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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't care about DH's discreet affairs. Am I the only one?

461 replies

melusina32 · 15/06/2015 22:38

DH and I both in our 30s. We have been together a long time, 3 young DC

DH has been having affairs for some time now. We have a don't ask don't tell policy. It is all very unspoken. As long as he doesn't bring it to my door, I don't care.

We love each other very much, and sex still happens, but we are very much "best friends" now. DH has always had a much higher sex drive. I am pretty sure it is just about sex with him

A friend of mine found out about it last weekend and she was horrified. She thinks it is abnormal not to care.

We enjoy each other's company, we have a good life, small children to think of. As long as DHs affairs do not disrupt that, it is out of sight out of mind

the first time I found out, I was shocked and confronted him, but it started up again, and I chose to ignore it. I didn't seem to feel that sexual jealousy, and day to day our lives are very good

i just wondered if there was anybody else in this situation, or am I an anomaly, as my friend seems to think?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 21/06/2015 10:58

Why can't people love someone but have sex with someone else! Well they can, if that is what all parties agree to...only op doesn't seem to have agree to this, she just tolerates it as she knows that she cannot change it.

noddyholder · 21/06/2015 11:04

I wonder if he though she would kick him out but never did

viridus · 21/06/2015 11:37

When dishonesty comes in through the window, love flies out of the door.

Janette123 · 21/06/2015 20:15

melusina32,
Please wake up and smell the coffee.

Have you thought about STDs?

Have you thought about what would happen if any of these women got pregnant?

Have you got your finances in order in case he decides to leave and go to one of them permanently?

Personally I think you're sleepwalking into disaster.

Offred · 22/06/2015 00:18

My position is nothing to with any idea of what a marriage should be. It's based on the position that human relationships of any kind work best when the parties to them are equal and have respect for each other. This is increasingly important the more intimate the relationship. It is absolutely nothing to do with distaste for 'unconventional relationships' or prejudices about marriage and what it should be...

Theses women aren't downtrodden. They have done a costs/benefits analysis and have decided to compromise. err yes they are because equals negotiate compromises, people who are in unequal relationships impose the need for the lesser partner to compromise and the lesser partner is required to compromise themselves for the other's benefit - you don't think that is being downtrodden?! Surely you must understand how deep sexism runs in our society and it's institutions and just how many strong and competent women succumb to these kinds of compromises, entirely at their own expense, because of it?!

Offred · 22/06/2015 00:22

And again; so many posters happy to leave sexism unchallenged in order to make themselves look cool on the Internet.

Offred · 22/06/2015 00:26

Why's no-one bothered to question why the op's h entered into a monogamous marriage and then had affairs? Or why he is blaming her having a 'low' sex drive for it? I don't see how it can be that. You don't get much sex out of affairs, you do get a number of partners and I think it is this that he wants but he is happy to let his wife believe she is the one with the problem and to impose his choices on her without any concern for how she feels. If she really does feel fine with it now really that's immaterial because he doesn't care how she feels, he is doing it anyway, she can put up with it or leave.

Offred · 22/06/2015 00:27

I just think it is nasty all that. 'You are defective, your defectiveness means I must do x whether you like it or not' is not a loving way to behave.

noddyholder · 22/06/2015 08:18

How can anyone 'look cool' on the Internet? It's just a different take on things why do you think it's cool?

Offred · 22/06/2015 08:22

I don't, I think people are trying to look cool. Come on, on forums certain posters have social status, certain views do too... Surely you see that?! I can't see another reason for banging on and on about posters who don't support this not supporting 'unconventional relationships' when this arrangement is like something from biblical times...

