Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
spook · 12/06/2004 14:08

Janstar has played a huge part in my recovery.I cannot underestimate her wisdom and kindness.She never ever let me down.And I am not there yet and I know if I need her she'll be listening (or reading!) You are coming to visit me on the White Isle aren't you Janstar

Blu · 12/06/2004 14:12

Oh Spook - it's so wonderful to hear you being positive AFTER he was so horrible! Brilliant.
It sounds as if you have made a decision and a choice that will very much enable you and the boys to move forward, you sound so happy about it. This is the first time reading one of your posts that I have not felt heartache and dread for you. Of course there will be struggles and v difficult times - and coming to terms with life without an aga will be no picnic but hey, affordable good quality Cava will offer some consolation!
Ggglimpopo, that's a fantastic story - congratulations.

Original poster
Janstar · 12/06/2004 14:16

I've waited so long to hear you sound like this, Spook, you are making me cry now.

I'd LOVE to come and see you - I'd be mad not to, wouldn't I?

I just know you are going to be happy again. God help anyone who stands in the way of a determined woman.

OP posts:
mumski · 12/06/2004 14:22

Spook I've just gone on to the same ADs since last Thursday. But still can't sleep and feeling like death warmed up. Have been getting the shakes too. I thought the ADs would help with that. V. embarssing as I'm still trying to hang on in at work. how long did it take before you started to feel an improvment? feel sick a lot of the time too.

spook · 12/06/2004 14:33

Hi mumski.I'm not really sure whether it was my frame of mind or the AD's but it definately took 2-3 weeks. I get the shakes and the nausea still-but again, not sure if thats because I don't eat much.Your sleeping will definately settle down.I still wake ludicrously early but find I can lie there and settle easier without having to get up and prowl around the house thinking. Hang on in there honey.
Hi Blu and Janstar. I know I sound much better. I am on the brink of tears constantly-but much of that is because so many people close to me are when I tell them what I'm doing.It is a positive brilliant thing I'm doing but I also think everyone is terribly sad that it should come to this. They are driving me out of my home and away from my support network. But so be it. If it will help me to survive then it is something I have to do. It's not such a momentous decision-it's the ONLY decision.
Much much much love.

sykes · 12/06/2004 14:37

Spook, hope it all works out wonderfully well. IT sounds like a beautiful place to bring up children. Lots of luck.

annalouise · 12/06/2004 14:52

Hi Spook, I have followed your thread since the beginning, and I just wanted to say good luck with your move. I think you are making a really positive step. You'll start to bloom again - I'm sure - in beautiful surroundings with your family around you to give you all the love and support you need. It's no consolation i'm sure for the loss you've experienced, but it's a new start, and a very exciting one. I have noticed such a difference in you over the past couple of days, you seem a lot more positive and I sense new hope. This is your chance to start again and not just in a new house, but a new country! GOOD LUCK and lots of love to you and your boys! xxx

ggglimpopo · 12/06/2004 15:01

Message withdrawn

mumski · 12/06/2004 15:44

Thanks Spook for the support. Did you find it ok to have a drink with them - as the blurb says no drinking and like you, I like my wine.
I'm so happy for you and your children that you are grabbing this opportunity - stuff him!

Sykes how are you?

Blu · 12/06/2004 15:56

I am on Cipralex and drink with relish with no noticable difference.
Cheers!

dottee · 12/06/2004 16:04

Hi Spook

So sorry - long time - no write.

I've just read this thread and I am sooooo pleased for you! You're doing exactly the right thing. I only moved counties almost three years ago but it's been worthwhile. Yes, I do miss my mum (she remains in the same villages as him (and her)) and my friends but it's like I have a new life here. My new friends here know me as 'me' and not the 'ex. of'.

My children and I went to stay at my mum's last week. I had to go to the local Morrisons. I saw four people (not to speak to) whom I used to know (I was in a rush so chose not to stand and chat). But these people were associated with sad, lonely times and I'm pleased to have made that break, although the decision was a tough one at the time.

By moving, it will give you the freedom of knowing you have a private life and he's not around the corner to find out what you are up to! Enjoy your new life and freedom. I am so happy for you!

dottee · 12/06/2004 16:09

Also, I agree with ggglimp! Your real friends will still 'be with you' wherever you go. I know who my true friends are now.

sykes · 12/06/2004 17:02

Mumski, I'm very well. Did Bugsy send you the form? Can't find the one I sent to her. I'll ask my friend if he still has it in excel. Sorry you're feeling so terrible - can you plan anything nice?

spook · 13/06/2004 12:21

Oh Jesus.Why does he do this.I sent him a perfectly friendly e-mail yesterday asking a couple of Ibiza related questions.And this morning I got a reply

"I really miss the boys, it's been hard since I
got back.
It wasn't all rows was it? I really want you to be happy and I agree
the Ibiza
move is probably a good idea."

