Support for Spook 2

[Janstar]

Here it is.

Thanks Janstar. Just been to see my counsellor and we talked alot about him today. It has made me understand why he's doing this and whee his mind is a bit more. Unfortunately I need something to make me love him less.Not sympathise with him and love him even more.Do you think he will come back to me eventually Janstar?

I have just caught up with the posts since I was here last and I do so agree with (was it jmg?) who related the story of the refugee. I kept thinking much the same myself.

When I was struggling to look after my girls after their father dumped me, people used to say how strong I was and how well I was doing, but the fact is, if you don't have a choice, you just get on with it, don't you? But at the end of the day, that is what managing is.

Another point I wanted to make is that I believe the secret of happiness does not lie in finding the perfect partner, or soul-mate, or never being cheated on or lied to. The real happiness and contentment comes from within yourself.

I too love my husband to distraction (your words, in your very first post after you found out). I consider him my soul-mate and best friend, and I too would be utterly devastated if he did this to me.

But I feel strongly that I would survive, and find my happiness again. Because you can't count on other people to be your life or your happiness. You can't expect they will always be there for you. They die, they change, they betray you and let you down. And none of us knows if the husband we adore may one day do one of these things. All we can do is weigh up the likelihood and try to pick someone with a good track record who seems unlikely to let us down. (As for those who die, no one can be protected from that.)

You have to be self-reliant so that you have a good base to fall back on if other people let you down. If you can look in the mirror and like the person you see, you have a good start. If you have nothing to feel guilty about and have treated other people properly, if you have kept your promises and fulfilled your responsibilities, you are doing well. If you live by well-thought out morals and principles, that's brilliant. If you have fashioned your life so that you can get the best out of it, and incorporate elements that exploit your talents and interests, that's even better.

None of these principles involve other people. They are about you and your own inner life - and that is where happiness is rooted.

I am not for one moment saying that I would not be deeply miserable and disappointed if my dh let me down. I know I would be devastated. But I would tap into my own essence and use it to build myself up again. I would know that light was there at the end of the tunnel and I would go on hiking until I reached it.

I am lucky that I think my dh has helped build me to feeling like this. He is one in a million and picked me up from crippling depression, building me and loving me until he brought me to this.

All the same, much as I love him with all my heart, my life belongs to me, not him, and without him I would still have a happy and fulfilling life, after a time spent in recovering.

So can you. Focus on YOU. Make a plan for your life, and GO FOR IT!

Posts crossed.

I couldn't say whether he would come back or not. I don't think he knows the answer to that one.

I don't want you to give up on him or to hope for him on and on, crippling your own emotions. I want you to learn to live with your love for him without it killing you, because as important as it is , it is not all there is to you, Spook, or to your life.

Spook, Janstar has said all the things that I don't quite know how to put into words.

Thanks Janstar. I know what you are saying.It's just easier said than done at the moment.I promise I'm not wallowing in self pity (at least I don't feel like I am.I'm sure I sound like it though!)I am just literally trying to get through the day.I am not yet ready to focus on myself. I am trying to focus on the boys. I do know though that I have to stop expending so much of my time and energy thinking about him and what he's doing and who he's with. It's a hard habit to break after 11 years.To come to terms with the fact that someone is no longer the centre of your universe(much less you are the centre of theirs. Though I do think the only person who has ever been at the centre of his universe is himself)
Thanks Blu. No-one can quite put it like Janstar! XXX

It's quite understandable that this is such a hard habit to break. And you may not be ready to let go just yet.

I just wanted you to believe that there is new life to follow this, even if you can't yet see it on the horizon. Hope is a wonderful fuel to strengthen you at times like this.

i hope your hanging on in there x

Hi Lolliepops.
Had a manic day.Instead of staring into space smoking my head off I started on the mammoth task of getting this house marketable. Well-clean would be a start.It's very satisfying actually.I said to ds1 this morning(he's 7) "right I'm going to spend today looking to the future and not the past" The first thing he did when he got home from school was put his arms around me and ask if I had looked forward today and not back. God he's so grown up-and so sad.My 4 year old tried to strangle someone at nursery this morning (honestly)When I told my h he yelled "oh and I suppose that's my fault!" His teacher pointed out to me that his behaviour has DEFINATELY changed for the owrst and she is trying to protect me from alot of it.Unfortunately we couldn't ignore the red welts on the other little boys neck.
I am seeing the doctor in the morning for some anti-depressants. I have shied away from them before but I just don't feel I can do it on my own anymore.The boys need a happy mum.Not a functioning one.
Wish me luck!!

WOW!!!

You go girl What a turning point and WELL DONE on making an appointment, AD's might be just what you need to help you in this awful transition period.

Looking forward to seeing you soon

You should be soooooo proud of yourself and your gorgeous boys - they are both working through it in their own ways, kids are so resilient if only we were too then maybe you would be spared some of this pain.

