Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

[melusina32]

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

I think every time I had sex with him the condom thing would annoy me also. He's had a vasectomy for goodness sake. Id be thinking we are using these because my husband sleeps around and could have an Std. I think the moment would be gone for me.

Oh dear! How hard it is for people to accept differences and to break free from social straightjackets!
It's surprisingly easy to get used to a thing and think it's normal.
This might apply to monogamy- after all until very recently men having affairs was seen to be the norm. The Judeo-Christian culture favorised it and the feminists were finally able to enforce it. It is not bad at all: I believe that great progresses have been made thanks to monogamy. However the incidence of affairs in the Western society (I do not speak about other societies that encourage men's polygamy and affairs) prove that it is not that natural for many.
Moreover I do not think it is right to judge the sate of marriage with young kids and the feelings of the spouses/parents through the sex life of the parents (unless of course kids are exposed to it). We enjoy life in various ways. Often than not a nice cup of coffee in the garden gives more deep contentment and pleasure than a good sexual romp. (And he is a great lover my H.) I prefer being tuned to my kids and available to them any time than catching up with his sex drive.

Now Melusina32 is happy (yes happy) - it is what she says; I trust she knows better how she feels than any of us on MN- that her H has affairs. ANd no it was not imposed upon her. The first time she was not that happy with the affair (it goes against what society says is the norm) and when it repeated itself she felt no sexual jealousy. Her feelings are legitimate. Many around are not happy that she is happy to live in such a relationship, and believe that she is downtrodden etc. Why? I wonder sometimes whether some women get their sense of identity of wholeness through monogamous relationship. He sleeps only with me therefore I am whole and I am respected as an individual. (Do not get me wrong: my H's affair devastated me- not the sex part but the lies, deceits and the tragic consequence).
Again Melusina32 please make sure that his philandering does not build an emotional ridge between you. You might consider talking about the affairs to make sure that you remain connected and he does not drift away from you. When I say talk about the affairs I do not mean the sexual bit but the general details and the feelings: where they met; how does she look; what did he feels etc In short make sure that you are part of this parallel world lest this world take over what you share in common (a loving calm relationship and kids).
Like all of us married women and married men (whether we are in monogamous relationships or not) , you need to take some financial precautions for the worst case scenario.
Another thing: There are many wise women with a lot of experience and a great heart on MN and there are also many women who went through terrible experiences and unfortunately these experiences tint with black and unpleasant colors posts where they feel that the OP is on the men's boards. Not all men are the same- Not all cheaters are inveterate- not all cheaters are mean or disrespect women. There are women who do not rate sex highly and are happy when their men takes his sexual appetites somewhere else. Sometimes it is momentary sometimes it is permanent. Many mums of young kids have no time or desire for sex. Let them decide about their relationships without judging them.

Sensible balanced post from Mama.

So some posts say that she should ignore the affairs.
I am imagining then that he will be totally upfront and honest with these women and say to them "I am a married man I would like to use you for sex, because I have a high sex drive, my wife has not, is that ok with you?". Hmm, sound like he is using women like men use women as sex workers. Except he doesn't pay them as such, maybe.

Viridius, it would be great if OP's dh said that (or along those lines). That gives the other woman a chance to decide if it is for them. Would it surprise you to know that some women quite like the idea of a no strings relationship.

Very true, even if it is just sex with no emotional involvement for him, and the OP is totally cool with it his other sexual partners ?may well become emotionally involved.
Playing with fire someone may get burned, such is life, sex and relationships are rarely straightforward and we are often stuck between a rock and a hard place! ?

Sensible balanced post from Mama

I'd have agreed if her husband had respected her by having a frank and open discussion about an open relationship.

He didn't. He hurt her by having and affair in the first place. Then he knew she was hurt and went and did it a second time without discussing if she'd changed her mind and would agree to an open marriage.

I have no issues with open relationships where it suits both people but this man is nothing but selfish.

He's risked hurting his wife to get what he wants. That's no love.

What proponents of open relationships seem to forget is the in an open relationship there would be no hurt. It's the hurt that's an issue for me, not that I don't agree with open relationships in their truest form.

I really struggle to see how others can't see that this man hasn't hurt her and is prepared to keep on doing so because he doesn't know her feelings have changed if you'd call turning a blind eye to hold onto your marriage a change of heart!

I don't personally see this as an equal open relationship. This reads more like.... I know what goes on and choose to turn a blind eye because we have a family and a nice lifestyle.

I agree - at the end of the day he is lying and being dishonest. The wife only knows by default, not because he is honest about the relationships he is having with others.

Yes, there probably is a lifestyle factor, but that's how a lot of people think and I can see their reasoning. I had a friend over a while back who is worried her husband is having an affair but she isn't going digging to find out. She openly admits that she wants to maintain the family life she has, and needs him to be a part of that, he does a lot of pick ups and her career would be more difficult (not impossible, I did suggest an au pair!) without him. She likes their life and isn't going looking for reasons to collapse that.

