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Original poster

HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

999 replies

Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah · 18/06/2015 08:21

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

  1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
  2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
  3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
  4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
  5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
  6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
  7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11
OP posts:
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26
bobs123 · 22/06/2015 01:23

Hi Donatello and welcome. Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like he is in complete denial. This is not the first time I've read about how poorly/suicidal/poor they suddenly become as they try to make it all about them.

I've googled deemed service - didn't know it existed! Are you doing it on a 2 year separation basis? He will of course have been notified that the nisi has gone through. Do you think he isn't opening his mail? Has he got a sol? Perhaps receiving it will be a good thing and will give him a jolt that it is all real and you mean it.

My nisi went through on a 2 yr separation while living in the same house. On the basis of all the procrastination and lack of response I have had since I started the process (Autumn 2013) if I could do it again I would be going straight to court - after attempting mediation of course because you have to.

You sound like you have a sol who is on the ball. I've read the note on Form A (for applying to court which I have just done) and I don't think any exemptions apply to you (domestic violence etc) What does your sol say? Perhaps you have to attend the initial MIAM (on your own) and make sure you have proof he has been offered the same. My ex cancelled various sessions. I think they had to give him a certain number of chances. If he does go, but won't cooperate, I wouldn't waste any more time on it. you only need to go once to satisfy the court

After that it's application to court. If you google form E that is where you have to detail all your finances and he will be expected to do the same. If he does move out, you will need to make sure he pays maintenance for the DC (give him 2 weeks to start on a voluntary basis then go to the CMS) If you know his pay your sol can work it out.

It's a shit time and I hope you and the DC get through it ok. It's got to be tough on them if he is being nasty Flowers

bobs123 · 22/06/2015 01:24

Hi Donatello and welcome. Sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like he is in complete denial. This is not the first time I've read about how poorly/suicidal/poor they suddenly become as they try to make it all about them.

I've googled deemed service - didn't know it existed! Are you doing it on a 2 year separation basis? He will of course have been notified that the nisi has gone through. Do you think he isn't opening his mail? Has he got a sol? Perhaps receiving it will be a good thing and will give him a jolt that it is all real and you mean it.

My nisi went through on a 2 yr separation while living in the same house. On the basis of all the procrastination and lack of response I have had since I started the process (Autumn 2013) if I could do it again I would be going straight to court - after attempting mediation of course because you have to.

You sound like you have a sol who is on the ball. I've read the note on Form A (for applying to court which I have just done) and I don't think any exemptions apply to you (domestic violence etc) What does your sol say? Perhaps you have to attend the initial MIAM (on your own) and make sure you have proof he has been offered the same. My ex cancelled various sessions. I think they had to give him a certain number of chances. If he does go, but won't cooperate, I wouldn't waste any more time on it. you only need to go once to satisfy the court

After that it's application to court. If you google form E that is where you have to detail all your finances and he will be expected to do the same. If he does move out, you will need to make sure he pays maintenance for the DC (give him 2 weeks to start on a voluntary basis then go to the CMS) If you know his pay your sol can work it out.

It's a shit time and I hope you and the DC get through it ok. It's got to be tough on them if he is being nasty Flowers

bobs123 · 22/06/2015 01:28

whoopsy - never done that before - can' even blame the ipad coz I don't have one Blush

WellWhoKnew · 22/06/2015 07:54

Morning all. I'm not sure about all this "wurking" malarky - it means you have to get out of bed and do shit. Still, all the other bits are great.

Hi Donatello. Welcome to the bar! I got excused MIAMS, so I might be wrong, but from what I understand if you want to get the process (mildly) speeded up, book an appointment with MIAMS, attend once, throw away a few hundred pounds, get your FM1 (proof of attempt) then apply to court for a timetable. As Bobs has found, you can waste a helluva lot of time and money trying to get someone who refuses to negotiate to engage with the process.

Court is absolutely not the soft or easy option, nor is it cheap (if you use legal bods) but if he really won't engage (and given it's you who wants to divorce) he can play as merry hell for as long as he likes until the clock runs out.

The only thing I can assure everyone is that this really does end, and no matter whether you like the outcome or not, the stress and pressure of divorce does go away and you start to feel like there's the potential to have a normal life.

Iwas I'm sad, but not surprised, you've hit a 'wall' to use the marathon analogy where you have a sudden, dramatic and unexpected 'back to the early days of shock and distress' moment. As I've said before, when Hobbit told me where they'd moved to, I felt upset by their emotional cruelty, and I'm not the one dealing with this. So, please, don't feel in anyway pathetic, or useless, or do any of the 'pull yourself together' self-talk,to make this any more difficult for yourself. It really is dreadful.

Right must pop off for breakfast. Back soon.

