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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook 2

502 replies

Janstar · 09/05/2004 17:14

Here it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Janstar · 17/05/2004 14:51

That is wonderful. Yes, I do know what you mean about his weakness. I can't describe it any better than you, I think what you said is spot on.

He is one very confused man. Please please don't accept him back until he stops being confused and makes his ultimate decision in your favour. This will not stop you from telling him you still want him. You could tell him you love him dearly and would welcome him back with open arms but only when he is willing to commit 100% to rebuilding your marriage. Any less would be unfair to you and the boys.

I so so hope that things turn out as you want them.

OP posts:
ponygirl · 17/05/2004 14:56

Oh Spook, it's so good to hear from you and hear you sounding so well and strong! I hope you're boys are getting stronger and happier too, it must be doing them such good to see you improving. They've seen you go through hell and come out the other side and you've been there for them all the way. You have bonds with them now that your H will never have: his loss, your gain.

Bugsy2 · 17/05/2004 16:45

Spook, well done girl. Its good to hear you sounding more together.
I think it is a good sign that he understands your need to keep track of him and that he will let you check his phone. I never managed to achieve that and it meant that my H had no intention of ceasing contact with his gf.
I'm sure your H is in a real pickle, but you be strong for yourself and your boys. If you think it will be the best thing for you, then accept his attempts at reconciliation - but remember you need to put yourself and the boys first at the moment.

spook · 17/05/2004 17:28

Thanks everyone.He hasn't actually told me he's coming back.He has just agreed to come to Ibiza and have no contact with her whilst he's there. I do feel in a really good place right now-sort of shrugging my shoulders and going "whatever"I'm sure it's my happy pills.Hallelujah for prescribed drugs!!
As I am also sure he's just really down-maybe had row with her or she's backed off a bit.I am under no illusions.Anything he does do to the contrary will be a very pleasant surprise. The boys have definately picked up on my happier vibe and we are having a very nice time together at the moment.Thank heavens for little boys!!!

sykes · 17/05/2004 17:30

Big boys can be interesting diversions too, sometimes.

sykes · 17/05/2004 17:30

God, sorry, that sounds rude - wasn't supposed to be.

ripley · 17/05/2004 17:34

I'm so glad you are feeling better spook. I remember the elated feeling all too well. You will find that in another couple of weeks it will level down somewhat and you won't feel 'high' just level headed and confident. It sounds like you are being a bit more assertive and logical about your situation, another thing that the drugs are good for (and of course your willpower!). Hang on in there, you are doing really well.

spook · 17/05/2004 22:34

Hi Ripley.I don't want to level out a bit.I would like to stay in this nice place for as long as possible!I can't work out whether I am actually getting stronger or whether I am in a drug induced haze.Not that it really matters!
Hi Sykes-good luck on Thursday.Follow your heart as I know you will.I am already into my 3rd week of counselling.It's going OK although I do think some of it is a little forced but it's good to off load on someone who doesn't know him (and doesn't want to after what she's heard!!)
Hi Bugsy2 and Ponygirl.Thanks for checking in {{{}}}

spook · 20/05/2004 06:39

God.Just when you though you were doing alright along comes a bastard and knocks you right back down again.He came for a celebratory SATS over supper last night (ds1 invited him!)and here's me thinking it would be a really lovely family affair-he may relax and have a glass of wine.What fucking misery. As soon as he arrived he dissappeared upstairs with the boys.Didn't even look at me over dinner and then played in the garden with the boys for a hour or so.
He had said to me earlier that day "Am I just popping over after work then" and I had said if he was going to be clock-watching if he had to be somewhere else then don't bother coming.So fair enough he obviously cancelled his date!
But I asked him if he would like to spend the day with us on Sunday (bearing in mind that a few weeks ago he was the one who wanted to spend "family time" together to see how it goes) There was an out and out NO. He doesn't want to pretend that everything is OK and we are together.
So he left and I was so angry.Then he texted me saying he "can't handle it" Anyway I know I'm rambling but basically I called him and he CANNOT come home but just will not tell me why.He's NEVER fucking ready to talk to me.Always too tired or too much work to think about.Just said he knows he won't be happy.Refuses to answer the question "is it me or her that's keeping you away"Not too unreasonable I wouldn't have thought. SO I asked him why he'd told the boys he would be home soon.He actually said they just kept asking him and pressurising him so he told them that knowing it's not true!!!!Can you fucking believe that. Those poor babies seriously think their daddy is coming home soon because he's too weak to tell them what he really feels.
Anyway it was left on a very sour note but he just said I'll talk to you tomorrow-his favourite line. SO I am going to drop the boys off at my friends in the norning and fucking well turn up on his doorstep.Then he has got to talk to me (yeah right) He's got the boys for a sleepover tomorrow night and he has to tell them the truth if they ask him.
Jesus-and I want this bastard back..why????

ripley · 20/05/2004 10:05

Oh Spook, you've got to try and get him out of your head. Don't entertain any thoughts of gettting back together unless he's made a definite decision because it's just causing so much angst for you. Please be strong and don't let this affect you. Your happiness should not revolve on whether or not he comes back to you, you have to make your own happiness. Do not rely on this man for that, because he is just letting you down and your boys would benefit so much from you getting on without him. The fact that he is so weak and spineless that he has to lie to his own sons about coming back is beyond belief and you have to take that into consideration. If he does decide to come back in future then that's great but you have to work on yourself first and be strong for your boys because he is not exactly doing that.

Original poster
Janstar · 20/05/2004 13:15

I'm so sorry Spook, but I did suspect he might have said what he said because he knew it was what the boys wanted to hear. I know that most of us would consider it unthinkable to fob off a child with something that gives cruel false hope. But it's becoming increasingly obvious to me that your h's world doesn't revolve round you, the children or evil barbie. It revolves around himself.

