming in from work and having a play and bathtime, but it means planning your time around caring for them, day in day out, when you have other stuff needing doing. Etc., etc., etc.

I cannot tell you how strongly I urge you to do this. If you stay, I honestly think you are done: your life will be very much what you don't want, it won't change and the chances are you will split anyway, unless you really do train yourself into the 1950s. So make the break now and have a vague chance of pulling this arsehole into line.

Blimey, he really does live in cloud cookoo land.
Has he maybe done something that warranted immediate dismissal?

Starting, building, and running a business is not as simple as he seem to think it is.

What do you think you will do?

(In your shoes I would leave tbh)

Next time he throws around with who bring the money in, dont forget to mention your own parents.

I think there's a massive difference between just jumping ship with an "it'll work out" when you are already in debt and making a calculated plan, with forecasts of income, expenditure. Fine if you've no one else to consider but this man has a family and already owes money.

So yes, agree pretty much with Sylvanian

It sounds like bluster to me and presumably he expected you to fall on his neck weeping in terror.

Dh might have jointly agreed that you should be a SAHM but then does something that guarantees that you will not be.

Everything Sylvanian said.

It sounds like this arsehole didn't so much agree on OP being SAHM as jumped on the chance to relegate her to dependant role before starting throwing his (pretty stupid, ineffectual, and probably financially disastrous) weight around.

Agreeing to give up your livelihood to make yourself completely financially dependent on someone else so that you can look after your shared family involves a huge level of trust.

To let someone trust you like that, let them make themselves extra vulnerable by getting pregnant, and then choose to completely betray that trust by giving up your income when there are no savings, and you are in debt to her elderly and not wealthy parents, is just mindblowing.

Damn right this relationship is over.

You can't trust this man. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't care about providing food for his toddler to eat.

Tell him to leave. Then find out what benefits you are entitled to as a single parent and see what temp work you can find for now. Sadly it's too late for you to get any form of maternity payments now, even if you do find work.

I think he's been pushed. Unless there's a serious history of narcissistic, irrational behaviour, he's not telling you the full story.

You don't just become the kind of entitled twat this person appears to be overnight

Sylvanian's (and others who agreed), I sort of know you're right. It's just a really scary prospect. I never pictured myself in this position. We've been together 11 years, married 6 years. So it's a big deal.

I'm going to ring CAB anyway just to get an idea of where I stand.

Stupidly, I'm not even going to tell anyone else close to me that he's given up his job because I don't want them to worry (& I suppose I don't want them to judge him either, which I know is ridiculous! God knows why I'm protecting him). So I'm just pretending everything's normal at the minute.

A bit more background is that he felt bullied in his job. I suppose it's partly true, but I can't help thinking there was an element of him just not being able to accept authority figures telling him what to do (e.g. Turn up on time!)
This goes back to his childhood - his mum is a bit feeble and always said as a young child that he was entitled to his opinion, even if it meant him speaking up against teachers etc.

I suppose we're quite different people

But he's engrossed himself in this whole "I'm being bullied/woe is me" idea, that he's convinced himself everyone is against him and that he's not bring listened to. He's been acting the martyr with regards to work. So that's probably why he left with immediate effect (he felt he "could" because he could claim he was pushed out)

I'm horrified by this, OP. I can't believe he's put you in this position at this stage of your pregnancy, and then blamed you for not supporting him!

Maybe MadMum is right and he was sacked. That would at least explain his otherwise incomprehensible actions.

*not BEING listened to (sorry)

Oh dear.

I think it is a big mistake to think he won't be told what to do just because he has his own business. I mean he'll be answerable to clients for one thing.

I'd definitely start looking into how you'll be sorted financially if not together.

I would also mention cash-flow to him - I know I said it before but it really can be a killer for small businesses. And even if he works as a contractor - well he'd still have possibly up to 2 months before he got paid - assuming he invoiced monthly and there were 30 days payment terms.

I would also talk to your parents - depending on how much you have in the bank you may need their help for rent/food.