Some people prize honesty, some are quite happy to live with a measure of deception. On Mn the only relationship worth having is one of complete openness and honesty, but I have known many relationships function quite well without that, not just over infidelity but other things (what people really think about their partner's weight gain, their use of porn, their sex life, crushes on other people, falling out of love and back in again).

The OP could end this she chooses not to She hasn't returned I notice would be interesting to ask if she woukd like to salvage the relationship and return it to a more conventional footing I think she quite likes it as it stands

No of course it doesn't surprise me that women do affairs "With no strings attached". But humans have messy lives, it could be a vulnerable teenager, it could be a woman coming out of an abusive relationship, it could be a woman with low self esteem, etc, etc. And this man is not known for his honesty, he didn't tell her about this before three children came along.
I am not judging anyone I am just pointing out the facts, and looking at the "whole picture", so that she can make an informed choice. After all everyone wants a happy and fulfilling life, even those vulnerable women he will meet in the future.

I would also find it very hard to get over my P having a vasectomy (well done there) and yet we still used condoms. This would be because I didn't trust him to use condoms with his affair partners.

It would degrade trust too much.

My personal view is that my husband could be having sex with a vulnerable woman, and if this is the case I could not then respect him.
And I couldn't respect myself because I would be aligning myself with someone who willingly hurts another, and I would have dissociate myself and the children.

But a more conventional footing would mean the OP would have to engage in a more frequent sex life to keep her husband. Even if she did want to return to a more traditional marriage, he is having affairs and getting away with it. He doesn't believe she knows. He is not going to change is he?

Millli - yes decisions, decisions. Ahh, if only I could have been presented with the various advice , (on this Forum)when I was a young woman, life may have been different.
It's great to have ready access to other ladies views isn't it?
It would be interesting to hear her views now, I wonder what she has decided to do.

Viridus yes

I know few couples who live like this.
Two of them in my family, 2 aunties.
What happened to them? One of them had a massive breakdown afterbottling her emotions for years and the other one had a smaller breakdown followed by a heart attack. My cousins are far from happy and secure .

What my aunts and the other women i know had in common is that they had to work extra hard to keep this 'perfect' family. In order for the man to return always to the fa.mily after the affair then this family has to be really perfect and harmonious to keep the King happy. No mess in the house, no crying children, no moody wife. They (my aunts) never allowed themselves to be in less perfect mood. After all he returns because mnus the lack of sex the rest is perfect. For him.

My mum had an analogy regarding my aunts (we were a family of caterers so the analogies were always around catering).

She said:
If you run the only pizzeria in the village you are exclusive. You can serve them shit on the pizza and still keep the customers. You can have a bad day with bad service.
If a second and a third pizzeria opens then the competition begins. You go straight to the competitive mode and you run like a headless chicken.
You drop your prices.
Next day you drop them even more.
You have too'.

Do you think that you do this OP ?
Can you have bad days?
Can you be emotional, can you express anger about smth in front of your dh? Or would he go back to whoever he was with?
Can you refuse to host a dinner party because you have a migrain.
Can you be in not perfect mood on a day out?
Did you raise the bar regarding perfection and harmonious house in order to compete?

She openly admits that she wants to maintain the family life she has, and needs him to be a part of that

Yes, which is why this is an age old story of a disrespectful man and a woman trapped in an unsatisfactory relationship.

MN does not demand total honesty. MN generally has an overriding view that women deserve respect and that when men lie to them about something that crosses their own boundaries that is disrespectful and ruins the equality in the relationship. MN generally says that a woman doesn't need a man like that or in fact need a man at all.

Turning a blind eye after the discovery of an affair so you don't lose your lifestyle/man is in no way a progressive lifestyle choice.

And yes in the past it was considered normal and acceptable for men to have affairs because it was also considered normal and acceptable not to think of women as proper people.

Great post, Laquitar.

Many a true word said there.

Great post, Laquitar.

I am amazed that there are people on here trying to paint the OP's particular situation as 'enlightened' or 'progressive', purely because they can't bear bare to be thought of as mundane, or in anyway sexually repressed. It's odd.

And yes in the past it was considered normal and acceptable for men to have affairs because it was also considered normal and acceptable not to think of women as proper people in my friend's case she has also had an affair as well, they have both been unfaithful. They don't seem to want to leave each other though. It's intriguing. I'm not advocating it, I'm suggesting that brushing over the flaws and burying your head in the sand is quite common, especially in long relationships.

What you are doing is your matter to deal with. One thing I don't understand: you say your DH is in love with you. Surely that goes hand in hand with wanting to be intimate with someone? Does he not want to be intimate with you? Will it not fade if you have no intimacy?

Laquitar: that post is really helpful and insightful,you've just described my mother and the type of relationship I grew up watching.

Domestic abuse is also quite common what's your point?