DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

I would ltb for doing this. Had he told you his plans 5 months ago then maybe you could have discussed your options and I dare say you may have chosen not to get pregnant at that time. Moving the goalposts when you are now in such a vulnerable position is unforgivable IMO. He had tricked you into undergoing a pregnancy based on false promises.

He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment. This attitude is unlikely to go down well with his colleagues or with his employers in general.

I'm thinking along the same lines as NashvilleQueen and wondering if he's been sacked jumped before he's pushed especially as it sounds as if he may be home later today with no job to go until he finds another one/gets stuck into his business.

It seems to me you're best advised to check out when he will be entitled to claim unemployment benefit as it's my understanding that payments aren't made immediately in cases where claimants have made themselves jobless and there may be different rules if he registers himself as self-employed which, presumably, he will need to do asap in order to satisfy the tax-man.

On reflection, unless his business is a sure-fire winner which brings in the moolah immediately, you may be better off by staying in your current home and claiming benefits while he lives elsewhere - perhaps it's time for his dps to step up to the plate and give him board and lodging gratis until he starts earning again?

Realistically OP, if he jacks his job in now, you are going to have to get a job and put your children in childcare.

Even if his business works, it will take a long time and lot of hard work to make it profitable, let alone being able to draw a salary from it.

In the short term: either a) he makes the business work but draws no salary so your income will be needed or b) he can't make it work in which case he has to get a new job. It's a lot harder to get a job when you're not in employment. And he could end up taking something he likes less that what he's got now just to keep the wolf from the door.

In short: this is not the decision of an intelligent, sensible man.

If I were a business angel I would question his judgement on this basis alone: what other irresponsible, ill-thought out decisions would he make regarding the business?

Of course he can meet client and investors while still working - I managed to run my business for 18 months while working and DH and I both went to conferences, exhibitions, meetings with a combination of evenings, weekends and holiday. Once it started taking off I went part time, then ran it on my own for a while.

"resigned with immediate effect" is well know code for "If I didn't resign I would have been sacked"

DuchessofAnkh
"resigned with immediate effect" is well know code for "If I didn't resign I would have been sacked"

I hadn't considered that
I don't know if DP being sacked would make things better or worse for the OP.
Good grief OP - is this thread helping of giving you more to worry about?

"resigned with immediate effect" is well know code for "If I didn't resign I would have been sacked"

That is a good point.
Which also tallies with my question about "He's worked at a higher level previously"

Actually reading it all back I agree with pp.

He has either actually been sacked or jumped before being pushed.

Certainly if he treats his co-workers with the arrogance, appalling communication skills and respect for fellow team members which he's shown you, I can see maybe why.

What do you think OP?

What caused the come-down from a higher level? Redundancy? Was he selected to go?

If one of his main problems is that he 'feels he should be respected more in the work environment because he's previously worked at a higher level' - I'm afraid that tells you quite a lot.

• someone with the right attitude who is good at their job simply wouldn't think like that - it's a twatty concern to have - silly, immature, not relevant to everyday working life really;

• someone who WAS good at their job (perhaps because of working at a higher level, perhaps because they're just talented) probably WOULD have the 'respect' of their colleagues, unconsciously or not, and again, wouldn't raise that issue.

So perhaps a different problem to the one you thought you had. Either way - you need to start thinking about work for yourself. He's either a completely arrogant pig who doesn't see you as an equal in which case you would be best served disentangling yourself a bit financially, or he's an idiot in the workplace who is perhaps not likely to be any more successful at running his own business. If the latter, the same advice applies!

I would hope that this thread is giving the OP the knowledge to make informed choices, Downwith, otherwise this board won't have served its purpose.

Presupposing his business does not produce sufficients funds to cover rent and other household expenses in the coming weeks, the OP needs to know whether her dh was sacked as this may mean he's entitled to claim unemployment benefit earlier than he would be if he's left his job voluntarily.

However, as he will need to register as self-employed in order to keep his business accounts on the straight and narrow it may be that claiming benefits won't be an option.

Thanks all!

The reason he had to take a job at a lower level is because we moved country - to live somewhere more suited to bringing up children. Which also meant fewer job options.

With regards to the suggestion he might have jumped before being pushed - there's an element of truth in this. The new business is sort of related to his current job & he'd hoped to get them on board - he thought he could perhaps run the business through them so that they got the kudos (it's a series of conferences & events). The CEO is on board, but other staff aren't being supportive. He feels his current boss (not the CEO) might try to encourage him out because they might think he's doing too much for the business on work time. Or this is how he's justified it to me anyway.