I just know that deep down I don't want him to let us go.I am sort of resigned to it but the actual day I get on that plane and say goodbye to this life is going to absolutely crucify me. So why does he put things like that???? No it wasn't all rows. When we're together my family is complete. This is like saying "it wasn't so bad but cheerio"Any contact with him or messages like this make me feel physically sick.He still has this effect on me.I just cannot believe he is actually going to let his family move across the continent for the sake of a fucking airhead 21 years his junior.
I understand all the wonderful messages of hope your all giving me and the inspiring stories like ggglimpopo.And I know I have to do this but I also know that for all my bravado and "I have no choice" that it is going to take me a lot longer to heal than I am pretending.
It's thunder and lightning here this morning which just about suits my mood!

mumski · 13/06/2004 12:38

Sorry your feeling so upset today Spook. Please don't let him get to you. It's very hard though isn't it. My little DD came out with a classic this morning which completly floored me - " has daddy seen his girlfriend with her clothes off". It took the wind right out of my sails!

Sykes no I havn't recieved any thing yet. So pleased your feeling good.

sykes · 13/06/2004 12:44

Spook, so sorry. I contemplated moving to San Francisco at one point but deep down hoped if I ever took it REALLY seriously h would try to stop us/come with us. Not sure that helps - but just empathise enormously - it's hell. Don't forget it's still very raw and new for you. Unfortunately, the healing process is a long one but IT DOES GET BETTER. Mumski - can you e-mail me again and I'll send the spread sheet?

ponygirl · 13/06/2004 13:38

Spook, honey, he's still playing games with you. As much as part of you wants him to stop you going, he still want to think you're hanging around waiting for him. The day you get on the plane to Ibiza is the day that that is over for him. You are strong, Spook, and will get through this to a new and happier life. Lots of love. xxx

dottee · 13/06/2004 17:27

I think these are mind games too. He's so contradictory - saying he misses the boys and then being happy with the move to Ibiza.

Carry on making plans to go. As long as you are happy, and the boys are, that's all that matters. If he's that much of a father, a two and three quarter hour flight every two weeks or so won't make much difference to his lifestyle.

I agree with previous posts though. Please look into the legal stuff and set the ball rolling before you go.

Original poster
Janstar · 13/06/2004 17:32

I don't know if it's mind games or just a weak character who can't make up his mind and commit himself 100% to anything. Either way he is not good enough for you.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 13/06/2004 18:14

Spook, you poor soul. I remember hoping time after time that dh would tell me he loved me more than anything and would do anything to put our relationship right. It is heartbreaking.
I think your Ibiza move sounds fantastic. How wonderful to get away and move on.
Please don't hold out for your dh, do everything for youself and your children.
Big hugs

spook · 14/06/2004 00:10

Thankyou all of you. Everything you say is right. Bugsy2 you sound like such a warm hearted kind person.I really liked your post.Don't know why-you just sound lovely.Why don't they love us like we deserve to be loved eh?!

mumski · 14/06/2004 12:53

Hi Spook how are you today? I think the ADs might be kicking in - starting to feel more detached and chilled or may be it was the lovely evening out I had with good friends last night.
At work but still unable to do anything apart from my mn fix!!
Now need to sort my self a toy boy - what do you think?

spook · 14/06/2004 13:15

Hi mumski.Am so glad you're feeling better> I'm not so good really. Trying to motivate myself to get excited and plan my big move.But all I want is for my dh to turn around and say "don't go..I love you"! He sent me an e-mail yesterday and said "I understand your need to move away and be happy but it will break my heart.I guess it's my turn..." Well NO! The difference is he has a choice in this-I had no choice.
Not really sure how I'm feeling but it's not good whichever way you look at it. One good thing though.My sleeping has finally settled down 5 months on.The alarm actually wakes me up now instead of pacing the floors from about 4am. We will be alright in the end mumski. I just know it.It feels a long way off for me just now though. I'm pleased you had a good night out.It's so important to get out of the 4 walls.You look after YOURSELF honey. You're doing all the right things. Much love XXXXX

spook · 15/06/2004 15:19

Hi everyone.Anyone about.Feeling OK but could do with a little pep talk.I moving on on on.Sorted out boxes for packing. Sorted out schools,sorted out Spooks flight (spook my dog!!)asked him to sort out our helath insurance. Asked my dad if he'll do the drive over with me and the boys,bought half of Gap to see the boys through the winter (Ibiza not the best place for kids clothes)made appt with solicitor...the list goes on. Oh and me and the boys started our spanish lessons yesterday. How cute to hear my 4 year old saying when his birthday was with his little spanish accent!!(he asked me if he could have a lamp-post for christmas this morning)

Original poster
Janstar · 15/06/2004 15:27

Hi Spook, I'm here, popping in and out while baking cakes and trying to clean and tidy my house for mums and babies this afternoon I am not the greatest housewife in the world.

You sound great to me, I think all the positive action is helping you feel like the driver of your life again.

OP posts: