HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

WWK you know that crash you were talking about well might it be something like a huge and sudden feeling of guilt and your mind working overtime trying to figure out what you should have done differently but not coming up with any sensible answer because the only only alternative to divorce was to put up with an abusive cheat?

Bobs - seriously, you're doing the right thing by taking control of your divorce. Yes, you are going to make mistakes with the bureaucracy of it (that be because it's your first time), and also because you are not a trained professional in divorce.

However, judges (being impartial, opinionated; not normal members of society) constantly whinge about LIPS but yet give out at the cost of litigation, have yet to discover a means of kiboshing the dichotomy that us 'fools' must choose between (or have no choice to).

MrsC is the expert in form filling. Knowing the woman as I do - she's bright, attractive, witty, hilarious, bloody good mother...and most important of all: kind hearted. She will help, I'm sure, anyone who asks. She has managed her own divorce, whilst I paid £££££ to have mine managed. We represent two extremes of the divorce conundrum.

I'm bloody marvellous when it comes to selecting fruit in supermarkets. I am quite happy to stealth boast on appropriate occasions!

Well I can only tell him that I tried the route using professionals and it didn't work, and after spending over 10K I'm not wasting any more money on useless emails that get me nowhere. I'm presuming that now I've de-instructed my sol he can't charge anything more after that date.

I will however reserve the right to use a barrister if it comes to a Final Hearing. Not sure if I'll have to use a Direct Access one and take my chances, or if I can use the one i've already seen via my sol (but without the sol)

MrsC has been a great help

Tabby I can tell you all about my 'crash'. It was sudden, unexpected, shit and horrible.

Like drowning.

Just as I was passing out, I floated up and got some air. Then I sank again but not so deeply, before I bobbed to the surface again.

And that's how it is. I have moments of drowning, hours of floating, and spurts of swimming.

When I can swim, I swim as fast and as hard as I can.

I do not believe for one minute "David Hasselhoff" in ridiculous red shorts, sucking his stomach in, denying his youth with his plastic surgery, is going to 'save' me.

More to the point, if that oaf was swimming towards me, I'd pop a cyanide pill.

When the 'crash' happens, it happens. You start the so called 'grief cycle' again. You go into shock, then denial...and all that bollocks.

I crashed (again) two days ago. The next day I was fine. I had a lovely, long chat with MrsC this evening. She said 'why didn't you ring?'. I didn't ring because I just know it's the way it is. I talk about it after, not during. It's my way. And that's fine. I know everyone wants to help. I want to help. It's the accidental way we learn to survive, which ensures we survive.

You're normal. So am I. Just some days are fucking hard.

But yes - the guilt. It's a menace.

Bobs - you can select any barrister you wish. Email them and ask for their services.

If they insist you go through a solicitor, then it's up to you whether or not, you pay a couple of hundred quid to satisfy the bureaucracy.

Alternatively, email 100 barristers with your 'fee' for work and see who answers. Select the one who you are most comfortable to work with.

The legal professional has yet to catch up to the fact that they don't control market forces...

On the other hand, if they are busy with work...expect them to say something to the effect of 'I'm busy with work'.

That be market forces. [I have a degree in economics...can't you tell?]

Gosh that sounds shit it sounds like going back to the start I don't feel that bad....yet....not niave enough the think it won't still happen though. Just had a couple of days of guilt and confusion.

Tabby a crash is a crash is a crash. You might be driving a 'go-kart' whilst the next poster is driving a F1 car on a Sunday in Monaco.

It's all relative.

The whole point is: if you're giving yourself a hard time for things you can't control (like your emotions), then you're having a tough time.

We're here to say: fuck it all. You might not even be able to drive a vacuum cleaner. None of us are coming to terms with crashing a go-kart or a F1 car. We're all just trying to cope with divorce.

So if you're dipping. Acknowledge the dip. You don't need to ask for help. In this bar, someone will pull up a stool and say 'hey you'.

Hello ladies (and drifted ). I need some hand holding and stern talking to. My H told me he didn't love me nearly 10 months ago, moved out 8 months ago, no OW just unhappy. Now I know being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave, but I had no idea he was thinking of leaving and I never got a chance to work at it, he refused counselling, when I stepped back I could see the mistakes we had made, lack of time for us etc. but nothing that, had the will been there, couldnt have been fixed. Obviously it's all my fault, he tried. And that's why I am finding that this shit is hard. We were together 20 years and married for over 10.

2 DCs so we have to see each other. The problem is, despite it all I still love him deeply, and I can't let go. He on the other hand checked out months ago, although very occasionally there is the smallest shread of doubt.

He said he didn't love me but I was still nice to him because I wanted him to come back;
He wouldn't touch me but I was still nice to him...
He moved out but I am still nice to him...
He has moved into an unfurnished house and completely furnished it, but I am still nice to him...
He's gone on a romantic weekend with his girlfriend and I am still nice to him...

Now I realise my self esteem is in the gutter, but even I can see this is pathetic.

