HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

I have a happy DD2 - well I think she's happy, she just feels knackered! A Levels all done now, just the results to wait for. So the free taxi did an hour round trip to take her to a pre-party party, then she's going to a party, then she's going clubbing in town. I won't wait up

Green I'm wondering if it would raise enough money for a decent house plus school fees. What was the latest re school,fees?

Hi Green

So trying to understand this. Someone is going to make an offer for your house at above market rates because, presumably, they are going to apply to develop the land behind your house.

This effectively increases the 'pot' to be divided up.

You, on the other hand, want to keep the family home. He, however, is determined that you leave the family home. Have I understood this correctly?

So what you need to do is know what exactly the offer is (remember your ex can't accept it without your consent). So, firstly, your solicitor needs to write and ask for any disclosure and correspondence between ex and developer. Your solicitor can, with your consent, also write to the developer and ask directly what his offer is etc.

You need to do your homework on whether it is likely the developer would get Planning Permission - so get all the old info on why it was declined last time etc, whether the objections that emerged last time are still relevant etc.

Arrange your own meeting with the developer to understand exactly what his offer is, what research he's done before etc.

If this is a cynical attempt to manipulate events then you need to do your research to counter ex. Ex wants to exclude you because you won't agree to his wishes, but he must keep you informed of all the negotiations that he's entering into.

Green I would seriously consider an offer from the developer if it was a generous one. If your house is the only way they can gain access, that puts you in a strong position to drive a hard bargain. it could open up a whole new range of possibilities. All I'm saying is don't rule it out

If the developer can gain access via another route and build housing, this may lower the value of your house of course. And surely a valuation is what it would be worth on the open market, and not what one developer would pay for it? I would think that an inflated valuation would have to be substantiated by hard evidence of an agreement to sell the house to them, not in a speculative approach. That's just my lay common sense view of it

thanks ladies - izzie hes been told if he wants kids to stay he has to pay but is still going along the lines not enough money but has done nothing about the top end rental fees he is paying

yes well that is the crux of it - think he is saying i am too mentally unstable to attend a meeting and would give it away that we are going through divorce process which would then lower any offer - my gut feeling is that he has already had some sort of discussion but obviously wont confirm and his sol is no SHL - seems to know nothing!!

Green he has a point about keeping the divorce under wraps, so I would think very carefully before getting your solicitor to write direct to the developers. It may be that you have no option but to sell anyway, or you may change your mind.

bobs just read your post about doing the divorce yourself - X is continually harping on about no money and my extravagent fees all a result of his fuckwittery and complete refusal to cooperate.

This land mecca of "meh" - i am so close to this now - its not facing him in court that causes the anxiety - its the unknown process and having no control over your own outcome anymore - what i feel for him is pity - pity that a professional human being has to stoop so low to regain some sense of his own self worth. Doesn't matter what the outcome of this is at the end as what I have learned about myself in this process is priceless!

izzie thanks - yes get all that not made any decision yet on what I am going to do - will think on it over weekend - off out no for a bit of distraction !! thank you ladies x

Agree with you Izzie: this is really an issue as to whether it's in your (Green's) best interests long-term to fight to retain the family home.

Homes are usually the most important possession we have. Memories are tied up in them and they are much invested in. Our feelings of safety, security, and family are much more than the bricks and mortar that a house provides.

And being forced to sell the home because your husband has done a bunk is 'just' another insult to come to terms with. It's horrifically cruel, I think, when your marriage has imploded (especially because of his dangly bit**) and then you're forced out of your home too.

For me having to deal with the properties and getting them on the market is where I just completely lost any sense of proportion. I had to do this because he left - I clearly couldn't afford to keep either of them. But they were two things I had really loved owning and investing in. He may have detached from them, I certainly hadn't.

That's where the damage is done so I understand why you want to retain it. And I understand that this may just be a cynical attempt to inflate the 'pot' to make sure you can't keep the home.

Financials are all about cold, hard numbers (the court action of it all). But so much of divorce is dealing with the emotional pain and cruelty.

not wishing to offend Drifted here: I'm sure you're going through a similar wringer/ and finding your time with your child limited because of her affair must also be incredibly gut-wrenching.

Decks welcome. Divorce is a shocker, isn't it?

Ho Deck blimey what's going on?

so is she a -cunt- too?

bollocks sorry your sil is a twunt, there are so many snakes in all this malarky, what do they get out of all of this