Offred · 22/06/2015 08:24

Someone please explain what exactly is progressive or unconventional or anti hetero-normative definitions of relationships about a wife putting up with a cheating husband to keep the family together?! Story as old as time...

noddyholder · 22/06/2015 08:34

The op hasn't been back to clarify so I think assuming anything is unhelpful tbh. Some people just have different deal breakers it's nothing to do with cool ime. In many relationships both are getting something from a situation that wouldn't work for others but it doesn't make it wrong for them It depends on how highly you prize sexual fidelity. I know 2 men like the op dh they claim to love their wives but seek sex elsewhere I woukd hate it but it is not as rare as people think

viridus · 22/06/2015 09:43

Whatever the details of the poster's circumstance/scenario, what I find most sad is that for the length of time that it has been going on she and her husband do not seem to have been talking about it enough. It is still unresolved. Many people underestimate the psychological damage this can cause.

Isn't it awful that people stay stuck in marriages/relationships for so long being unhappy and damaging their mental health.

blueshoes · 22/06/2015 10:59

One reason why the OP may not want to broach the subject openly with her dh is because she would have to discuss her sex drive and she may prefer not to mention her lack of sexual desire for her dh. Her dh probably suspects and also prefers to stay out of that subject. It is a mutual understanding and 'don't ask don't tell' arrangement on both sides.

viridus · 22/06/2015 11:35

Yes there are many, many "reasons" why they do not talk/discuss/negotiate/argue/thrash it out, yet in the mean time the situation stays the same. A 'don't ask don't tell arrangement", hints of dishonesty and subterfuge.

Better to "jaw jaw jaw" than war, war war", as Churchhill said.

blueshoes · 22/06/2015 15:07

Not everyone believes in total honesty. Some things are better left unsaid.

Offred · 22/06/2015 15:18

I am not talking about total honesty (said that before) and I'm not talking about prizing sexual fidelity. This is nothing to do with that. It is to do with lying about something really quite important and disrespect for your partner.

Offred · 22/06/2015 15:21

And I can't ever see a situation where it is better where other sexual relationships you are having in addition to your wife is 'better left unsaid' - how is she meant to be responsible for her own sexual health? Is she just going to completely abdicate responsibility for that to her h? That's so unsatisfactory and downtrodden.

Offred · 22/06/2015 15:22

*the really quite important thing is the basic terms of the relationship you have with your partner btw.

blueshoes · 22/06/2015 15:28

Op uses condoms so she is protecting herself.

In a sense, both parties are lying to each other. Her dh because he is most likely having sex with other women and not telling OP. OP because she does not want to tell her dh how she has lost sexual attraction for him and does not want to offer more sex. Not having the discussion means unpleasant issues do not have to be dredged up when the arrangement seems to work for now. Both parties on equal footing and it is a deuce.

Offred · 22/06/2015 15:36

Condoms do not protect from all stis.

Not wanting to discuss your sex drive (even if she had said that was the benefit to her) is not the same as actively lying about the basic terms of the relationship so hardly a 'deuce' is it?

Offred · 22/06/2015 15:38

(She has not said she's lost attraction for him btw, just she has a lower drive than him though posters have pointed out could just be him)

rouxlebandit · 22/06/2015 16:04

OP, are you sure it's actual affairs your husband is having? If a man wants extra marital sex it's much simpler for him to pay for it in a parlour, with an escort agency or with an independent escort. And less chance of him getting emotionally involved with the women although it can happen. Or does he find these women on dating websites? Surely that can be complicated and time consuming. Someone (some bright spark will tell me who!) said: "It's not the sex you pay for but the ability to just walk away."

loveareadingthanks · 22/06/2015 16:30

I don't think the OP is trying to present this as a 'normal' open relationship. Her husband has affairs and she now turns a blind eye to it. So all the debate about what is or isn't an open relationship is a bit irrelevant to her. She knows it isn't.

OP, you do sound more resigned to something that's been forced on you, than actively making a choice for the good of your marriage. I wouldn't be happy with that (or a cheat either, someone with a higher sex drive can go and have a wank, they don't need to shag someone else).

blueshoes · 22/06/2015 17:08

Offred: "Not wanting to discuss your sex drive (even if she had said that was the benefit to her) is not the same as actively lying about the basic terms of the relationship so hardly a 'deuce' is it?"

Having to admit you are not that keen on having sex with your husband is a biggie in my book. It goes to the marriage contract. Therefore, it is a deuce.