HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

I agree with Hobbit Truly

Hello all, apologies I's been wurking and moving home and still getting on top of all the things in my life that have changed in recent weeks. It's a year this week since my first court hearing, which was just three months after he suddenly upsticks and off fucked. Leaving me in a financial hellhole. Oh, and an emotional one too.

Funnily enough I remembered that the day before, and the day after, but didn't think about it on the day. 'Cos I forgot. Meh.

So I suppose as someone who walked down the 'lonely path' it might be apt to say something to those that follow on, not just on this bar, but those who lurk - we know you're there. Do join in. You never know, you might find the vestiges of your self-esteem here. I know I did.

A year ago things were bad. I was a couple of months off hitting the bottom. The dreaded 'four to six' months, when the adrenaline wears off, and the reality overtakes, and you cease to feel anything other than dread and fear. And despair.

Those days are long gone now. Sure, I have a few moments, a few snippets, a momentary panic. But nothing as enduring as that bleak period.

I laugh several times a day. Every day.

I still don't know about the future - that still scares me. I just work on each week.

Which is a stride. It used to be cope with the five minutes. The hour. The day.

Now it's cope with the week. For some, that isn't enough progress. For me, that's about right.

But, I'm in charge of me now. And that's bloody brilliant. I'd rather be on the lonely path than dancing to someone else's tune.

Oh, and I drive every day. And I sing. Loudly.

And I don't give a fuck if it's badly. There's some plusses to the lonely path as it goes. More than you realise in the early months.

Not least - the absence of fuckwittery.

KOKO one and all.

WWK I followed your story. You may just be taking it a week at a time but you are such an inspiration.

I've spent the afternoon going through the first set of documents from the lawyer. I've also spent a few days with my parents and have gone through the finances with them, and in particular my dad. I have my support team in place - my SHL and my dad. I start my job next week and I'm giving myself a couple of weeks and then I start proceedings.

Quite frankly I'm terrified. He hasn't hit the roof yet. He will once I start official proceedings and he will go through the roof once we start on money. Before anyone asks he won't get physical. But I'm in the calm before the storm.

These last few days I've been doing ok. Spending lots of time with family and friends has been helping and I've not seen him either which has definitely helped.

And a fun Friday night chez Tom is The Good Wife, home pedicure, banana cake fresh out of the oven. And my darling dd upstairs snoring away.

So KOKO everyone.

Oh and I'm currently soaking my feet in listerine and vinegar. Pinterest told me to. I can't tell anyone in real life.

Great to read your posts both of you just now

I've spent a whole evening alone and didn't cry once. Friday night excitement here is making and eating chocolate cornflake cakes and browsing an online dating site.

You're a much braver lady than me!! I hope you find a good'un.

Just looking at the moment. It's a bit early, but I'm one of those people who fears the unknown. I find information very reassuring, so I thought I'd have a look. Online Dating didn't really exist, at least for socially confident people, back the last time I was doing this.

I hope I can join you because my heart is in a million pieces and I'm broken - and I have to bear responsibility for that.

I moved out with our DC just over 2 months ago with the help of WA. And I walked away blaming him entirely. He helped me move the day of his frandmother's funeral and he drove away back to our marital home.

I was numb, utterly numb. I just put one foot in front of the other and got up in the mornings for the children.

Ten days ago I found out he was sleeping with someone. I know it is new and I know I was the one who left - but it broke me. The sex is entirely irrelevant - but it changed everything.

Last weekend was supposed to be his residential and I put a kibosh on it and said if he wanted to see them then it would be a supervised visit. When he was due to go he asked if I was ok - I sat on the kitchen floor crying for hours about how useless I felt. It had been the kick up the arse I needed to actually examine my own behaviour and I found myself severely lacking. Ouch. Now I'm not saying here "oh I made him do it" - far from it - but we both admitted the communication had gone a couple of years ago and because our life was so fucking hard we had both closed off and EA'd each other. We'd both sat staring at the phone those first few weeks thinking "this isn't real, they'll realise any minute now".

