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Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
Wackadoodle · 18/06/2015 20:33

I don't know you or your husband obviously but in my opinion he is not in love with you as you have said. He loves you like a sister but that is not being "in love". In love involves sex and lust. You live like brother and sister mostly.

So despite the fact that the OP has no sex drive and doesn't WANT to have a sexual relationship (with anyone, let alone her husband), the only possible valid expression of love from him to her is one based on sex? IOW, in order for them to have a real loving relationship, he must accept being constantly and terminally frustrated.

What will happen when he does fall in love with one of these women and then he will not be able to stay in this set up anymore. He will want to be with her because she is committed to him sexually as well as emotionally so all his needs will be met by one woman.

This is why people really shouldn't ask for advice about men from women. Smile

Dude has got everything going quite nicely as it is thank you. Why would he want all his needs met by one woman? Even ignoring the fact that one of his needs is obviously promiscuity, so the statement is self contradictory.

Wackadoodle · 18/06/2015 20:43

Offred -

I do so wish some of the posters would stop trying so hard to be cool with different set ups and think about that part. How they have their relationship (monogamy/open/whatever) is nothing to do with the point I have been making all along. It is how the decisions were made (all by him using secrets, lies and disrespect) and how now when she wants it kept secret from her and was initially upset it does not indicate to me that she has chosen this or is happy.

Meh. I think you're naive in thinking that relationships work entirely by consciously articulated negotiations before anyone does anything. People in relationships still have their own lives. Where sex fits into the separate or the shared lives is up to them. Partners often have unspoken agreements based on behaviours emerging that they choose not to draw attention to. It's just life.

As for his disrespect in doing these things unilaterally, you could say the same about her unilateral decision to have a lot less sex. That's just how it goes. People's behaviour changes and they adjust around each other. She's said it doesn't bother her so then it's not that disrespectful really.

noddyholder · 18/06/2015 20:56

This is nothing to do with being cool and everything with being realistic.

viridus · 18/06/2015 21:05

A lot of people assume the woman is not interested in making love, (maybe because she says so), but in reality the husband could be an inadequate lover. Just because a man is promiscuous does not men he is good in bed. This man might have been the only man she slept with or one of a few.
Women do peak at forty odd, so she should venture out, and she could well experience the best making love ever yet. Maybe once the children grow up. Or she might meet a handsome hunk on her hobby days.
The best could be yet to come.

Milllii · 18/06/2015 21:59

Wackadoodle I was describing the difference between being "in love" and "love". The two are different in my experience. I am not the only one to feel this way looking at the thread.

And was referring to the possibility that he may really connect and bond with one of these women and want more. It seems that the OPs husband wasn't getting his needs met so has gone outside the marriage. He obviously wasn't happy or he wouldn't have felt the need to do so.

blueshoes · 18/06/2015 22:45

A lot of women here who cannot seem to escape their own prism of how relationships should work, projecting that onto what they think men want out of their relationships and sex. It is overcomplicating men's thought processes, if there was one. Wackadoodle's post is a lot closer to the truth.

Joysmum · 18/06/2015 22:53

I think you're naive in thinking that relationships work entirely by consciously articulated negotiations before anyone does anything

They do in relationships based on respect and equality. They'd not do anything to hurt the other.

viridus · 18/06/2015 23:19

MaMaof4. You say that "not all cheaters are mean or disrespect women". How do you distinguish between the non-mean ones and the mean ones?

I don't see how you can compare a cup of coffee in the garden as being just as pleasurable as making love. Making love is so much better, and having an orgasm is so unique. Once you experience that, you would be willing to give up the coffee, or have it after love making.

mylifeagain · 19/06/2015 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/06/2015 00:36

viridus - that's a terribly patronising remark. How do you know that MaMa hasn't experienced orgasm? She may have, and may still prefer the cup of coffee! Always a good idea to remember that other people have other experiences than yours.

Offred · 19/06/2015 00:48

RTFT whackadoodle, she is interested in sex. She is still having sex with her h just not as much as he wants.

I think you must know that no-one is talking about absolute honesty all the time on everything and I have said as much and no it is not disrespectful to your partner to not want sex as much as they do... What planet are you on that you would actually think that never mind say it?!

Offred · 19/06/2015 00:51

And so basically the argument for this is basically men are just bastards and women have to be realistic about that if they want to keep one?

if that were true I would rather be single thanks.

Offred · 19/06/2015 00:52

How is any of that anything other than a 1950s attitude?

viridus · 19/06/2015 05:11

Making love with the man you love and having orgasm is fantastic. They go together like a horse and carriage, like strawberrys and cream, like good wine with good food, etc a magical combination.

Shockers · 19/06/2015 06:42

OP, if you were to become bothered by his discreet affairs, would he stop?

AnyFucker · 19/06/2015 07:42

He already knows she is "bothered" but carries on regardless

Wackadoodle · 19/06/2015 17:54

And so basically the argument for this is basically men are just bastards and women have to be realistic about that if they want to keep one?

Who said that?

viridus · 20/06/2015 10:23

If this is an issue about high sex drives, wouldn't this have been established when they got to know each other before they got married? Therefore why get married in the first place, when they were sexually incompatible.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2015 10:41

Because sex drives alter. Especially when kids / tiredness / boredom come into play a couple who were at it like knives as newly weds might not still be like that 5 years down the line

viridus · 20/06/2015 11:04

Well then 5 years down the line they should sort it out.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2015 13:25

Well if only it were as easy as that eh?

I'm just saying relationships and sex lives change

Offred · 20/06/2015 16:36

Yeah, they do. And cos it isn't the 1950's anymore women don't have as much pressure on them to tolerate men who take the "easy" route of sticking their penis in other women rather than talking about things.

Offred · 20/06/2015 16:39

I mean if you are really happy with the 'men find it harder to talk' 'men need sex' stuff I find that sad. I don't believe there are special rules that should be applied to men over and above women that mean they are allowed to disrespect women and women should just tolerate it because that 'is just what men are like'. No matter what relationship arrangements someone has. Open relationships do not work without respect, same as monogamous ones.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/06/2015 16:43

Who said I was "happy with that"? Where did I say anyone should be "happy with that"? Project away but that's not what I said at all

wheelycote · 20/06/2015 17:09

Interesting thread