I doubt he means to be cruel or hurtful. The sad fact is in all this it seems he doesn't get much further than thinking about his own pain, his own predicament, and for people like him it is very easy to be blase about someone else's pain. He simply doesn't give it a place in his equation.

I know you won't want to hear this but I am beginning to think it will be a gift to you when you fall out of love with this man. I'm beginning to think that he has ruled your world in such a self-centred way for so many years that you have lost sight of yourself. Under the rubble of his crushing presence is a crumpled Spook, who can clamber out into the sunlight and find herself again. You have to let go, sweetheart, and give Spook a chance to breathe for herself.

OP posts:
Blu · 22/05/2004 15:30

Hello Spook, sorry, I meant to say that I was going to be away for a week.
Something about Janstars last post makes me want to ask you to tell us more about SPOOK. The other things in your life, what you are / have been involved with before your marriage, before becoming a Mum, and alongside your family life. What are your hobbies and interests and passions, what would you love to do, for yourself, before you are 40? (tantalise me - it's too late for me to catch up!!)
Anyway, maybe this IS your Ibiza week?

love, xxxx Blu.

Original poster
Janstar · 29/05/2004 11:53

Are you back now Spook? How are things?

OP posts:
Clayhead · 01/06/2004 01:07

Spook, are you back now? How are you?

Original poster
Janstar · 05/06/2004 19:09

Spook?

OP posts:
Beccarollover · 09/06/2004 23:34

?

popsycal · 09/06/2004 23:54

I have her mobile number but it is in DH's phone so will text her tomorrow as Dh is out....

Hope all is ok...

spook · 10/06/2004 22:29

Hi everyone.Thanks for your concern.I got back last night.My first week in Ibiza was wonderful.As soon as I got there I just clung to the boys and got a huge feeling of peace and calm.I didn't speak to him for a week and a half and felt hugely strong.
Then he arrived and within an hour he had sapped me of every ounce of strength I had built up.He says the meanest most soul destroying things to me and ofcourse we had one huge drunken night when we were both really nasty to each other-the difference being what I said was the truth-he can't really deny what he's done can he.I'm sure he truly believes the things he says to me but then he is so totally bitter and twisted about the whole world and everyone we know apart from himself and her that I mustn't let it destroy me.
So-I have made a decision.Me and the boys are moving to Ibiza.I have enroled them in their new school and started arrangements. He has made one or two feeble attempts to say he'll fight me but in his heart of hearts he knows he hasn't really got a leg to stand on and it's the right thing for me and the boys.He has taken my spirit and I need to find it again. We have an absolutely beautiful home there,I have family there and one or two friends.The English school is wonderful and my boys will be free,bilingual outdoor living little mermaids. The more distance I put between myself and him and her the better.I cannot sit in this bloody house full of memories anymore imagining them just around the corner in bed together.I can't be paranoid every time I go out that I'm going to bump into them (this is a very small city) I have never felt so positive about anything in my whole life-apart from my marraige ironically enough.It may be a lonely winter but I'm lonely here despite my wonderful friends.It's my head I need to sort out and only I can do that-for the sake of those children.They have been through enough.No 7 and 4 year old should EVER have to see their mummy sobbing like she will never stop. No more!!

popsycal · 10/06/2004 22:30

SPOOK - i have just texted you - a coincedence...haven't read your post yet - will get back to you...

popsycal · 10/06/2004 22:32

spook - please call me if you want to

hugs....xxxxx
popsy xxx

popsycal · 10/06/2004 22:32

The number in your mobile is my DH's number - i have just texted you about 5 minutes ago from my phone

Soapbox · 10/06/2004 22:43

Spook - so gald you had a good first week of your hols but that he ruined the second week for you.

Your plans sound very exciting and I can see that this will give you the fresh start that you really need. As you say the boys will have a very outdoor life-style which will help make up for the loss of their dad from everyday life.

More than anything the plans you need to make will give you a focus and something to work towards rather than just waiting for the next call or visit from your not so DH.

I really do wish you well - but please...

Make your first purchase in Ibiza a computer with internet link - we really have grown very fond of you and I for one, want to keep track with your recovery and new life you have planned.

TBH I really will need to know when you have that first date, first kiss, first !

Do take care and keep posting ...

Jxx

sobernow · 11/06/2004 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

numb · 11/06/2004 04:14

please keep in touch spook you really do deserve happiness xxxxxxx

spook · 11/06/2004 11:02

Hi everyone. It will be one of my first jobs-there's no landline at the house at the moment.Also to get a big dish that picks up Eastenders. But we're not going till Sept 11th anyway.The school term doesn't start till the 13th and the house has clients in right up till 11th. So I have plenty of time to sort it all out. I told my mother in law yesterday-who hasn't been exactly supportive throughout this whole thing.She thought it was a brilliant idea! I couldn't believe it! She said "you are wasting away-you need to get away from him and make a fresh start" She offered to do the drive down with me and she asked if they could come and stay through winter!!(we have a guest house!!)Here's me thinking she would see it as punishing her son and taking her grandchildren away. People surprise you don't they?? Have yet to tell my mum and I just know she is going to be absolutely devastated-but I know she wants me to eat and be happy again.
It's funny.I have started looking at my surroundings and there is absolutely nothing I will miss other than people and a bath. Here's me the romantic fool-houses and possessions all had some deep relevance and significance...."do you remember when we found that pebble on the beach on that wonderful holiday bollocks"....and I really couldn't care less. I'm gone. I don't know whether I'm kidding myself because I know it's the only way I can get well again but if I could go tomorrow-I would.God-who ever knows what direction your life will take. I can't believe whats happened to mine the last 5 months. Oh no-now the tough nut Spook is crying.Stop stop stop