The stupid thing is I have lovely friends telling me he's not worth it, he tells me he's not worth it, I have a decent job (neglected somewhat recently), i will be fine financially, I have two amazing DCs who live with me, I'm 42 and a size 8 (lost 1.5 stones over this).

I am seeing him tomorrow and I think I have to tell him that he has lost his chance to reunite his family and have his children around (the youngest is only 5) as they grow up, and see them day to day. Every other weekend doesn't really count. He had a chance and it could have all been alright and then draw a line under all this.

cassa You need to believe your friends and believe that time does help. Any man that can do what he has done, is not worth it. He should have committed time to saving the marriage - no doubt at all. Any man worth his salt with a wife and young children should have left no stone unturned to try to resolve the issues before calling time on his family. You seem lovely with a lot to live for still. I feel much the same and although my children are older I think I'm most angry that he unilaterally decided it was over. Decent people try - they try hard.

Cassa - it's heart breaking when they won't try or even acknowledge how the problems could be resolved. Don't beat yourself up for being nice, I've done that too, just means you're the bigger person. But don't look back, it's not where you're headed my lovely. Allow yourself time to feel crap and wallow but remember that doesn't mean that him coming back would resolve anything if he wouldn't bother trying.

As you say you have beautiful children, you are beautiful and slim and it's his loss, you deserve so much more than what he has done. You still love him because you're human xx

cassa my sweetheart, you have done everything possible to try and repair any perceived problems to try and keep your family together. He has not. He hasn't shown the slightest inclination of being willing to work on your relationship even for the sake of your children. I'm so sorry, but you are wasting your time, he has checked out months ago and you are still playing catch up.

Don't think you have failed, the failure is all his. These men have some vital component missing in their brain to treat the mother of their children so callously. He is not going to come back my love, that particular ship has sailed. It's time to build a new normal for you and your children, one without him as the focus. He is not worth any more of your headspace, you will come through this, you will find someone worthy of you, < if that is what you want>
It is hard because you still have feelings for him, you can't switch those off overnight, you have a long history together and it will take time.

Hello everyone
Can I join you please? I'm still in the very early stages but need a safe place to whine/vent/cry that isn't public (fb), directly at him & the OW or always to rl friends whose bound to get bored of it!
I have a 4 year old & a 7 month old, stbxh left in March & moved over 100 miles away, moved in with OW 3 weeks ago ( she relocated for him with her 4yo dd)
We had been together 12 years & married 6.
It's less than a year since he allegedly first met her IRL & based on what I've read here he has followed cheater's script perfectly.
Unhappy for years (only vocalised once they'd agreed to be together) etc, we don't have as much fun as we used to, he doesn't get enough attention since DD1 was born blah blah
I'm v sad that we won't grow old together, bring our children up together, that Dd2 will never really know him properly & v v angry that he's selfishly made my life difficult to make his own easy, that he checked out & gave up on our family & marriage before he'd even tried/let us try to fix it, that he said he wasn't leaving for her and yet miraculously they are now living together, and that he keeps crying about missing the children in front of them.
Haven't started divorce proceedings yet - was advised informally by family lawyer friend of friend to wait a year because too many people pay a fortune & then get back together.

Hello twisted sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure I can offer great advice given my post above but you have found a good place to rant and get support. They rewrite history to justify their decision, it's hard because they come up with reasons that are unfair, but that is what they believe.

If it is any consolation, I think you might find him being that far away is good, I wish mine was, out of sight out of mind is good when you are trying to recover. What I am clinging onto now is my children and the fact I have them and will enjoy them growing up. One day, maybe, you'll have someone else who treats you properly and who will be putting his children to bed in the evening -he won't like that. What will he have... A relationship started on secrets and lies, it will soon get normal and be less exciting, more kids for him? that will only bring the guilt of what he did to his first ones, and regrets when he realises he messed up. But it will too late then.

Hi Cassa. Firstly, you're not pathetic. You're hurting and grieving for a marriage that has collapsed because he walked out of it. So feeling bereft about that is perfectly normal. Ten months is no time at all after twenty years and two children together.

Lots of people (friends/family) will tell you lots of things - but unless you agree with them, you won't accept what they are saying (that's true for all of us, not just 'you'). But they aren't the ones feeling "this" or directly affected by "this" so whilst they aren't wrong, they can't switch of your very real and natural feelings!

There's nothing wrong with being nice to people. You're clearly a nice person. You also share children with him, so it's clear your motivation is to make sure that despite the split, your children see that you can still jointly parent. That is a huge accomplishment and not an easy one.

You've spent 10 months trying to figure out where it all went wrong and come to some conclusions about that. What you haven't done, it seems from what you've written, is come to any conclusions on how you are going to get your self-esteem out of the gutter.

That's the hard part for all of us! But that needs to be the starting point in my opinion. I'm not sure there's much point in telling him what he's lost. He's got to feel it and if he can't, then he can't. There's something wrong with him (clearly there is!) but you can show him that you're getting on with your family life without him in it. That's when it'll dawn on him.

But there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. So how can you/your friends and us help you get your self-esteem out of the gutter?

Hi Twisted. This is the place to vent and rant - we never get bored of it.