I told him I wanted to rebuild new, not walk away and certainly not step back into what we had. He told me he loved me and he'd always be there for me.

I crashed on Tuesday and told him to come and collect the DC and dog because I was "done" - finally found my plan B. He walked straight out of work and came and I howled and sobbed again for hours (him too) but he brought me back to reality which is I can't kill myself.

His mum tore him a new one as it's opened up old wounds for her. OW is on holiday and he "won't ditch her by text" - I kind of get that but I am in emotional hell/limbo here. All I need to hear is "let's try".

He came to see DC last night and I don't know how to be anymore. I want to make myself "look nice" because I want to be a better me, but I don't want him to think it's for his benefit.

I've drunk more in the last 10 days than I have in the last 10 years, I'm back on the fags (when suicidal lung cancer doesn't seem quite the threat). I've lost a stone in ten days.

I feel like I'm in a horror film because I can hear screaming in my head constantly.

Hi, I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. Feel free to ignore these questions...

Last weekend was supposed to be his residential and I put a kibosh on it and said if he wanted to see them then it would be a supervised visit. Why did you do this?

OW? Or new girlfriend?

Have you been to the doctors? It sounds as though you could do with a bit of support. There's no need for any of us to go through hell alone.

Swisscheesetony - It sounds like you're right in the depths of it right now.

The one thing which strikes me is that you needed WA to get away from him which means there must have been abuse in the marriage. Do you have support in real life to help you other than him? Friends? Family? If you were my friend I would do anything to help you right now.

Please KOKO.

I stopped the visit because pieces of the puzzle landed in my lap uninvited. Like why he kept asking after the last visit what the DC had said etc. so I asked him if they'd met new gf - he said yes, they'd taken all kids to the park and "met up" there then my eldest had needed the loo so they'd gone back to hers. I was beyond livid - especially as less than 24hrs before at handover I'd told him how hard dc1 was taking it and he'd been put on the list for therapy. I said I couldn't trust his jusgement (or hers) of either of them felt this was even a remotely good idea.

He understands and is adamant that new gf will NOT be a part of the picture. At all.

The WA thing - I don't know. I was so low, so desperate - we didn't talk, just shouted and sniped.

Friends and family are a no-go. I'd lived abroad half my life and we came back to the UK last year. The few friends I thought I'd made really let me down when we spit - accused him of quite dreadful things. Things so unbelievably cruel yet ludicrous that I stuck up for him even though I barely wanted to talk to him. Now I'm in a new town and have the small beginnings of friendships but it's too early to release the crazy!

My family. Ugh. Had been NC for just under six months and last weds my sister emailed. I poured my heart out and instead of having my back she listed my failings as a wife and mother (she is 38, single and never had ltr) and told me she wasn't surprised he's gone out and found someone who appreciated a real man. (!) my ex who has always wanted me to try and rebuild a relationship with my family (particularly) her was shocked. It was all in an email so no "oh maybe you misheard", it was there in b&w.

I am seeing the doc on tues for an unrelated matter. I will probably call my MIL later - I know she wants to keep me close so I don't do a runner with the kids or anything - but at the same time she is "family" and she's been here

I should add, I have serious form for shutting down emotionally. It's been a really hard few years, living abroad, housing problems, money worries.

I never wanted a divorce - I just needed to breathe. If I'd been rich I'd have taken the kids off to Tuscany for the summer iykwim. He said he found her because he was bored with nothing to do and he thought I hated him.

You poor love. That sounds like an impossible mess. Are there any old friends you could reach out to? Is it possible your other friends were telling the truth about him?

I do have one great friend and she knows a lot of it but is many hundreds of miles away - truth be told I'm a little embarrassed by the situation I find myself in. "What have I done?" Running through my mind.

Oh the alleged (potential!) crime was just daft. The friends lived on a farm and said I couldn't be there anymore because there was a risk my husband would take revenge by setting fire to the barns and killing all the animals - and their children. Seriously - I know that sounds made-up because it is so fucking far out there I don't even know where it came from. And having seen my husband attempt to light the wood burner in our hold house... Haha.

And the bastard fucking cuntwittery of the universe laughing at you too.