FuckitAndStartAgain · 22/06/2015 08:07

I was. I have had a horrible couple of days and due to work shit I am aiming for the end of the week as a survival target. Next weekend I intend to feel better. For now it is what it is and I will KOKO. I am glad you do not have to watch them move in and have family and friends to be with. Can you set a short term, I will keep going until then because then this will be done type goal?

greenberet · 22/06/2015 08:27

iwas so sorry to hear you have been struggling - you have been doing amazingly well in really tough circumstances - i am sure you will recover but in the meantime just be kind to yourself and no pressure. Hopefully you are able to stay with your sister until you feel a bit stronger - Flowers

greenberet · 22/06/2015 08:32

hi donatello - agree speak with your sol - mine told me at court if she had realised my X would have been so difficult we would have skipped mediation and gone straight with the court route - maybe his refusing to acknowledge what has been going on is enough - there is no way he is going to mediate with you -

greenberet · 22/06/2015 08:41

well like your opening today has made me laugh - I am expecting a bit of fuckwittery today - have given X deadline of midday on 2 counts - so we'll see whats in store

been doing some more of them spreadshits - not quite sure how the X has managed to spend what he has over the last year seeing as there is no money! what bullshit!

izzie been thinking of you are you ok?

Hope fathers day wasnt too painful for you all - but its another day ticked off the list!

feeling tired today & bit rundown - have this funny throat/sinus thing that seems to be going around & head is thumping but got stuff to do

KOKO everyone LGO xx

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 22/06/2015 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hobbitwife001 · 22/06/2015 10:02

Hi everyone, sorry to hear about your little one what , I hope he is ok, what an idiot to not make sure he was though, just extra stress for you to deal with.
I've had incoming from FF this morning asking about the consent order again, Jesus, I've told him my sol will email it to him to approve when its completed, does he think its just a two minute jot down on a post-it note? It's a complicated legal document FFS.

I know that this is because he had no contact from my sons for Father's Day yesterday, he's trying to imply I'm stalling the process and influencing them against him. I have done no such thing, they are adults and as such make their own decisions. What did he expect? A " you're the greatest dad in the world" trophy?

greenberet · 22/06/2015 15:26

he has done it again - it doesnt matter what I do everytime he twists it around - I am so fucking fed up of all this - i cant even write down what he has done - i need to speak to womens aid

greenberet · 22/06/2015 15:36

is anyone there - i am struggling - womens aid busy

bobs123 · 22/06/2015 15:49

Hi green I'm here Smile

bobs123 · 22/06/2015 15:49

Want to PM?

TheOldWiseOne · 22/06/2015 16:19

Me too...

Rozalia · 22/06/2015 17:23

I'm here too Green. I found the local Women's Aid easier to get through to. They were lovely when I was in terror and despair.

Thinking of you

Hobbitwife001 · 22/06/2015 17:28

You ok green my love, what's the Twunt up to now?

Izzie595 · 22/06/2015 17:38

Green PMd you xx

Donatello68 · 22/06/2015 17:46

Thank you all for your support and advice - much appreciated. Well - thanks for the reassurance that there is life at the end of the tunnel. It is all so exhausting and seems never ending at the mo.

AccordingtoMe · 22/06/2015 17:55

green really hope you are ok lovely X

WellWhoKnew · 22/06/2015 18:35

Green Whenever any of us have to have contact with t'other side, if they are the abusive type (or your bona fide twat) they will widen up in anyway to maximise the 'fuckwittery'.

I've seen it time and time and time again. The only successful way of dealing with it is DO NOT BELIEVE in what HE SAYS and DO NOT ENGAGE with any attemptst to provoke you. If you're hurt by what he's saying, remember this:

He has an agenda to hurt you. It doesn't mean even he believes it to be true - but he's found an opportunity to inflict pain. Evil cunt.

It doesn't change who you are.

Fuckwittery always abounds just before and just after a court hearing. Clearly, he's not happy with how the FDA went then. That's my reading of it.

KOKO.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 22/06/2015 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenberet · 22/06/2015 20:43

hi all - thanks for replies - izzie got yours will get myself sorted - i have spent all afternoon on this one way or another -it completly drains you!

he thinks it sensible that I do not attend meeting with developer due to my real & palpable anger & hostility to my X that was displayed almost a year ago now when I was shouting & swearing at him & stalking him on facebook ( see attached harrassment letters in case you have forgotten how "unstable" your client is)

so my DF has said he will go but the X will still not confirm where & when

the situation with DD was also brought up - I interrupted contact time again accused the X of being a liar and said I could not trust him - what a naughty girl I am - I have proof that he is a liar - all the emails I sent over 6 months saying there must be OW and he continually denied it - does this not make him a liar as well as an EVIL no 6!

well it gets to me I dont know why - infact I do its the fear that I will not be believed - when you see it in black & white from his sol and know it is just blatant lies & manipulation this is what gets to you.

just never bloody ending

1nogoingback3 · 22/06/2015 20:50

Evening all. It does seem to never end.

green Flowers

Donatello welcome. You see organised and strong and have come to the right place.

KOKO xx

greenberet · 22/06/2015 20:50

oh & by the way I know what he is going to do re the meeting - he is not going to tell me where & when - somehow he will have not got the email or just be ignoring it like he does most other things so he goes to the meeting on his own and I cant do anything that may give the game away as then I will get my wrists slapped and by the time we wind up in court it will all be irrelevant that he manipulated the situation once again to get an outcome he wants regardless of what the kids want because at the end of the day this is all about money - sod the fucking kids let them move house - why not - they have got through divorce and cancer - whats a house move on top of gsce years - guess I will be taking a sleeping tablet tonight