It's an excellent idea to avoid ranting on facebook and him! Some friends will get bored of it - excellent friends will be fine about it when you need to have a meltdown.

Funny my solicitor said to crack on with divorce - and then get back together. I am horrified of the idea of getting back together now!

Crikey he's a shit! You have a 7 month old? And he needs to come first? And there's a woman who is quite happy to put him first! And she has a little one too, you say? And she's just moved to be with him?. No bloody wonder you're angry.

I'm angry reading that - and I'm not married to him.

So do have a good old vent with us. There's other women (and man) here who also have young children and know just how bloody hard work it is.

Hello Twisted , sorry to hear your story, but welcome anyway.
We never get tired of venting and ranting and swearing here, we know how you feel and can offer a shoulder or a hand when you need it.

There are quite a few ladies who have young children here, who can offer you some advice with your situation re contact, maintenance etc, how are you managing financially ? Is he still supporting the family ?

Thank you all For your welcome & sorry there are so many of us!
Overall I'm coping better than expected. Exhausted & constantly playing catch-up & that's without being at work full time but gradually getting into a routine.
Managing ok financially so far. He is paying a bit more than csa amount - which he bloody should considering we doubled the mortgage when we moved last year (total not monthly payment). However since OW is not working & will lose her lone parent/housing benefits moving in with him, not expecting that to last much longer.
Nearly cried when I realised how much I'd been carrying him financially for years but oddly it makes it easier to cope now!
Shocked by how much I was entitled to in tax credits. It'll only be this year & next year while I have reduced income & dear old George might take it away in his July budget but every penny helps.
On paper I am still just about solvent when I go back to work & my childcare bill increases by £400 per month but it's going to be tight for the first time in years so culture shock coming. Am not rich but used to having disposable income and not worrying about bits & bob's of ad hoc spending.
Contact has been quite amicable so far - my choice to let him be in the house as I want a familiar surrounding for my babies. Not advised necessarily but what I think is right for us. He comes down for the day 1 x per fortnight or 3 weeks.
Have told him he has to stay with his parents if he wants to take 4 year old for the weekend - no intro to OW & daughter - or reintro since the manipulative bastard got us to go out as a family to meet her last year.
It's only been bank hols so far. It's too much travelling for a 4 year old to go up on a Fri night and back Sunday every other weekend in my opinion & until we go to court! & hard for her when her sister stays with me (breastfed & too young)
It annoys me that he essentially has his 20's back again in terms of no day to day responsibility, ability to go out & waltzes in and plays fun daddy & feeds her McDonald's & buys her overpriced tat from Disney store.
I know logically that it's his loss ultimately & I get to enjoy seeing my babies grow up but when I have to double the price of a night out to pay childcare, trying to do double bedtime & both are screaming & then baby wakes up 5 times between 7 & midnight & 3 times in the night & 4 yo wants to get up at 5 (an extreme day not everyday!) life seems incredibly unfair.

PS will go back and read up on who's who over the next few days as I feed dd

twisted there is a lovely lady on here called 2little who is in a very similar situation to you, I'm sure you would both have a lot to chat about. Xx

Hello twisted! I'm so sorry to hear that yet another man feels that it's ok to run away from his responsibilities and commitments and think of no one but himself. My ex left in feb, I am 26 weeks pregnant and have dd who is 2.5. No local family and he has moved 50 miles away to be with OW and after torrents of verbal abuse towards us he has chosen to cease all contact and emailed to confirm he has no future plans for contact with his children.
The crazy days where they tantrum and cry and the house is a tip and I can't get anything done it does seem entirely unfair but we are the ones who never ran out on them and kept our promise to look after them as children.
Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat more although I'm away for a week from tomorrow with limited internet but I'm normally around.

You are strong, you are brave and you are courageous and you can do this even when you think you can't because you are doing it. It does get easier although I have to confess that I think having not seen or heard from ex other than 2 emails in over a month has helped enormously. Look after you and do whatever you need to xx

ladies i need some opinions on this and twunt experience is needed
latest twist - there is developer interested in our house as access to fields behind. The X received a completely "unsolicited" letter 2 weeks before court date. he wanted to attend meeting on his own - so much so that tried to get judge to stop me from going and then tried to get me to sign a letter saying i wouldnt get involved. My suspicions are on high alert 1 because 3-5 years ago he was heavily involved in a campaign to stop houses being built on land behind us and would possibly have details of any interested parties, 2 the letter although addressed to both of us here went to him at his address through redirected mail and due to the lack of money an inflated valuation on the house would quite likely swing a decision for the house to be sold even though this is not in the kids best interest emotionally. I feel there is a big element of "spite" in all this and as he has already given up the house is manipulating the situation so that I dont get to stay here.
help appreciated as alwaysxx

Well done re the job interview what Is it a job you particularly want to do?

Well if he's not living there any more he won't care about development and will want to maximize value. Of course the kids are the priority. Can you afford to stay on living there? My friend got to stay in her house, but when her youngest is 18 she will have to give him his share and will probably have to sell. Any valuation done now will not take into account anything that might happen in the future - planning permission/development etc