With regards to bring a SAHM - it was a joint decision, I feel lucky, but I also prefer to call it a full time mum, as I work unpaid from 6am-8pm, no lunch break, no annual leave, no toilet break! I'm not complaining, but I don't take well to those who imply I'm sitting around enjoying DH's cash! I would get a job now but at 5 months pregnant, it's not ideal. Who'd employ me for 3-4 months? And the wage probably wouldn't be worth it when you factor in childcare costs.

I certainly don't plan to be a full time mum forever, just until the children are in school. I've worked constantly all my life in jobs I've hated.

Anyway, that's my defence put up! Hope that clarifies things! Typing quickly while the toddler wees on the floor!

It is possible he's resigned and been put on gardening leave - it depends on the job and whether he has access to commercially sensitive information. If he's told them about his business plans they may have thought he'd use contacts or something. If he has been sacked he may have been lucky and got a couple of months money for going quietly.
Either way OP you really mustn't rely on him to provide for the family. You can try reading him the riot act but somehow I don't think it'll work. Booting him out and claiming benefits may be the only option (given it'll take a good while to get them coming in).
I really hope this works out but you MUST look after number one.

My DH left a very well paid job to start a business. He had backers standing by and we also had to put in a large chunk of our savings.
His salary halved overnight and as I was a sahm it was very difficult but my DC were a bit older than yours and I was able to start my own business as well with no start up costs and started making money straight away, if I hadn't we could have lost our house by now.
DH business is going ok but not making enough for him to up his salary so the pressure is on me to keep us afloat and as a contractor every time a contract ends I panic a bit until the next one comes in. In addition we had around £20000 cash to live on if we needed to.
We really couldn't have managed if I hadn't found a way to make quite a lot of money quickly and certainly not if I had had very young children. DH works all hours and his business has basically taken over our lives.
I supported him in his decision to do it as I knew that if I didn't it would always be on the table so to speak but I often wish he hadn't and sometimes to be totally honest there is a small ( horrible) part of me that resents what he has done and almost hates him. I am sure it's had a detrimental effect on our marriage, although the logical part of me knows he is doing this for us.
Running a business is really hard and you don't sound like you are in a position to do it - try not to panic but I would in your shoes, your DH is being an arse.

From what you've said, it's clearly not the type of business that's going to produce an immediate income such as can be gained from buying wholesale and selling items at a profit etc, OP.

How long do you estimate you have before your funds run out and the wolf will be at the door? Are you in the UK or in a country that provides the safety net of welfare benefits?

As my experience is that what the CEO says goes, I find it surprising that your dh wasn't given carte blanche to expand the company, so to speak, by being given the specified role of developing this new but related venture and, sadly, this leads me to conclude that it wasn't considered a financially viable proposition for him to do so - in short, imo your dh has been snowing you.

That's not to say that he won't be successful in going it alone, but the field of events/conference management is extremely competitive with many organisations preferring to utilise the services of those long-established agencies they have built a solid relationship with over many years.

For businesses such as appears to be what your dh is endeavouring to set up, there can be a long wait before services rendered become services paid for and it's unclear why your dps have been tapped unless venues have been booked and it's now a question of getting bums on seats to recoup the sums invested in accomodation/publicity.

FWIW, resigning with 'immediate effect' usually means that your dh will be paid up until his day of employment which would seem to be today.

I wish you both luck and also wish I could be more optimistic about your future prospects if he continues to put pie in the sky before pie on the table.

paid up until his last day of employment... etc.

DuchessofAnkh has given a very some very clear snapshots of the reality of running a business. And from experience, I would agree with her findings.

If you hate your job and have responsibilities such as 2 under 5- you look for another job, quickly. You don't jack it in. Sure, you can develop your business idea while you work. But not "that's it, I quit". Not in the circumstances you're in, with no savings, and no backup.

I understand you have to take risks in life ....yes, but there is a huge difference between a calculated risk and unsubstantiated bravado.

I don't know where your DH is on that spectrum - only you know. I will only say I detect a fair amount of arrogance from him (nothing is 'guaranteed'!) - and not much in terms of listening to you, or thinking about contingency plans.

In terms of tackling the situation, I like Flaked and DrMorbius's approach very much. But I also think you have to realistically consider a return to work much sooner than you hoped. You and your children need some backup plans.

