HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

so i went - the conversation went like this

"i told you not to come - this is my time with the kids"
"this is not about who's time it is - dd asked me to come because she said she was unhappy - this is also my time - I cant trust anything you say I have to go with DD"
" you are paranoid - she is just having a strop - ds is she just having a strop"
"ill take her for a coffee and bring her back"
"no - this is my time - you take her & she doesn't come back"

so I chat with her outside for 10 mins - she doesn't know what to do she doesn't really want to be there but feels she has to especially as its Fathers day tomorrow - poor girl she is struggling - so she stays & I tell her to try and write down what she is feeling.

the upshot of this - he doesn't tell me what to do - she knows I care and will come if she needs me - she has stayed so he gets his time but now cant twist this around and say I couldn't be bothered to turn up when DD needed me.

as for being paranoid - this is one of the classic abuser lines to defend their action!

and you know what he seems to really beleive this is all down to me!

So all you have is a flat in his name? Well I guess that all you can do is, if there is not enough in the matrimonial pot, to ask to include this to ensure you can both move on/rehouse etc

This would sound very iffy in court that ownership of a property has changed from the resident to the non resident - with ostensibly no money changing hands, and I would want that querying.

So it sounds like you did the right thing green well done Whatever we say on here, only you know your daughter and at the end of the day it's about them, not what you or he wants. The writing it down bit is good

thank you ladies - i felt doomed whatever i did - DD was crying & she just doesn't cry -so I had to go with her rather than X who has proven he is untrustworthy - I just cant take anything at face value as far as he is concerned - what he doesn't seem to get is that this is also my time without kids -surely a "normal" person would have said ok just take her for a coffee rather than make the threats he did infront of her.

this abuse thing goes on forever - such a control freak - i have to keep reminding myself how much he lied to me at the beginning because being capable of this means he is capable of anything and that includes manipulating his kids

Bobs this is so bloody hard all the time - its like when you become parents - there is no guide book to tell you what to do - it is all trial & error - and when you are dealing with someone who just doesnt think that anything I say or do has an ounce of credibility it just makes everything so complicated.

Yes it's tough - there is no practice run to this. DD2 is having a melt down atm as she came off the ADs cold turkey (2 weeks ago) instead of gradually and is having trouble coping. It's difficult to explain to her that drugs like this have to be treated with respect and you can't just stop them if you don't like the way they make you feel. there is a knock-on effect to this and I don't know how long it ill last. I have told her to see the doctor next week

no doubt by monday the version will be i turned up unannounced at his house demanding to take DD home because I am the mad deranged cow. what he seems to forget is the time when he was really bad & his DF was supposed to turn up for him - didnt bother - too busy - when I challenged DFil i got a mouthful of abuse from him and have not spoken to him since.
DD knows I am there for her thats all that matters - she is feeling rejected big time - always gets like this when spends time with X - maybe when shes here she can almost pretend it hasn't happened but spending time there makes it real

Well presumably at some point she will be able to choose for herself if she wants to see him

Green I hope you don't feel I'm out of place but this is what my daughter has been doing to me since h moved out. If I had any sort of row with her she phoned her father and made out like I was a raving bitch from Hell. I'm not suggesting that your ex isn't a twat but my dd certainly knows how exactly to play us both. WA also said that judges don't react kindly to one parent undermining the other when they have their access etc. So though I completely understand you going for you, I would maybe let him handle it if it happens again. I just know that I find it dreadful that H believes I would make out dd so miserable xxx

Hi Decks how you feeling tonight?

Decks You OK?

JESS should get a job in Hollywood - can I be here Manager ?

What's your latest thread called Decks?

What's everyone up to tomorrow?

We're going to a heated outdoor pool weather permitting, forecast is good for the afternoon.

I'm "up north" so not that warm but it's heated and we're brave.