HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Go hobbit ! Yeah shit down his neck I like it.

To those having ups & downs , strength to you all.

I am 8 months in . I will remind everyone it still catches you out. My best one is a song because since she fucked off , I have the radio on so that I am, not alone . Shania Twain sings you're still the one and it makes me think of her ( ExW not Shania Twain ). Kylie I can't get you out of my head, Better the devil you know - I think you get the gist of what I am saying.

So sometimes I can listen and laugh but just occasionally catches me off guard and screws me up into a quick blub , then bite and stop.

I have zero contact with ~ExW thankfully. I will keep it that way . NO need to dredge up old wounds, which I am trying to heal .

Hey the weeks go by and I think less of her, if I have any sentimental feelings I remind myself of the night she left , lied and off she went. BUt I don't hate her. Just wish I could erase her from my memory. But it is fading so one day , I will not think about her & then I will tell you all when that happens. Until then KOKO XXX.

Fucking hell, Hobbit - I'm in awe of that outburst! RESPECT!

Drifted, total indifference to them would be the ultimate goal, the state of 'meh' I suppose I've seen mention of on here...

Nowhere remotely there yet for me..

Thanks for a distracting evening, folks. Appreciated and helps with KOKO x

Hey ConfusedNC

Good to 'see' you again.

I'm just popping off to bed 'cos I's got wurk tomorrow - but it's good to see you making great use of the bar! You're most welcome any time, I'm sure. Divorce is shit.

For those that don't know...confused and I were were in the same emotional wreckage place once upon a time. She was witty and kind and lovely and supportive to me during my own dark times. She started a wonderfully amusing thread about things we don't miss about our exes. It was very insightful and very much contributed to by those who have survived this shit.

Delighted you found us NC.

WWK.

Hobbit: I luffs you too much to get angry with you, you know that. Doesn't mean I approve of your behaviour. As for your 'outburst'...add ten decibels and a few more of NC's chosen vocabulary then we're singing in the same choir.

Hi what , good to see you, I'm not too sure I'm the best qualified for this, I'm sure some of the other ladies will be along in a bit to advise.
It's a difficult one isn't it? They are bound to start picking up that things are different. Love to you and your little ones.

drifted Didn't Shania Twain's husband dump her for her best mate?

hobbit what a useless prick, really doesn't even have the imagination to book a different hotel? Can you just imagine the conversations? "Oh this is the little taverna hobbit and I had dinner in one night", "hobbit and I went here", "hobbit and I had cocktails at the bar". Twat. I'd be mortified if a partner took me to an old stomping ground that he'd taken his former partner to!

whatyou My fucknut of an ex is still adamant he'll be winning "best father of the year" awards - he doesn't seem to have quite understood that he's going to be a father 4 days a month and in time there will be another man who is here 26 days a month whom his kids turn to.

Thank you for the advice on what to say re: crying & sadness.

What that's heartbreaking. I know nothing about this, so ignore my advice, but I'd be tempted to tell them that sometimes friends just fall out and even though it makes you sad that's just the way it is. I'm thinking that that will help them at school and with their own friendships.

I am raging! My MIL has just told me that from here on in it can only be ugly court battles. FFS I'm not the one fucking someone else and with an absolute refusal to attend counselling/marriage guidance!

How come she's so involved swiss? Are you two close, does she provide childcare etc?

WWK I have pm'd you. Hope you don't mind! But didn't want to ramble too much here.

Swiss - I would practice ignoring her completely. Disengage. You have no idea the powerful feeling this gives you. Of blissfully ignoring crap you simply do not HAVE to deal with! I have enjoyed such a moment only today. I had to email ex (see yesterday's post for expletives) today to deal with matters I chose not to bring up at handover yesterday in front of my son. His reply was such crap. But oh so lovely to ignore it and laugh at the idiocy.

Easier said but it gets easier in time.

Hobbit - wow, he really lacks imagination doesn't he? How flattering for OW. But big thank you for letting me prop the bar. Nice place you got here

You are so welcome confused , have a gin on me, still raging, I'm liking fucknugget and fuckbucket , my new moniker for the treacherous pair of twats. KOKO everyone....

Hello everyone
Have been reading & not posting for the weeks since I first arrived. Everyone more knowledgeable than me generally!

Whatyou - I'm in a similar situation except he's already living with OW & my youngest is only 9 months. We've told the 4 year old that daddy got a new job near nanny & grandad's (coz he moved home before renting with the slaggy girlfriend & her 4 year old) for now and then on facetime make sure she knows when she's going to see him again etc

Massive blip here this week - a friend was fb stalking & saw that ow had changed her profile pic to scan pic. Cue me sending him a message & him doing a massive passive aggressive fb rant about people interfering and he hasn't done anything wrong.
Not my finest moment - but it's when not if she gets pregnant I'm sure otherwise the lazy twat might have to get a job...

