HOBBIT'S BAR - Still finding it hard to move on .. Part 11

[Notlivingwithsemtexhoorah]

Welcome to Hobbit’s Bar, owned by Hobbit, open to all and run by anyone who wants the job!

This is the place to come if your marriage/relationship has come to an end and you are struggling to come to terms with this. It is a place to vent, swear, ask for advice,swear, relate to others in the same situation, swear, take a break, swear and have a laugh, whatever.

There are people in this bar at all stages of separation – just separated, negotiating, mediation, court, divorced - and all reasons for this, whether it is abuse, general breakdown, financial worries, OW/OM involved, or coming to terms with a new life.

It is a place to come to for support and swear a bit. You are never obliged to give support to others or reply to any posts. It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and swear alot and interrupt the giggles if you are having a tough time. No apology necessary for swearing. No one will have a go at you for what you are feeling and share on here. Divorce is a rollercoaster, we are all at different stages, so feel free to jump right in, oh and swear a bit more if you like.

Some glossary terms:

1. Jess is our mascot. Owned by Hobbit, she might do requests if there are enough sausages in it for her. Sorry, she's been joined by a pineapple and an Uzi in this 1st post for those who don't like firearms
2. Izzitinis are a revolting cocktail created by Izzie that only she drinks!
3. No 6’s are what we are/were married to, after Hobbit’s Twunts list. Some of us also have “pet” nicknames for our exes
4. KOKO – keep on keeping on (used a lot on here along with SHIT THIS IS HARD)
5. Ignore any exclamation marks posted by Izzie or Roz that might make their comments sounds a bit…dodgy. Something to do with their iPads having a mind of their own!
6. We all listen to WWK aka WellWhoKnew aka Mother who keeps us under control.
7. Random Guys feature on here too

Our theme tune is My Silver Lining

My name is Semtex, 50, married almost 31 years, 2 DSs 26 & one DD 28. One DS has NC with their Dad the other two have been well and truly brainwashed(Thought it was my fault but counsellor says otherwise, so I will believe her). Nisi nearly here on the basis of UB. Been to mediation, waste of time for us as HE IS THE MASTER. Filled in Form E and hopefully he has, now just waiting for the lies to read. Once he moved out he took the opportunity to use my time at work as the best time to take anything of value from the house. Nice. Now everything is locked from the inside including bedrooms etc. My DS is intending to buy him out so we both have somewhere to live and actually I.m not ready to move out as its my home. Ive said before that I don't feel that qualified to give advice that others do as I am a relative newbie and don't have young DC's but on good days hope I can help you raise a smile cos you have all helped me in one way or another. …...

Thinking of others going through this and wishing you peace

It's day 27 here since exDP decided he didn't want a DP in his life any more. It's still too raw to look back at way I've come, but I can look around me now and realise that I'm not where I was. I have moved forward, step-by-painful-step. I think it's enough at the moment to just cope with me and who I am today, but I can appreciate the possibility that sometime soon I'll be ready to think about my next chapter.

So, back to what I said before and wishing everyone who is experiencing this, Woke up this morning feeling really very depressed. Now feeling fine. I veer within hours; it's really quite exhausting in itself moments of calm.

Evening Myturn - nice positive post in a time of not so positiveness. Happy Sunday

Thinking back to last week and what others confirmed, Sunday night is not an easy time of the week

Sunday is my worst day also, have you got a hobby or distraction

I've spent the whole weekend keeping busy, but Sunday evening... I dunno. I think it's a night in for most people. I've got a 5:30am alarm in the morning, so I definitely need to get organised for work tomorrow. I can't settle to any reading or hobbies though.

I can relate to that myturn, my concentration is shot to pieces...
I've been in an unusually long period of being at peace with myself - been about 3 days now, and sadly I'm a it suspicious of it! Grateful too though, any time let off the emotional hook is a blessing.
I wasn't even thrown when he failed to turn up this afternoon to do lunch with the kids...he fell asleep. I felt bad for the kids yet they're so used to him not being around, they took it all in their stride. His loss...

Myturn I'm a tiny bit ahead of you timewise and things are definitely getting easier. I'm developing new "habits" - eg more playdates at the weekend, things which really help not make me feel so lonely.

My concentration is getting better too. I'm not dwelling as much as I did. I was bowled over again yesterday by him (he's clearly taking time off to be with the ow rather than spend it with dd) and yesterday wasn't great, however I've been able to be more philosophical more quickly.

I have also had this thought a couple of times in the last couple of days: bring it on. If I have survived the worst that could have possibly happened, bring it on. Because now I know what happens when the chips are down and now I know I can come through with many things about my life intact or stronger. Granted a Sunday evening on my own isn't ideal but this week is better than last week, which was better than a month ago.

KOKO. You are doing brilliantly through the toughest of tough times xx

Well done lovely ladies, you're supporting each other and that's fantastic to see, one day up, another down, that's how it goes I'm afraid.

Yes I agree with Hobbit - the roller coaster that is divorce It is important to understand the "down" bits and not beat yourself up about them. I found box sets helped a lot in the evenings. And more "playdates" at the weekend sound an excellent idea - nothing worse than unhappy DC when you're feeling crap!

Hello all, I'm struggling a bit. Awake in the early hours just thinking about all the unknown which lies ahead and how things are going to pan out.
I don't miss him, I don't want him around but I really really wish he would be a dad. He sees dd one day a week, he has a job and a gf and no hobbies but one day a week is all he can manage. It makes me so angry and then he wonders why she clings to me?!
I wish ow would leave the situation so at least then I'd know how much of an influence it was on his parenting.

And speaking of parenting I have really had enough of being treated like dirt by my own.

Do I have please treat me badly tattooed somewhere?! What is it that people think I deserve this?

