DH handing in notice with no fall back option

[MummyKWP]

I'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family.
We have a 2 year old DD & one on the way, due in a few months.
He works in a relatively decent job - permanent, pensionable. It's a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it. He's worked at a higher level previously so feels he ought to be respected more within the work environment.
The thing is, he's decided he's handing in his notice this week without a fall back option. He knows how I feel about it - it's a very vulnerable time for us - soon to have 2 children under 3, and we won't have any wage coming in.
He's trying to set up his own business, but as yet there's no money coming in from that. That sort of thing is always a gamble. He doesn't think so - he thinks it's guaranteed.
I don't feel like I can stop him because he always throws it back & says "don't you trust me to provide?" "Trust me, I'll make this work" etc. He's the eternal optimist...I'm a realist!
We already owe my parents money which he borrowed to put into the business. I hate owing, especially as they don't have much money.
How should I deal with this whole situation? I feel very worried about the future - not something I wanted while 5 months pregnant!

I'd be worried about eating to be honest especially with no savings. Even if he'd done some work and invoiced a client today - most payment terms are 30 days and not all pay on time.

HeadDreamer - I'm happy for you. A toddler is a different story - they follow you to the toilet & try to sit on your knee & unravel the toilet roll etc etc, which is what I meant by lack of toilet breaks
I wouldn't have felt the need to justify my position at all if it wasn't for the few being less than supportive on here. I take DD to various classes etc throughout the week & educate her & help develop her skills the rest of the time, whilst maintaining the house & helping with DH's business. I remember when she was 9 months old & wasn't potty training etc, dressing her & getting her out of the house was a doddle. I'm never one to moan, but each to their own, everyone is different. I also have no support from DH with regards to the house. I'm not trying to be a martyr, but if my abilities are being questioned I will feel the need to defend myself. I'm also pregnant. As you have never met me you will have no idea about my level of efficiency - so if it helps you sleep tonight, I'd like to reassure you I have no shortcomings in that area. Thanks for your feedback though & for making it a competition. It's made me realise I'm a great mum & a nice person too...I don't get appraisals to tell me that either, so it's nice to have a reminder of my strengths from time to time, thank you for giving me that reminder

Being a stay at home mother is leisurely and if its not that makes you inefficient?

Wow. Fighting the cause of stressed mothers everywhere on mumsnet. The fucking irony.

Good comeback MummyKWP

Can your DH not provide childcare whilst you work for the remainder of your pregnancy? Given he's put you in this situation it seems reasonable. He can build the business whilst you're not at work.

HEADDREAMER "I am on maternity leave with a 9mo and a 4yo. Life is very leisurely. There is always a lunch break. Every day is on leave, as I can go shopping, have a walk or lunch out with friends. And certainly there are lots of toilet breaks. If you aren't having an easy time, you are just very very inefficient. Which is what I found a lot of SAHM. They seem to take forever to do cooking, cleaning and admin. Obviously since no one is giving you appraisals, you don't have to be very efficient do you?"

PMSL!!! Glad it's working out for you. Have you thought that other people who for whatever reason are SAHMs, might NOT find it so easy, and for reasons unrelated to inefficiency? Your post makes you sound terribly up yourself and utterly empathy free.

Update (back to the real point)...
He's home. And he's resigned.
I'm giving DD a bath now, trying to hold back the tears.
I don't even know what to say anymore. I didn't even answer him. I couldn't.

This could be an interesting evening

(Thanks Flaked & Cleaned for your support on the other topic!)

Thanks Mutt & thanks for your suggestion of temping. That's a good idea, I'll look into it tonight.

If you have to go back to work, every penny needs to be kept for you and your children.

You did not agree to support him financially, and you are not going to be able to earn much.

He has made himself unemployed by choice with no savings.

That is 100% his problem.

Oh, gosh, MummyKWP, I'm so sorry about this situation.

However, practicalities. Look into temping, especially pay rates, and also look at childcare costs. Go to www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/overview and see if you could get any help with the costs.

Also, make a budget of unavoidable monthly outgoings.

Now, when you feel able to talk to your DH, show him the figures.

Will you be able to pay the bills even if you get 35 hours a week temping and have to pay childcare costs? If no, then he is going to have to do childcare 35 hours (plus travel time) per week, so that all your earnings go towards bills. Can you manage even then? (And this all depends on you being able to get full-time temping work). And what about after the baby is born? Will he be earning enough by then to pay the rent, utilities, council tax, food bills etc?

If he starts with the "Don't you trust me?" attitude, tell him it's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of you being worried sick about keeping a roof over your heads and food on the table and needing solid, practical evidence to reassure you.

Sorry, here I am, telling you what to do. I should perhaps rather say that would be my plan of action.

Are you sure he hasn't been sacked and just doesn't want to tell you?

It does seem irresponsible - I agree, can you look into copy editing, proof reading on a contract basis? You could investigate if you're entitled to any benefits as you didn't quit your job.

My money is on he has been sacked.
You two need to have an open discussion without being judgemental.

If he agreed for you to be SAHM, he's obviously not as selfish as some posters think.

He's probably panicking and still in denial about the future.

If he agreed for you to be SAHM, he's obviously not as selfish as some posters think.

Wanting a little wifey at home looking after your kids and washing your pants while you're the big man going out to work is quite a common fantasy of s particular kind of very selfish man.

i'm a full time mum - a decision myself & my DH made together, as we thought it was best for our family
It was a joint decision. And I get the feeling OP disliking her job may have influenced her decision too.
He has been providing the best he can, doing a job he feels overqualified for, in that respect he is not selfish.

There is more to the story.
Most likely he has been sacked and he's panicking.
They need an open non judgemental discussion.

They'll be in better shape if he was sacked.

It's difficult to judge without knowing specifics. However, I did something similar approx 10 years ago. My sons were 5 and 3 and we had another on way. I left my office job came home and was then on gardening leave. I hated work and as someone else said it used to pretty much ruin Sundays as well. I was frequently ill.

Anyway I left, set up my own business and aside from the first few months where I had to diversify into other areas to bring in the cash its been very successful. I earn roughly 7-8 times what I used to earn working as an employee plus I work from home home and choose my own hours. Its transformed our life and I couldn't imagine working for someone else again.

Just wanted to say with all the doom and gloom on here that it may work out!

He has left a job, but not only the job the pension & what other benefits did the job provide ?

I would be looking for you to start earning, working from home or outside asap even if is working night shifts

I am sorry that he has put you & your children in this situation

It takes time to build up a new business

He sounds selfish & irresponsible

OP I've pm-ed you.

The only points I would have to make to him are:

Don't ever bother to try and tell me that we are a team.

Don't ever bother to try and tell me that you respect me and our family unit.

Don't ever think from now on that I will stand at your shoulder and deal with stuff together - because you wouldn't do that for me.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that my actions and plans for the future are for 'us' - they are not - I cannot trust you to be a team player on our team - so from now on, I do what I do for me and our children, to protect us, perhaps from your actions.

Oh and a number 5 - fuck off out of my face and don't come back.