Hi twisted - oh my word, is he having a baby with ow? How long ago did he leave? This is my worst nightmare that ex might have a baby with ow and he will care even less about the children we have. He only sees dd once a week as it is despite me telling him she needs more frequent contact. he has no intention of upping that contact when our baby arrives either!
I just tell dd (2.5) that daddy is gone but she'll see him soon. It's so shit and impossible to know what to say for the best. The only advice I've had is to be honest and definitive in an age appropriate way.

Koko xx

No apparently she's 100% not pregnant. Bit strange to put scan pic of your 4.5 year old as profile pic if you ask me but there you go! It's just a matter of time I reckon.

We do facetime 3x per week & he sees them 1 x per fortnight ish. I know it's supposed to be in the child's best interests to maintain a relationship with father but dunno how 9 month old will ever have one with him tbh. 4 year old v accepting for now. It's shit though - why couldn't he put them first?

Disengage right. I did tell him to get as many lawyers and court cases as he wanted - he won't be granted more access. I pulled just one weekend (but still allowed him to see them) after his fuckwittery.

Ex has had a vasectomy so at least I don't need to worry about that. Sorry for all of you and I believe that twisted's ex is having a baby. This "I didn't so anything wrong, we split up absolves them of guilt".

Last night he skyped mine. They both asked him outright to live with mummy again because they don't like him gone. Heartbreaking.

Whayousee - I'm living that too. He's NOW pointed out my "failings" and I've held up my hands and agree. Funnily enough, I have changed some of those behaviours already because I knew they weren't healthy for me. When we were together I was somewhat blind to my faults because I was so busy trying to keep all the plates spinning. Why didn't he raise them before? Why did he ignore the leaflet I brought home about marriage guidance before Xmas? Not the easy option. Twat.

Good luck with the date!

ARGH!! Fucking solicitors being fucking useless and me having to fucking pay them for the fucking pleasure.

Sorry all - misled you. That'll teach me to post when I'm knackered.
She's apparently not pregnant - despite changing her profile pic to scan pic. It must have been a timehop thing even though it didn't look like it!
Awful night with teething baby made me hate him even more. When do you get to the stage where they don't even cross your mind for weeks on end???

I've had a really good run of good days, perhaps three? But battling with solicitors this morning and an insurance company and then being shamed by the dentist... I lost it and had a cry when the dentist's receptionist was lovely.
I want my resilience back.

Sorry everyone for all the shit. I am liking the swearing. This shit is HARD.

I have had 2 hours sleep and am not making much sense but I am thinking of you and wishing us all safe passage to the land of meh.

I am feeling that I look like the ironing lady on the previous page and that I will never have another relationship. Those of you getting back on the dating scene - how do you find trust that there are any good ones out there for you? And how do you find trust in your instincts again? I've lost all faith in myself. I thought I'd chosen a good 'un, thought we were so in love. I chose....poorly.

Oh well. I am sure I will feel not so loserish in a day or so.

Myturn I want a different resilience. I had the resilience of a carthorse before - just keep going, one foot in front of the other, just carry on...I want a resilience that is based on trust in the universe and in myself. I can't remember the last time I felt like that.

I had that kind of resilience before, and I think we can both get it again. In fact we've probably both already got, just not as much as we'd like to have in the future.

I've joined a couple of the dating sites. The good thing is that I don't feel I'm missing out on any chances. The bad thing is that there haven't been any eligible chances. It's funny at the moment, but I can imagine it wearing thin.

I was starting to feel sad again earlier, so I took an hour off my work and amongst other things I made some chocolate cornflake cakes which I then started eating (still warm) until I felt so sick I couldn't eat any more.

Oh dear. Now I want chocolate cornflake cakes. Maybe luckily I have just been prescribed iron tablets (urrrgghhhh) so I have to be far more careful about what and when I eat.

I tell you what, I am REALLY OVER shaming dentists. Who needs 'em. Glad the receptionist was lovely. I hope you are right about the resilience; today I feel like a puddle.

Hobbit - the holiday lack-of-original-thought was really crass.

The thing with the dentist is that I was supposed to get about £5000 worth of work done. Two days before the initial consultation with the specialist, exDP left me. I decided that I just couldn't commit to that kind of cost or surgery so postponed the appointment.

Fastforward to today when I see my usual dentist. I explained that I had cancelled the appointment with the specialist because my personal circumstances had changed dramatically and I had slightly more urgent things to deal with and didn't have the money at the moment for the most expensive option, but would he mind just going through the other options again. He said, "I don't see the point, we've gone through them a few times before and let's face it you're not going to get the work done are you?". At the time I kept very calm and rational and explained again that I had made my decision, but things had changed and I genuinely couldn't remember the other options we'd discussed earlier this year.
But I don't feel calm or collected now, I am crying just remembering it. I wanted to scream, "I'm sorry this takes up your precious time but this wasn't my choice, for the whole month I've had to deal with this fucking shit that wasn't my choice and I'm fucking sick of men being patronising today".

(I hope you will all excuse that boring me-me-me rant but I don't have anyone else to share my day with).