Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

I was thinking of those women who are unsure of their sexuality. Some women often hitch up with a man without having established their own sexuality (high drive, low drive). Then because of how they interact sexually, she assumes that she has a low drive. The man then can in fact impinge/control/stifle her sexuality.

I think MrsRogerFoulkes was right early on. This is an upperclass relationship. It has probably been handed down as a family pattern.

You could say it is ok. It could be successful as others have said as sexuality might becine less important with age and the emotional bond might come more to play in old age. It could be a realistic way to deal with low sex drive and keep a marriage together. It might provide a loving background for kids to grow up. It really depends on lots of factors we cant see here in this discussion.

There could be other repercussions from it:

1. OP never explores her own romantic or sexual potential
2. Children are shocked or upset at some stage as they find out their parents marriage was not all it seems
3. The upper class pattern is passed on again and the children go into marriages in the same pattern as they have learnt it as the legitimate one

In many ways you could say it is ok and maybe the best way to deal with the situation. But saddens me that OP settles and denies her potential and that there are possible adverse repercussions for the children

What makes you think the women has made up her mind. She has many, many years yet as she is young, and has many choices.
Life has it's surprises, hasn't it.

That was addressed generally to all the posters supporting the position in this thread not you in particular bit.

You ask if you are an anomaly OP. Yes you are, but only in as much as you are totally honest about what you want from your marriage. It's been said that you were pushed into a corner, but that is far from the truth. OK it's not what you imagined your marriage would be, but with the knowledge you gained, you chose to accept how things were. You have been quite clear that it's not something you want to discuss with your husband. No one forced you at all, and you sound happy with how things are. There are many women who either know or suspect that their husband's are not faithful. Some will end their marriage, others will not, but again it's all about choice. You also sound like a very canny lady, so I would imagine you and your children are well protected should the status quo ever change, as some people seem to feel it will.

So, an anomaly yes, but I would bet this bar of chocolate in my hand - well a couple of pieces! - that you're not the only one....just more honest.

That's bullshit Cate.

OP, if you were to become bothered by his discreet affairs, would he stop?

Was asked earlier.

She was, she told him and he carried on regardless thinking she didn't know and didn't have the right to her boundaries.

That's the bit where she was totally honest in her relationship, not with the shit she has to accept now to keep her status quo.

As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care

Sorry Joy I don't think she could be any clearer about how she feels. It isn't a case of "the shit she has to accept now". She has chosen to accept this lifestyle. She could walk tomorrow, but doesn't want to.

It wouldn't be what you or I would want, but it's not about us.

No, on my reading she has chosen not to continue challenging his choices about their relationship. Very different thing. Don't know why the non-monogamy thing was even brought up tbh as it just doesn't seem applicable. To me this is an equality issue not a different strokes for different folks issue.

I mean to me if the op had negotiated this arrangement with her h equally before it happened etc and was happy about it and involved in the issues surrounding her health etc it would literally be a total non-issue to me and I'd be disappointed at hand wringing about thinking about the DC etc. nothing at all wrong with an unconventional set up negotiated by two equals and good for children to see, particularly a sexually and socially empowered woman. This is not that though. This is like something from mad men.

It's common for gay men to have happy open relationships and plenty of Hetero couples do to quite openly now. I know keeping things I n perspective cervical cancer is relatively rare but you know it is women who (rarely) die from promiscuity rather than men. I think there there is more reason for women to actually be concerned about promiscuity and sexual health and I'm not sure, as with the vasectomy issue, I'd be so happy to take the shitty end of the stick so my partner could satisfy himself in this way. Emotional issues aside. The emotional stuff to me would be more of a risk given his way of introducing this arrangement to the relationship too - dishonesty, disrespect, selfishness etc not qualities that are attractive tbh.

But you know I'm also sceptical about the lack of sex thing too. When I've been in relationships where there was less sex than I wanted I just got frustrated about the lack of sex with my partner. I think it is actually more likely that someone who would be having affairs and many partners actually just likes sleeping around rather than has a high sex drive. I guess I don't like the blame being put on the op for that reason.

How much sex can he really be having if he is doing it on the side of a marriage where his wife doesn't want to know about it? I think the more likely thing is he likes sleeping around not having lots of sex tbh.

She does sound very confused. If she was happy and confident, she wouldn't be questioning it on a forum.

From personal experience, please please dont let the children accidentally discover the affairs (no matter whether they are adults or children)

And probably he likes the titilation of secret liasons which isn't great really, quite risky for op.

And yeah, that's the thing that's shit for the DC. That the life they think they have and the parents they think they have don't really exist.

