Affair - learning to survive

[OpheliaRose]

I'be linked to my previous thread here which contains links to the first threads in the OP

I want to thank everyone again for all their support. As the title suggests I'm about to tart learning to survive

I'd willingly go without next Mother's Day. And there's no saying he'd organise anything anyway. You'd feel even worse if you managed to swallow your feelings and get something nice done for him this year and he rubs even more salt into the wound next year by ignoring "your turn."

Let his own family do something, if they feel he deserves recognition as 'father of the year.' As many have said, the twins are too young to even know what Father's Day is.

For Father's Day, I would fold the twins a piece of card each, write to daddy from DD/DS inside then let each colour or stick on the front. I think it's understandable to go to minimal effort this year.

Why go to any effort at all, though? These children are three years old. They have absolutely no concept of the date on the calendar, and the only way they're likely to hear about it is from adults around them at, say, Nursery. They don't go to Nursery yet, so what are they missing out on?

The only possible reason for organising a card/gift this year is to make their father feel good. And can anyone give me one reason why he deserves that at the moment?

And it's not about how much effort it takes. It's about the message it sends to him, which would be that the OP (not the twins, who are too young to understand) is endorsing/commending his prowess as a father, which frankly, at the moment, is shit.

OP doing card and present also sends the message that she still cares. He doesn't deserve to know that.

Millii, clam, I agree entirely with you, I'm afraid. If the twins were old enough to understand, it would be a different matter, but they really won't know that Sunday is Father's Day, or what that means, anyway, at this age.

If you didn't care and were not bothered about him at all then you would not be thinking of this. It sends a powerful message if you don't bother.

Loving the idea of "thank god for mum on fathers day".

I'm a bit at the idea of you doing this for him 2 months after he walked out on the family. I know he's become an incredibly self-absorbed person, but surely even he wouldn't expect you to do this for him Phee? And because the children are so young, it would be for him, not them.

I just don't know! he used to make a real fuss for Mother's Day

I think it's a bit raw this year so will try find someone else to get him a card etc and maybe next year I'll see how I feel about it

Your children are too young re: Father's Day, once they're old enough they can decorate cards etc themselves.

I'd say it's much too soon now for you to do anything on their behalf. Very raw and sends a confusing message, and there's no guarantee he would do anything for you - your brother or parents could sort out a gift and card on behalf of the twins, his parents can do the same for him.

"he used to make a real fuss for Mother's Day"

The trouble is, how he USED to be is not how he's turned out to be now, is it. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but I don't think you've found your anger yet. You're in absolute pieces still, and I suppose I'm furious on your behalf. How DARE he think he qualifies for all the perks of fatherhood, expecting you to pick up the slack?

I agree I wouldn't get the bastard anything. He hasn't acted like a decent father, he walked out on them both and their mother 2 months ago. Why should YOU praise him?

If he kicks up a fuss over not receiving anything just say the twins have no understanding of it
and you would make an effort when they do. Tell him you don't expect nor want anything for Mother's Day... You have a lovely family who I'm sure will make that effort for you.

The way he used to be and the things he used to do is not who he is now Phee. It's so difficult but you need to forget all that. He did all those nice things before he had his dirty affair.. You can bet your life he wouldn't do them now.

I don't know now. The argument that he just doesn't deserve your thought or time is pretty compelling!
Maybe you not facilitating this will be another reality check for him.
His role as father can be his or someone else's look out from now on.

I expect he made a fuss out of you on Mother's day this year to assuage a bit of guilt that he was actually having sex with someone else.

Sorry to be harsh, but I don't want you to romanticise him. He doesn't deserve anything for Father's Day. All the bought cards have lovely, but untrue words. They would be lies, because at the end of the day, he has acted totally selfishly and broken up the family unit. I would get the twins to do something home-made and just write Happy Father's Day on it. Wishing someone a Happy Father's Day is different from saying, "You're a fantastic Dad, one in a million."

You're doing great, Phee. I have started some 5HcP and waiting for it to work...I didn't sleep a lot last night, so don't know if it was that or just that I had a busy day and no wind down time.

"I would get the twins to do something home-made and just write Happy Father's Day on it."
I wouldn't. I wouldn't be acknowledging his role as a father AT ALL right now.

I wouldn't do anything at all. It is not your duty to massage his parental ego.

I don't think it's ego massaging to do the minimum. He still the father of the twins so is just acknowledging that fact, no more, no less. I think he will read doing nothing as spiteful (especially in his family of they make a fuss of it), and therefore an emotional engagement. Something half hearted is more like ignoring him, not turning it into an issue.

I don't think it's Phee's job to publicly acknowledge that he's the father of her twins. She's reminded of that fact every hour of the day as she cares for them whilst he's buggered off to follow his dick dream.

Phee next year you will be in a better place and maybe then you'll feel like spending time supervising the twins making a card for him. But I really really wouldn't do anything for him this year. You've done enough to show him that you are prepared to parent amicably and fairly, while he has left you to more or less bring up his children singlehandedly. He doesn't deserve anything from you this year. :-(

What do your parents and bro think, Phee? They know you all best. I repeat, if the children were older and more aware, I would think a card and maybe a gift would be in order, but as things are, this year, there is no reason for you to organize anything on the children's behalf. As someone has said upstream, it would purely be for his benefit, not theirs, as they are too young to understand, and there is no need for you to pander to his egotistical self-satisfaction any more.

Been weighing this up throughout the day. On one hand you want to be the bigger person and do it for the children. On the other, why the hell should you show consideration for him after the way he's disregarded your feelings. On balance I would argue the children are too young to care anyway and therefore if I was in your position I wouldn't do a thing for him.

'Following your heart' (resulting in barely seeing your children) and then palming them off when necessary to whisk WF on holiday; treating their mother like crap; wanting to introduce a third party into their lives days after leaving the family home; playing happy families with WF & son instead of being with his own chn. Nah, he should definitely NOT be getting a card of any description this year.

Im sorry if this is one of those things thats best left unsaid but I hope Phee will understand where Im coming from and that I only have her best interests at heart.

So here goes - I wouldnt put it past the OW to be organising the Fathers Day bits and peaces. She's been through this herself as a single parents and I expect she'll have pre-empted it all and have a plan in place for cards etc. And all the more so if they are going to be away on the day - she'll be showing him that see, it wasn't too bad being away from the kids cos you still got your card etc. In fact, it might even be that twatface has arranged to be away from the kids for Fathers Day so he doesnt have to face the reality of it - nothing being done by Phee cos he knows he deserves nothing.

Father's Day! Very difficult. Very difficult indeed.

You are kind of damed if you do showing you care that he gets a gift and damed if you don't he is the DT father.

What I will say is that (after all his recent behaviour and entitlement), will he really put in the effort for you?

Could you let his mum organise something for the DT? Send a text, and say something like this 'dear h's mum, it's Father's Day next week and I understand that you will be seeing the DT. I think it would be more appropriate for you to organise a gift/card for your son from the children, as at this time I am unable too....from kick ass phee'

By sending something like that, I very much doubt that she will say no she'll probably bitch...Oo isn't phee soooo selfish etc etc.....but who gives a shit

I thought H was with the children at his parents house?