I hate to raise yet another possible problem, OP, but it may be better to find out now than later.

Will your DH's new business mean he'll be contacting current or past clients of his employer? Is there any kind of restrictive clause in his contract of employment meaning that he can't contact them for a certain period after leaving?

This may not be relevant, and I apologise if I've alarmed you unnecessarily in mentioning it.

Hi PattyPenguin, thank you for raising that point - forearmed is forewarned! However, I don't think he'll need to use any of the contacts he's gained through work. He's built his own strong contacts, so it won't be necessary. I do appreciate you thinking of all possibilities though - very much my kind of thinking!

I'm waiting for him to come home so I'm not sure yet really where we stand. I don't know if sent the letter of resignation or not. Very scary times I'll know in about an hour

I'd be considering my options if somebody convinced me to make myself financially dependent on them and then decided to stop earning money while I was pregnant.

Trying to start up a business with no income, no savings, and (soon to be) four people needing to be supported, is so foolhardy and irresponsible I barely know where to start.

On that note, does anyone have any ideas for a job (or any way of earning an income) that I can do for 3 or 4 months until I give birth? That's not a passive aggressive question, it's a genuine enquiry.

My background is journalism - I've already contacted the local paper & magazines incase I could do freelance or something, but there's nothing at the minute.

I'm thinking of selling a few things on eBay.

Any other suggestions? Happy to turn my hand to most things - but it'll need to be something I can do whilst pregnant (so possibly not heavy lifting)

It'll also need to more than cover childcare costs for our 2 year old DD, in order to make it worthwhile

Thank you

Try doing some seo writing, it doesn't pay incredibly well but you can earn £10 per article and if you are any good you should be able to bang one out in a hour or so. You can do it when the kids are asleep as well
Think there was an ad on Mumsnet jobs recently but most of the agencies are looking for good SEO writers to add to their bank.
Be careful only to deal direct with the agencies though and don't write a sample article for free

You will get more support if you claim as a single parent.

Given the fact that the man you married has zero respect for you, or sense of responsibility for his children, you need to consider going alone.

How fucking dare he put you in this position when your ability to provide for yourself is so compromised?

Selfish, deluded wanker.

No savings?

Even if this is the best business idea in history, you are still going to be FUCKED.

Since he handed in his notice, he will not be entitled to JSA for months.

What are you going to eat?

Sorry, but I really don't know where you get this attitude:

but I also prefer to call it a full time mum, as I work unpaid from 6am-8pm, no lunch break, no annual leave, no toilet break! I'm not complaining, but I don't take well to those who imply I'm sitting around enjoying DH's cash!

I am on maternity leave with a 9mo and a 4yo. Life is very leisurely. There is always a lunch break. Every day is on leave, as I can go shopping, have a walk or lunch out with friends. And certainly there are lots of toilet breaks. If you aren't having an easy time, you are just very very inefficient. Which is what I found a lot of SAHM. They seem to take forever to do cooking, cleaning and admin. Obviously since no one is giving you appraisals, you don't have to be very efficient do you?

I would get a job now but at 5 months pregnant, it's not ideal. Who'd employ me for 3-4 months? And the wage probably wouldn't be worth it when you factor in childcare costs.

This is definitely true. It would be very hard to find a job at 5mo pregnant. I won't even know how to start. Your husband is being twat unless ofc he's basically being pushed out. He could have waited till the baby is a year old.

So....he just dropped the "I'm resigning" bomb and didn't provide you with any more details? Just left you hanging until he eventually roles home and deigns to tell you the details?

Obviously this is a snapshot of your life together but this sounds like the DP Show and your only job is to provide the canned laughter. Any serious questions or doubts are shot down with, "don't you believe in me?" like you're a bloody naysayer. And that's before you even consider that he's putting the money your parents loaned you in jeopardy, with seriously reduced chances of return. Being someone's partner doesn't mean you have to act the eternal cheerleader even when they've got their head up their ass. Nope. Just nope.

Oh dear.

DH started his own business about 14 years ago - he did the first year on top of a very demanding job.

For the subsequent few years we earnt very very little. In fact the first 10 years were pretty tough as we had/have to constantly re-invest in the business.

We didn't have investors but it took a long time for us to really make any money. How does your DH think you're going to pay the bills in the short-term? Does he know about the financial side - cash-flow is the big killer for many small businesses.

Good luck!