HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Well you deserve cake after all those calories burned off keeping warm Braving

Happy father's day Drifted - I hope you managed to have a lovely day no matter what.

Hey 2little Good to see you again.

A tough day for so many, I think, today when this is all so fresh and raw. As I always remind myself: next time won't be so hard, but undoubtedly it must be a day of sadness, anger and resentment, that yet another 'celebration' day is a 'commiseration day' at present.

Roz - A really tough day with your father's passing only three and a half months ago. .

Welcome magiccat - a hard day when there's two decent men to mourn, and one to be angry with. I love the 'tricked' into marriage bullshit - as if you are Derren bloody Brown, or some hypnotist who forced him down the aisle? Horribly cruel man all the same.

chicken it sounds like you've got an awful lot to deal with there. I hope you're managing okay.

A jessage to sum up the day? That would be nice.

Can you give me a clue what to say re Jessage? wwk
Spaghetti head in full effect today... :(

Haha wrap some spaghetti round her head and get an action shot

Here's our poster girl...

Wrap some spaghetti round her head? Are you on glue bobs ?

Aww she's sooooo cute. No, not you bobs

Tee her purely for my own amusement and after Hobbit mentioned spaghetti head does anyone remember those reeeeally long packs of spaghetti you used to be able to buy?

Ok she's cute - with or without spaghetti

I was hoping for something like this.

You growing pineapples in your garden Hobbs?

I rode dd's bike earlier, never thought I'd do that again with my dodgy old hip :)

Haha see Hobbit, WWK must be on glue too.

Braving not ready for the knackers yard quite yet!!! Re-learning a skill

From what DD2 has said, after spending the afternoon with him, STBXH is showing more and more of his insensitivity and selfishness as time goes in. I wonder if I had some kind of moderating effect? Or affect? Never know which one to use.

3 members of the family have some problems at the moment and DD2 has been shocked by STBXH's responses - anything from "Same old same old" response to DS2 in hospital again. On a morphine pump for pain relief, that's how same old it was. To "probably attention seeking" when DD2 told him she was worried about one of her sisters. Not attention seeking at all.

The irony is, STBXH is constantly at the Dr's being sent for tests etc for heart problems, spinal problems, Oh god, you name it he's been tested for it. Except pregnancy. And these tests never, ever show anything. Really. Never. Yet he would go on and on and on about his current "condition" to all the family. Once STBXH persuaded DS's nurse ( in hospital) to take HIS blood pressure and discussed at length, and I mean at length, his health.

So to sum up, he is a selfish, unfeeling jerk. A knob. A twat. And to think I tried so hard to make it work. I'm the one who needs tests! My head testing.

Roz He's a narcissist and you're well rid.

I think you're right Braving. I'm not looking forward to the process but I'll be glad to get the divorce over and done with. The more distance I get, the more dysfunctional and weird he appears.

Just catching up with thread.

Rozalia I am very sorry to read about your son, that must be awfully distressing and upsetting. I hope he is not in too much pain most of the time.

Green sorry to hear your daughter was so upset, I would have probably stepped in as well. I hope she's been okay today and your son too.

Me thank you. I've been a bit of a mess really and have been staying with my sister the last few days. Nisi was last week and had a bit of a meltdown and they moved into their house on Friday as well. So have had better weeks! Feel like hiding away at the moment. Hope you're okay.

Evening all....!

I have posted elsewhere and was kindly invited to join you good people who are all in a similar situation. Apologies to those who have read the original post.. I am in the process of divorcing an extremely controlling and narcissistic H. I have 2 DCs who are 10 & 11. After another ruined Christmas, I told STBXH that I was divorcing him. He said that he was going blind, would lose his job & drivers licence etc. After waiting 2 weeks for an appt at Specssavers, he was 'surprise, surprise', ok! I went ahead with divorce application. He completely ignored sol letter & court papers. 2 weeks after receiving papers, said that he had a course for a big promotion coming up and told me to stop the divorce application. I did say that I wasn't going to stop the petition just because he said so. He also said that the stress of it all was going to give him a heart attack. He also said that if he received any divorce papers during his course, he is going to kill himself. I went ahead with a deemed service. When it was granted I must admit that I didn't give him the notification. I then applied for the decree nisi. STBXH's course has now finished and he had been promoted. The decree nisi is due through the post any day. I am absolutely terrified of his reaction. He has so far ignored all correspondence. He is in a good mood as he has his promotion. As far as he is concerned, everything is fantastic. He doesn't listen to a word I say so, I have given up trying to discuss it. In terms of sorting out the finances, he has ignored my sol's letter about making an appt to go through mediation. What shall I do to sort the finances out?

Sorry the post is so long - thanks for reading - a bit stressed!!

magiccatlitter I have put below a link to your thread. It would be useful if other posters were aware of the whole story and the thoughts and advice given by other posters

Original Thread

Hello Donatello , sorry you are here but welcome.
Are you still living in the same house? Is that why you are so worried about his reaction to receiving the petition? He sounds a total nightmare tbh, a complete control freak and narcissist. Are you at all concerned for your family's safety? Is he a violent person?

Sorry, that's a lot of questions, I'm just trying to understand your situation. There are a few ladies on here who have had problems with men like your husband. I'm sure they will be able to give you some good advice. Do you have RL support, because you need family and friends to help you through this. Well done for making this decision, it's a first step to a more peaceful life for you and your children.

Thanks Hobbitwife. Yes, we do share the same house but, I moved into the spare room 2 years ago. I don't think that he will be violent. He is really spiteful and nasty to me and the children. He will definitely shout, swear at us and lose his temper. I do have help in RL and have a good solicitor.

He seems to have been in denial so long that I am dreading the moment when the penny finally drops. It is the DCs that I am most worried about. He has 2 weeks leave coming up as well. Hopefully, he can use the time to move out but, I doubt it!!

Well, donatello you sound like you have all your ducks in a row. He will just have to get used to the realisation that you're not prepared to tolerate his nasty behaviour towards you and your children any longer.
Do you think he will refuse to leave the house? Can you afford to stay there? Do you work? He can shout and bawl all he wants, it won't stop you filing for divorce, in fact it will make you more determined to get rid of his sorry arse.

It will be unpleasant I know, can you have family or friends there to support you. He has to sign the petition though doesn't he and return it, have you done unreasonable behaviour or two years separation, he cannot just ignore every correspondence from your sol.

This must happen plenty of times. I suggest you ask your solicitor what happens when someone refuses to sign something or negotiate.

He ignored the divorce petition. I had to go to the courts and get a deemed service which was granted. The whole process can now go ahead whether he likes it or not! I presume that if he won't go to mediation, it will have to go to court to sort the finances out?

Nobody can stop a divorce, no. And I assume yes it probably is court if he won't negotiate. I looked it up online and didn't find anything. I'm not aware of anyone on here who has had this problem. You need to check with your solicitor

nice to see you again iwas