I think I'd be fine if I happened upon stuff that exposed my parents had an open arrangement they had wanted kept private from DC but if it was this kind of blind eye turning I'd be quite worried about my mum and would think a lot less of my dad and probably be quite angry at his selfishness.

He doesn't care about his wife, or his children or the womens bodies he is using. And people on here support him too.
Life is one big sweet shop for him isn't it.

OP, you are telling yourself, and us, that you don't care, but the truth is, you know that if you gave him the ultimatum: be faithful or else, he would choose "or else."

So you convinced yourself you don't care and you lie to yourself that you have a fabulous marriage. No, OP, you do not have a fabulous marriage. The whole point and foundation of marriage is faithfulness, truth, all the noble things. Your husband is not emotionally bonded to you at all. He is a liar and a cheat and can't be trusted. You are living in a delusion of your own making because you won't face the truth. Do you apply this denial coping mechanism to all areas of your life? You are not being honest in the least.

And yes, you do care. Your first reaction was shock and anger and you confronted him. That is your truth. Your position since has been to bury your head in the sand like an ostrich. Your children will discern eventually, if they don't already, that their father is a liar and untrustworthy and you are his enabler. Even the very real risk of STDs does not penetrate the illusion you've created.

He is not in love with you. You can take that to the bank. He is waiting for the children to leave the house so he won't get taken for every cent he has in a divorce. You are afraid he will leave so you let him lie and cheat. He will still leave when it is convenient for him. If you truly had a good marriage, you would feel secure enough to be honest with him, get in his face and demand the truth, expect loyalty and faithfulness. But I honestly don't believe he would ever be trustworthy no matter what. Get a good lawyer to steer you in the right direction. Your children will suffer more from living in such a sorry sham. I suggest embracing the noble things in life and realizing your worth as a human being and carrying on with your children with dignity and holding your head high. Right now, you don't know what is possible. A wonderful marriage with a man of character is possible for you, think on that.

It's so bizarre to read that some people are urging her to "accept" a "non-conventional" position, or that it is a "upper class arrangement" or that it is no one elses business if it "works for you" then it's ok.
We are living in 2015, not 1815 surely.

You are a young women, do what is best for you and your children.

Why can't people love someone but have sex with someone else! This romantic notion of a lifelong bond and enduring physical and emotional attachment is a nice idea but is aspirational at best. Yes some people achieve this but 2 out of 3 don't. As SGB has alluded to this notion of marriage is very much a social construct and in reality men and women have been having relationships on the side for centuries. I know not everyone but it's not new and it is not always damaging.

The high number of divorces and the development of serial monogamy indicates that we aren't really programmed to be in life long relationships. Yet the benefit of them, especially where there are children are high, both emotionally and financially. It is hard to move on from your comfortable life. People make compromises, OPs is that she tolerates her husbands affairs. Why can't it work? Many people have what can be seen as unconventional arrangements. Î don't see the problem.

I personally wouldn't like the OPs relationship but doesn't mean it can't work for her. I know many women who accommodate their husbands infidelity because there are other benefits to their set up. Theses women aren't downtrodden. They have done a costs/benefits analysis and have decided to compromise.

Sorry Joy I don't think she could be any clearer about how she feels. It isn't a case of "the shit she has to accept now". She has chosen to accept this lifestyle. She could walk tomorrow, but doesn't want to

If this truly were her choice, her decision then she'd have thought about what happened since she first found out he was screwing around, decided she was comfortable with it and told him she was wrong to have been upset before and she was fine if he wanted to fuck around in future.

She didn't, have any choice, he thinks he's doing it in secret still and this isn't her lifestyle choice, just something she had to put up with.

If it were a lifestyle choice then it'd be a decision, rather than acceptance, and something that enhances her life up and above that of the monogamous marriage she agreed to.

Plenty of people do benefit from non exclusive sexual relationships, in this case it's just the husband.

Decide to "compromise"!! . . How boring is that. You are only here for a short time you know - grasp each opportunity with both hands, it may be gone tomorrow. Life is for living, not following a dip the wick dickh**ds dictatorship lifestyle.

Very balanced and insightful posts from napolean.

So many posters happy to stick the knife in (and twist it about!) at any situation that doesn't fit with their experience of what a marriage 'should' be.

Husband and wife do decide/live with the "type" of marriage they want/have, regardless of what others think "should" be.
The issue that most people have is that people are not honest about their "type" of marriage. Not honest to each other, nor their children, nor their friends. That is a sad way to live, and ominous for the future.