.....and remember scrub dear dont tickle get that loo sparkling

spook this is such a positive step, just like the song" i'm gona wash that man right out of my head"! you dont live far from me so when you finish my house is minging!

ad's arnt a thing to be ashamed of when things are taking out of your control and you cant do a thing about it, we all need some help. make sure you keep the appointment or me an beccarollover will come and get you and take you ourselves! let us know how it goes x

Hi Spook, so glad to hear that it was a good day for you. I think the anti depressants are a very good idea. I took some for 6 months a couple of years ago and they just transformed me. If you do decide to go ahead with them ask for cipramil or cipralex which is very new on the market (the NHS don't tend to offer it to you because it costs them a lot more!). It is very gentle on your system and should you decide not to take them anymore it is much easier to get off them. The day after you first take them you will just feel an immense sense of calm and everything will feel effortless.Your boys are just fine I'm sure. My little boy is 4 and until the last few day was an angel. Now it feels like he has had a sudden burst of testosterone and he is completely out of control! I had a friend who went through the same thing with her boy around that age. The more postive you are the better they will become. Well done for this movement forward!

So glad you're feeling better Spook.

Ex. has peed me off this week. He's decided he's having trouble with coping with dd (she's got SN etc.). She's been screaming at his place so bad 'he's surprised the police weren't called'! So she's staying with me next weekend.

I think he's loosing touch with dd. I suppose this day had to come. Really f*ed off! This is after 9 years apart.

I'm having to cope with dd - she's had her moments with me this week but I'm trying to make the best of a bad situation. I said to my mum on the phone tonight that the reason I'm coping better than him is that I've been a single parent and had to deal with the situation which was forced on me. This has made me stronger and 'cooler'. He's finding it hard to cope with a crisis! Pathetic! Grrrr!

Spook, I think AD's are a good idea, too. Keep giong with them for a few days if you feel a bit odd or sick -it will wear off, and be very well worth it. They do NOT turn you into a zombie, I promise.(I'm on them). And definitely ask for Cipralex.
This is a gentle open question. Given that your boys are clearly - and understandably - upset and unsettled at the moment, do you think it is vital that you start actively selling the house? It might be quite frightening for them to contemplate moving from familiar surroundings....
Aaaargh, your h. Could you get the school to tell HIM when there is an incident? That might bring it home to him!
Thinking of you.

Hi everyone.Thanks for your support on the AD's.I'm quite looking forward to feeling like a different woman.My only concern is that I'll just feel even more optomistic and it will be even harder to accept he's not coming home. My main feeling at the moment is an overwhelming sense of WHY???(if I have posted this before sorry) It is just such an alien concept to me walking out on the beautiful relationship we once had(and could have again) and those beautiful boys that I just can't believe it.All day I just think "why why why" and "has he completely lost his mind"This is why I keep telling myself that ofcourse he will come back.This can only possibly be a temporary need for head-space.
I understand the affair.It happens and he obviously desperately needed something he wasn't getting at home.What I just can't get my head round is that he actually now accepts that his marraige and fatherhood (as in living with his boys) is over for ever.
I wish I could just sit back,let it ride over me and bide my time.Unfortunately that's not in my nature (understatement) and I want him back before there's any more hurt for me and the boys. The longer he stays away the easier it will be for him to stay away.He is now used to not living in this house and not seeing his boys every morning and not waking up next to me.And he thinks (or has convinced himself) that it's OK.He can do it.And ofcourse not forgetting her.He has free rein to see her and talk about who knows what??
It sounded like I had a good day yesterday and I suppose it was 10 times better than some-but to be perfectly honest my mind is stretched so tight I feel like it could just snap at any minute.I am merely existing and loving the boys-and him enormously.
Will AD's help me to sleep? And can I still drink with them.Would rather not have them if it meant giving up my wine.That sounds like I have a problem!!
Blu, I really don't see that we have much choice on the house front.This house is worth so much money and it's far far too big for me and the boys.7 bedrooms to rattle around in and have all those memories in.I thought that maybe a For Sale sign at the end of the drive may give him a jolt.This house was his dream come true 5 years ago.A culmination of everything we'd achieved.How easily he throws it all away.

Don't sell your house just to give him a jolt, Spook. Switch your focus on to yourself. Sell your house only if you think it is the right thing to do for you and the boys. Sod him.

I really do understand why you attacked the cleaning yesterday. It's a positive step. I always feel better if I am actually doing something, because it gives me the feeling that I am exacting some control over my situation.

You say you are not the type to sit back calmly and wait for him to come to his senses. Who is? You would have to have a blatant disregard for your own needs and feelings to be able to punish yourself so much and put yourself last. It's healthy that you are not prepared to sit around waiting any longer. These are precious days of your life slipping by in unhappiness and it has to stop, just as soon as it can. You need to begin moving on, tiny step by tiny step. Your attitude yesterday is a sign that you are taking one of those steps, steps that lead to freedom from the misery you have been stuck in.

Good Morning, Spook, forgive me, rushing,...
AD's won't replace your marriage in your happiness department, but they should stop your feelings escalating / spiralling downwards to the same degree, and help you keep more level, calmer. It sort of takes away the hairtrigger effect on emotions. May disturb sleep a bit for first few days, and YES, you can drink!