Years before I met ex I was on a very niche dating website, we used to joke about it. I've not logged on for years and my profile was set up as living in a different country. I found out about new gf last Tuesday. On thurs I was cleaning up an old email and I checked the junk folder - in there were some notifications from this site, from a man with the username including the place name of where we now live. We are very, very remote. I checked the profile. It was my husband and these messages had come in about 2 hours after I'd confronted him and raged. That made me think "oh god, he's sorry, he wants me back" and it kind of opened my mind into thinking about where we're at. I asked him why he'd contacted me through the dating site - did it mean what I thought it meant?

What are the odds of being contacted the very same night on a niche dating site by a man who matches your husbands description and lives in the same town (population 6000!) in response to a profile created years ago by a woman living 1000 miles away? I googled the username, he's active across a number of sites and has been for years.

Fuck you universe. It's almost comical.

Hi swiss I'm an oldie in the bar though not been here a few weeks as I have been getting my head straight after finally getting to the end of the long and rocky road that is divorce.

There is a lot to unpick in your posts. If he truly is not abusive and is willing to stop all contact with his girlfriend and start afresh with you and if that is what you want then that's all good and go for it. However I am worried that there is more to this. Things were bad enough for you to seek the help of WA and move out and your friends have some alarming information which may or may not be the truth. Can you think of any reason they would have to lie?

The emergence of this new girlfriend and his foolish decision to introduce her to the DC so quickly may have clouded your judgement. How did you feel before you knew about her? Were you relieved to be living or your own and starting to build a new life? Abuse creates strong ties with the abuser which can be difficult to break and I am concerned that you may be minimising his previous abuse of you.

My suggestions would be to stop drinking so that you can get a clear head. Don't worry about the fags you can deal with that at a later date when you feel stronger. Forget about your sister, you gave it a try but she let you down. See your doctor as soon as you can to talk through whether you might be depressed and see what help is available, your DC need you and no man is worth taking their mum away. Speak to the WA support worker who helped you to move and talk it all through to get an outside perspective to help you decide what to do next.

Hello swiss , I'm so sorry you are in this pain and turmoil, it must be hell for you atm. To be honest it sounds like you are in the grip of depression and I think you need to see your gp as soon as you can, especially with you contemplating harming yourself.

It seems like you have been dealing with a lot for a long time and your relationship has suffered because of this. But it does sound as if your husband is willing to reconcile, so if this is what you want for you and your children then you need to get some help so you can make the right decisions going forward.

Is that what you want to happen? It's not really clear if you do.
Please look after yourself.

I suppose in some respects I went to WA because I was (am) lonely and although I was able to arrange housing/moving myself I needed the support of someone emotionally removed from the situation. Someone to say "it's ok". Things were far from perfect and fuck me it's easy to shout over your shoulder "abusive prick" than it is to sit down and accept that I was an emotional void who barely spoke a word to him and was not nice in many other ways. The last few years had beaten us both down terribly and we'd become people we didn't like. We have been communicating properly since last weekend and it's been so painful - it's not easy to hold your hands up and say "I'm sorry".

Before I found out about new gf I wasn't moving on at all. I was just shell-shocked, getting up and doing what I needed to do. I didn't allow myself to think or reflect. Just numb. But I did start to move more towards the person that I wanted to be and had cast aside some of my behaviours which I knew were hurting my relationship. I am now much more patient, kind and fun with the children and actually looked forward to being home with them during school hols rather than seeing it as some form of torture. I've also somewhat thrown my hands up in the air wrt wurk. I've started watching silly tv and enjoying relaxing. I've ditched over 150 people on fb who I felt didn't bring any positivity to my life. Just little things like that, but things which make me a nicer person to be around.

Conversely since I left he's been doing things like mowing the lawn weekly - he rarely did it before and it was a bone of contention.

The friends thing - there were 3 of them. Two were SIL's, one of whom is extremely manipulative (always has been) and one of those people who takes pleasure in hurting other women (tbf I'd always kept my distance) - the third us unrelated and was horrified by these allegations and was left questioning her 30 year friendships... And we still talk and she gets on with my ex just fine.