I'm sorry to have a moan :( x

I hear you 2little you're not alone this morning

You're not alone.

I've been dealt new levels of fuckwittery since sat. I'm too embarrassed to even write what has happened - nonetheless it seems he has actually chosen a new life with his new gf and kids - despite the fact that DS1 is officially vulnerable and not coping. 6 weeks to the day I left he introduced them to his new gf. They've not got a brain between them if she felt that was a good idea for her kids either.

I don't know what to so about contact. I don't want to refuse him, but he can't be trusted not to "blend" this new family and I get left picking up the pieces. DS2 panics if he can't physically see me and begs me not to leave.

Oh and I offered him contact yesterday but he wanted to spend the day watching tv. DS2 doesn't understand why daddy isn't here if he isn't at work.

KOKO

Morning everyone. I am not saying it is a good morning , just saying hello to everyone who has managed to pull through another weekend.

Sundays - I always try and look at the positives despite there not being many sometimes. I do know of the downs on Sundays though - so every one is not alone, because we are all here to support each other.

The ups & downs are just part of the process , the good thing , I speak from experience is that the downs eventually become less down , not as deep, not a massive drop because , you come to recognise them , you know they are coming , so you adapt, you know that aaah , I am going to feel shit , so you then think , you will come back up again .

A bit like when you jump into a pool, you will rise to the top again .

I hope that my little ramble might just let you people know that I am thinking of you , even if it takes me a wee while to post again .

It is so difficult to keep going, but we must to get to a place where the scales tip towards a better life - because I want a better life without someone who cheated on me & hurt me.

I hope everyone has a better day today - a better week too.
Thinking of you all whilst I pop out to walk the dog who is eager to go !

KOKO. x

Swisscheese, he's just so selfish. It's really all about what makes it easier for him and no real care about the DC's feelings. It's parenthood lite..
We're left trying to support the DC's and make them less anxious against this barrage of selfishness.

Rant over, better get to work
KOKO everyone x

I do so feel for you ladies with young children, it must be so difficult.
Sending you love and strength, xxxxx

2little2change .... I have the same issue with my ex, except he is not horrible which disconcerts me more than anything, he's never mean. But he is lazy with regards to the children, he sees them twice a month for an overnight and makes little effort in between, I grew tired of him calling to speak with me sporadically during the evening so I stopped all contact bar the email. He always seems shocked at how they change so quickly or that he's missed out on trips out, I think seeing them only makes his guilt grow so sout of site out of mind.
You will get there and you will be stronger and happier for it

2little2late - I think the "being treated like shit by your own" is just their way of expressing the fact their father is a bellend. They don't know exactly the ins and outs of course... but they know that mum is the one who is there - their constant. At least that's what I try to tell myself when I'm told 100 times a day that they hate me and want a "new mummy". Bad behaviour ramps up x10 after contact...

sparkly - "parenthood lite" - I like that, it's better than the euphemism "part time dad" that I was using - makes a better distinction!

He wants "lots" of contact - yet doesn't want to commit to being a real parent - he's showing me what an utter prick he is which is good of course for hardening my heart - but I am mourning the family those precious children should've had.

Every day is a Sunday for me. I'm self-employed and too frazzled to do much thinking right now, so I just KOKO. x

I agree, if you are being the focus of discontent by your dcs it's usually because they feel safe to do it.

Doesn't really make it feel any better at the time. Sadly.

Hello all,

I wonder if these men will grow up and start actually being dads again at any point.

Swiss - my comment of being treated like dirt by my own was actually referring to my parents. They are quite unbelievable right now.

In terms of dd I am very lucky that 6 months on from him leaving we are closer than ever, she's my little sidekick and loves to help and be with me. I need the break when she is at nursery but I miss her too!

He really is missing so much, my clever little 2.5 year old is doing 50 piece jigsaws by herself!! The absence of her dad will not hold her back.

5 weeks until baby folks!

2little2late - if it's any consolation I contacted my family last week to tell them what was going on. Instead of comforting me I received by email a list of my failings as a wife & monther.... aaaaaaaaaaaaand delete and block! So I feel really fucking alone right now.

I think you're amazing doing all of this.

Swiss - it's awful when family are so unkind. I have now resolved to let mine get on with it although I received a message to tell me their dog will be put to sleep today, not that I'm not really sad, I am but it's another guilt trip in order to reel me back in.
I have to keep telling myself that I am a good person and I don't deserve to be treated this way and also know that I have choices about whether these people are in my life or not. I do not want dd to grow up thinking it's ok to be nasty to me or to anyone else for that matter and right now my parents are showing her just that, as ex was before hand. He is quiet at the moment but I fear the calm before the storm.

I'm not amazing, there is just no alternative Swiss. One foot in front of the other and we'll all get there x

So the fuckwittery continues here after no contact from my ex for two weeks he he'd ides to bring me all the ingredients for my favourite summer time dessert today when he dropped the kids back... He wouldn't leave even offered to stay and build a piece of furniture but I declined.
What is wrong with him !

Bambino - I think its called being nice to make themselves feel less guilty and to make you doubt yourself. I am having similar issues.

You guys are all amazing. Just remember that by keeping going, looking after littlies and being the strong one for them you are doing brilliantly.

I think I can probably give up on thinking he's going to put up my curtain rails and paint the DC's rooms. So it'll be up to me with my gammy probably-MS body. splat

Can any of you point me in the direction of a quickie/self-petition divorce place? We've no assets aside a doddery old dog.

2little2late - that's one of the major reasons he/my parents are gone. It's not ok for anyone to talk to their mum like that and I certainly don't want them taking that with them to their own relationships.

I had my haircut today by one of the school mums. Gave her a brief synopsis and it felt good to share and she was nice... And I didn't blub. When the WA lady phoned this afternoon different story - total waterworks!