I do understand that in the longer or medium term selling the house is the thing to do, and that you feel driven to get on with it....but given your h's general rfusal to accept ANY part of responsibility for the chaos and pain, thre 'For sale' sign may end up aving a more jolting effect on the boys than on him, and give you more upset with them in thsi immediate painful period. Anyway, just my perspective - FWIW.

Take care.

xxxBlu

Hi Blu,Hi Janstar. I have just taken my first Cipralex! Feel better already..(placebo!!?)Am cleaning again. Am taking the boys to meet him at the airport later.He was reluctant-probably she was going.But I said it's something they always used to do.Why not now?? They really need to touch base with him a bit more.He has lost touch with reality-he's got two adoring women on the go. But they haven't and they need to see their daddy.
He had a beer with my brother in Ibiza last night. He couldn't really get anything out of him-so what's new.Other than he basically wanted his cake and was eating it.He didn't know ho serious it is with evil barbie but he's too scared to end it..but he hasn't closed the door on his marraige.It really is fucking unbelievable isn't it? He really truly thinks he can keep going like this-hoping he gets his feelings back for me but not wanting to give up on her in case he doesn't.What happens to men when they do this???? I always used to think it was claptrap but now I firmly believe men are from mars and women are from venus (in his case he's so far up uranus I don't think he'll ever come back)
As far as the house is concerned-I don't see I have much choice.He has ended the marraige apparentley-we are going to need to finance two homes. He is already paying 750 a month in rent.This house is worth 900,000 grand so I won't be going to a slum.The boys know we may have to move-they also know why. Ds1 even said to me the other day-"but if daddy comes home then we won't have to move anyway"
He really is my little angel-and he's gives the best skinny ribbed hugs.Two boneshakers together at the moment.

He needs to be told that you do not intend to continue being a good backhand for him to fall back on. You deserve better and if he won't respect that you will have to insist upon it by withdrawing his say in the matter.

As for the house, I understand what you say, but what concerns me is that you seem to be taking the whole burden of responsibility on your shoulders. Why isn't he sitting down with you and making plans that suit you and the boys? If he is the one paying the bills, and can't settle to any hard facts or decision-making, why should you take on all the worry and work of it?

Because Jan-he is incapable of doing anything constructive at the moment.It is all up to me.If I want to move on he is not going to give me any help.He makes all these text message promises about how he will help me to move on etc but then there is always something more important to do.Well-now he has got his money in(the business is back on its feet) he has been to Ibiza and there is nothing stopping him.No more excuses.I am seeing a solicitor on Tuesday and if he sees that as taking the gloves off then so be it.Nobody and nothing can get through to him the extent of hurt and damage he has caused. Maybe their fucking names on the divorce papers will make him understand.And not come back-I realise that but accept the consequences maybe??
I know I know-all talk.It's the thought of mopping this floor-it's turning me into Mrs Bigshot. By lunchtime I'll be sobbing down the phone to him again.

You are right to set things in motion. I am only concerned about whether selling the house is really right for you and the boys at the moment, or if you are doing it to help him afford somewhere better for himself to live.

That is fantastic that you are setting everything in motion and trying to force some responsibility in him. I do agree with Janstar however - wouldn't it be better to keep the house util the divorce is set in motion so that your solicitor can negotiaite for you to keep it (with a view to selling on late)? If you sell now the proceeds of the sale will be in cash which is much easier to break up and your husband could easily get a larger proportion than he would if the house still belonged to the family. I would definitely talk to your solicitor about the pros and cons about this before you make any decision.

Ok guys.POint taken.Thanks.If he mentions it I'll just say I am prepared to wait until we come to a financial settlement so I get what's rightly mine.That'll give him a jolt up the uranus.

Hi Spook, I'm still around and following what's happening with you. And, yes, I'm still proud of you. You are taking control with the ADs and the solicitor and I have huge respect for that after what you have gone/are still going through. And if you're ever passing Devon-way, do come in for cocoa! (For cocoa, read wine, lots of!)

Spook well done for taking control. However I'd agree with all the others , don't be in too much of a hurry to make life easier for him. In a previous life (prior to children and now a new career) I was a Solicitor- (completly out of touch with changes in family law now,) but it used to be the case that if you held the house in joint names as joint tenants and there were minors involved you could not be forced to sell the house to release his part of the money, not until the children were 18 or both left full time education (whichever was soonest). I know there have been lots of recent changes to the type of orders available in matramonial proceedings but I suspect something along these lines still exists. So go and get some upto date advice and don't be in a hurry to change your quality of life. After all he's the one who hasn't kept his side of the marriage bargain not you! he's walked away without the daily responsibility of his children to do exactly what he wants, you can't as your keeping your family together- so if it's what you want stay put as long as you can. Good luck

Hi Ponygirl and Geordiegirl.The selling of the house wasn't really for him to be honest.It was a sort of closure for me to be able to move on.There are alot of memories tied up in this house.But I have been thinking about it and listening to all your advice and I think I'd at least like to have one last summer here.I will not mention it to him again-but I will continue to sort and chuck so if it does need to go on it won't be such a mammoth task.A solicitor in a former life geordiegirl...you sound like someone worth knowing!!