Affair - learning to survive

[OpheliaRose]

I'be linked to my previous thread here which contains links to the first threads in the OP

I want to thank everyone again for all their support. As the title suggests I'm about to tart learning to survive

You know, Phoenix, I think even what you're suggesting shows too much care and consideration for her ghastly H on Phee's behalf. Just let them get on with it, there is no necessity for Phee to have anything to do with Father's Day this year, the children are too young and won't know anything about it, so it is just for her ghastly H's benefit, and he deserves NOTHING. Why should Phee be at all concerned?

Thanks for all your thoughts its been something i've been stressing about all day. I saw my parents and my brother for lunch today. I talked to them about it ..DB is of the opinion that I should do nothing for it, H will be with the twisn having the usual big family lunch with his family so that should be enough for him. My mum and Dad said looking towards the long game I should consider doing something even if its just getting the twins to make a card (as some of you have suggested) as he is their father and nothing can change that.

I basically burst into tears and said that i couldn't handle it! it is bad enough knowing that from now on birthdays, Christmas, Easter, mothers day fathers day in fact all special occasions that should be us as a family will be split that i can't bare to do anything for fathers day given whats happened.

My dad said he would buy a card and write it for the twins then post it through H letter box so I don't need to do anything.

Weebirdie you have pretty much described my worth nightmare! OW will no doubt have got some plan and i wouldn't be surprised if she had "set an example" of how H thinks we should behave ..she's probable taking her Ex out for a massive meal and showering him with gifts

Your Dad's a star, Phee! So, that's sorted for this year, (remember, it's only a fabricated Hallmark money-making occasion in any case!) and next year, you'll surely be in a better place.

Sorry but he really doesn't deserve anything at all.

If the children wanted to do it fine, facilitate that. That would be for them. But they're too young to care so why should he get anything? Why do anything nice for him? Who cares if he doesn't like it? He's had his own way about everything, following his wretched heart, he doesn't deserve to be rewarded with any consideration, particularly when it comes to celebrating his skills as a father!

And I suspect WF will do something too - anticipating his needs in her usual 'selfless' way. Yuk.

Your dad is indeed a , in fact so are your entire family [star star]!

Try not to torture yourself with what WF May/or may not do....if H mentions something....cut him dead and say "I have no interest nor any inclination on what WF does/says".

Sending a virtual hug x

Glad your dad is sorting it, Phee. STBXH is a wanker and doesn't deserve any effort to be made by you.

Is your Dad hoping that he will come to his senses and want to come home?

I don't think WF will do anything from your DTs - she hasn't met them yet - that would just be too weird. And you know what; I doubt her and her ex are as amicable as is made out.

Hi Phee, not posted for a while but have been reading your threads. Personally, I wouldn't care about looking the bigger person. He would get sweet fuck all on this occasion. In fact until the dts can go out and sort their own Father's Day, he would continue to get SFA.

Phee- your dad's compromise is definitely better than you doing it. Your parents sound really lovely and I'm glad they're looking after you… but your DB (whom I think you said had been pretty good mates with your H in the past) sounds tougher… and that's no bad thing for you right now.

Glad you are spending time with people who love you

Why the hell should he get anything? And frankly, who's to say he'll get anything for Phee next year? (Sorry Phee, I'm not trying to make this any worse). His track record is abysmal! He twists the knife at every opportunity...

No. He gets nothing. If the twins do it when at nursery, fine. But don't forget he'll be feted by his adoring mother and WF...

No. He gets nothing. The fucker. Let him damn well reflect this year. Perhaps next year, you could think again. But this year, seriously, I'd refrain.

Weebirdie you have pretty much described my worst nightmare! OW will no doubt have got some plan and i wouldn't be surprised if she had "set an example" of how H thinks we should behave ..she's probable taking her Ex out for a massive meal and showering him with gifts

Ophelia Rose, please stop judging yourself by your H's lights - as has been said from the beginning, WF's circumstances and relationship with her ex are completely different from your H and yours. Your H is being ingenuous at the very least in trying to make you think you need to take your example from the behaviour of the woman who broke up your marriage. Why should you? I do understand what is happening, you want him to see you in the best light possible so that he will have a revelation about how marvellous you are and come back to you - but I think you know, deep in your heart, that's not going to happen for yet awhile and when it does, I think you will be well over him.
There is no need at all for you or any member of your family to arrange something for Father's Day for your H. He has left you now so it is up to his family to do it, if it is so important to them, given that the twins are too young to comprehend.

In two weeks, you'll be back at work - how exciting is that! Given the dignity with which you have carried yourself thus far, I'm sure you will do really well and it will give you a great opportunity to think about something other than your situation in your personal life for at least some of the time. With any luck, the anti-depressants will have kicked in by then and you will be feeling on a more even emotional keel.

Have as good a day as possible with the twins.

Glad your Dad has taken this on for you Phee. What a lovely Dad he is.

(I was going suggest that if you felt you ought to get the DTs to make a card then try this. Just fold over one sheet of A4 for each DT then go into the garden and get them to do it with loads of glitter and glue and I mean LOADS of glitter. Don't bother trying to write anything - they are too young and you're too upset - they will tell him they are fathers' day cards all right. Put them into envelopes while still in the garden and pack into overnight bags for next weekend. Hose DTS down while still in the garden. You could always empty a bit more loose glitter into the envelopes before you seal them because, well y'know, you can't have too much of a good thing, can you? )

Ha ha ha. Big lol at the glitter idea. Always slightly sigh with Christmas cards from school and we have wooden floors.

Dad is a star for sure.

Your dad, I mean. At least you can focus on your dad this year. I have been known to forget dh when organising something for my own father!!

That's really good of your dad. Whether H deserves anything or not, you no longer need to think about it.
I wouldn't worry at all about WF arranging Father's Day from your children. That would be really weird and actually a bit creepy so dismiss that. If H does mention her, I agree with GERTI and a dismissive "don't talk to me about her. I'm not at all interested." Please do try not to get hung up on what H and WF are doing. Leave them to their relationship built on lies a a deceit. Foundations like that can never build anything truly good.

I don't think your dad should do anything either after what this man has put you all through.

Agree with Charley in that I'm not sure I see the point of your dad posting a card. It will clearly not be from the twins, and not from you either on their behalf (quite rightly). Usually, one parent organises very young children into doing something as part and parcel of appreciation for their partner being a great parent. So who is this card from? Your dad? It'll be in his handwriting. I think it sends the wrong message and that your ex will somehow take it as meaning he has your parents back on side.
I know that your dad is just trying to take the worry of this off your shoulders which is sweet of him, but I really think I'd tell him not to bother.

Thanks for expanding on my point Clam, that's exactly what I think.
I would just concentrate on it being a nice day and celebrate YOUR lovely dad Phee.

I would do as a number of previous posters suggested. Something homemade by the children. You can put as much or as little effort as you choose.
This is for them, not him.
I wish you the best, Phee.

They don't even know what FD is about. I'd leave it. Seriously. I think he'll see it as endorsement of how amazing he thinks he is. He'll probably think you're watming to him. He's not on your side, Phee. When the twins are older, school etc will do cards with them and so on.

*warming

I also don't think you should do anything Phee, even from your Dad. The last thing H deserves is any kind of endorsement from yourself or your family after the way he has treated you and your lovely DTs.

Are the DT staying overnight on the Saturday? If so, you don't even need to acknowledge the Sunday when he picks them up on the Saturday and then when he drops them off on the Sunday it's over and done with.

You don't need to be involved in it at all. It's a non day in your list of important days x