You're right about the booze I know. Last night I finished the wine and today I will not buy any. One day at a time right?

I'm sorry I'm not able to support you all right now- I'm just too far down the rabbit hole right now but I have read every single post on this thread.

Yes, more than anything I want to get back together and start new and get it right. Ever been out for a romantic meal and the night consists of talking solely about the kids because you can't talk about the "real stuff".

We were brilliant once upon a time.

I feel like a woman who tried on a lot of dresses and I finally found one which fit and made me feel amazing. But I put it at the back of the wardrobe and forgot about it. When I tried it on again I couldn't do up the zip and my legs weren't shaved. He tried the zip too hard and it broke. So, either I lose weight to make it fit again, and he gets the zip repaired - or I throw away the dress and say "I never much liked it anyway".

Fuckery.

You have listed a lot of positive things that have come from living alone. Perhaps stay as you are living separately for the time being but as you say you could date, keep an open mind, be cautious. You would have to be sure that he had completely finished with the girlfriend but that's up to him to prove it to you which he will if he is serious. Going back to your previous post did you think that he had been on the dating sites whilst you were together? If so that would be a big concern and he will have to work hard to rebuild your trust.

Oh no, the dating thing was genuinely another man - just a cruel trick of the universe. I mean physically there are probably only 100 that match that description in town, of those how many single? How many on a niche site? That night? FML as I say I google the username and it came back with profiles on at least ten sites dating back 4 years and actually living in a tiny village population 150 (?) which my husband would never have even heard about until last year when we moved.

It's very much if we do that it would be two houses, the frisson and excitement of a first date. Communicate, communicate and communicate a bit fucking more. and if he stays overnight he's going out the window at 5am so the kids don't know!

His MIL tells me to keep letting him have the kids lots so that he can wake the fuck up.

I hope it's hopeful. No booze today. KOKO - love that!

No, less than 100 when you take into account height/hair colour/eye colour iykwim. I mean serious universe fuckery odds. Should probably buy a lottery ticket.

It's horrible how it goes isn't it? 4 hours ago I was in the depths of it and now I feel a little better.

I'm glad you feel a little better. Just got to KOKO honey, what's the alternative? Chin up my lovely.

Morning everybody!

Swisscheese hope you are still feeling a little more positive today.

I went for my interview last Monday - have to wait till this week to find out about it. Truly your situation sounds very similar to mine. It is hard to make that final decision. For me I'm sort of waiting to see what happens in my wurk life - almost depending on that to make my decision for me. In some ways that's all I can do. I'm in a "hurry up and wait" situation with accommodation, wurk, etc, and I think once some things have moved in that area I can decide what I am going to do. Because actually any decision I make now is only contingent on the decisions others make. But OldWiseOne you are right - as usual - my feelings over a number of years have been buried under what everyone else wants. Though this period feels like more of the same, I can see that change is coming. We are still together for want of being apart. We are sort of drifting towards separation. We have no enthusiasm for it and I think we are very fond of each other. But no enthusiasm for spending the rest of my life in limbo either. It's fear of the unknown vs fear of the slow obliteration of my inner self through boredom and sublimation. My previous self would have chosen the unknown every time, but I'm just...so...tired...

WWK as usual you are terrifically inspiring. Yes there was a lot of "him" in my post. Actually I'm finding it quite hard to write about myself and I'm a bit shocked at that. DD and I were having a discussion last night (about Cara Delavigne and feminism vs privilege, oh yes, it's all fun here) and she got really cross with me for "walking away" from an argument. I thought this was slightly unfair as one of the things I have learnt from living with a feisty teenager is that it's often best to walk away from an argument (!)...pick your battles is often the mantra. But it did make me wonder if I haven't in fact chosen to walk away from all battles. And that's probably not a good lesson. It makes me wonder if that is part of suppressing myself. I don't know. I don't think I'm thinking very clearly at the moment.

Woke up this morning feeling really very depressed. Now feeling fine. I veer within hours; it's really quite exhausting in itself.

KOKO xx